Fluttershy doesn't know how bad things can get when a pony is taken over by the powers of Chaos. Will Discord successfully take over Equestria once and for all? She thinks everything will be fine... But will it really?
Chapters (7)
- Member Since 8th Nov, 2012
- offline last seen Feb 4th, 2015
eridan_ampora
howw did i even wwrite a fan fiction
eridan_ampora
Joined 8th Nov, 2012 ·
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- Tsubasafangirl · 1k words · 649 views
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My first fan fiction!! Sorry it's so short, I will be adding a new chapter as soon as possible!
1664570
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it needs more spacing hun
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ok
For the title
- From Bad to Worse
For each new character speaking start a new line. It's hard to read as it currently is with the diolauge starting in the middle.
You started it with
this is not a good idea. very cliche. You could instead change it up to explain how Discord escaped and such cause otherwise he's just out there doing whatever while the elements do nothing. It's a bit of a logic foul up.
You said you wanted to add another chapter but the story is labled as "Complete" might wanna fix that.
It rushes things a little. Try to build more tension with walking through town.
A VAN
...yeah. no. vans and Equestria don't tend to get along well since ya know. Cars don't exist there.
Space it out better
Pace it a little more
More description of the places would make for a more in depth experience.
You just throw us into the story. You don't describe the characters (while I understand this since we most likely know Flutters and angel. but still it could make for better reading to explain a bit.
Maybe try to think of a better way to say that everyone is getting discorded instead of being made chaotic since it just sounds rough. It just feels too ... I dunno exactly how to word it but reading them saying things like
it felt like metal against metal squealing.
While it is fast you manage to make it just blah. I mean it seems like a good idea. The story needs to get spiced up a bit. Cause it's pretty bland as is.
These are my suggestions. Take them, leave them or whatever. It's your story.
Good luck and have a good life.
YBG Out -
Ok, well thanks for the help everypony! I'll try to fix it as soon as possible! You know, school work and stuff comes first!
-Love and tolerate
And, there can be vans if you use imagination
Hurry up and post the next chapter, fil!!!!!!!!!!!! Ur killing me!!!!!!
I love this site!! But really. Hurry the heck up!!!!!!!!!
Im gonna write my own fanfic, man!!!!
Ok then Lannachu
Hi everypony! I'm still working on the story bit by bit so it will be done as soon as possible
I like the story so far But...it's to short. I can't be into the story unless there's more. Good job and keep it coming!
Oh my goodness! I love how you completely revised this. I can really tell you're putting your time into it now. I'm so proud of this story... I'm sure the next chapter will be just as awesome! (But don't forget to take your time, like you did with this one!) SO. PROUD.
Yaaaaay!
1765158 yeah, I'm working on it right now!
1772787 thanks andifoo!
Yeah. It looks WAAAAAAAAY better now.
My fanfic is coming along..... 
Thats good
I read it! Stop nagging me! Sheesh!!!
1788573
whatevs
Okie Dokie Lokie! The first chapter is done!! I'm writing the next chapter right now!
Hi everypony! I'm working hard on this chapter, I hope you enjoy it!!
Oh man! Finally!!
But didn't you already write something like that in the last chapter?! Finish the next chapter! 
No I didn't
READ THE FREAKIN STORY.
Did already. The grey unicorn already ingected Storm Cloud with the suspicous liquid.
Um nope. Read the end of the first chapter
This is so great! I'm think I'm going to draw some epic fan art right now!!! :) Poor Stormy...
1801507 aw don't worry Andi
He's awesome in the end
1675323its not boring now
When will yall post the third capter?
1947914 I'm working on it
Really? Well, hurry up. I want to read it.
1955053 GAH READ IT
What?! What kind of ending is that??!
Viola omg. Omggggg
1963771 calm down
Noooo Stormyyy!
Run ( maybe Fly) Fluttershy! Run!
Huh?! What happened to Stormy??
Well, I know: he's dead... But why he killed himself??
Stormy: I'm going to kill myself!
Me: Wut?
1975394 Becasue he was Discorded and didn't want to hurt anypony. Especially Fluttershy
Huh. I expected a bit more. You need longer chapters and more details. Other than that great job!
1982674 Thanks for the advice!
I'm trying to think of ways to improve it, but I'm pretty busy with school and all 
so not much time to work on it.
Yahoo!! New chapter! Finally
Uh oh, cliffhanger at the end! 
Wait, I don't understand, something happened between Fluttershy and Stormy? Because all I remember is: Stormy throw Fluttershy in a bag, said hello, saved her by telling her to get the f*ck out, he comes back to her saying, "I'll kill myself!" and die... and that's all. Stormy again I can understand that he had alove at first sight, but Fluttershy barely knew him... It goes a little too fast there ....
But nice chapter! Love it!
2052696 Wait, what? Stormy never threw her in a bag XP
Oh really? *go read again the first chapter* oh yeah! My bad. But still!
2052870 Lol I'll fix that up as soon as possible