Due to an freak electrical storm one video game character known as Wreck-It Ralph gets sent flying out of the Arcade power grid by way of a runaway game tram. Eventually ending up in a computer program area where all the My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic shows are stored on the internet, the now lost and most defiantly out of place 'bad guy' is stuck in the land of Equestria since unlike the Arcade world. TV Characters don't leave their areas as copies are made of them and their world and sent off instead to users, and worse still none of them even known of this fact and think their worlds are real.
Now Ralph will have to find a way back home before Litwak's Arcade opens after repairs from the storm is over and Litwak finds out he is missing again and the game gets unplugged. At the same time he must prove himself to the ponies he is not a bad guy even though his job is to be a 'bad guy', and maybe along the way he will make new friends and the ponies will learn that sometimes 'bad guys' are not as two dimensional as they seem.
FIRST TIME DOING THIS SO BARE WITH ME!
WARNING! WARNING! Wreck-It Ralph Movie spoilers are inside! WARNING! WARNING!
Wreck-it Ralph, eh?
Don't mess this up.
Love the concept, lets just see if the results match up to the ideal.
Heres hopin!
Not bad for a first spot my friend.
You Definetly need to work on your commas.
And this may just be my opinion, but you tell us whats going on more then show us.
Looking forward to more.
1649451 I'll try my best to live up to the fun ideas of what this could be like, but I'll admit I hope some more accomplished writers give this idea a go too. It would be fun to see an expert's take on it and see how I could improve after I eventually get around finishing this.
1649541 Thank you for the compliment.
But ya at some point I hope someone might offer to help go over these chapters later on in the future once I actually build up enough to warrant the effort. As for the whole telling more than showing...Well I guess I can see what you mean as I always did have issues with describing environments and actions even when it came to simple role plays. I'll try to work on it but just seems to be an area I can't seem to grasp, if anyone has tips for such things feel free to give them. Constructive criticism is always a welcomed thing for me ^^
Group the descriptions into large paragraphs and separate dialogue into smaller ones, about 1-3 lines. It usually follows this pattern: "Dialogue" or 'Internal Monologue' followed by an optional description of the one speaking/thinking. If there's a change of speaker, like from Fluttershy to Vanellope, you start a new line or paragraph. On the other hand, a mix of dialogue and descriptions can be put into the same paragraph. There are just so many WoTs in this chapter, the structure kind of bothers me as I read.
This part sounds a bit too formal for Ralph to say/think IMO. Try imagining the character saying the dialogue you've planned for them, and see if the way you've worded it would sound plausible and believable for them to say. This can be tricky in Applejack's case or any Apple pony for that matter, since there's the southern drawl you'll have to pay attention to, as well as the intentional misspellings to convey the accent. The story draws in the audience but it's the details that make the story more convincing.
Don't let this last bit discourage you but I hope you've planned out an ending or at least what happens next. It kinda helps in planning the story because if you've thought of a possible ending beforehand, you get to ask yourself why, when and how this happens and what takes place in between that leads to that end. It helps me with my story, that much I can say. I got this idea from a manga called 'One Piece,' if you've heard of it. The author's already planned the ending for it, even though it's still a very long ways off. Many eager fan-fiction writers often create stories without an outline of events in mind, which causes a lot of writer's blocks and in worst cases, leave the author without inspiration and drive, and the story is left unfinished.
That's all the advice I've got for this 1st chapter and I hope you post the 2nd soon. I'm a big fan of the movie and I can't wait to see how things turn out next time.
And if you can, please make it longer!
good but dont like the wall of text
i know i dident see the movie but
im mad because of the spoilers u flank-hole
ps. yes i doing the whole brony talk thing DEAL WITH IT
1650817 Firstly I'm going to say thank you for taking the time to type out so much in a response. Anyway I did change the Vanellope thing out with something that works better, you are right my inner Ralph kinda got lost during that line but I found him again.
As for the story structure suggestions I'll admit I bet what you say would make the story better but thing is I never typed in such a fashion in all my years of role playing or anything. It kinda hard to break my habit without making a mess of what I am trying to type out, which means for now I'm kinda stuck with what it is like for now till I figure out how to do it that way more naturally and well. As for the Apples....ugh ya I know I'm going to have issues as I can do the easy ones without issue 'Ah'm' 'Ah' 'Ya'll' and so forth but those intentional mess ups in certain words will be a chore to remember to do. You would figure being a Southerner myself would make it easier but really...I don't have nearly as thick an accent as AJ and such =w='
As for an ending and so forth I do have a General idea that I can easily build up around now that I see this story isn't considered a train wreck so far. Kinda wanted to see if it would even be a good idea before I went through all the effort of thinking up every little thing, did such task once and got bitten in the ass for it with all that wasted work I did. Also don't worry I'll try to make sure the story has a lot of chapters as I do have a work around for that time constraint, and I have been working on chapter 2 recently.
1651033 sorry if you think it is a wall of text but in truth I figured I broken it up enough with enters to keep it from doing that. Apologies though if you can't read it still
1651856 Whoa now brony, no pony made you read this story before you watched the movie. You just gonna have to suck it up and live with you mistake, ain't no reason for you to get your tail in a twist. -Does brony talk too when he wants to and just playing around right now-
i hate u
1651921 *Loves and Tolerates the hell out of the brony*
MUTHA I WILL SEND U TO THE MOON WITH A MOON CANNON
TO THE MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOON
Wreck It Ralph this should be good. How will the ponies deal with the truth of what they really are when or if they find out?
well done good sir
1651948 You win this debate, but I would however advise putting a "Spolier Warning" In the description.
1655070 Fair enough added one in the description, I am now no longer able to be blamed for spoiling the movie. If they read it they have no excuse to pass off blame to me
Nice chapter, I like the zingers.
And if i had to choose...........Definetly Season 2.
Not really sure which episode though. If i had to choose it'd be between either "A Friend in Deed" or "Putting Your Hoof Down", as both deal with a "new" creature coming to town and how the element bearers deal with them.
Good a jumping off point as any.
Looking forward to more.
Well, the good news is that I think this story is worth some effort to try and help you! Both to make this story a better read, and to help encourage you on the path to becoming a better writer.
The bad news is that I couldn't restrain my 'Fist of Editing DOOM' past the first 2/3 of the first chapter.
I don't have time right now to be your proofreader/editor. This may change, but for now, here's some advice, what I might do if I were you...
Trim down the description to just that, a description of the story; don't explain, don't tell us about your writing process. The description should be PURELY stuff that'll get us interested in your story. (And I'd REALLY cut out that note about being a first time author, those kinds of things can attract bad attention.)
For the story itself: each time you have a new speaker, or a new 'thinker' if it's internal monologue, NEW PARAGRAPH. Do this each and EVERY time. This is less 'suggestion' and more 'required to be readable.'
Next, your readers will be able to understand what your section breaks mean, so don't say what they are; just have the line of ~s, and let us figure it out; it's very clear as is.
Last, here's an example of show vs tell with an action.
Okay, so maybe I overdid it a little there, but it does stand as an example of how even a SIMPLE action can be made of a large number of smaller actions. Further, by going into the details of the action, I was able to touch on Ralph's appearance, his history, describe what the wall was made of, and even give some context to why he was punching it. This approach lets the writer convey a wealth of detail to the reader without having to resort to exposition, or draw the focus away from the action.
Oh yeah, you mentioned you did roleplaying. What sort? My own writing skills started out at a Mush...
1656064 Glad you liked the jokes and the chapter, it does my self esteem good ^^
Also got 1 vote for season 2, I'll make a note on that.
1656131 Okay firstly....wow got a second big response so far so heh cool I guess? As for the edit desire...meh I am not surprised nor insulted by that. Part of life to have someone give comments on how to do better, and hey you are being nice about it so even more reason to be not bothered by it
As for the Paragraph bit....err okay then I'll make a note to go back and really unleash the enter key upon those chapters at some point, always cringed a bit at making single line things but you do have a point. I really want people to be able to read this story well so just have to deal with it and get use to it.
But getting that descriptive with stuff......whoa that will be a lot harder to do
Not sure if I can do that well but I'll try my best, about all I can do with that hehe...
1656136 Oh well did a bit of DnD role playing once or twice online, dumbed down version of the table top stuff of course but still lots of math and stuff. Eh but that doesn't really help well with this stuff as short and sweet is the name of the game in that, the type of role playing I did that helped me get to at least this level is forum based. Join a free forum that got a theme be it Kingdom Hearts, One Piece, Final Fantasy, Naruto, or sometimes even original idea places.
Those were the ones that I got my feet wet in and helped me learn as trust me....you would not of liked pre-role play me trying to type this story out
The only issue is a role play topic is like a story with many authors so it isn't as hard to make something up, though a heck of a lot harder to keep control of I admit. Which is why I am having some big hiccups with this stuff hehe...
Really good so far and I'm wondering how long you're planning this to be, but you need to get the structure evened out. It still is a bit bothersome to read wall after wall of text. I reiterate that most authors have their descriptions in one large paragraph and speech/thought in a few lines.
So will you have the next update soon or is this gonna be a weekly thing?
Bring over venelope!! Fricken my favorite character in wreck it Ralph
Definetly gonna read this one.
Deffinitly listen to MetBoy a couple comments up. It's stuff like he said that can give life to a story or not.
Also for the love of everything holy do NOT us the stage directions to tell what a person is doing. This is a story and as such needs to be portrayed as such.
Example:
Turns into:
That being said use what people are willing to give you to better this story as, even not having seen the movie, this interests me.
1656536 Well I hope to go through a lot of the episodes from where ever Ralph gets dropped in, still need to get that figured out so need more to give their opinion on which season and then ep they want him to be in. If in season one I can say there is a good chance it will be longer than if started in season 2, but even after I get caught up with up to season 3 *IF I go that far* there are still more chapters I need to do that will resolve the story. So in truth it just depends on where I start off, and how well I can think up chapters based on episodes as I'm sure some eps I would have to skip if I can think up something fun with it.
As for update speed.....eh you guys will get at LEAST 1 chapter a week I hope. But really you might get 2 a week or what ever depending on my time and if the chapters come to me easily, right now I'm just mulling over chapter three in my head but have yet to write anything as I did give you guys 2 chapters one nearly after the other XD.
Furthermore I did change the format of the story so I think it should be easier to read with the talking parts broken up like they are. But not sure so feel free to comment on it.
1658103 Haha trust me I was tempted to have her over at the very start, if just to enjoy adorable little Venelope hanging out with the adorable ponies. But I felt I am not quite ready for her yet so I'm going to have her come in much later, sorry but just how I got it set up in my brain.
1658435 Glad to hear that, hope you enjoy it
1658728 Fair enough fair enough I'll avoid that in the future chapters, right now though I'm flying blind and I have to correct as I go along. Of course I suppose at some point I must go back to fix the later chapters up too but for now that will wait. Thank you for the suggestion.
I refer to my previouse comment when handling character actions during dialog.
discord vs bowser, zangief, and Ralph
1658758
Oh yeah, I forgot about you wanting input on what episode to put Ralph in. I'm pretty sure most people would like to have that after season 2, a hunch the majority would want a story up-to-date with the latest season or at the very least after the 2nd season. IMO as a reader, I wouldn't want you mulling over old episodes because I think it'd be fun to see how you fit him into the latest ones. You could always make your own stories independent from the episodes themselves, but then again you only have a day to work Ralph through in MLP before his game gets unplugged, so you're a bit pressed for time. That or does time flow differently for cartoons than video games?
1658758 as long as the adorable bundlemofnawesome eventually makes it over, I'll be happy
1659950 Actually he has longer RL time due to how the storm did do a number on the Arcade not only with just the bolt of lightning most likely shorting out and damaging some power lines. But also with the normal damages of limbs getting blown off and so forth, as the place did get hit by a dangerous unseasonal storm. Trust me I know these storms, a lot of trees were knocked over in my home county by such a storm.
But yes there will be different time speeds between the two places for the Arcade games HAVE to be linked up to RL world time because they need to have the same hours as the Arcade's opening and closing times. The cartoon place though doesn't have to because well when ever a user wants to watch them, the entire place gets copied and that copy is sent off to be watched. So I'm just going to say the MLP time pass many many more times quickly than normal, to help just think of how the original Digimon TV show did it when the kids came back to the human world. Cheap but means I don't have to rush the story and the main issue will not be the time but just actually getting back home at all.
Oh right 2 votes for season 2
1659821 Oh boy no that would be too confusing.
1660111 yeah bowser would just light him on fire
Poor poor Ralph
Good news! You made the featured box! (And I have the screen shot to prove it)
Now let's see if you took my advice to fix stuff...
1696265 Hehe ya he will get smacked around a lot but not too much it gets annoying, or at least I will do my best to avoid that.
1696288 ...On...featured...box. I am...torn between joy and abject terror of such a thing...*Freaks out but is happy*
As for your advice I think I did what you asked to the best of my abilities, I do know I avoided those whole -ralph looks left- bits of course but the rest I am iffy on success. I do hope I did fix most of the structure issues though ><
A Wreck It Ralph/ MLP story? This should be good. Ill read this later
applejack you stupid stupid bitch
1696368 As long as you don't make me all depressed if you don't like it, then by all means read away owo'
1696406 Well you will see why she did what she did in the next chapter, and you will come to see she had legit reasons for doing that.
I enjoyed this. I hope you do more/
I wanna see Ralph wreck something. Just, something. That gets wrecked. Like the changeling army.
This story is pretty good so far. Keep up the good work my friend
The next time he gets attacked he needs to get mad and wreak something, maybe the canterlot guards attack him (Shining Armor being defensive) and then, Felix doesn't fix it because he isn't there.
When Ralph called Rainbow Dash gay I
so hard!
1696564 1698088
Don't worry I'll have him Wreck something soon enough but for now I plan for them to see that he is an okay guy for a little bit. After a while I'll let his nasty temper flare up and him go on a wrecking spree.
imageshack.us/a/img33/5764/likethischapter.jpg
1698137 Well Jurai1990, I'll trust you on this seeing as you've done a good job on this so far.
Well, I can see you took my advice, and this first chapter is easier to read.
Some other things you should look at: when describing actions in the story, be consistent in your verb tenses. Switching between them should be avoided. Also:
Unless Fluttershy SAID "Listens to tweets" you should use quote marks to show that she isn't saying that part; a close quote after Dash, and an open quote before Yes.
1699847 ..........How did I miss that one.....Grrr *goes to kill that error with a correction cannon*
1660111
The more I think about it, the more I think you shouldn't overlook the opportunity to do some 'back at the ranch' chapters focused on what's happening at the Arcade, as the characters from the various games try to deal with the damage from the storm, figure out where Ralph went, and perhaps try and 'make do' with him gone.Perhaps Felix, Calhoon, and a few others explore the rest of the Arcade's electrical system.
1713831 That actually is a pretty cool idea...I just might give that a try later on if I can. For now I want to get the Ralph and Pony bits well set up before I do that, ya know let the readers have a nice fill of that mix before I offer those types of chapters to break up the flow from time to time.