• Member Since 30th Apr, 2012
  • offline last seen Last Friday

the-pieman


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This is an attempt at a humorous fic that makes sense (not something people expect from me). The story is about a guard and the two young royal sisters as he tries to be their caretaker, not that they ever make it easy for him, whether intentional or not. Some ideas belong to Quantum_Shift, but the main premise belongs to me as well as most of the ideas. I am writing this fic for my enjoyment, and critiques are okay, but if nobody likes it (other than the mods of course) I'm not changing it.

Pic by mel rosey

Chapters (6)
Comments ( 86 )

First! To say I liked it. :yay:

Very good, you did well.
No spelling errors, though the build-up is a little slow.

1642815
What do you MEAN!? I just finished editing it after a look over and I left out a word! Here is the original sentence:

“Th- th- there’s m- m- m- monster in my closet!!”

I FORGOT TO PUT AN 'A' IN THE SENTENCE! HOW CAN I CALL MYSELF AN EDITOR!? I know, I'll blame aliens, yeah, aliens took me aboard their spaceship and removed my OCD temporarily, everyone should believe that :pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy:
I'M NORMAAAAAAL!!

1642535 Careful there, I'm more forgiving than most, so you'll get away with that from me, but saying 'first' to anyone else may not end well.

1643190
I thought it was Luna dropping the word in fright, but okay...

1643242 Dammit, I HAD AN EXCUSE!

1643245
too late.
And I have the screencap, so you can't even redact it...

1643359 I wasn't planning to, I just like being dramatic.

1643364
I was just teasing you, anyways. Also, I figured something out, take a lookit this:

Pinkie is
:pinkiehappy: & :pinkiesmile:
the Linkie!

Also, goodnight, I need sleep so I can edit stuff.

1643428 Wazzat? Oh sorry, I fell asleep.
BTW: Me Gusta.

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The pie-man is back. What have you gotten yourself into this time mate?

Cute Royal Filly Sisters.
I like. CONTINUE!

Neat, though I have to ask: why have a guard for them as foalsitter? I mean, you'd think that whoever are the two's parents, they'd have the money to hire a professional nanny or something. Somone with the training and patience to even handle these two fillies.

Oh, and keep on the d'awwww!

Pie-Man, take a look at the post this links to:
1643841
You're famous enough to get spam-bots already!

1644387 ...I have many snarky replies, but since this is fic is rated 'everyone' I will abstain.

1644443 Sure, as soon as I get ideas, I used all but one and I'm saving it for a later chapter.

1645100 Because I thought it would be funny. And besides, his job is to maintain their well-being, that is what a guard must do. And I know from seeing videos of me when I was young how dependent they are, without someone taking care of them, lots of things can go wrong. Also I used a guard because of canon issues: 1. We have no idea who their parents are so if I give them a personality and it's later revealed that they are very different, my fic wouldn't work out. 2. We've only seen guards working the castle, so if there were any caretakers, etc. I'm fairly sure we'd have seen them by now.

1646178
anyhow, you should go report the spam-bot.

1646225 Maybe, but if I did it first I wouldn't have an excuse to put Weird Al on Fimfiction.

1646233
as if you need an excuse to put Weird Al anywhere.

1646267 Not everyone understands his genius, so they believe one needs a reason for everything.

1646323 Couldn't agree more.

1646167

Actually, both "canon issues" are pretty non-valid:

1. We don't need to see the personality of their parents for them to hire a nanny.

2. That's actually untrue. We have seen at least one character that is not a royal guard that was obviously working for the Royal Palace: the Gardener from Best Night Ever. Plus, there was the secretary/assistant to Celestia in the S3E1.
So, it would be fairly logical to assume that there would be other servants hired as needed.

1646344 True, but we mainly know that because we pay close attention and put that information to memory, not EVERYONE will notice and remember everything. Plus, I kinda like things to go this way. And certain situations make more sense with a guard, they are intentionally trained to protect, so if someone sees a monster (whether it turns out to be real or not) would you call a secretary or a gardener? He is there to KEEP THEM SAFE, it's just that the job entails more than being a simple meat shield.

1646344
I have the perfect counter-argument: It's a lot funnier to watch a stuffy, uptight guard have to deal with them than a calm and composed nanny who knows what they're doing.

And who says that this guard is the first caretaker the sisters have had? They might've driven the last several to distraction... or worse. He could be a literal last-ditch effort to keep them taken care of.

1646420 ...see, this is why you are helping me come up with ideas.

1646432
:eeyup:
It's because I'm brilliant like :twilightsmile:, isn't it?
You know it's true. :rainbowkiss:

1646455 well, you're definitely a genius...

1646491
And the only difference between Genius and Madness is what they produce. And I produce produce!

1646574 ...I produce carbon dioxide, does that mean I'm a fart?

1646591
no, just full of hot air.
A fart is full of carbon monoxide, and methane.

1646621 So I'm less than a fart? Thanks pal, you're so helpful. *sarcasm*

1646633
you know, we seem to be carrying on a full conversation, we might as well move this onto Skype for voice chat.

1646389>>1646420

Don't get me wrong, I am not crying foul here. It's just something to think about. Plus, it is somewhat of a critique: if he answers the question in the story, he shows that he thought about the story. By showing that he thought reasonably, he extends believability in the world he portrays. By showing why a guard has gotten into a situation where he acts not just as a protector but as caretaker for the foals creates immersion, as it answers a reasonable question of the reader.

I get that they are there for their protection, however a child needs other things than just physical protection: they need tutors, instructors, etc.
Besides, think about it: it's a royal palace. They probably have ponies that have no other job but to make sure the metal decorations shine or to clean toilets. So if the foals need these ponies, where are they? If Cloudy is made impromptu nanny/sitter between their various lessons and whatnot, why?

Plus, you have to answer another question: why do the foals adhere (even if a little) to his authority? If he is their caretaker by accident, won't there be trouble if he has to do something a little mean to the fillies (say, pull them out of a room they shouldn't be, like the armoury or potion ingredient storage), what will he say to the nearest person of higher authority that filly can find and cry to?

1646711 Well, this was kind of just a random idea I had, not much thought was put into it and I just started writing, I understand you want explanations and details, I'm the same way, but this wasn't a science experiment so there's not much hard data. I apologize, but I just had a 'what if' idea, and went with it.

1646711
well, considering this is the result of me providing a "Write for thirty minutes for this prompt and see what happens" challenge, he's allowed to come up with silly reasons if he wants.

Anyhow, I'm the world-builder of the two of us, so, yeah.

1646747 Speaking of which, when does the RP start? What do we still need? Why is the rum always gone?

1646746
There is nothing really to apologise for, again, I'm not trying to stab a dagger into the story. I'm just pointing at a tiny hole already pre-made. After all, the question "why is a guard taking care of the royal foals?" not a reasonable one under the circumstances?

1646747
That's fine, but I did not see the fact that it was made for a 30 minute writing challenge in either the synopsis or the story itself. So how was I know to know that?

1646800 Super cute, can't wait to read more. :pinkiesmile:

1647200 Well you'll have to wait a while, it's hard for me to do interesting and logical writing. (referring to this

1646997 It wasn't for an official 'challenge' per se, it was just an idea I came up with, and Quantum (as my friend) said 'go with that, see what happens'. and so I didn't find it important. I'm sorry if it was and I didn't. Trust me, I'm normally about as full of questions as you are, I'm just having trouble pulling answers out of thin air that relate/make sense to the story.

1644443 Sure, as soon as I get more ideas. You can all make suggestions and I'll try to build off of them if I like it.

Although I don't care that I got a dislike on this fic, I'd like anyone who doesn't like it to EXPLAIN why they don't like it. I AM OPEN TO CRITIQUES!

1664993 I don't get how they could dislike, this story is so cute! :pinkiesmile:

Well, he should buy something nice for the Sisters :)

1666971 I don't care about HOW, their opinion is their own, but EXPLAINING their opinion would be much more useful so I know what to improve on.

1684433 Very true. To each their own and all that. It is still quite a cute fic. Speaking of cute, If you haven't read it already, look up the fic Derpy's First Bath. It features this image

fimfiction-static.net/images/story_images/37510.jpg?1341895857

1684475 I've read it, and yes I know. She is adorable, but I'm already taken (in my imagination), I'll let YOU guess who that is.
Bad Hint: She doesn't appear in ANY of my stories.:twilightsmile:

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