"So... this is nice," Hammond muttered sarcastically as the three wise men beheld the Ponyville Postal Service.
The building had once resembled its peers, he was fairly sure of that. But where the other thatched-roof cottages and hovels had a quaint, medieval sense of homeliness about them, this building just looked...
"Wow..." James commented.
The Post Office looked, quite literally, like a bomb had gone off. Several beams of wood jutted from the structure at odd angles, evidence of some cataclysmic event that had also claimed much of the wall and most of the roof on the West side of the building. At odd intervals, evidence of further mishaps in the forms of scrapes, holes, cracks and even burn marks littered the exterior of the office.
"This place needs to be condemned." Jeremy murmured, as the three picked their way through the rubble to the front of the building. Sighing, he lightly pushed at the door, only to grimace as it came completely off its hinges like a white man on bath salts.
"Oops," came a bright giggle from inside. "Sorry, I really need to get that fixed."
Peering inside the small, brightly lit office, Richard blinked in confusion. Apart from the additional ventilation that resulted from having a hole the size of a small pony in the wall, the post office was immaculately well kept. Tasteful modern art hung from the walls, mahogany desks and comfortable looking lounges occupied the waiting room and there was not a speck of dust anywhere to be found.
"Blimey." James said in confusion.
"Blimey? What's a blimey?" That bright giggle sounded out again, and the three men managed to get over their mental shock and turn their attention towards it's owner.
The mail clerk was a young pegasus mare, grey, with yellow mane and tail. All of this was noted by Richard, but as he paid more attention, he noticed something else. Something a little strange.
"Which one of us is she looking at?" Hammond whispered.
"I... I'm not sure" James muttered back.
The young mare seemed to notice their hesitation, and for a split second, her ears splayed in disappointment and hurt. That brief moment of sadness was as a hammer blow to the three men. A kicked puppy couldn't have pulled off a more heart-rending sight, and if the lads knew anything, it was that this mare was off limits.
"Um, sorry Miss... uh..." Richard quickly pulled himself together and checked the name badge proudly clipped onto the front of the mail mare's uniform. "... Ditzy Doo?"
The grey pegasus giggled, all hurt seemingly forgotten. "That's my name! Well, one of them anyway..."
"One of your names?" Richard asked, bemused.
"Hey! Derpy!" A burly, red pegasus stallion stomped into the office from a back room, a despondent young unicorn filly in tow, and irritation plain on his face. "If you can't keep your daughter under control and out of staff areas..."
"Derpy?" James muttered to himself, indignation rising.
Noticing the three humans for the first time, the stallion trailed off. "Eh, customers? Fine, deal with this and we'll have a chat later." Tramping back through the door form which he'd arrived, the red stallion swept a wing, slamming it behind him.
Ditzy rushed immediately over to the young filly, trying desperately to comfort her as tears began to drip down her daughter's face.
"Mommy, Mr Package was being mean again" she sniffed, nuzzling into her mother as her sniffling threatened to turn into a full on breakdown.
"Oh Dinky" Ditzy said softly. "I know it's not fair. But mommy needs you to stay out of the sorting room." The grey pegasus draped a soft wing over her daughter as Dinky shook with tears.
"But I'm good at sorting! It's the only thing I am any good at!" Dinky cried. "I just want to be like you mommy..."
"I know Muffin." Ditzy said softly. "But right now I need you to stay out of the back rooms. Why don't you go and play with some of the toys in the waiting room?"
"But I've already played with them all before!" Dinky huffed, pouting as her tears started to dry up.
"Do it for Mommy?" Ditzy asked desperately.
Dinky considered this, before sighing. "Ok..."
Ditzy gave her daughter one last nuzzle before turning her attention back to the three humans as Dinky left.
"Oh, um, sorry about that..." she started, before Richard cut her off.
"Wait, what did he just call you?" he asked, indignant.
"Oh, don't worry about that." Ditzy said, flustered. "It's my fault, I get so clumsy sometimes. I just don't know what goes wrong, but accidents follow me around." Ditzy smiled, but the expression was obviously forced. "Small Package gave me a job when nopony else would."
The grey mare paused in confusion as Richard and James struggled to contain their laughter. Jeremy was unable to stop himself, and burst out, startling the pegasus, who gave them all an odd look.
"Sm... Small Package?" James asked, spluttering. "Is that his actual name?"
Upon acknowledgement that the men had not simply misheard her, Richard, Clarkson and May tried valiantly to pull themselves back together.
"Anyway..." Ditzy said, getting things back on topic. "What did you guys need? Do you have letters that need sending?"
"Erm, no." Hammond replied. "Actually we need a team of pegasi to take our vehicles up to Cloudsdale." He frowned. "Wow, I can't believe I just said that."
"Oh!" Ditzy exclaimed, her bubbly personality back in force. "Well that's fine too! How many carriages did you say there were?"
"Three." Richard said, rubbing his temples. "And they're not carriages, they're cars."
"So you three are from Earth then!" Ditzy exclaimed, much to the surprise of the humans.
"How... did you know that?" Richard asked slowly. Immediately, Ditzy's eyes widened.
"Oops, sorry, forget I mentioned that," she giggled. "Topsy turvey spacey wacey... stuff. The Doctor would get mad at me if I told you." Humming to herself, the mare turned towards the 'employees only' door.
"I'll be right back with some pegasi to take you up." she said, disappearing into the back.
"Topsy turvey spacey wacey... stuff? Knowing about cars?" Richard muttered. "The Doctor? You don't think..."
"No." Jeremy said, before Richard had time to ask.
"But what if she meant..."
"No, no, no." Jeremy was having none of it. "Drop it Richard."
"For once, I'm going to have to agree with Clarkson," May said, just as shaken as the other two. "Let's just let this one go."
The three presenters stood silently for a moment.
"Besides, it would be ridiculous..."
"James, shut up." Jeremy snapped.
"Righto."
After what felt like an eternity of awkward smalltalk, Ditzy reappeared, two pegasi trailing behind her.
"Alrighty then!" she exclaimed. "Speedwell and Mayflower here will take you up one at a time. Transport to Cloudsdale is ten bits per carriage, and you should get there in about twenty minutes."
"Dalek!" Richard coughed into his sleeve, earning glares from his friends.
"Oops, bless you!" Derpy said brightly.
"Yes, thank you." Jeremy said, paying the mailmare. "We'll just be getting out of your... er... mane." Gesturing to his fellows, Jeremy herded James and Richard outside, followed by the two pegasi.
"She seemed nice." James said.
Picking their way through the debris, the group of five made their way back to the cars. Pausing when they arrived, James glanced at the two pegasi, and back at the cars.
"Right," he said. "Who's going first then?"
HAMMOND DO HAMMOND FIRST... i want to see his reaction first
whelp, the top gear crew are boned.
2244073
No, we want James... He's terrified of heights as seen on the Bolivia Special...
Do Jeremy first
Ah cultural dissonance humor. Derpy means something something rather offensive in the UK.
Also somepony who yells at Derpy and makes Dinky cry deserves a name like Small Package.
Top gear crossovers are always the best fics. Keep going.
Sounds like the most awkward crossover ever. Gonna read it though.
pinkie.mylittlefacewhen.com/media/f/img/mlfw9286-1357354024508434.gif
Normally I won't read a Human crossover, but this is just too good to resist!
I want James first, then anyone else but make Derpy carry Jeremy
I can't wait for the next chapter xD
At least Derpy isn't the only pulling the cars......
Reminds me of how Daven (you know the one) bought a sonic screwdriver last wednesday... only to discover he needed a screwdriver to put the battries in.
Double-space.
*sure,"
Good chapter. The Doctor Who exchange was really great, particularly Richard's "Dalek!" cough.
I sincerely hope they meet the Doctor in a more civilised manner soon. Then I'll laugh at their reactions.
Well I hope they find a blue box soon.
Oh and I have a feeling that he (the Doctor) some thing to do with the portal.
The UN is already pissed at these three I bet.
Yay update!!!
The Doctor would be an nice addition!
Just the concept made me laugh. Being a fan of crazy limey antics I just had to read this. I think Hamster should go first, he has a good habit of freaking out in hilarious ways.
Two pegasi aren't gonna be able to carry them cars. Carriages are pretty bloody heavy, but cars are a different league to that.
...Derpy's gonna have to come help them, isn't she?
I want May to go first for his famous saying "Oh cock" :D
>Three Cars
What about the crew car? Although, I guess the camera crew have been given their own funds/wares to trade for funds for the program (probably more sensible stock, too).
after tonights episode, this was the perfect read
I hope they get to meet The Doctor.
2245424
They explained it last chapter, the cloudwalking spell makes the cars light enough as well.
Hammond then James and last Jeremy
I like that they immediately realised they couldn't make fun of Derpy. Then again, they were on the receiving end of a double helping of adorableness and adinkableness, so I suppose it isn't surprising.
Hee hee, this story never fails to make me lol with each chapter. Oh those poor humans. They have no idea what's in store for them. And they thought the suicidal death road through the Andes was terrifying... *evil cackle*
(heh heh, Small Package, heh heh heh)
Finally remembered to find this one again and actually favorite it! I love that there's a universe where top gear, doctor who, and my little pony all wind up mixed together... and that it's the universe we actually live in! Even cooler is that said reality also contains stories like this one, which likewise mix the three. :-P
I really hope that they get to meet me! I haven't seen humans in a while... But fantastic story. Keeps giving me that laugh I need
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They already did. Chapter 6. Needed some of James's solar-grade silicon.
2423122 I know that, but it was just an encounter. I'm talking about an adventure!
Just reading the description my first thought is "Dear Celestia, don't let Clarkson near... well... anywhere"
And as I read... fav!
This is the most beautiful thing I have ever seen in the past ten minutes. Why is this not constantly on the featured list?!
You haven't forgotten this story, have you? I'm waiting with baited breath to see what the challenge in Cloudsdale is...
Wait Derpy has a kid?!?!?!
Of course, OF COURSE I should've expected following up the heart-wrenching Derpy+Dinky moment with gut-busting laughter right afterwards.
And of course I should've expected getting suspicious at calling The Doctor.
I'm glad that the lads get confused at the mention of The Doctor. That always bugged me about other stories.
Then again, maybe, from The Doctor's perspective, humans don't know about him yet. He's a Time Traveler, things don't always happen to him on the right order
Also appreciate Derpy misquoting "Timey-Wimey"
*cough,cough* *hrm* dalek *cough*
2849929
Uhh... Yha.... It's like that in almost every story....
2244160 Really? I know this is an old comment, but if you or anyone else sees this, what does it mean? I will google it, but if anyone would like to help out...