• Published 18th Nov 2012
  • 8,183 Views, 452 Comments

Top Gear: The Worst Diplomats in the World - Blue Tunes



When a portal to Equestria opens up, The Producers decide that a new Top Gear Special is in order...

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Ponyville's Premier Postmare

"So... this is nice," Hammond muttered sarcastically as the three wise men beheld the Ponyville Postal Service.

The building had once resembled its peers, he was fairly sure of that. But where the other thatched-roof cottages and hovels had a quaint, medieval sense of homeliness about them, this building just looked...

"Wow..." James commented.

The Post Office looked, quite literally, like a bomb had gone off. Several beams of wood jutted from the structure at odd angles, evidence of some cataclysmic event that had also claimed much of the wall and most of the roof on the West side of the building. At odd intervals, evidence of further mishaps in the forms of scrapes, holes, cracks and even burn marks littered the exterior of the office.

"This place needs to be condemned." Jeremy murmured, as the three picked their way through the rubble to the front of the building. Sighing, he lightly pushed at the door, only to grimace as it came completely off its hinges like a white man on bath salts.

"Oops," came a bright giggle from inside. "Sorry, I really need to get that fixed."

Peering inside the small, brightly lit office, Richard blinked in confusion. Apart from the additional ventilation that resulted from having a hole the size of a small pony in the wall, the post office was immaculately well kept. Tasteful modern art hung from the walls, mahogany desks and comfortable looking lounges occupied the waiting room and there was not a speck of dust anywhere to be found.

"Blimey." James said in confusion.

"Blimey? What's a blimey?" That bright giggle sounded out again, and the three men managed to get over their mental shock and turn their attention towards it's owner.

The mail clerk was a young pegasus mare, grey, with yellow mane and tail. All of this was noted by Richard, but as he paid more attention, he noticed something else. Something a little strange.

"Which one of us is she looking at?" Hammond whispered.

"I... I'm not sure" James muttered back.

The young mare seemed to notice their hesitation, and for a split second, her ears splayed in disappointment and hurt. That brief moment of sadness was as a hammer blow to the three men. A kicked puppy couldn't have pulled off a more heart-rending sight, and if the lads knew anything, it was that this mare was off limits.

"Um, sorry Miss... uh..." Richard quickly pulled himself together and checked the name badge proudly clipped onto the front of the mail mare's uniform. "... Ditzy Doo?"

The grey pegasus giggled, all hurt seemingly forgotten. "That's my name! Well, one of them anyway..."

"One of your names?" Richard asked, bemused.

"Hey! Derpy!" A burly, red pegasus stallion stomped into the office from a back room, a despondent young unicorn filly in tow, and irritation plain on his face. "If you can't keep your daughter under control and out of staff areas..."

"Derpy?" James muttered to himself, indignation rising.

Noticing the three humans for the first time, the stallion trailed off. "Eh, customers? Fine, deal with this and we'll have a chat later." Tramping back through the door form which he'd arrived, the red stallion swept a wing, slamming it behind him.

Ditzy rushed immediately over to the young filly, trying desperately to comfort her as tears began to drip down her daughter's face.

"Mommy, Mr Package was being mean again" she sniffed, nuzzling into her mother as her sniffling threatened to turn into a full on breakdown.

"Oh Dinky" Ditzy said softly. "I know it's not fair. But mommy needs you to stay out of the sorting room." The grey pegasus draped a soft wing over her daughter as Dinky shook with tears.

"But I'm good at sorting! It's the only thing I am any good at!" Dinky cried. "I just want to be like you mommy..."

"I know Muffin." Ditzy said softly. "But right now I need you to stay out of the back rooms. Why don't you go and play with some of the toys in the waiting room?"

"But I've already played with them all before!" Dinky huffed, pouting as her tears started to dry up.

"Do it for Mommy?" Ditzy asked desperately.

Dinky considered this, before sighing. "Ok..."

Ditzy gave her daughter one last nuzzle before turning her attention back to the three humans as Dinky left.

"Oh, um, sorry about that..." she started, before Richard cut her off.

"Wait, what did he just call you?" he asked, indignant.

"Oh, don't worry about that." Ditzy said, flustered. "It's my fault, I get so clumsy sometimes. I just don't know what goes wrong, but accidents follow me around." Ditzy smiled, but the expression was obviously forced. "Small Package gave me a job when nopony else would."

The grey mare paused in confusion as Richard and James struggled to contain their laughter. Jeremy was unable to stop himself, and burst out, startling the pegasus, who gave them all an odd look.

"Sm... Small Package?" James asked, spluttering. "Is that his actual name?"

Upon acknowledgement that the men had not simply misheard her, Richard, Clarkson and May tried valiantly to pull themselves back together.

"Anyway..." Ditzy said, getting things back on topic. "What did you guys need? Do you have letters that need sending?"

"Erm, no." Hammond replied. "Actually we need a team of pegasi to take our vehicles up to Cloudsdale." He frowned. "Wow, I can't believe I just said that."

"Oh!" Ditzy exclaimed, her bubbly personality back in force. "Well that's fine too! How many carriages did you say there were?"

"Three." Richard said, rubbing his temples. "And they're not carriages, they're cars."

"So you three are from Earth then!" Ditzy exclaimed, much to the surprise of the humans.

"How... did you know that?" Richard asked slowly. Immediately, Ditzy's eyes widened.

"Oops, sorry, forget I mentioned that," she giggled. "Topsy turvey spacey wacey... stuff. The Doctor would get mad at me if I told you." Humming to herself, the mare turned towards the 'employees only' door.

"I'll be right back with some pegasi to take you up." she said, disappearing into the back.

"Topsy turvey spacey wacey... stuff? Knowing about cars?" Richard muttered. "The Doctor? You don't think..."

"No." Jeremy said, before Richard had time to ask.

"But what if she meant..."

"No, no, no." Jeremy was having none of it. "Drop it Richard."

"For once, I'm going to have to agree with Clarkson," May said, just as shaken as the other two. "Let's just let this one go."

The three presenters stood silently for a moment.

"Besides, it would be ridiculous..."

"James, shut up." Jeremy snapped.

"Righto."

After what felt like an eternity of awkward smalltalk, Ditzy reappeared, two pegasi trailing behind her.

"Alrighty then!" she exclaimed. "Speedwell and Mayflower here will take you up one at a time. Transport to Cloudsdale is ten bits per carriage, and you should get there in about twenty minutes."

"Dalek!" Richard coughed into his sleeve, earning glares from his friends.

"Oops, bless you!" Derpy said brightly.

"Yes, thank you." Jeremy said, paying the mailmare. "We'll just be getting out of your... er... mane." Gesturing to his fellows, Jeremy herded James and Richard outside, followed by the two pegasi.

"She seemed nice." James said.

Picking their way through the debris, the group of five made their way back to the cars. Pausing when they arrived, James glanced at the two pegasi, and back at the cars.

"Right," he said. "Who's going first then?"