Barter (Part 2)
Twilight Sparkle was having a long day. With the news that an extra-equestrian species of highly advanced apes had been discovered, the pedantic purple pony powered through textbooks and tomes like a knife through butter, to no avail. None of her books referenced, even briefly, the species her mentor had described. Her current understanding of the creatures was currently restricted to their bipedalism and apparent technological marvel, and it seemed that further studies would need to be withheld until she could get her hooves on relevant reading material.
'Or a live specimen' she daydreamed as she set down Mythological Marvels; A Field Guide.
"Any luck Twilight? You locked yourself in your room for so long I almost thought you were dead." Her assistant's voice jolted the unicorn from her musings, and she shook her head a little to clear her thoughts.
"No Spike" she replied, downcast. "The closest I've managed to come is Minotaur creation myth, and the beings described just don't match up with Princess Celestia's description from her letter. I'm afraid we're just going to have to wait."
---
"Well this is nice" James commented over the radio as his Jeep rolled easily over the grassy fields, the suspension easily compensating for every potential bump. "The countryside sort of reminds me of Italy".
"Less olives though" Hammond chimed in, also relatively comfortable in his Land Rover, though he was still a bit miffed about the color scheme.
"Errmmffaargh" agreed Clarkson, who was having a decidedly worse time of things. The deceptively soft-looking grassy fields were playing havoc with the underside of his Aston, every rock and pebble felt like a boulder, and the larger man's back was quickly becoming a casualty to the cause.
"All right there Jezza?" James asked with mock concern.
"Course he is" Hammond replied cheerfully. "Clarkson can't get enough of the Vantage. I can't believe I didn't think to bring one myself." He stopped and pondered for a moment "Or maybe a Lamborghini Gallardo? We should really be showing these aliens automotive technology at its finest."
"And I can't help but noticing that he has leather interior" James said, grinning from ear to ear. "It must be absolutely luxurious to drive."
"Shut it." Clarkson grumbled, his voice shaking with his car as he passed over a particularly nasty patch of grass.
"One thing I forgot to mention to you in our last letter" Hammond said. "The producers supplied a backup car for this trip as well."
"And at this rate I might just take it." Jeremy replied hopefully. "What is it?"
"A Pontiac Aztek" Hammond managed to choke out before descending into a fit of laughter.
"Sod off and die" Clarkson groaned. "They didn't."
"They most certainly did" Hammond replied with glee.
"It's the dual suspension version. It would be more comfortable than your Aston" James added.
"I will [REDACTED BY THE BRITISH BROADCASTING CORPORATION] until your legs fall off" Jeremy threatened, his voice grim.
"Well... that... will have to wait" Hammond interrupted, his face a little green. "Because according to that sign we just passed, we're here."
---
"Twilight, if you keep this up, you'll end up going straight through the floor into the basement" Spike said testily. "And I'm going to have to fix up the floor again."
Twilight looked down guiltily. It was true, her pacing had once again begun to wear grooves into the floorboards. "Sorry Spike, but I just can't stand sitting around Ponyville waiting for word on a species that..."
---
"Well we might as well give them a proper Top Gear greeting." Jeremy commented, his mind finally wandering from his terrible suspension and the nightmarish thought of driving that thing across an entire country.
"Clarkson..." James warned.
---
"For all intents and purposes we know nothing about, when I could be off on the diplomatic mission myself learning new things. I just wish that there was some way that I could meet one of them..."
---
"I don't think they've spotted us" Clarkson muttered as his car crept down a side street.
---
"Think about it Spike, two intellectuals of different worlds conversing about anything and everything!"
---
"Let's do this"
---
"I'm sure there's much we could learn from each other."
---
"HELLO PONYVILLE!" The sound of the V8 roared through the sleepy village as Clarkson planted his foot on the accelerator, revving the engine, and causing both Hammond and May to face-palm. The two quieter television hosts parked on either side of the Vantage and sat back to watch the drama unfold.
---
"What on Equis was that?" Twilight wondered aloud as she trotted over to the balcony to look down upon the street, gasping as she spotted the source of the disturbance. Three great metal beasts sat in the middle of the main road, the central one, a gleaming grey, its sleek body far removed from the rustic surrounds of the Ponyville houses was the source of the noise.
And what a noise it was. Like a threatened timberwolf, it's growling sent a shiver down the purple pony's spine. But it seemed motionless, and even as she watched, the noise stopped, and a new one took its place. Yelling, and lots of it.
"Clarkson, what the bloody hell are you thinking?" a rather posh voice called out exasperatedly. "This is an alien population center, not a Top Gear live show!"
Twilight gasped as the side of one of the metal beasts swung out, but was then struck dumb by what stepped out.
Rushing upstairs, she retrieved a quill and parchment, and began hurriedly writing, the text barely legible as her jumbled mind made a mess of the telekinesis. One sloppy letter later and she was back downstairs, panting and spluttering, parchment hovering inches away from Spike's nose.
"Send... Princess" the young mare managed to gasp out, and in a quick spurt of green flames, the letter was gone.
"Now..." she turned, parchment and quill at the ready, towards the door. "It's time for some questions... human."
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Ah, lovely chapter. This will set Terran-Equestrian relations back a few thousand years.
I wonder how the Aston will fare on the Moon?
"A Pontiac Aztec"
Damn. Poor, poor Jezza... Reminds me of the back-up chopper from the Vietnam Special, actually. Does the Aztec come stocked with steaks and a portable barbecue? I'm sure Jezza and 'shy would have an interesting... discussion.
We've all seen 'shy when she's pissed. Jezza'll wish he'd gotten a bulletproof vest at the starting line.
(Joke) Alt. Title: Top Gunk: The Worst Fanfiction In The World
HELLO PONYVILLE *V8 roars*
I feel sorry for Jeremy... The moon will be worse than normal terrain...
Wow. You have the characters, and their situations and challenges absolutely perfect.
That is exactly the kind of crap they would have in their car boot. Complete garbage, some useful things and weapons of mass destruction.
Don't know why Jezza took a V8 not a V12, and it's also spelt "Aztek".
And you're being a bit too nice to James. While having useful things to barter with might just be to level out his lack of charisma, you've given him a good car compared to the others, an easy journey through the portal, and now he has, by far, the best arsenal of bartering equipment.
Still, the chapters following will be a perfect showcase for James' charisma. I can just imagine him talking to a pony. "Hello." "..."
Oh heck yeah, this is going exactly the way i'd expect an episode of Top Gear to go if hey went to Equestria.
Keep on writing!
I hope that the Stig's Equestrian cousin will show up soon.
1810023
The best bartering? Clarkson is going doling out those pages like a crack dealer if he gets a solid read on Twilight.
Note Ponyville has no cell towers...
Ponystig
*Discord shivers in terror* I sense a disturbance in the Farce. Something too chaotic even for me... I must flee! Mmmmf! MMMMMFFFF!! ... Oh yeah, the turned to stone thing. Well buck.
I am loving this story so MUCH.
Oh God. I can hear their voices in my head with every line.
There's the most disturbing grin ever on my face right now, can't seem to shake it.
My only complaint is these chapters are so short. Equestria is so bucked. I can't wait for Tia to come back from the UN only to find a smoking crater and Clarkson explaining why it's not their fault.
Love the story, but....you killed the Stig!
Now there has to be an Equestrian pony who goes around in nothing but a driving outfit.
Honestly, a Top Gear episode could just be Clarkson going, "POWWWEEERRRRRR" and revving his engine for 70 minutes.
Man if only they had my Grand Prix with a supercharger!!!! That would be great!
I've never wanted to be in Equestria more than right now.
Lol, oh god, not the Pontiac Aztek!!
For years I had never known it's name, only that I had despised it lol! Now, I know it's not exactly a high performance car, or even the best choice, but if I were exploring the alien world of Equestria in a car, the first sight I'd like them to see and behold as the great result of human engineering, is the beauty of my 1997 Chevrolet Silverado 
lol. Besides, I'd want to bring something I'm comfortable with no doubt, and what better than the very vehicle my dad let me drive in our field when I was 4 and sat in his lap to steer, and even now drive as my own? It's a member of the family, it's the first thing I'd want to bring to a new world.