Barter (Part 1)
"Manehattan?" Clarkson exclaimed incredulously. "These place-names wouldn't know subtlety if it drop kicked them in the face. And their capital city is Canterlot for Christ's sake!"
"It's only a model" supplied James helpfully.
"Shut it." Clarkson replied automatically.
"Gentlemen!" Hammond proclaimed, walking back from the F250 with a golden envelope clutched in his hand. "Our first orders from the top! Time to find out what kind of catastrophic diplomatic emergency we're off to cause first!"
"No, don't joke about that" groaned Clarkson. "Remember India." All three men flinched, the resulting fallout from that particular episode had been massive, even by Top Gear standards.
"That was all your doing though" James reminded him.
"I don't know what you're on about" Clarkson shrugged, an innocent look on his face.
"Do you two want to hear this or what?" Hammond asked impatiently.
"Fire away."
"By all means."
"Right then" Hamster begun, tearing open the envelope. "Congratulations, you have all hopefully made it into Equestria alive and well" he spared only a quick glance toward the mound of earth on the hill that marked the Stig's grave before continuing on; "Just over two miles from the Equestrian side of the portal lies the town of Ponyville."
Clarkson gagged a little, which earned him a glare from Hammond and an amused glance from May.
"In the old days, British explorers and emissaries would offer trinkets to the peoples of faraway lands in order to gain trust and facilitate communications" Hammond continued.
"Yeah, right before they raped their women, plundered their villages and converted them all to Christianity." Clarkson interrupted drily.
"In the boots of each of your cars you will find a number of items which are, so far, unheard of in popular Equestrian culture. Your job is to set up shop in Ponyville and attempt to sell these items in the marketplace. The money you make will be your budget for the remainder of your stay in Equestria, so do a good job or you may find yourselves going hungry." Hammond looked up from the letter with a shrug. "How hard can it be?"
---
"I'm doomed" Hammond moaned.
"Oh stop whining'" James ordered. "It's not that bad."
"How the bloody hell am I supposed to get across a country on a packet of Australian biscuits, three AA batteries, a ballpoint pen, two extra large condoms and a porno magazine?" Richard wondered aloud. "And you just sit there all smug looking with a bunch of electronic gadgets!"
James just grinned at the unfortunate Hammond. With enough solar powered batteries to cover most of the Equestrian countryside and enough mobile phones to give a cockroach cancer, May was looking very pleased with himself indeed.
"What about you Clarkson?" Hammond called over to the Vantage, where Jeremy was intently focused on one particular item.
"Not so good I'm afraid chaps" the taller man replied. "All they gave me is a bunch of printed Wikipedia pages."
James looked up sharply. "Hang on, give us a look" he said, jogging over to the Aston and thumbing quickly through a few of the myriad pages, all printed in size 12 font, which filled the boot-space to the brim.
"What?" Clarkson asked despondently, gazing longingly at May's pile of electronics.
"Well some of this stuff is really in depth" May said. "I'm pretty sure the ponies don't quite have a grasp of quantum mechanics or nuclear fission just yet."
"So you're saying that this stuff is worth a lot" Clarkson said, putting two and two together.
"What I'm saying is that I don't know if selling the secret to atomic weaponry to aliens is such a great..."
"So it IS worth a lot?" Clarkson prompted, receiving a sigh from May.
"You are the most self-centered, arrogant pillock I have ever had the misfortune to meet."
"Soon to be the richest, most self-centered pillock you've ever met" Clarkson replied with barely suppressed glee, as he closed the boot and slid into the driver's seat of his V8. "To Punnyville!"
---
Midway through the most important, groundbreaking meeting Princess Celestia had attended in her very long life a shiver passed down her spine, causing the white Alicorn to shudder slightly. Noticing her sister's discomfort, Luna gave her a gentle nudge, making sure not to attract undue attention from the other attendants as she did so.
"What is the matter sister?" the princess of the night whispered softly as the Prime Minister of Canada took center stage.
"Something... I do not rightly know" Celestia replied. "A disturbance in the fabric of worlds, I cannot place it." Shaking her head from side to side almost imperceptibly, the snowy Diarch stood to make her address to the United Nations.
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Sell the wiki pages to twilight she would give you anything. Also great story keep it up though sorry to hear about the laptop hope it gets fixed soon.
Ok.
They're screwed.
DOCTOR! GETCHO TARDIS! WE HAVE TO DO SOME STUFF!
1637756
all we know is that he's called...THE STIG!!!!
My good god.
I cannot wait for Celestia to meet Obama!
Oh, Celestia, my sides. I'm laughing so hard.
I like Top Gear. But I also like My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, but which is better.
There's only one way to find out...
I, I can't breath. Laughing, too, hard. Hammond's, Hammond's stuff to sell made me laugh to hard. Can't, can't breath. *dies.
OH GAWD, I CAN'T BREATHE
This is glorious.
cdn.memegenerator.net/instances/400x/31015313.jpg
We all know who will buy those wiki pages...god help them all.
Richard has to sell a porno mag?
This won't end well.
1686454>>1686489
How did I not see that?
Clearly the Producers are: Discord, Chrysalis, and Sombra
1707673 Jelly Pony will buy it. He's a total perv.
I have lost the ability to can.
James May has forgotten the key detail that cell phones are just fancy noisemakers without a cell tower network already in place to service them.
It might be short, but damn if it ain't quality.
I started this thinking: "What is this? I don't even"
I finished this thinking: "I still don't know what this is."
I'm not sure if its a car wreck or funny. Heisenberg curse you!
1710644
t.qkme.me/35psf0.jpg
1710742
cdn.memegenerator.net/instances/400x/28864249.jpg
GOODNIGHT
1707565 Sorry, Kind of stole his TARDIS. Wanted to go to Equestria.
Place your bets, place your bets. What will the hosts burn down/collapse/explode first?
Oh boy, here we go.
1708624 Also, ponies dont have fingers...
So when do we get to meet the Stigs Equestrian cousin.
ponycraft.net/wp-content/forum-image-uploads/the-stig-pony/2012/05/the_stig_pony_wallpaper_by_kman_studio-d4ofgv0.jpg
To the author of the only Top Gear fic on this site that I think is worth reading, I am eagerly awaiting the next installment and do hope you will update again soon.
1778130
Next update will be out soon- I spent most of the previous weeks without my computer, so I'm looking forward to making up for lost time.
You bastard, you just killed me. I'm dead now, and my ghost threw my corpse off the chair to sit down and type this.
Wikipedia pages +
= $$$
please have a "run away moment. please
Third to quote this line! Also hoping that an argument clinic is set up.
"I sense a disturbance in the force. Like three TV show hosts cried out, in terror, and were suddenly silenced...by an angry mob."
i would have quoted the Force refference, but i was beat to it. Kudos poster below me.
I entered here with no warning to heed, expecting a horribly done story. what i found made me laugh at every chapter.
this is well done, you get a fave, a like, and two moustaches
I find myself laughing, shaking my head, and muttering 'these three are such fools. I love it' the entire time I am reading this.
1707667
And I think we also all know who will buy that Porno magazine...
Two XXL condoms and a Porno mag
who came up with this?
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