• Published 19th Nov 2012
  • 6,818 Views, 791 Comments

The Missionary - Radon18

Follow a man, surviving in equestria with nothing but his wits and his faith, oh and his own town.

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Chapter19: John's Good Day (in which he is almost set on fire)

Chapter 19

(Reminder that I own nothing!)

“Words in a foreign language.”
“Quoting in thought”


"Woah, you’re tall." The little purple lizard thing looked up at us like Eleison and I were the most interesting things in the world. The attention made me feel just a little uncomfortable. Not as uncomfortable as the horde of technicolor horses still staring at us, but still enough to make me want to hurry on our way.

“Twilight! Hey, is this the alien!?” The little thing was almost bouncing with excitement.

Twilight stepped forward, wearing an expression half way between humor and annoyance. “He sure is Spike, just try not to stare so much, I don’t think they enjoy the attention.”

‘Spike’ tried to avert his stare but it was a totally lost cause, I would have probably thought the whole situation was adorable if I even knew what the little lizard thing even was.

“Hey Twilight, who’s the lizard?” I took a step backwards at the odd display. I doubted the rather large reptile would try to take a bite out of one of us, considering it was intelligent, but I felt a little distance was a wise precaution.

“I’M NOT A LIZARD, I'M A DRAGON! D-R-A-G-O-N! How many of you ponies are going to call me that!?” The little thing shouted, causing us to back up a few more steps.

“It’s alright Spike, Chris didn't know, did you chris?” Twilight calmly stated, sounding very much like a school teacher explaining something to a young child.

“Sooo, are we talking just big lizards or actual fire breathing, village burning, mythological monsters?” I said. Anyone paying attention could have noticed the sudden nervousness in my voice and I'm not afraid to admit the thought of dragons being a real thing in this place wouldn't so much surprise me as it would scare me senseless.

“Well, most fully grown dragons are several stories tall and the uncivilized members of their society can be quite vicious, but I would avoid calling any of them a ‘big lizard;’ they find it quite unsavory,” Celestia answered to a chorus of nods from the ponies and a smug look from Spike.

“Let’s just go before we get devoured by the kraken or something!” I growled in frustration as I tried not to think about all of the other monsters and demons that could now be as real as I was.

“But we’re nowhere near the ocean!” Twilight spoke up again.

I froze and slowly turned my head to her, a horrified look pasted over my features. “You’re joking. Please tell me you're joking.”

Luna seemed to find the whole situation quite funny; her snickers accompanied us all the way back to Twilight’s tree/library/house thing. I don’t think I’ve ever been so happy to be indoors; being the center of attention for an entire town was... unsettling after living all alone for a few months.


AJ stepped through Twilight’s door like she had many times before but the sight that greeted her when she actually got into the room was decidedly not like those many other times, what with the couple from another world and all.

Chris and Eleison had taken a seat together after stomping off the snow stuck to their clothes and were now both being bombarded by questions from Spike. The little dragon could be as enthusiastic as Twilight when it came to studying when the subject interested him, and boy was he interested in the pair of humans. He even grabbed Chris’ hand to compare it to his own. Oddly enough the cranky human stallion allowed it. Well, he allowed everything right up until Spike tried to see if he was flame resistant.

AJ took a seat on the rug next to the couch where the humans sat and chuckled to herself at Spike’s apologies as Chris glared at the poor little drake while he beat out the smoldering embers on the sleeve of his coat. The rest of Applejacks’ friends and the two Princesses found places to sit around the room. All things considered, the library was pretty cozy with all the people who’d been crammed into it.

“Now that we are settled in I feel like now would be a good time for some questions, if our human guests will permit?” Celestia asked from her place on a large pillow next to Luna who had opted for a simple spot on the rug.

“I don't mind I guess, just keep it short,” Chris responded, looking down with a slight scowl at the dragon who had crawled onto his lap. Twilight was already grinning in that... odd way she does when she is really curious about something, she even had her quill and paper hovering close by in case she needed to take notes. Everypony in the room was pretty eager to ask the two aliens questions. Well, everyone except Rainbow Dash who, despite the obvious interest she was showing, insisted on acting standoffish.

“OH, OH, ME FIRST!” Pinkie bounced up and down, waving her hoof in the air like she was an excitable foal in the back of a grade school classroom.

“Ugh, sure, what's your question Pinkie?” Chris groaned sending a short fit of giggles around the room.

“Do you like cupcakes?” She asked, suddenly very still and extremely attentive. It was like Pinkie thought that the fate of the world hinged on the next words out of Chris’ mouth.

“Um... Yeah, cupcakes are pretty good, I guess,” Chris responded with a raised eyebrow.

“What's your favorite kind?” Pinkie asked with a wide grin.

“Carrot...” Chris answered, scooting as far away from Pinkie as the couch (and Eleison) would allow.

“Okie Dokie Loki!” And with that Pinkie sat back down in her spot like nothing ever happened.

“So who’s the next lucky pony?” Chris asked, while he and Eleison absentmindedly poked the spines on the top of Spike’s head.

“Does the relatively small size of your eyes have any negative affects on your ability to see?” Twilight asked, quill at the ready.

Chris glared at her in annoyance for a moment. “My eyes aren't small, yours are just huge. Next question.” Chris said, causing Twilight to frown and make a few scratches on her parchment.

“Um, you said you needed to eat meat, what kinds?” Fluttershy spoke up from her pillow. Rarity and Twilight, being the city-slickers they were, were unable to keep their faces from turning just a little green.

“Anything that can't ask us not to,” Chris said in a noticeably softer tone.

“Really?” Fluttershy shuffled her hooves at the noticeably green looks on a few of her friends faces.

“Somewhere, some time, no matter what it is, a human has probably tried to eat it,” Chris said trying to be a little less biting than he had been with the others. “But I don’t think you guys have to worry.”

“You aren't going to try and-” Rainbow Dash started, but she was interrupted by a very sudden outburst from Chris.

“I know what you're asking and don't you dare start that,” Chris said, hatred plain on his face. “I do not have the patience to try and put down rumors that we eat people, so just keep that to yourself.”

“Calm down sugarcube, RD’s just really bullheaded sometimes and kinda has a habit of bein’ protective, you get used to it.” Applejack interjected, trying to calm the furious human. She gave him a reassuring pat on the knee. It worked just well enough that the human wasn’t quite shooting fire from his eyes and thunder from his belly anymore, although it did sort of look like he still wanted to.

“Fine, lets just hurry this up, we still need to walk home.” Chris said with a huff, leaning back into his seat. “Do you have something to ask the freaky aliens, AJ? You at least seem to be somewhat rational.”

“Hmm, well let me think of somethin’.” Applejack said, adopting a thinking pose. “Hmm, how bout ‘would you like to come to breakfast at Sweet Apple Acres tomorrow mornin’?’ I’d love to introduce the new neighbors to Granny Smith and the family.” Applejack said, prompting a surprised look that slowly bled into the first smile from the cantankerous alien any of their current company had ever seen.

“Sure, sounds great,” Chris answered. “How bout it Elly? Wanna hit up AJ for breakfast?” He asked his silent companion. She answered with a simple nod.

“OH, COME ON! All it took was inviting him to breakfast!? So not fair Applejack!” Pinkie shouted, confusing everyone, before settling into a pout.

Applejack shook her head in wide eyed confusion. “Ah have no clue what yer talkin about Pinkie.”

“I don't think many ever do, darling.” Rarity commented from... that fainting couch she always pulls out of nowhere.

Chris chuckled a bit. “I don't suppose you have a question Marilyn Monroe?”

“Moi?” Rarity gestured to herself looking around in confusion at the name. “Well I suppose I would ask what kind of material those coats of yours are made of.” She trotted over to Eleison and made a show of rubbing her hoof down the sleeve of Eleison’s Coat. “I am ever so curious, even if the color and pattern choices are... not in style at the moment, the material is quite fascinating.”

“It’s, umm, nylon, I think. I’m not really sure.” Chris answered with a shrug.

“And what is nylon?” Rarity asked.

“It’s, umm... I know its a synthetic replacement for silk, I have no clue how they make the stuff.” Chris said with another shrug.

“Synthetic?” Celestia asked, not familiar with the word.

“That means it can’t be found in nature. Someone actually had to discover and then make the material.” Chris leaned back into the sofa as Celestia took a moment to digest what he had said.

“So humans can craft unnatural materials?” Luna asked, just as curious as her sister.

“Well it wouldn't just be humans. Anyone who spent enough time learning about the world around them could do things like that. All it takes is a little persistence and some happy accidents and you find things like nylon, penicillin, or plastics.” Chris said finally relaxing back to his normal only-sort-of-annoyed state.

“Fascinating, so all of the things you have shown us are only products of the study of your own world?” Luna asked, looking over her shoulder to make sure Twilight was taking proper notes.

“Pretty much,” Chris responded nonchalantly before sitting up and looking the two Princesses with an expression that was recognisable as his ‘serious face.’ “Okay, now I've got some questions you could answer for me.”

“We see no harm in answering any questions you may have, feel free to ask.” Luna answered with a casual gesture of her wing.

“A few days ago, when we first met, you mentioned something about taking some dangerous material from my town; what was it you were after?” Chris leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees in a gesture of attentiveness.

The Princesses glanced at one another before Celestia nodded. “We are securing your town's supply of platinum,” Celestia stated plainly.

Chris crooked an eyebrow in confusion. “Why the heck do you think platinum is dangerous? Its just a shiny metal with only a couple uses besides being valuable.”

“It’s a powerful reagent for magic,” Twilight interjected.

“Yes, its rarity and utility make it one of the most sought after materials in all of Equestria but also the most dangerous.” Celestia added.

“Can you give me a quick run down on exactly what you mean? I'm kind of lost here.” Chris asked his brow furrowed in thought.

“It can be used to hold an enchantment for thousands of years, or as a catalyst for some of the most destructive magic ever created. It was once used in the vast power struggles that make up the Dragon political structure and this is, as far as we know, the reason for its extreme scarcity, as much of it was used as a weapon to make dragon fire more potent. Its value has been known to cause nations to go to war over the tiniest deposit. Your town holds more platinum than all of this world’s governments combined,” Celestia finished.

After a brief moment the gravity of the situation finally caught up with Chris. “Woah... Yeah, I can see why you would need to control the stuff.”

“You have no objection to us securing it then?” Luna asked.

“Well, I don't really hold much love for you bunch, ergh I mean besides Fluttershy and AJ of course,” He quickly corrected after a look from the farmer and a tearful display from Fluttershy. Pinkie Pie let off a small, angry huff. “But I’d rather you have it than someone else come steamroll my town for the stuff. I mean, heck, I’m not going to do anything with it.” Chris finally settled back into his chair looking a little more relaxed if slightly shaken from the news. “There isn't really anything there that would be worth the risk,” Chris finished in a softer tone.

Celestia and Luna shared a nod and a smile before standing up from their places. “It is a relief to hear that, Chris. We are pleased that we may see to our kingdom’s safety without disregarding your wishes; as necessary as this step is, we would be most upset if it were to hamper the growth any friendships between you and our subjects,” Luna said with a formal flourish. Luna took a moment to check the clock on Twilight’s wall. “Sister, it is time for dusk.”

Celestia checked the clock and nodded. “You are indeed correct, Luna.” The two Princesses rose from their seats among the group. “If you would please excuse us, Luna and I must see to our royal duties. We will return in just a moment.” The royal sisters turned and walked upstairs to Twilight’s balcony, leaving a very confused Chris in their wake.

“What are they going upstairs for? What’d they mean by ‘royal duties’?” Chris wondered aloud, looking over to the clock. He had failed to notice how long they had actually been out today, the sun would be on its way down soon.

“Tha Princesses control tha sun and moon. Been doin’ it forever,” AJ answered, beating Twilight to the punch.

Chris raised another eyebrow. “Wow, and just when I was starting to respect them a little bit I find out that they lie to their own people.”

“W-what?! No! They really do control the sun and moon!” Twilight stuttered as Chris got up from his seat to follow the Princesses upstairs with a perpetually chipper Eleison in tow, leaving a room full of stunned ponies and one fuming Rainbow Dash in their wake.


Eleison and I stepped out onto the balcony, stooping low to get under the low hanging door frame. The two princesses sat side by side watching the sun slowly sink behind the distant horizon.

“So... Your friends downstairs told me you’ve been telling everyone you control the sun and the moon,” I said leaning back against the warm wood of the library. I probably looked really smug right about then, it’s not everyday you catch two monarchs perpetuating such an easily disprovable lie.

The sisters exchanged a look. Luna spoke up first. “Well... we do. Why would we keep that from our subjects?”

I was surprised by that answer. Not so much that she’d lied, but mostly that it was actually a really convincing lie; I’d taken the princesses to be pretty terrible actresses. “C’mon. My race was at the height of the space-age before I got teleported to this place. I know how the world moves around the sun. I mean, I ought to, I watched the whole Solar System shrink into a tiny point of light from the cameras on board the Voyager II.”

Celestia just kind of looked at me. “Chris, I do not know how the laws of your own world work, but I assure you that we are being honest. My sister and I are the forces that move the sun and moon through the sky.”

I just crossed my arms and smirked. “Prove it.”

And I’ll be damned, they did.

Right then and there their horns lit up, brilliant gold for Celestia and a night sky blue for Luna. The anti-magic shell Twilight had put up to protect me and Eleison rippled under the pressure of whatever spell the princesses were casting, distorting the colors and forms of the sisters.

They just stood there for a minute, looking at me and Eleison in our bubble. I figured they were bluffing and that they were trying to intimidate us into backing down, but then I saw the colors in the evening sky shift. The sun was rising. It was going backwards. I watched the sun as its bottom edge topped the lip of the horizon. The sun hovered there for another moment before dropping out of sight completely.

“Ho lee shit.”

I looked at Eleison, “You saw that, right? You saw it?!” She just looked at me like I had freaked out over the baking soda volcano at a middle school science fair.

“Yes...?” I’m really not sure what I’d really expected from her, but boredom had not been on the list. Sleepy? Maybe, but she looked like she’d spent a whole hour watching paint dry.

“How can you-” I turned to the princesses, “How did you-” I looked back into the library “How did she-”

I stopped, took a breath, and calmed down. “I’m going to go to bed. I’ll talk to you two... whenever.” I made to walk back into the library, putting a hand to my head to massage away the sudden headache. “You comin’ Elly?” I looked to find she was already arm-in-arm with me, grinning like a kid. When had she done that? Whatever. I needed some sleep and I needed it before gravity decided to stop working. I started walking.

I heard Luna make a comment before the door closed behind me, “Well, that was certainly abrupt.”


To say our exit from the building was quick would be a huge understatement. After coming down the stairs Eleison and I hurried out of the door without a word to the ponies in the room. I feel like I need to mention that I could practically feel the smugness radiating off of Rainbow Dash as we passed by her but I was a little too preoccupied to really care at the time.

We walked quickly down the frozen dirt road, getting as much distance from what I had just seen as I could. After a minute I finally slowed to a walk and the sound of someone shouting behind us finally managed to overpower the crunching of the road beneath our feet.

“Hey! Hold on just one applebucking minute!” Applejack slowed to a trot a few feet behind us and finally took a spot to our left as we continued down the road. “Are y’all alright? Ya had me worried there.” Applejacks’ face was wrinkled in concern. All I could really manage was a frustrated sigh.

Before I could think of a coherent response, the faint sound of wings flapping in the cold air caught my attention. I spotted Fluttershy coming from the library, flying as quickly as she could to catch up with us. “Oh my, are you two ok? Did something upset you? I hope you're not hurt.” Fluttershy fussed over Eleison and I like we were children, making sure we hadn't hurt ourselves.

Finally after a few moments of fussing I waved the butter-yellow pegasi off. “Yeah we’re ok, I'm just a little shaken up,” I said to the two ponies. I don’t think they believed me.

‘Whats tha’ matter sugarcube?” Applejack asked as we resumed our walk at a much easier pace.

“I don't suppose you've ever had something you know to be an absolute law of the universe shattered in front of you?” I asked.

“Ahh, can't say ah have...” Applejack looked over to Fluttershy, who shook her head.

“They made the sun go backwards,” I stated in a flat tone.

“Well ah seen that before. Celestia made the sun go backwards for a whole day a few months ago as a prank. Drove tha’ weather ponies nuts,” Applejack said, chuckling.

“That’s... not how it works where I'm from,” I said, my voice slowly sinking into a depressed drawl.

“What? Nopony plays pranks?” Applejack asked in a last ditch effort to brighten my mood.

“Nopony controls the sun,” Fluttershy interjected. I looked back at her and the expression on her face was more firm than I had ever seen it before. “This is the same thing as those people in those pictures isn't it? You aren't from here.”

“No Fluttershy, we’re not from here,” I replied.

I looked over at AJ and saw the realization wash over her face moments before we came to the gate to her property, the moon was bright enough to see for our entire walk home. While I was thankful for it, I couldn't help but wonder if it was Luna lighting the way rather than the moon.

“Well, ah guess ah’ll see you two in tha’ mornin’,” Applejack said, her voice softer than all of the other times I had heard it.

“Yeah, see you then,” I said, Eleison chipping in with a notably happier “bye!”

We resumed our walk home in silence. Just as Fluttershy opened her mouth to say something a loud rumble tore through the silence. Fluttershy and I looked around in confusion only for the noise to draw our gazes to the quiet redhead, specifically to her stomach.

“I’m hungry,” Eleison said, looking at me with pleading eyes.

“Crap! I forgot to go buy food today.” I pinched my nose in frustration. How could I have forgotten something so basic? Somewhere in the back of my mind the phrase ‘distracted by ponies’ danced around and blew raspberries at my conciousness. “I’m sorry Eleison, can you hold out till the morning?”

“Um, I can make you something if you want.” Fluttershy spoke up. “That is, if you don't mind salad. It’s all I have that I think you would like,” She said tracing little circles in the dirt with a front hoof.

I smiled at her, truly grateful for her offer. “Thanks Fluttershy, it would be a big help.”

I heard a distant, enraged scream coming from the general direction of the Ponyville library. I’m not sure how I knew, really. Call it intuition, call it instinct, call it a message from God, but I knew that the source of that sound was pink and that it was annoying. I shivered.


Eleison and I went ahead and headed back to the Winnebago, we had agreed to allow Fluttershy a few minutes to get something together. We both walked in and sat down heavily on the couch, it had been a long day and I imagine, despite the facade of never ending energy she put up, that Eleison was probably as tired as I was. I looked around to find something to fill the short wait and my eyes fell to the box of study bibles. I grabbed one at random and opened it up to an arbitrary page.

“Do not steal. Do not lie. Do not deceive one another.”

For some strange reason my eyes were drawn to this verse. After a moment of staring I closed the book and picked up another, opening to another random page.

“Lie not one to another, seeing that you have put off the old man with his deeds”

My eye twitched in frustration and I quickly snatched another book at random out of the pile, yet again opening it up to a random page.

“Lying lips are abomination to the Lord: but they that deal truly are his delight.”

I sighed and pinched the bridge of my nose. “You know,” I said to the empty air around me, “If you do everything right, people won’t be sure if you’ve done anything at all.” I lifted my head and glared at the flourescent light embedded in the ceiling of my trailer. “I think someone upstairs screwed up.”

My attention was drawn to the door as three quick knocks broke the odd silence of the trailer. “Chris? Dinner is ready,” Fluttershy said, barely loud enough to hear from the inside.

“Yeah! Well be out in a second!” I shouted back. “Elly you ready?” I asked my redheaded companion who had become instantly engrossed in the book I had handed her earlier that day. Curious at what I had given her, I took a look at the cover and groaned as I realised I had handed her a romance novel. Eleison looked up at me and smiled. It was probably my imagination, but somehow I thought that that look had a lot more mischief in it than normal.


The three of us, Eleison, Fluttershy, and myself, were seated around Fluttershy’s almost comically small dining room table. We ate in almost total silence, the atmosphere awkward from the things said earlier that evening. I speared another few leaves of lettuce with a knife Fluttershy had provided for me, it was the closest thing she had to silverware. Across the table, Eleison was eating with gusto. I guess she was hungrier than I had thought. The silence started to eat away at me; I was itching to start some kind of conversation.

“So, um, Chris...” Fluttershy started, fishing for the start of some kind of topic to break the silence; she was as uncomfortable with as I was. I started to feel really uncomfortable about something, I wasn't entirely sure what and I wracked my brain trying to figure out why this simple dinner had become a marathon of chafing nerves.

“Chris?... Hello? Chris, are you okay?” I heard Fluttershy calling me from across the table.

“It’s John, actually,” I mumbled surprising myself as much as I surprised Fluttershy.

“Um, Chris what-?” Fluttershy started.

“My name, my real name is John... I lied earlier.” I looked over to where she was sitting to see the shocked look on her face. Oddly, when I looked over to Eleison she just smiled at me like she had known all along. I raised an eyebrow at that but Fluttershy pulled my attention back towards her when she spoke up.

“W-why did y-you lie?” Fluttershy stuttered.

“I was afraid,” I said, resting my elbows on the table and steepling my fingers. “Back where I'm from magic isn't real, it’s all just stories.” I chuckled a little to myself. “A lot of the stories say that magic users are evil, that they traffic with demons to gain their unnatural powers. Those stories also say that if a magic user knows your real name they have power over you.” I looked at her again and snorted with a bitter laugh at her shocked face. “I was afraid you colorful little ponies would turn out to be monsters or demons in disguise or something, didn’t really feel like taking any chances.”

“Why are you telling me this?” Fluttershy squeaked, a little bit of fear mixed with a healthy dose of sadness easy to hear in her voice.

I shrugged, “Because it’s not right to lie to your friends... and maybe a little birdy told me not to. Kind of a mixture of those.”

Fluttershy blinked once. “You can talk to animals?”

“Uhm... well no. That’s an old expression from back home. It means someone slapped me over the head with it until I finally understood.” I let out an awkward chuckle. “You probably wouldn’t believe me if I told you.”


“And she agreed to this?” The ghostly blue visage of Runic Nexus, a well groomed Canterlot unicorn, floated above an amulet made out of an intricately carved gemstone formed around a miniscule piece of platinum, smaller than a grain of sand.

“Yes, Guildmaster. She was more interested in gaining the credit for the discoveries being made here than the monetary gains we offered,” Bunsen burner spoke into the eerie glow.

“Excellent. I want you to keep an eye on her and notify me if you believe her ambitions have grown to include the monetary sector.” The Guildmaster looked down at his prostrated subordinate. “When do the shipments begin? Have you already thought of a way for us to distinguish the carts from the normal traffic?”

“Yes, Guildmaster. The carts have been marked by a small scratch on the right side, made to resemble a bird. You can expect the shipments to begin within the month.”

The projection made a face. “I need something more concise than ‘within the month’ Ms. Burner. I can’t afford to spend the resources necessary for surveying the cargo coming through the University for an entire month.”

Bunsen Burner frowned. “The schedules have been placed under heavy guard and I do not have access to them as of yet.”

The ghostly face of the stallion scowled at Bunsen for a moment before looking away, lost in thought. “Hmm... See if you can convince our new ‘ally’ to part with the schedules. It is important we are able to recover as much platinum as possible, our window of opportunity will close very quickly.”

“It will be done, Guildmaster,” Bunsen Burner replied, not daring to look up.

“See that you get it done, Ms. Burner. I don’t need to tell you that a failure here may very well cost you your position within the Guild.” The ghostly image vanished into the gem, leaving the alleyway dark and silent once more.

Bunsen Burner adjusted her glasses and scooped up the amulet before tucking it into her saddlebags. She crept to the end of the alley she had hidden in and checked for guards on patrol. Once she was certain there was nopony around who would see her she darted back towards the prison where the research camp had been set up. “I need to find Professor Beaker.” She mumbled quietly to herself as she made her way back.

Author’s Note: Well yeah, I can sense the controversy coming from a mile away at John willingly giving the Equestrians the Platinum. Its a small change, but I felt it was prudent.
Also hooray for getting to deal with whiney Co-Authors.

Co-Author’s Note: I’m sleeeeeepy. I have college starting in a month, dammit. I shouldn’t be up this late! And you don’t get to complain sir. Not when I came up with two of the three pivotal moments in the chapter. So nyeh!

Author’s Note: Ugh! Co-Authors one minute you encourage them to do some writing on their own and the next they are demanding dolphin safe donuts! Where did I go wrong!?

Co-Author’s Note: I’m not demanding any donuts. I don’t know where you’re going with that. I just want decent work hours. Actually, y’know what? Forget this, I’m calling the Unions.