This is Sun & Moon, the story of the two alicorns around whom Equestria's history is indelibly wrapped. And this is its first chapter, a story of the search for hope in darkness, and the lengths a pony would go in order to find it.
Equestria's history is a multicoloured and complex tapestry, speckled with the works of the great ponies of its past. But there is one dominant colour, visible everywhere, and that is the contribution of the two ponies who saw it all: Celestia and Luna.
A comprehensive understanding of Equestria is impossible without first knowing their whole story: from its start, in the middle of Discord's Chaos, to its finish.
Celestia and Luna were born into a lawless world, just two alicorns trying desperately to survive. Little did they know the great destiny that fate had chosen for them. On the road to that destiny, they will discover everything that lay underneath the Equestria of old, and set the stage for all that came after.
Illustrations by Doctor Tastybeaver
You, sir...are amazing.
Okay, we're back!
I hope to recommence weekly uploads over the course of this next little while. Of course, that may have to change for times like exams and such, but it feels great to be publishing again! I feel like the retooled version is many times better than the original, but please feel free to tell me if I'm wrong about that!
Sincerely,
cursedchords
This review is brought to you on behalf of the group: Authors Helping Authors
Name of Story: Legends of Equestria Act I: Ascending Star
Note: Have only read up to the 3rd chapter as the first one is more on an introduction. Unfortunately I haven't had much time to do anything pony related, so since I couldn't find time to read more I had to write this review now. Sorry for having you wait.
Grammar score out of 10: 10. Found everything well written so far.
Pros:
-> Celeste and Claire's personalities are well fleshed out from the beggining. The aspiration to become something bigger than they are gives a off a good vibe, as an epic story of how simpletons become powerful.
-> The environment description blends well with the narrative. I can easily picture what you have painted with words in my head.
-> Every single chapter leaves wanting for more. While not ending in a sudden cliffhanger, the chapters' endings demand continuity, enticing the reader to continue.
Cons:
-> The chess picture at the beggining feels out of place. Not only it has an error underlining in some pieces, it feels too unnecessary for just a single paragraph describing it.
-> Claire's worrying for her fellow ponies seems to not apply in certain situations. While she gets bothered when a colt buys them drinks, she doesn't seem to hesitate in the apple game (except for the kid, of course, this could also mean she is flawed in that aspect).
-> Discord seems to be depicted as someone as evil as Sombra, although this might be explained later on (if his personality changes to a goofy one with time, or any other reason).
Notes Section
So far it is wonderful, I can tell you are a talented writer and will be reading the rest as time becomes available.
Enjoy your review! Thank you for reviewing my fic Cosmic Dust. Happy writing!
Just read the first three chapters, including prologue. When it comes to grammar and description, it's superb. You've shown that you can eloquently portray a scene and the characters actions. So far from what I've read, I like the way you've developed Celeste and Claire's character, especially in their dialogue. Dialogue sounds "natural" if that makes any sense. It's doesn't sound awkward, and I can totally imagine them saying those things.
However, there are instances where you can lose the readers' interest. It feels like there isn't much happening with the characters in the first few chapters (excluding prologue). In the "shell game" scene, there's isn't much action, despite what's going on. One moment, they're leading a sucker into the game, and the next moment, they've got a crowd, followed by the end of their operation. A large portion of that scene was explaining how the whole thing worked, rather than being in the scene. Also, you probably don't need a picture of the chess game nor go that into detail with it (e.g. "White Queen onto h7"); I think describing their situation in the game is sufficient.
While you do an excellent job with description, there are instances where you go into a long explanation of what's happening and the reason behind. Since this story is being narrated in third-person, in which the reader doesn't know exactly what each character is thinking, I suggest adding more dialogue to keep it entertaining. It's great that you can use words to paint a scene as if you're really there, but without character interaction, it's just a painting.
One last thing, I really like the names, Celeste and Claire. They sound really nice.
This review brought to you by: Authors Helping Authors
(yes, I am aware that I am very, very late in doing this. Sorry, I haven't had much time.)
Name of Story: Legends of Equestria Act I: Ascending Star
Grammar Score: 10/10
Pros:
- Characterization of the original characters is well done
- Worldbuilding is very in-depth, and shines out in the story
- You are an excellent descriptive and narrative writer.
Cons:
- As stated by others, the biggest problem with this story is the sheer amount of explanation. As other commentators have already tackled the issues of description vs action and dialogue and show vs tell, I will focus instead on a different aspect: You are very, very wordy, in a way that reminds me a little of Ayn Rand. Take this paragraph, for instance:
This can be cut down to "It was easy for the sisters to stand out in a crowd, for they were alicorns. Alicorns hadn't always been so rare, and could be born of any mixed-race marriage, but these days the pony races didn't intermarry much."
This encyclopedic/textbook style of writing, which should be avoided at all costs in a story such as this, is only one problem. Your descriptive sequences are excessively wordy as well. Take this paragraph:
AFAIK, not one bit of this becomes important later. Occasional passages like this are interesting bits of worldbuilding, but you have them everywhere. Clamp down on your description, and keep it to what is strictly important.
Another thing is that you don't have to explain every little thought that goes through Celeste's head. A paragraph like this:
can do without the entire second sentence. The dialogue alone is enough to suggest why Celeste is asking that question.
I'll consider those three different types of excess description to be my three cons. Wordiness is by far the biggest problem this story has, to the point where it's rather hard to see any others it might have through it.
Thanks for reviewing my story Fragment!
Meh it was just another "Celestia basher" that literary removed the magic and charm out the show
boring
Yipe, what a note on which to go to hiatus! I can only assume that the resistance haven't quite reached the point in the prophecy they think they have, and that they're trying to fit a square peg into a round hole.
This is an epic story you're laying out, even if most of it has been setup so far. As others have noted, the descriptions are amazing, though it helps that I've had Tangerine Dream's "Loved By the Sun" going through my head all day, and it meshes wonderfully with both Aqua's valley and the Citadel. (And speaking of Aqua and descriptions, I can't help wondering if she's on a distant branch of the same family tree as a certain generous fashionista.) The expanded history between the Masters is an interesting angle, as well.
...That said, I kind of wish you had the original Act I still lying around somewhere for posterity. I actually read it and Act II quite a while ago, but even if they're not (as you put it) the most complete expressions of your ideas, they're a decent story in their own right, especially considering that this current iteration of the story will be eliminated as well (if I read your blog correctly).
It lives!
I am now imagining Celestia or Luna forcing the nobles to participate in guard duty.
ECC?
Heh, things are getting ever more complicated.
Wow... Seraph may have been speaking out of anger, but Terraria really is kind of an awful pony.
Now I wonder who Seraph and Aqua's father was....
Man, Seraph has a quick temper for somepony trying to win over an ally.
Now that was intense!
You have my attention...
Huh... So this takes place during Discord's reign...
Hmmm...
And at long last, things can settle down for a while. Here's hoping Celestia isn't too quick to forget her own words about tyranny....
Curious where the new alicorns see going to fit into things, but considering that Celestia and Luna were just born that way and it was just considered a normal-ish genetic quirk, I suppose it's not that big a deal.
And the Empire makes itself known once more....
And the first seeds of rebellion are sown...
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So, you may have seen one of my other stories right now, What Society Expects from a Princess, which has been getting reasonably recent updates. That one is currently my major concern, since I had promised its fans that I would finish it once I had finished Act I. Progress has been a bit slow, but still reasonably steady, and while I don't like to commit to deadlines, I'm really hoping to have the story finished by the end of the year, and preferably sooner. When that happens, I'll turn my full attention to Act II.
I have been giving Act II some thought in the meantime as well, taking care of some of the details in building its world whenever a particularly good idea strikes me. It will of course be a giant project just like Act I was, so even once I start really working on it, the first update might not come for a while.
Thanks for your interest, and thanks for the follow. Have yourself a great day!
May Celestia's light shine on your path,
cursedchords
I'm a bit confused about something.
So I found the Tv Tropes and it has a...not very flattering description of Celestia and her action are less than admirable.
Yet I come over here and I see that this fanfic is part of the Protect Celestia so there is a contradiction.
Mind if you clear things up a bit for me?
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Yeah, that's perhaps something that I could take a night or two to work on this month. I wrote that TvTropes article myself a number of years ago, and the story has changed drastically since then. For a number of reasons I swore off of TvTropes some time ago, and haven't touched it since then, so that would explain the contradiction.
Clearly it is serving some role as a source of potential readers, so I guess that I'll have to try to update it instead of just getting rid of it, but we'll see when I have time to do that. Thanks for pointing it out though.
well then
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say, did the names change since then?
1, cutting trees is a lumberjack's job
2, Seraph got one hell of an ego.
yes, but how about the Rulers Four?
das pretty cool.
>Unicorn magic
yes
>Pegasus magic
yyeeessss
>.....
>Graduation
You have raised my hopes and dashed them quite spectacularly. Where's me wee earth pones?
Bouncy bouncy
>None can escape the call of fate
kicks door
i beg to differ.
ok, so its a bit overly flowery, but the story ain't bad. Where is everyone?
woah woah woah, wait a minute. What did Aqua and Atlas do that was so bloody amazing, that to stand by them, you had to move the freaking Sun and Moon?
Ha, eat shit rule of three.
Damn those breath stealing ghostn.
Irony is Ignoring how Seraph also brooded and did nothing for 20 years but wait for his "hero". Admittedly, he was a bitt closer and built more weapons.
Ha, don't worry about Seraph, really? He spent two decades working to take down one ruler, how did you stop him from trying again?
Also, dangit, this is why Earth Pones get bullied, all of those who could have been heroes turned out evil.
This is really well done. I'm suprised you d ok not have more thumbs..
You can has review!