Swedish guy with too much imagination. Draws comics as a hobby and writes as a diversion.
[One-shot]
"Heh, in the tracks I play, the breakdown is supposed to be the good part. Most ponies love a good beat, but they are all waiting for the drop. However, now that I've arrived at the breakdown of my own song, I'm not sure I'm quite ready for it..."
Based on “Morning...” by Lucefudu. Art by DerpyDooReviews.
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So, what’s the deal with this story, Owlor?
Well, my friend Lucefudu had this thing for a while he called Musical Shorts, where he’d take a song and write a on-shot based on it. Using something approaching logic, I figured that what do DJs do with songs? They remix them. So it felt natural that I should do a remix of a musical short starring Vinyl Scratch.
It should also be noted that the themes I inserted in this that go beyond those in the original fic is actually much less dramatic than the story make them out to be. I've been thinking a lot about the impermanence of fandom. I just rediscovered my old haunt only to find that most people have moved on to greener pastures, by which I man ponies.
And it’s no secret that by the time season 3 is over, most of the bronies will be out of here, having moved on to the next nerd obsession.
Russian animation maybe? Or maybe they’ll revive the Care Bears or something. Maybe my failed attempts at creating the barnyardpunk subgenre of science fiction will be noticed and everyone will start wearing cowboy hats and goggles. I dunno what it is that bothers me about it, it's just weird that something can mean so much for so many people and then suddenly it doesn't matter anymore.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Before I even decide to read it, here's why I won't read it:
That's why I'm not going to read it.
1632947
Well, I would apprechiate if you would care to elaborate, did I make some grammatical error? Is the line ungodly cheesy? If it's the latter one... no shit, it's MY prose we're talking bout, that's just how I roll.
1632980
Let's see. A better way to explain it...Well, first, I'll say that if you can't understand graphic english, then this might not work.
The trifles and worries of someone about something small is no big, something big, no big deal. Eventually we get over a fear. Well, on here, you have explained that she's unconfident, and when she says she's not ready, it's like screaming: cheesy bullshit here.
The utmost important part of this would obviously be the description. If the description explains something like unconfidential thoughts of someone who can't think straight, it's more like saying that a child ahs stepped onto the writer's field.
That was easier than I expected.
Enjoy:
1633025
Graphic as in explicit?
Never once have I ever been able to fully understand what the hell you're talking about in your comments.
Every one just almost make sense, but it's way to vauge and rambling for me to get any sort of value out of it.
What I think you're trying to say is that you don't enjoy the mental state I seem to be exploring in this story, that you think that it's basically making a lot of fuzz over something she'll just get over?
Well, that's ONE line from the story, and stories are pretty much by definition about motion, about the character getting from A to B over an obstacle, be it mental or physical. Of course, how much motion that is in the long run is a different question...
1633025 I can't tell what you're trying to say. I liked that description a lot. The only problem is that the word "breakdown" is misleading. She's having a crisis, and she doesn't know whether it's a break or the beginning of a fade-out. It's not a breakdown, which is energetic and exciting.
The story is for the most part outstanding. It has two glaring problems: Grammar, and the sudden ending (or, really, lack of an ending).
The grammar+technical problems would be easy to fix. The worst is a word-choice problem: Owlor repeatedly uses "pithy" instead of "pity". There are some where/were, missing apostrophes, a backwards quote mark with the space on the wrong side, and more. I'm just getting started with the grammatical errors. There are a lot of them.
This sentence could be beautiful if it were broken into 2 or 3 sentences, or otherwise made easier to comprehend: "Inching closer to the sterile corporate park that made up lynchpin of the business district, she saw a trail of low-mounted gas lamps that lined a bridge that separated a small stream of dark water from the fountain that was its source and reached out around it, following the paths to trace a snowflake-like pattern."
In her internal monologue, "she thought of herself replying", "Then came an echo:", and the font color change, are unneeded and awkward.
But the story itself, technicalities aside, is very good. EqD might hate it, because the pre-readers hate internal monologue. They interpret "show, don't tell" too literally. But the details of her morning, her cold selfishness, the use of the bachelor's failure at life as a "ghost of the future" warning her about her own life--it's all wonderful.
Then it ends suddenly in the last paragraph. You can't even tell whether that's a true ending or just what she's thinking. It's a likely outcome, but even if that is her future, it deflates the story to tell us "Yes, this is what happens, the end." IMHO it would be much better to end it with " it was still enough to force her to push herself up from the park bench and stagger off for home."
1633556
A little misleading, yeah. The line fits a little better at its place in the story than as a description of the story, I guess.
.
Yeah, that one ran away from me.
I wanted a way to mark that the repetition in sentence structure was intentional, and overall give a bit of an eerie feel to that part, something that doesn't really come from herself. Like "hearing voices", tough in the way even non-schizophrenics can hear voices, if that makes sense. But you're right, there might've been a much better way to do it.
That was pretty much the intention, this is one of the stories I wrote on while editing "Sky Matron" and I was getting QUITE tired of EqD-proofing my story.
I've never been able to end these stories properly.
I'm slowly learning to write a better ending, but it's still one of my weak points. I chose that ending in order to bookend it with my first line, which starts ten year in the past and decelerates into the immediate past (my first idea was to write it all in present tense, but that just sounded wonky). So the last line accelerates into ten years into the future.
To me, that was pretty much the point of the story, perhaps even more so than everything before it, to break away from the moment and show just how little it all mattered in the end. It's WAAAY more cynical than I usually am in my stories, I'll grant you that tough.
But a big thank you for pointing out the problem with grammar and word choice.
I'll definently go back and fix it when I'm not on the road. Your comments have been VERY useful when it comes to finding ways to polish the story up.
1633556