Just in Time
Rainbow Dash dove down through the air, slicing through the few clouds that remained in the sky. Flipping around, she corkscrewed towards the ground and kicked a small batch of fluffy clouds and broke it to pieces. Smirking, she continued her descent further out of the air to the grassy plain beneath her position.
Soaring through the air always brought a rush of adrenaline to Rainbow's blood. The experience of having the wind whip through her fur caused a chilling but relieving feeling to move across her skin underneath her coat. She grinned as she banked back upward into the sky and charged the last batch of clouds. Performing a front flip, she smacked the clump with her tail and broke it into several pieces. Before they could scatter, she bucked outwards and broke each part.
smiling to herself, she enjoyed the clear sky as it glowed a bright orange from the setting sun. The flight back to Ponyville was only a minute thanks to her speed, and she had promised to head over to Sugarcube Corner to meet up with Pinkie for a night at the club. She did stop when she noticed the sun hadn't moved for the last several minutes. "Huh, that's weird. Princess Celestia stopped moving the sun. Hmm, maybe she had to go the bathroom or something."
Passing over several buildings, she stopped flying when she came across the library. A cold feeling crept up inside of Dash's chest as she stared at the tall oak tree. While she knew some of the strange new emotions were from seeing the odd change in Twilight and her own suspicions, but most of the negative feelings were from her own regret.
Landing down onto the ground, she tucked her wings to her side and stared up to the door at the entrance to the library. One of her best friends was going through something horrible and needed help. Instead of giving that, however, she had pushed Twilight away and acted like her friend was the enemy. She was supposed to represent loyalty, but she didn't even take the decency to help out someone so close to her in a desperate time. Instead, she had pretty much acted like Twilight was a freak.
Ears flat against her head, she slowly trotted her way over to Sugarcube Corner and walked through the front door. Inside, she saw Pinkie Pie mopping up the floors as the last customer made their way out of the door.
Looking up, Pinkie cast a large smile at her arriving friend. "Hey Dashie, you made it!" Her bright face faded when she saw the down look of Rainbow. "Hey, what's wrong?"
Rainbow turned her gaze away and trotted over to one of the tables to the side. "Don't worry Pinkie, I was just thinking of something."
"Twilight?"
Plopping down into the seat, Rainbow lowered chin onto the table. "Yeah, What gave it away?" She sarcastically responded.
Pinkie set her mop onto its side and made her way over to her sulking friend. Placing a hoof on Rainbows shoulder, she gave a warm nuzzle to her cheek. "Don't worry Dash. The princess will help Twilight out. She will be all better."
"That's not the problem, Pinkie. The problem is what I did."
Pinkie lifted an eyebrow out of confusion to that comment. "What do you mean what you did? You didn't do anything to make her upset."
"That is the problem. I did nothing!" Rainbow yelled out as she sat up, "Twilight is really upset and going through something very odd, maybe even bad. Who knows. I don't know right now because I didn't even ask her. I didn't see if she needed help with anything; maybe helping in her library, trying to figure out what she wants, or even if she just wanted a friend to talk to about her thoughts. But no, I had to be an idiot and not ask."
Leaning over, Pinkie tried to calm her friend. "Don't say that, Dashie. It isn't your fault. None of us went to ask if Twilight needed help because we felt like she wanted nopony to disturb her."
“Exactly, we thought. We didn't know. I am supposed to be loyalty, yet I don't even take the time to fly over to the library and just knock on the door. I had to act like she didn't need our help, so I tried to ignore her. I..." Rainbow shut her eyes tight as a tear began to drip down her cheek, "I acted like she was a freak. I should have tried to make her feel better, but that's all I did. Acted like she was a freak."
Pinkies heart melted seeing Rainbow cry.. Wrapping her foreleg over the Pegasus's shoulder, she pulled her into a hug to comfort her. "Oh Rainbow, don't do this to yourself. You are just a little confused. This is just a crazy time for us right now. Everything will be fine."
Smiling, Rainbow wiped her cheek dry and hugged her pink friend back. "Thanks Pinkie. That makes me feel better."
"Yup! Now, how about we enjoy a cupcake now and- woah!" Pinkie Pie suddenly started vibrating erratically, her body bouncing up and down off the ground. "My Pinkie sense!"
Rainbow hopped down from her seat when she heard that. She watched as Pinkie vibrated like crazy, scooting across the ground. She realized it was the doozie sense, just like Pinkie had demonstrated earlier. "What is it? Is it a doozie?"
"Wooooh! Yeah. It's a big doozie!" Pinkie answered between shakes. "This is bigger than any before!"
"Well, what is it?"
"I dunno! All I can tell is that it is in Canterlot."
Rainbow sat quietly as Pinkie continued to shake, contemplating what could cause that sense to be triggered. she thought about what could be the problem, and she only hoped whatever it was, Twilight wouldn't be caught up in it.
---
Celestia watched in horror as Twilight's body began to change right before her eyes. Her fur coat continued to fade from its magenta color to a pale tone. Her mane and tail continued to smoke at the ends, until the hair itself began to smolder and spark into small, flickering flames. Even her horn was starting to physically change, becoming longer and much broader from the base until it was nearly double the width from before.
Celestia felt her body trembling as heat radiating out from Twilight began to expand away from her body and cover the entire room. Watching her beloved student turning into the monster of her past, horrible memories began to inside of the princesses head. 'How could this be happening again? Why does it have to be Twilight?' She whispered in her head.
Forcing herself to her hooves, Twilight began to physically push her body off the ground despite the restriction spell holding her down. Growling out of frustration, she glared up to the princess above, her red eyes filled with anger. "I said to let me go."
Exerting more energy, Twilight was now standing up off the ground now, her legs holding steady against the yellow magic around her. The red aura continued to pulse out from her body, whipping up all the broken pieces of flooring around her. As she started to inhale deeper than before, small patches of fire began exiting her mouth with each exhale.
Feeling Twilight beginning to overcome her spell, Celestia increased the amount of energy she put into it. The light radiating from her golden aura grew much brighter than before, forcing Twilight back to her belly. The unicorn snarled in anger and attempted to focus her own magic from her horn. The now white horn on her forehead started shooting our bright sparks at the tip, pushing away the golden magic that had been restricting its flow before.
Panicking, Celestia began forming large bolts of electricity and blasted them into her magical cage in an attempt to stop her. Twilight screamed out in anger and pain as the high level of voltage coarser through her body. However, she still continued to try and fight her way up.
"I warned you princess..." The burning unicorn growled, "now I will make you get out of my way."
"Twilight, calm down!" Celestia pleaded, "I know you don't want to do this. Try to-
“Who says I didn't want this to happen?" Twilight responded through the lightning, her voice growing deeper, "this power is giving me the ability to challenge your own magic."
The aura pulsing out from Twilight suddenly shifted from red waves into a thick wall of embers.
Eyes wide, Celestia stopped her attack and formed a shield around herself, reflecting the burning flames away from her. The scorching pieces rushed out and set several sections of carpet aflame. Using some of her magic, Celestia extinguished the small fires to keep them from spreading any further. Turning back, she saw a swirling ball of fire around where Twilight was.
As the flames disappeared, Twilight's body was nearly completely white now. The end of her mane and tail flickered in bright flames as they slowly began crawling up the length of her hair. 'No, she is almost fully changed...' Celestia whispered inside her head. 'I have to stop her before it is complete.'
Celestia focused her own aura into a bright ball on the tip of her horn. Looking up, Twilight grinned as she watched the princess prepare her technique. "Are you willing to strike me down? Your own student?"
Gritting her teeth, Celestia pointed her horn down at Twilight as she continued to hold her in place. Shooting her ball of magic, she aimed it at her students head. At the last minute however, she stopped her attack and held it in place just inches from Twilight's muzzle. The sun goddess held her killing blow back once again.
Even in this desperate moment, Celestia could not strike down the one she had grown so close to over these years. Their bond was-
BOOM!
A large blue sphere blasted Twilight in her side and launched her across the room, ripping her free of Celestia's grasp. Slamming into the wall, Twilight attempted to thrash about until the ball on her side suddenly burst out. Shifting into thick tendrils, the dark toned magic rushed out and wrapped around all of the unicorns limbs and neck, restricting her movement.
Bright blue bolts of electricity burst out of the magic around Twilight, enveloping her in a bright array of sparks. Screaming out, she tried to move her body, but the overload of voltage was locking all of her muscles in place and taking a toll on her mind. The surge in her veins suddenly increased another level, overpowering every sense in her body until she completely blacked out.
Celestia watched in shock as Twilight slumped down to the ground, the magic holding her dissipating. Her mane and tail reverted back to normal hair as it fell down. Her coat began shifting from white back to its magenta tone. "What was that?" Celestia asked out loud. Turning her head, she saw standing by the side door somepony she did not expect.
"Luna?"
The blue alicorn's horn sparkled brightly until dissipating as she lifted her head up. Luna's gaze was as hard as stone as she stared at the now unconscious form of Twilight on the scorched ground. The dark toned princess of the night walked forward and inspected Twilight before turning to her sister, eyes filled with anger and confusion. "You have some explaining to do, Tia."
---
Deep inside the rear section of the castle, a small hallway led to the restricted section of the palace. Only vice captain level officers and above were allowed passage into this region. Standing at attention to the large wood door at the end of the were eight unicorn guards in formation to the front, four solar guards and four lunar ponies. The reason for both usually opposing soldiers was because who was inside.
Through the door, the atmosphere in the very air changed from welcoming to repulsive. The smell of old moss and dust filled the air and blocked out any other odor. Instead of brightly lit windows and colorful hues throughout, the new caste section was constructed of solid rock all throughout. Several cell blocks lined the wall on the left, thick steel bars blocking off exit for any pony thrown inside of them.
Luna stared down at the unconscious form of Twilight on the other side of the bars of the middle cell. The unicorn laid sprawled across the stone floor, several thick cuffs wrapped around her ankles leading to multiple chains connected to the walls of her cage. She knew in her head that if she hasn't shown up, things would have been much worse.
She had been getting prepared for the night in her bedroom earlier that evening when she felt the powerful magic surges. Running as fast as she could, she followed the power she sensed before finding the unconscious guards in one of the palace halls. Shaking one awake, she was told to her own shock that it was Twilight that had done this to them. That next moment, she felt another magic surge coming from the nearby section of the castle.
Coming through the side doors, she watched as Twilight's body began to suddenly change into something that she had believed to be long out of her life. Reacting on instinct, she used one of her high level restricting spells to take hold of the burning unicorn when she saw her sister stop her own attempt.
Once they finally subdued her, the two alicorns took her into the dungeons in the castle to make sure she was quarantined and could not escape again. Even though many of the guards were still confused on what was going on, they dared not question the orders of the princess and helped them take the unconscious unicorn with them to where they were told to go.
After hearing the explanation from her older sister, Luna was in a state of confusion and somewhat panic. After years of peace, she had come to believe the prophecy was not going to happen. Now, however, she could tell that what she believed to be long gone was the inevitable. While she herself was so young, she still remembered the fires burning through the land. The destruction of so many peaceful villages and innocent lives by a pony identical to the form Twilight was in.
"Sister, what should we do now?" She asked out loud. Not hearing a response, she turned to her right to see a troubling scene. "Tia?"
Celestia was pacing back and forth in the hallway, her mane whipping back and forth as she turned. Her eyes were bloodshot and she continued to babble to herself. "How could this have not have been foreseen? I didn't ever once sense the signs that Twilight would be the one."
Luna turned her gaze back to the unconscious unicorn in the cell block. "Perhaps the answers were right in front of you the whole time."
Stopping her pacing, Celestia looked in confusion to the statement."Wh-what? What do you mean?"
"Twilight is perhaps the most talented unicorn alive now. Her powers and abilities far surpass all others that we know of. And..." Luna turned and stared her sister in the eyes, "she is your student. Perhaps she was chosen for this reason as well."
Celestia glared at Luna after that comment. "What are you trying to say? That Twilight is the one because of me?"
"You were told that when he would return, he would make sure that you suffered. Not only that, but your love for Twilight blinded what you could have seen to give away any small chance at what she could have been. It is just like how all those years ago your love for-
"Don't you dare try to compare those Luna!" Celestia snapped out as she stepped forward. "I had no idea about what had happened or what was going on with her until just today.
And speaking of not sensing the signs, what in Equestria is wrong with you!?"
Luna was taken aback by that. "What are you talking about now? You are saying I knew about this?"
"You are the guardian of the night and are supposed to help ponies relieve themselves of the nightmares that plague their dreams. Twilight says she was having these nightmares for months now. Why have you not done anything or told me about these?"
Returning her glare, Luna stepped up and faced her sister. "You think that I would try to hide something like this? What kind of reasoning would I have to do that? I had no idea that that was happening to her."
“What are you talking about?" Celestia questioned, "how could you not enter these nightmares? Ones this powerful you must have easily sensed."
"That is what I am telling you. I didn't sense any nightmares coming from Twilight."
"What!?" Celestia yelled, "How is that possible? You are supposed to telepathically receive any nightmare from any pony."
"And I am telling you I did not feel any disturbances from her. The only way for dreams not to come to me is if they are being blocked by a extremely powerful source. And don't you try blaming me for this..." Luna shouted back, "Don't change the subject away from what I told you. You were too caring and loving for Twilight that perhaps you missed the signs warning us of this."
"What are you trying to get at? That I could have prevented it from ever happening?"
"I do know that you could have stopped it earlier but you didn't." Luna sneered.
"What are you talking about?" Celestia replied, now with a small hint of caution.
"I saw you hesitate to strike Twilight down back in the entrance to the castle. Also by what you told me, you hesitated before she even began to awaken her powers. You chose that, but did not hesitate to send me to the moon for a thousand years."
Celestia went to reply, but found her mind struggling to answer before Luna continued. "In times of true desperation, one must make powerful sacrifices to do what is necessary for the benefit of the land. Sending me to the moon was harsh, but I understand your reasoning for it because you knew that I could be saved. This however is far worse. Knowing now that Twilight is the one destined for Crimson's fate, you should have killed her the second you found out."
"That was not the case was it?" Luna glared at her sister, who in turn had flipped her body around to not meet eyes. "You love her so much that you fail to do what is necessary for our land. It is just what happened with him all those years ago."
That last statement made something snap inside Celestia's mind. Turning back around, she glared back at her sister, yet her anger was hidden partially by the tears that fell from her eyes. "How dare you try and use that against me!? You know damn well that what happened back then, I was not at fault for."
"Oh really?" Luna shouted back, "Just like Twilight, you failed to strike down Crimson when you had the chance, and could have ended everything right then. Instead however, you couldn't bring yourself to do it due to what you felt. Because of that, he was able to grow too strong for even you to handle and nearly destroyed everything and everyone."
"You allow yourself to not fulfill something that will save Equestria because you let emotion block your objective." Luna trotted right up to Celestia until their muzzles were nearly touching. "How about you tell the citizens of Canterlot what happened back then and let them choose for themselves who was to blame?"
With the emotions building up inside of her, Celestia clenched her eyes tight as more tears fell down. instinctively, she charged her horn until it was sparking up from energy. "Stop it now Luna, or I will make you stop." Teeth bared, Celestia pointed her horn at the blue alicorn in front of her.
Seeing the display only made Luna roll her eyes and turn her back to her sister. "Are you angry at me now sister? Are you going to strike me down? I know that won't happen even if what I speak is the truth. You can't even bring yourself to strike Twilight a finishing blow when she is the one we have feared all these years, so I know you would never attack your own sister who is looking for what is best in our world."
Hearing something flop to the ground, Luna turned around to see Celestia laying on the floor, her eyes stained with salty tears now as she sobbed into her hooves. All regal composure that the white alicorn kept as a princess was completely ignored at this moment of pain and torment for herself. All the memories of past and present were rushing through her thoughts, reminding her of everything she had experienced.
While acting as if she didn't care, Luna was in fact suffering as well. Seeing her sister having to relive the horror of this was eating away at her own heart. Saying everything she had said was perhaps the hardest for her to do, but she knew she had to do it. If Celestia was not willing to do what was necessary, she would have to push her until she did the right thing.
"Luna..."
Hearing her name, Luna turned back to her sister on the ground. "What is it?"
Celestia crawled off the floor to her hooves and pushed herself up. Wiping away the tears from her eyes, she looked to her younger sibling. "I know that you may think that I love Twilight too much to do what is right, and... you may be right.” She turned her gaze over to the sleeping form of her student. “That is why I need your help.”
Luna tilted her head in confusion to that. “Are you... asking me to kill her for you?”
“No...” Celestia responded, “I know it sounds insane, but I believe we can save Twilight.”
“How?”
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you had my attention now you have everything i'm throwing my money at the screen why is the next chapter not out yet :p
I love this story!
i3.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/original/000/290/023/36e.jpg
Actually, having Luna kill Twilight seems like the smart move. But then there would be no story.
oooh...nice!
i.imgur.com/jSttMUS.jpg
About time she showed up...
2200191 I am dying here after reading that lol
Alduin in pony form........seems legit
Ok things just got way more interesting.
One very tiny thing and I am just mentioning this because of this awsome story but you have one small error. Begining of the 3rd paragraph you need to Capitalize the s. Thats all that I could catch, so besides that awsome job.
Kill off Twilight. That should be a twist. Then, make the original evil dude appear from the dead body of Twilight, (more of a twist) then, it captures pinkie and then they must defeat the evil fire-pinkie!
Nonononono. No. Don't you dare pull the 'Good allways wins' card with the 'We can save her' move. Just... Don't.
TWILIGHT! BURN THE WORLD! I HAVE POPCORN TO WATCH IT!
2203014
And then fire evil Pinkie go to everfree forest and copy herself in Mirror Pond, and Equestria is invaded by 50 Pinkies in flame, but instead of speaking " fun fun fun .... " they will speak " burn burn burn ...... ".
Poor Twilight, if Celestia had plan to save her, why she just not assured Twilight that she will help her when Twilight had control over her body, not after she try to kill her and break Twilight heart by betraying her.
I still fell Celestia deserve to be burned a bit for her stupidity, because or she should kill Twilight to put her out of her out of this painful fate, or she should not betray her in the first place, even if Twilight will be saved, her heart will be broken, she will never trust her mentor ever again, and she will ask again and again " if you knew a way to save me, why did you attacked me, why did you betray me, why did you break my heart, I loved you so much, I risked my live to fight your enemies, do you know how much it hurt when you are the one who try to kill me, I saved your sister from Nightmare Moon fate, I fought Discord for you, and when I was asking, when I was needing your help, you just betray me, you used my love for you to catch me off guard, why did you hurt me so muuuuch ... whyyyy ? "
2206249 It doesn't even need to be popcorn! You just hold corn in your hand and the flames will heat it enough! Thanks Twilight!
This is now one of my favorite stories!!
just PWEEEESE update a bit quicker?!
2206818
2206569 Which brings us back to my previous statement: BURN EVERYTHING, TWI!
2206249Ahmen my brother, also if you like the kind of story where Twilight wins (or at least is not redeemed in the eyes of the princess ecetera) then may I recommended you a story?
2211756
0-media-cdn.foolz.us/ffuuka/board/a/image/1334/86/1334861192528.jpg
2208229
Not everything, only those who betrayed her.
2212706 Shut it. They know nothing
2213483
Well, you learn who is your true friend in time of trouble, did Twilight or mane 6 said no or failed to save Equestria for Celestia, no, but Celestia who IT SEEMS had plan how to stop it without killing the host, did not even bother to start with not lethal way to help Twilight.
Twilight came to her asking for help, she need it more then ever and it was probably the only time Twilight asked her oh so godly mentor for a favour, and Celestia had hundreds of years to come up with a plan what she have right now, and instead of telling Twilight that everything will be aright, hat she have a plan to save her, and then ask politely do Twilight will be ready to sacrifice herself for Equestria and her friends if this plan fail, I am sure Twilight would be ready to die to not see her friends and mentor burn.
But Celestia started it by catching Twilight off guard, not even considering to help her before she found out that she was unable to kill her.
Even if Twilight somehow survive, she will never forgive Celestia, and that is why I think that those who betrayed Twilight deserve to be burn a little, Celestia with all her power can withstand it, and some burning marks would remind her of DO NOT BETRAY YOU FAITHFUL STUDENT.
2217060 I have taken your point into consideration, and therefore will say the following:
1) That's boring as hell. I was promised an evil Twi fic, and DARN IT I WILL HAVE ONE!
2) The thing where evil Twi is saved/redeemed/looses is annoyingly overused, and I expect this to NOT follow that path.
3) Muffins.
4) Your argument has a flaw. She may eventually consider that her friends and others have betrayed her. And by what the fic has revealed thus far, she CAN in fact kill Celestia.
5) Prophecies. Prophecies everywhere.
6) All of Twi's nightmare's are visions of what's to come.
2211756
I'm waiting on that story you where supposed to recommend!
for the love of fuck what the god! wait...
You want a dead twilight? I can get you a dead twilight. By noon, still with the blood if you want. Easy.
great chapter!
is twilight actually crimson reborn or is she simply of the same 'kind' with the events of her life guiding her down a similar path? kinda hard to see at this point.
(yes i changed it, so it's not a quote, but it looks better when i do it like that).
can you imagine the impact that would have on her friends? i wouldn't be surprised if RD killed herself in despair for abandoning her friend.
Well done moar plz
2323837 luckily a new chapter is nearing completion
2323996
Yay
1637358 ...dary!
Okay, to business...
This review is brought to you on behalf of the group: Authors Helping Authors
What Choice Do I Have?
Grammar score: 8/10
Pros: First, you do a great job getting into Twilight's thoughts and fears. In a story featuring such a dramatic transformation of character, this is vital. Next, I really like your Celestia. I found myself most captivated by the scene between her and Twilight (both the conversation and the subsequent fight). Seeing her fall apart because she feels like she is losing her student to this terrible force really tugs at the heart. And finally, your mythology is pretty great. Coming up with a good OC villain is no easy feat, but Crimson Flames feels like he could have been an antagonist from the show. He's much darker than anything the show offers, of course, but he has that same memorable quality that an antagonist like Nightmare Moon has.
Cons: I would have liked to see just a little bit more justification for Celestia's knee-jerk reaction to try to kill Twilight. Her first strike seemed like a pretty extreme thing to do so suddenly, considering how much she cares for Twilight. (I did like how she couldn't bring herself to kill her, though. That saved the scene for me.) That was the only thing that I really noticed as far as cons go. (There are some minor grammatical issues scattered here and there.)
Notes: Twilight goes to the dark side! She's my favorite pony, so I'm feeling for her right about now. And Celestia is my second favorite, so there was a lot for me to love in this story. I really liked the scene where they talk and then fight. You write action very well. Hmm... it seems like you've got some readers clamoring for Twilight to turn Equestria into cinder and ash. (I prefer bittersweet endings myself.) Well, either way you take this story it looks like I'm going to be sticking around to see what happens because this is awesome.
Enjoy your review! Please help me out by looking at my story, Celestia in Excelsis. Thank you.
And Pinkie get the first sense of shit going wrong. Expected really.
And a way to save her? Sounds too good to be true.
~Skeeter The Lurker
I really liked the argument with Celestia and Luna. That's one thing you don't see in the show: drawn out arguments that are also interesting.
Keep writing!
Okay, I knew I had a problem with this story since after the prologue, but I couldn't out my finger on it. Now that I've read this chapter, I know what it is.
It's very... mean-spirited. And I know that sounds fucking stupid seeing as how this isn't exactly supposed to be a happy-go-lucky story, but there are so many parts where it seems like a lot of these characters do some exceptionally douchey things. Rainbow Dash ignoring Twilight after it became clear Twilight had a problem would've been on here, but you seemed to have already addressed that part. No, I'm going to make my main examples out of the Princesses.
First of all, Twilight comes to Celestia in clear need of help, when suddenly she just fucking loses it when Twilight mentions Crimson Flames. I mean, yeah it's already been established that he's an unstoppable fire-chucking dickhole, and Celestia fears him. But that situation could've been handled a lot smarter and calmer. Not just "FUCK YOU TWILIGHT YOU ARE LITERALLY HITLER REBORN." It seems extremely out of character for Celestia to get so upset at Twilight when she doesn't even know what the hell is going on.
And then Celestia tries to kill Twilight. Given her jillion years of experience and intelligence, she's bound to know that she should do this quickly before Twilight even realizes what's happening. Maybe levitate a knife to her throat or— oh no, nevermind she's gonna use the flashy magic spell that knocks Twilight back, giving her plenty of time to defend herself. Not like she's a powerful unicorn possessed by an even more powerful Pony Satan, or anything.
And then Luna. Oh my god Luna. Maybe instead of insulting your sister who is clearly hurting, you could take two fucking seconds to comfort her so you can both figure out what you need to do? Every sentence I read she's just reprimanding and insulting Celestia. Again, it just feels so out of character for her. She is irredeemably rude in this scene, and I have no further need to see her in this if she's just gonna keep up the attitude.
TL;DR Princesses feel OOC to me.
As for actual tips on your writing and not just me being a whiny bitch, be sure to avoid onomatopoeia, consider using Italics instead of Caps, and it wouldn't hurt to italicize thoughts either.
That's a very good point, Luna.
Also, we go from Twilight about to go nuclear on Celestia to... Rainbow kicking clouds?
Awful