The Apprentice, the Student, and the Charlatan

by Rytex

2018 APRIL FOOLS SPECIAL: An Unforgettable Luncheon

Author's Note:

Steamed hams but it's a My Little Pony fanfic's April Fools special

The Apprentice, the Student, and the Charlatan
April Fools 2018 Special - An Unforgettable Luncheon

There was nothing about Ponyville that day to suggest anything out of the ordinary. No one new had come to town, so Pinkie Pie hadn’t thrown any “Welcome to Ponyville” parties, the weather had been cleared with uncharacteristic urgency by Rainbow Dash and the weather team, and even Nova Shine hadn’t had any reason to run screaming from the Poisoned Apple due to a late Arsenal goal.

Things had settled into a sort of quiet mundaneness, which hadn’t been seen since before Twilight Sparkle had moved to Ponyville. Most grateful for it were Fluttershy and the Flower Trio, but everyone had reason to be grateful.

Without world-ending disasters on the horizon, everyone could settle down and enjoy the simpler things.

Such as Nova Shine, who was knocking on the door to the library, feeling a mite irritated that Twilight had kicked him out of said library for a few hours and told him to go on a “scavenger hunt” of some kind.

...which had led him right back here.

The door opened rather quickly to reveal Twilight standing there, wearing an apron. At the sight of Nova there, she grinned.

“Well, Twilight, I made it, despite your directions,” he said a bit brusquely. None of this would have been a problem if he hadn’t been kicked out at 8 in the morning.

Why did their date have to be today? And why did they decide to move it to lunch?

“Ah, Night Apprentice Nova Shine, welcome!”

She stepped back to allow him entry.

“I hope you’re prepared for an unforgettable luncheon!” she chirped, gesturing to a table where two seats had been arranged across from each other with a few standard table dressings. The food wasn’t there yet, but it would be out soon.

“Mmh,” grunted Nova, taking a seat.

Twilight, however, stepped back into her kitchen to get their dinner that she had oh-so-carefully prepared for them and--

“Egads!” she shrieked, dashing over to the oven she had been using, which was just pouring smoke from it. Inside, the pot of roasting vegetables was issuing smoke at an alarming rate, which was fortunately being vented out a nearby window. “My roast is ruined!”

With an exasperated sigh, she slammed a hoof into her face. Why hadn’t Spike been keeping an eye on the oven like she had asked? He was going to be SO grounded for this!

But as her eyes followed the smoke, they fell on a Pony-Burger located just outside the library and a few yards away.

Wait a minute… she thought as a plan started to formulate in her head.

“What if…” she stroked her chin, “...I were to purchase fast food and disguise it as my own cooking?”

As she finished the sentence, she broke into a relieved grin.

“Delightfully devilish, Twilight.”

No sooner had the plan come together in her head than she had started to climb onto the windowsill.

But before she could climb out, the door to the kitchen opened, and Nova poked his head in. At the sight of her, his eyes narrowed.

♫Twilight with her crazy explanations,~
♫The Night Apprentice’s gonna need his medication,~
♫When he hears Twilight’s lame exaggerations,~
♫There’ll be trouble in town tonight!

“Twiliiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight!” exclaimed Nova, stepping fully into the kitchen.

“Night Apprentice! I was just, uhh…” an idea presented itself to her and she bent over to stretch her calf muscles. “...just stretching my calves on the windowsill! Isometric exercise,” she added, giving him a smile she hoped wasn’t too sheepish, “care to join me?”

“Why is there smoke coming out of your oven, Twilight?” Nova’s eyes narrowed.again.

“Uh… oh!” She was really on a roll today. “That isn’t smoke, it’s steam! Steam from the steamed maize we’re having for lunch today.” She rubbed a hoof over her belly. “Mm-mm, steamed maize!”

Nova continued to stare suspiciously at her, but shrugged and wandered back out to his seat. As he left, Twilight wiped her brow and hurried out the window before Nova could come back.

---

The kitchen door was pushed open, and out stepped Twilight, carrying a large silver tray complete with domed cover.

“Night Apprentice, I hope you’re ready for some mouthwatering hayburgers,” she announced, setting the tray down in the center of the table and opening the dome to reveal several hayburgers in a neat arrangement.

“I thought we were having steamed maize,” Nova scrutinized the burgers.

“D’ohohohoho, no,” chuckled Twilight, “I said steamed hays. That’s what I call hayburgers.”

“You call hayburgers ‘steamed hays?’” Nova asked skeptically, arching an eyebrow.

“Yes,” Twilight nodded, almost a bit too enthusiastically. “It’s a regional dialect.”

“Uh-huh,” Nova didn’t seem impressed. “What region?”

“Oh, uh, Mt. Canterhorn Valley.”

“Really?” Nova’s eyebrow raised even higher. “Well, I’m from Neighton and I’ve never heard anyone use the phrase ‘steamed hays.’”

“Oh, not Neighton, no,” Twilight was prepared for this one. “It’s a Ponyville expression.”

“I see,” Nova grunted, but seemed to dismiss it, and set to eating the offered food.

After a few bites, however, he stopped and scrutinized the food.

“You know,” he said, quite conversationally, “these hayburgers are quite similar to the ones they have at Pony Burger.”

“Ohohoho, no,” Twilight chuckled again, “Patented Sparkle Burgers. Old family recipe!”

“For steamed hays,” clarified Nova skeptically.

“Yes,” Twilight dipped her head.

“Yes, and you call them steamed hays despite the fact,” he pulled up a bun to reveal the hay patty, with very obvious black grill streaks, “despite the fact that these are obviously grilled.”

Twilight could only blink stupidly. He had her painted into a corner, with no way out.

“Ye-- You know the--” she was now repeatedly failing to come up with an excuse this time. So much for being on a roll today! “One thing I should--”

Meanwhile, Nova just continued to stare at her with the grilled burger being shown off.

“E-excuse me for one second,” Twilight practically jumped up out of her seat and made a break for the kitchen door.

“Of course,” Nova dismissed her and went back to his burger.

Twilight pushed her way into the now smoke-saturated room, took a deep breath, and then walked back out, stretching her front hooves as though she were tired.

“Well that was wonderful,” she almost yelled in an overly cheerful voice. “A good time was had by all. I am pooped.”

Nova glanced at the clock on the library wall. “Yes, I should be-- GOOD LORD, what is happening in there!?”

The smoke from the kitchen was now issuing out of it, filling the room with a black cloud.

“Aurora Borealis,” Twilight replied instantly, just blurting out the first thing that popped into her head.

“A--” Nova just stared at her incredulously. “Aurora Borealis? At this time of year, at this time of day, in this part of Equestria, localized entirely within your kitchen!?”

“Yes,” Twilight responded flatly. By now, what even was the point?

“...may I see it?” Nova suddenly asked, a hopeful look on his face.

Twilight pretended to consider it for a moment, but shook her head. “No.”

She led him back outside the library, where he started on his way back into town, off to whatever he was going to do for the rest of the day.

“Twilight! The library’s on fire!” shouted Spike from inside.

“No, Spike, it’s just the Northern Lights!” she called back.

Nova paused to look back at her.

“Well Twilight, you are an odd pony, but I must say, you steam some good hay.”

She grinned at him and he set off, though he did look back occasionally, to which she just smiled and waved all the more vigorously.

“Help! Heeeeeeelp!” yelled Spike, but it fell on deaf ears as Nova trotted away, and Twilight remained completely and totally oblivious to the library burning down behind her.

Comments

[LostArchivist]

...Okay.

[Wolven5]

...Words fail me

[Gboyd]

I can't process... what... what is this? it's brilliant in a way. I'm going to leave this chapter off with three guesses: You were drunk, sleep deprivation, or dehydration.

[Rytex]

10548367

I was drunk on sleep dehydration.

[Mighty C]

Every comment here summaries this chapter perfectly.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart for bringing this masterpiece into existence.
Now I can refer to this when someone asks me what my favourite version of steamed hams is.

“I prefer the real steamed hams”.
...
“I said the Real steamed hams”.
...
...
...
“Perfection”