Bonus: crossover by Winter Song
(1st person = Winter Song)
(3rd person = Onyx)
The entired room began to shake as the enchanted element of harmony unleashed it power on the brick walls of Discord’s tower. The players began to run in all direction in panic. One of them was knocked out as a brick hit him behind the head.
I look around in panic as the confussion took all the warriors that was bravely fighting a few minutes ago. My eyes widden in horror as a loud cracking noise was heard above me, I look up to see a part of the wall falling in my direction.
In panic I covered my eyes as if it would protect me from the wall. But the pain never came. Curiously I opened my eyes all the room around me was frozed in black and white. I looked frantically around me but then I heard quiet hoofsteps behind me. I spun around come face with the intruder only to see.
``Mom?!`` There in front of me was the butter yellow Pegasus that took care of me for ten years.
``I’m not your mom, I am simply a representation of kindness.``
``What did you do?!`` I ask in confusion.
``I’m simply protecting the daughter of my bearer, it’s my duty to keep harmony in check and losing a daughter of one of the bearer would only cause a great unbalance. You’re too precious to sacrifice right now. I will sent you to a second element of kindness.``
``What?! But there can only be one element for each representation of friendship!``
``That is not true little filly, there can only be one bearer for each ones, but there many others elements of kindness walking in this world, now close your eyes and I will make you safe.`` I panic as a strong magic wash over me. And I fell cold on the floor before a strange pink light engulfed me.
- - - - - -
(Onyx POV)
Onyx, the prince of Equestria, was at the edge of the forest, beside Canterlot. Since this morning he was there, crying all the tears of his body and reading again and again the same scroll, wishing desperatly that he had misread what was written on it.
And if would have stay there until who know when but a cold breeze pull it out of his sadness.
“...why is this so cold here....we are in the middle of the summer....” He tought until he saw a bright flash of pink in the wood and decide to go see what it was.
***
It did not take time for Onyx to discover what he wanted, the more he was progressing, the more the grass was frozed, like in the start of the winter and in the middle of all this frozed grass was a gray pegasus lying on the ground. He did not know if the “snow” was coming from her but all his life he have been teached to help the other and this is what he is going to do.
****
(Winter POV)
I let a groan as the first thing that hit me was a strong headache, that was weird I dreamed that mom was in the tower of Discord but that would ridiculous. I blink the ray of Celestia sun invaded my eyes. Seriously! Why did she have to put her sun at the wors places as if she was making it on puprose! I thought to myself frustrated.
Wait is that grass I’m sleeping on? I open my eyes and saw a blured bipedal blob in front of me. I shook my head and come face with a elegant looking human. ``Ahhhh! Don’t come near me colt!`` I scream creating a wave of water to repeal him away.
I tried to flew away but my wings where completely freezing the human rise back from my attack and my eyes widden in fear as he approach me. I did the only thing I could think in hide myself in a corner.
“Wait! Don’t fear me! Yes i am different but i will not bite you, i swear it on my mother Celestia!”
``I don’t care that you’re a human your a male! You’re all dangerous espiecially when drunk!`` I said in panic without giving him a chance to explain I gallop in the oposite direction but he was more stubborn than I through and also more quick, ok I admit I wasn’t the most fast of ponies with my small legs but still!
I stop in my track as I saw something wrong, the statue of Discord in all his glory was there in the garden. What the hay?! Discord is till playing his sick games at home how could he be back there? Without me noticing the prince approached me calmly as he saw my mouth agap at the spirit of disharmony.
“Wait! *puff* don’t...run....there....*puff* nopony is allowed to come close to the statue since we have banish him stone again.” Said the human as he come more closer to the pegasus.
“And please...i will not hurt you...i swear it on my mother...i just want to know...how a pegasus could have send me water like that. As far as i know pegasus can’t pratice magic.””
I turn around I was about to run again but for a reason, something in his eyes made me stay, I wasn’t trusting him just yet, I would never trus a stallion not after that stupid stallion tried to drown me because he wanted to see the ‘sea pony’ swim.
``That was not magic, well okay it is magic but a different kind one. I’m what you call a elementalist most unicorns can only access forty percent of their magic before their body block them from using it.`` I took a proud expression as I explain the rest.
``A elementalist have complete access to their magic and are not limited by a bone stuck on their head.`` I giggle at this.. ``The only downhill is that if I’m not careful, I could die, but everything come for a price I guess.``
Onyx stay silent the whole time she explain her “magic”. He still could not believe that a no unicorn could perform some magic but he trust her.
“We should stay away of this part of the garden, i really don’t want to free back Discord after what he have done and if the guard catch us, they will do nothing to me but to you....”
And with these word, he take the way of the exit, showing to the pegasus to follow him.
I didn’t trust him but in this strange place that didn’t seem to follow the history of my reality he was the only friendly face I knew so I followed him I had many question but after I just attack him with my magic powers, I think I will wait a little while before asking him about this twisted version of my world.
- - - - - -
Onyx was walking in the direction of the castle, accompagnied by the young pegasus. they were both silent, the pegasus because she was still not certain if she could trust the human and Onyx because his mind was still filled with the conversation he got with his mother. The road to Canterlot was still far away and for pass the time, Onyx decided to toss away all his bad emotion and engaging the conversation.
“...so....i don’t recall us to have do the presentation, i’m Onyx, prince of Equestria, adoptif son of Celestia. What is your my dear pegasus subject?”
Adoptive son of Celestia? I through traveling in other dimensions would be awesome like in all these comics books but it’s just confusing. Well he seem all proud of his title, I will show him I’m not just anypony.
``My name is Winter Song, daughter of the element of kindness and niece of the famous princess of friendship Twilight Sparkle.`` I state proudly
As soon Winter declare her name and title, Onyx looking at her like if she was crazy, maybe she have hit her head in the wood.....or she ust escape from the azile.
“Princess Twilight? and Fluttershy....are you sure..because as far as i know, My marefriend is not a princess and Fluttershy is not a mother, she hardly have the time for found a coltfriend with all the work she have with her animals?”
Winter).
I look at him for a second I put a hoof on my mouth before bursting out laughing. ``Ahahahah! You the coltfriend of Twilight? Everypony know she’s a filly fooler for Author sake, Celestia made in sort that all the member of the friendship guards would be mares she wouldn’t go out with a stallion!``
I continue laughing before calming down with a calming breath. ``As for my mom well her coltfriend help her with animals nine years ago...Before he died leaving me and my sis alone.`` I finish sadly.
Onyx did not know if she was a real pro at lying or if she really think that her story was real, but for sure she was good for fake an emotion.
“ Maybe she really escap from the asylum, i remember to have read something about this...if i recall we need to act like if the patient was right......”
“Hahaha i was sure this lie will not work, and i’m really sorry about your dad....” The castle was not too far away now and it was only a matter of minute before he could ask the guard if the Asylum was researching somepony.
“....I remember you have called me a.....human i think...what it is if i may ask?”
Winter)
`` You don’t know what is a human when you’re one yourself? Humans are the most dangerous non magical creature that exist master of technology and politic. Most of them are nice if you know them, but some of them make Discord seem like a schoolyard bully.``
``They evolve from apes when the world was at it’s begining, they are now one of the most common race in the union of the council.``
“yea....sure.....”
“She sure have a big imagination”
not so long after that, they were both in front of the entrance of Canterlot, the two guard bow when Onyx pass in-front of him, before Onyx take one of them aside and whispered him to go check if any asylum have been the victim of a escape.
“Well...we are finally in Canterot, i have send some guard to go tell your mom that you are with me right now. Would you like to enter in the castle or you have something to do in the city?” He asked, still playing his little game of trusting her.
winter)
I shrug there was nothin exciting about this place really, it was full of snobs and seriously what type of city only have a single old video game store that sell nothing else than the most popular games like the boring games of dances. ``Nah I’m okay.``
Something was strange through it was as if the technology of Equestria had go a few years back. I didn’t saw a single pony with a cell phone what up with that? Well most ponies never trusted the technology of the council maybe we just saw a few of the ones who rely more on magic than other things.
Both of them continue their way to the castle and when they finally arrive at the entrance, a Solar guard said to Onyx that the princess was searching him, but Onyx completly ignore the guard and take the direction of his chamber followed by Winter.
His room was still messed up so he tryed to do a rapid clean up before he let’s invite Winter to enter.
Winter)
``Well I through a prince would be more organised than this, meh doesn’t matter at least you will alway be cooler than Blueblood, that not saying much but that a good thing.`` I said with a smirk, ``So what you wana do? you want me to tell the time I forced Luna to act like a snob unicorn of Canterlot? you should have seen her face!`` I burst out laughing at the image that was in my head.
For Onyx, thing were only being worst by the time, now not only she taught that she was the filly of Fluttershy, but now she was acting like if she was enought close to the royaltie for make prank with them, and everypony know that Luna would never being forced to do something by somepony else.
“i need to find a way for show her that al this thing is only in her head....maybe if...”
“Remember when you told me that Twiley was lesbian...right? Could you take the picture on your left and tell me that she look like a lesbian..please?” The picture he was talking about was representing him and Twilight both kissing each other at the heart and hoove day.
winter)
I look at the picture for a second, what surprise me most was not the fact she was kissing a perfect stranger, I mean if she’s bi curious it her business. But in this picture she was just a unicorn.
Well Okay it could alway been take before her ascension, I reason with myself, ``So wait does this mean you’re a girl? Because humans look all the same to me.`` I said smugly.
“Wait WHAT! No yes i have a long mane but i like this way! And Twilight have never been into mare..arggg.....what it will need to show you that all what you say are not right....”
They both were interompted by a knock on the door.
“Onyx...is this you.......? Please let’s me enter....i know you are angry and all...but you need to know that i did not have the choice....”
Onyx asked Winter to be quiet, for nothing in Equestria he would want to talk with his mother, not after what she have done.
“Please, go answer to the door and tell her that...im not here and you are just here for clean the room....pretty please.....”
Winter)
Well I shouldn’t help someone that try to run from his problems but I think I atleast owe him this. I open the door ther in front of me was princess Celestia. ``Oh hello filly I don’t remember seeing you before what are you doing in my son room?``
Quick! I mus find a good lie, yes! ``Epona invited me to stay so I took the first room I saw.`` Celestia look at me strangely.
``Who is this Epona?`` What?! The princess don’t even know her own daughter, that pretty low right there.
``Eeeh, You know she’s...A maid of the caslte!`` Celestia look at me only more suspiciously.
``I make a duty to know every single pony of my staff I should know who is this Epona.`` She know her staff but not her daughter? Wow I fell sad for Epona now.
``Ok you know what? I’m tired of lying go away`` With that I green Celestia only glare harder but I made the most unexpected she trhoug I would do, I began to sing.
``Ruler of the day, so exhausted
Politicians so always crossed
Just lay there and forget me
A good sleep and then we flee``
As soon as I finish my song her eyes grew heavy and she fell snoring loudly on the floor of the castle. ``And that why they call me the sea pony`` I said proudly.
Onyx was still in his room when he heard something heavy hit the ground, and he go check what it was, but when he was his mother on the ground he tought that the pegasus had attacked her.
“MOTHER!” He said before he take her heand between his hand for check if she was still breathing.
“What have you done!”
My ears went flat at his expression. ``I-I just made h-her sleep.`` I said guiltily looking at the ground.
“Sleep? You can’t make somepony sleep just like that, now help me we need to bring her to her room before some guard see us.”
winter)
``I have an idea do you have something hot around her?`` I ask grinning at my plan.
“Hot? Like what?”
``Any object that can make hot temperature enought to make steam that could cover a entire room.``
“.....i don’t think.....i’m not really here often i’m usualy at the Library with Twiley....maybe we could ask her to do a fire spell or i don’t know
winte)
``Well... Where is Twilight right now?`` I ask becoming more nervous that a guard could walk on us at each moment.
“She probably at her Library.” Said Onyx before he ask the help of the pegasus to bring Celestia in his room before somepony see them.
“I will send her a letter that i need her help, you don’t move don’t touch anything and don’t answer at the door i should be back soon.” Onyx exclaimed before he leave Winter alone in his room.
Winter)
I scratch my mane with a hoof, this guy was certainly strange, he seem to don’t know anything about the veil. Well it was nice and all but I must go back home mom will probably worried sick. With that in mind I Write a note to Onyx saying I was leaving and thank him for his hospitality. When I finish the letter I open the window and took off in direction of Ponyville.
Chapter ?
I glide down in the town I grew up in, I was surprised when everypony seem happy, where was Discord’s tower? I didn’t want to believe it but that seem to be in front of me, I was in a alternate world.
The worst id that all point that it was a world in the Gaia branch, if the coucil would know I came her I would be in trouble really quick. Well if ther can be one person that can probably help me is princess Twilight I hope she’s still living in this library.
...I will waiting you,
XXX
Onyx.
Onyx give a last checkup to the grammar in the scroll before he send it to Luna wich will send it to Twilight. Dating Twilight have teach him that if he ever send her a message with some error in it, he would be sure that she will ignore him and will not answer to his letter.
Now the only thing he could do was waiting, so Onyx decide to go see what was the crazy pegasus doing, but before he would go to the kitchen grab something to eat for her and him because since this morning the only thing he have got was an apple.
As he walk, he tried to think about the pegasus, how she have been there, how she have act around him, like if she was from there but at the same time not from here.
“Maybe i should ask her more about where she come from and why she was in the wood, we never know, maybe she was right, i mean i never truly understand how magic worked..so maybe...maybe i shoud try to know more about her”
***
Onyx was now on his way to his room where he have left Winter and Celestia, his arms filled with random fruit he have take at the kitchen, when he was in front of his door he asked Winter to open it but he get no answer.
“Ho come on Winter, i know i’ve told you to not answer to anypony but is me.........FINE no apple for you!” As he said that he tryed to open his door with his mouth and after some try he finally get it, but when he was inside two thing surprised him. First Winter was no longer here and second Celestia was hugging his favorite plushie.
“Hey...it mine plus- and ou know what keep it, i need to find back that filly before she put herself in more trouble.”
But before he exit his room, he saw a scroll on his table and took it.
‘Dear Onyx thanks for all your help when I was lost and disoriented, but now I must go back home in Ponyville with my family, I hope I will see you another time
-Winter’
“Her familly.....wait....who it was again....ho yea she have say that her mother was Fluttershy...but how a filly like her can walk from Canterlot to Ponyville without being armed or something, she is too young to do this by herself.....i need to go help her.”
Winter pov)
I knock at the library doow but didn’t seem to have any responce, she must be somewhwere else, but where? Maybe leaving this human wasn’t a good idea after all. I shook my head, no he couldn’t have help me in anyway he isn’t even magical.
Well...Maybe I should just go see this alternate version of mom with luck she will reconize me. I gallop exitedly in direction of the cottage, the ponies in town gave me a strange look when they didn’t reconize me.
Finally I saw her the Pegasus was gently humming as she feed her animals friends. ``Mom! You’re here, I’M so happy to see you!`` I said before pouncing on her.
``W-what? Mom?!`` Was all she could say before she was met in a embrace, she look awkwardly around trying desperatly to find if the filly had mistook her for another mare but there was only her and her critters.
***
A stallion shook his head in disbelief as he search in the dozens of paper of the castle archives. Onyx had ask him to search if there was a evaded patients of the asylum but being curious like he is, when he find none he tried to find the origins of the filly in question.
He had search low and high but the filly appear nowhere as if she had never existed at all. Which freak I’m out, prince Onyx must know about this right now!
***
The more I spend with my ‘mom’ the more I realised she wasn’t my Fluttershy at all, she never knew Peace Dreamer, her parents were a mare and a stallion I don’t even know and worst of all Meek Sky never existed.
It was too much for me and I flee it was as if a changeling had took her place only she wasn’t a villain in fact she seem as kind as my mom but it was just not her. With nothing better to do I began my search for Twilight I really hope she have a response to how I could come back home. Stupid element of kindness why did it have to throw me in a Gaia world of all places?!
***
Onyx was in his room, trying to found a solution for go in Ponyville AND keep his mother here before somepony see her, maybe he could transport here in her room and tell the guards that she was sick. he was still trying to find a solution when somepony knocked at his door.
“Guard Sunny Shiled for duty! I’m here about the filly.” When Onyx heard the guard, an idea came to his mind.
“You may enter.”
The guard opened the door and enter in the room, but when he saw Celestia sleeping on the bed, he tought that she have been so busy with the incoming marriage of his son that she was now taking a merited rest.
“So..what did you found about her.” Asked the prince, still thinking about his plan.
“Nothing your majestie, and by nothing i mean really nothing, no asylum escape either here or in the other country. and i-”
“Well maybe they did not realise that they was missing a patient.” Interupted the prince.
“Maybe my prince, but i found something else, nopony have been born with her name, i found no birth certificate or changing name contract at her name, is like if she never existed....so i tought....maybe she a Changeling.”
Onyx did not answer, his mind calculating the new info he was having about her, and then he decided that she was not a changeling, first of all if she was a spy, well she would be the worst spy in all the Chrysalis Hive because she was very not good for don’t attract the attention. Second Chrysalis have been very clear with the message she have sent this morning and she was having no reason to send a spy here. So why the guard did not find anything....
“Thank you for this info my guard, i will personally take care of her, if i may ask could you please watch my mom while i will be gone...she have been so busy this last day that i would not want somepony to wake her up.”
“...sure my prince but....should not you be preparing your own wedding and leaving this to the royal guard...”
“My wedding......i could not care less about my wedding.....” Said the prince before he exit his room in his way to the train station.
***
I found Twilight close of the town pond, I had to rub my eyes when I saw her, all my lifes Twilight had always a pair of wings seeing her without it was weird to say at least. ``Hey aun- I mean miss Twilight Sparkle!`` I said waving at her, she look up from her book and look strangely at me.
``Hello little fiilly, do I know you?`` I look around trying to find a excuse.
``My...Sis was at the same school you’ve been.`` I said with my best poker face.
``Oh? What was her name maybe I saw her somewhere!`` Oh hay, what do I say?
``Her name was...Lyra! You know excited green unicorn fascinated with everything that is in legends.`` I said with a forced smile.
``Now I remember I saw her around town I few times! Well it’s nice to see you...Ah! I didn’t quite catch your name.``
``I’m Winter Song! Say miss Twilight Lyra said you were the best at magic.`` Twilight immediatly blush at the praise.
``Well I don’t want to brag but I think I’m well read on the subject.`` She said placing a hoof proudly on her chest. Don’t want to brag my flank, I roll my eyes smilling.
``I heard you travel in time once! So I was wondering do you know anything about the multiverse!?`` I ask grinning I really hope she know how to get home.
``I’m sorry to disapoint you but scientifics have proved that the multiverse cannot exist in any shape.`` I instantly deflate at the new, I know the multiverse exist I saw the veil myself when I was younger. But if she think is not possible that mean she doesn’t know any spell to make me go back home.
Before I could continue I heard hoof- no I’m pretty sure they were footsteps, I turn my head in direction of the sound, only to see the same humans that help me earlier today. Whoa! I said I wanted to see I’m again in my letter, but I didn’t think he would take it seriously enough to come all the way here so soon.
“Twilight! Happy to see you, i bet you have meet Winter right?”
“Onyx? I tought you was supposed to come here only this weekend...Ho and yes, i did not know Lyra was having a sister did you?
“Lyra sister? did not she have say that her mother was Fluttershy.....”
“Yea....Lyra what a secret mare...hehe if you don’t mind Winter have forget something and Lyra, wich was in visit in Canterlot, asked me to bring it to her..so if you don’t mind..”
Onyx showing to Winter to follow him until he was sure that they were enought away for be sure that Twilight will not heard them.
“Listen Winter, i don’t know why i care but i am, so you will explain me why i can’t find your birth certificate and why you don’t stop to lie about your family.”
Winter)
``What?! Id din’t lie about my mom! Well okay maybe Lyra isn’t my sis but she’s still a friend of the family.`` I huff. ``And well for my birth certificate you would probably don’t even believe me if I tell you.`` It hard to believe that things like the veils and the elders gods would make me seem insane, here when it’s common knowledge where I come from.
“ well maybe you could just start by the where it is begin because we no you could not lie to everypony from where you are from, and i swear i will try to trust you...
``Well ok one question first, have you even heard of terms like, gods angels and guardians?`` I ask calmly not sure if it was a really good idea to lecture him about this. When he stare at me blankly I roll my eyes.
``Well okay that will be long, in the multiverse there are two branchs that are tied together. The first one is named Gaia, this is the type of world we are curently standing in. In this world divinities doesn’t exist or if they do they have escape the control of the council.
In these worlds the life of the ponies are short lasting merely a century at most and when you die you are gone from this world for good.`` I relax a little and took a breat before contuning my long lesson.
``Now where I come from the Kira branch is all another things, our life are mostly in our hooves, we are not limited by our ageing some ponies like Star Swirl the bearded have lived for millenia. It does cause some overpopulation problems once and a while but at the rate the guardians create new worlds we can mostly live withotu a overhelming amout of ponies.``
``It does seem like a dream come true immortality and all that but even if it is a peaceful place to live most of the time some creatures from other worlds have free acess to Equestria. The most infamous ones are the Soul Reapers.
They are without mercy killing anypony that search information about them. I heard they search for the shard of lifes to be able to created their own twisted paradise. Ten years ago one of them keep coming back in Equestria.
His name was Time Skip a time traveler that could change the course of time for his own amusement. But there was one ponies that stand up to him, his name was Peace Dreamer. He was a elementalist just like me.
He was able to defeat the time traveller in a final duel but doing so he died with him, that where I come from nopony ever know what I was doing here but that night I was hit from the crossfire of their fight and lose my memory.
I was lost and scare but Fluttershy was there, even when she lost her soon to be husband she welcome me in her family demanding nothing in return. Her and Meek Sky may not be biogically related to me but they are my only true family and I wouldn’t want any other one.``
Onyx taked his time for answer her, on a first hoof nopony could believe her and it was impossible that have told the truth....but on the other one...how can somepony could create a big lie like that in less than 2 minutes....and is she was right it could even explain in a certain way why he was here.
“Well...is it quite a story...So you live in a other dimension that look like this one...but at the same time everything is different...and you are all immortal....that...quite a shock....So all your..god is watching us like if we were nothing than just a copy of a another book?”
winter)
``It hard to explain...Immortal is not the term I would really use we’re more like alicorns without the power behind it we can easily die we’re just not affect by the flow of time. As for the copy, it’s not true either think of it that way.
``All the world are created with extreme basics grass plants and a few animals of each races. But in the end all that is alterned come from the choice of the ponies that live in it we’re not merely puppets control by the gods. The guardians even if some like to think they are perfect beings, are far from it, they have immense power yes, but have flaws like every living being, they are like a more powerful version of a royal family.``
“ I still don’t like the idea of somepony who can create world after world like that..nopony should have that much power....you and your....realm should do something about it...”
``Well at first the elders were hiding from reach in Oasis the first world ever created. but three millenia ago a revolution start, mortals and younger gods wanted the power the elders had, the problem is that they turn it into a bloodshed.
In the books they say the elders have win the fight but the truth is that no side had won, the ones who wanted the power destroyed everything of Oasis, so much that the land is now called the wasteland where massive prisons where built to imprison the gods that didn’t follow the rules establish from the council that came after the war.
It can be worrying but I trust the elder with our security they have done it since the dawn of time. And creating worlds at their will can indeed seem worrying, but in a world where we don’t simply die like here it’a necessity.``
“.....the more i think about it the more my head hurt...but you still did not tell me why you are here. If i trust your story a Gaia..no the Kira pony can’t go in a gaia place..am i right?”
My ears laid back in response. ``You’re right I’m not suppose to be here if the council find out I was in a Gaia world with my memories of other worlds they would probably throw me in the wasteland.`` I said sweeting nervousely.
``As for why I’m here...A few years back Celestia wanted Fluttershy to reform Discord, the only proble is that when they made him free he fell inconsious without any reponse, that his sould had escape from his body.
Now two months ago he came back and turn Equestria into a massive game with players from another world. I tried to help to retrieve one element of harmony by helping Sonata, a friend of the family to beat the chalenges of Discord.
But when I was able to take the element of kindness the room we were in began to fall down and before I knew it the element had transport me here saying something about ‘keeping the balance of harmony’`` I finished I had dificulty into believing it had all happened myself, but I guess it must be worse for Onyx.
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I'm so glad to see more of this!
5729131
The sequel has been submitted I'm just waiting for the admin to let me publish it.
5729228
*Loud, ear-piercing fan-girl scream*
5729240
haha :P
5729244
Seriously, though, looking forward to the new story.
I can't help but cringe when I see every mistakes I made, it's almost as if I'm reading the story of someone else with how much I got better with time.
5729271
I know that feeling when I'm reading back the first chapters ^^
How are you doing?
5729280 I'm doing pretty good, but the new Super Smash Bros. has taken a lot of time I should probably have put on my story.
5729290
Hahaha :D I love that game. My main is Lucario you?
5729305 My main is Link but I'm getting pretty good with Luigi too.
I am so glad you are back. Is everything okay?
5745312
yes thing are going fine but how are YOU doing little wolf :3 Been so long since we talked.
5745585
Yes it has! I've missed you so much.
I... actually feel a little sick after that.
OK. Pro and con time.
Pros:
* Unpredictable story, keeps things interesting.
* Many small details that are simply hilarious and a pleasure to read.
* The main character has well defined limits and is, in fact, essentially useless in nearly every conflict, struggle, or confrontation in the story.
* Not the standard bollocks with HiE.
* The shipping is at least hypothetically plausible considering Twilight 'grew up' around him.
* The author does actually improve to some degree as the story goes on.
Cons:
* Some conflicts are introduced too soon after the previous ones, or have very little gravity because things just keep going wrong.
* Details of the story change within paragraphs of them being introduced.
* Of the characters in the story, Cadence, Luna, Onyx, and Chrysalis are the only ones I think are somewhat believable. Celestia is too impulsive and immature in many of her interactions in the story, especially important political ones. Twilight may as well just have the name Love Interest and outside of the part about living in Ponyville, and her being the anti-changeling Macguffin instead of Shining Armor and Cadence.
* The impact of the gryphon emperor's "revelation" of killing the previous queen is completely spoiled several chapters earlier by describing Chrysalis' mother killed by "Gryphon weapons and magic." Leading the reader paying any attention to wonder why the hell Chrysalis is after Celestia.
* Many decisions made in this story are, quite frankly, those of a madman or an idiot possessed of impaired mental facilities. For example, the decision not to inform your vengeance crazed ruler that someone claimed to have 'killed their ruler'.
* Red and black zebracorn with yellow cat-eyes. Only mentioned once but what the hell.
* Celestia and Luna individually have enough power to move the heavens, and indeed could very likely melt Gryphonia (or whatever you're calling it) from space, if they so chose. Ironically this logical fallacy is upheld by the show (though not the comics) so I can't complain so much.
* Some plots appear to have been completely aborted within the confines of this story. Such as the thing with Elixir and company making a thing to save the wedding only to never show up.
* The gryphon emperor was just too over the top. No one, not even his own guards, would have served him by that point. Some conquerers in history were that bad to those they defeated, but never their own citizens. There is no way that he wouldn't have been assassinated, or failing that, had to fight off every other gryphon in the empire.
* Characters are introduced by name, time is spent introducing them and attaching them to the reader, and then simply never mentioned again.
The list goes on but... frankly I'm tired. In all, this story has/had potential, but it needs to be cleaned up, and not just for grammar issues. Because frankly, the author is a better story-teller than (s)he is a writer by far, and is therefore inhibited by the medium rather than expressing through it.
6054951
This is probably my new favorite comment. I must thank you first to have took (taken?) the time to read the story and I must thank you too for this short review. I must say that I agree with you about the cons. of the story ( I was kinda glad that not so many people have saw (seen?) the lack of continuity on some character.) I'm still trying to improve myself as a writer and I might do a cleanup of this story when I'll feel ready.
Thank you again and have a nice day.
6232036
YES! Someone that can find plothole and bad stuff!! :D DO I think I had so much fun reading your comment. They made me realise how much this story was bad. Well I guess most author first story are not that good but you really showed me how much stuff I have to work on.
Can't wait to read your next comments
6293573
FFS you should make this your job
Alright, so now would normally be the time I write a comment venting my frustrations on how much I hate all the mistakes and content issues in this chapter, but I've done plenty of those. I would leave a similar comment based on the mistakes throughout the entire story but Snow summed it up pretty well.
So, with that in mind, I would like to leave off by saying that this was a good story. Many of the details were out of place, grammar was horrible, characterization was even worse, and continuity was an issue, but the story kept my interest throughout the read. As you, Silver Fang, undoubtedly know, this needs a lot of work, but you have a good story and that's what you need above everything else.
6657544 Cause that's how he acted in the one episode where he was actually relevant.
6715606 there is one on my profile
6876412
I totally agree
7170720
So do I
Sorry, I got to chapter 13 but I don't want to read on. I really recommend getting someone to go back and edit this story, it's written quite badly and is full of mistakes. I get that this is just fanfiction but I don't really want to settle for this when there are stories out there that have had a great deal of effort put into these things.
who's the main character romanced with?
7616953 TF2 Soldier: Why are you still standing there!? GO DO WHAT YOU WERE TOLD TO DO!!
7895329 I posted that comment over year ago, around the time when I was just getting into the fandom. I don't think I even knew what I was talking about.
8534405
when its fiction because i know they are fake but if it was IRL then i would be sad
that they were being so mercilessly cut down but my point stands they are not real so i hold no feelings for them
1. yes i don't care but even then this story is near intolerable but not hate worthy
2. i wasn't trying to have a defense of anything can be disruptive i was making a point any i brought it up because it could have been much much worse there was no point on commenting about her if it could have been even worse when it was just a minor disruption
3. yes she met them and introduced them to him but she has still just met and became friends with them and is still beginning to learn about friendship, and because Twilight has know Onyx for years she didn't want to potentially ruin their friendship no matter how unwarranted those thoughts were i mean i'm pretty sure he would still want to be her friend even if he didn't have the same feelings
4.like i said i'll only laugh at fictional drunks because they're not real if i laughed at a real life drunk if he/she wasn't my best friend i would be disappointed and ashamed in myself plus i laugh at people begging for mercy as they get slaughtered mercilessly
5. As for Literature i will ask you. Am i writing a essay for School, a Résumé, or a report for my superior? No i'm not.
6. I don't find these comments funny because they are real life comments almost anything IRL I don't find funny at all
PS. It still HURTZ me that i made that joke. I will never forgive myself for that
8534704
1. It was a disruption that ruined the entire chapter so no, it was not too small. Although I will admit that, compared to the other monstrosities of literary sin committed in this story, it is pretty minor.
2. Would the mistake being minor change the fact that it's poorly done and in need of revision? Is the mistake that ruined the flow of the entire chapter too small to point out?
Would that result in a jittery schoolgirl attitude from a grown adult? No? Thought not.
So you don't care to even do basic spelling, word choice, or punctuation, but you feel the need to question my criticisms? Here's the thing, I can't take people seriously when they can't even put in the bare minimum of effort in their responses, especially when they're questioning my criticisms of the worst story I've ever read. If you consider this conversation to not even be important enough to do the bare minimum then I'm not sure why you started it in the first place.
So what if this isn't a school essay or a work report? It's a comment written in English and that should be more than enough of a motivation for you to do BASIC GRAMMAR!
Think of it this way: if you put no effort into your online responses they might seep into your IRL responses and then you'll have a real problem. Put too little effort into too many online comments and you might do the same thing on something of actual importance simply from force of habit.
8536093
i have one response to your reply cause i'm about to go to sleep and it's to your comment about not taking me seriously, well I can't take people who take the internet so seriously, serious its the internet people are telling people to end themselves daily on here so no I don't have the motivation to use basic grammar on here unless i'm writing something serious unlike this
8537272
So you want to challenge my criticisms but you don't want to put any effort into it. And when I point this out your response is "I don't care".
Good luck with that attitude.
Perhaps you didn't know this, but if you put effort into your online presence then you might actually learn something. Take me for example. By actually putting effort into my responses I was able to deduce that you have no real argument and were just challenging my valid criticisms out of spite. When you realized that I had legitimate intention of defending my points you just fell back onto the "don't take the internet seriously" argument, further confirming my suspicions.
Stuff that exists on the internet:
-Your SSN, date of birth, place of birth, schooling record, current residence, current job, etc.
-Your social media which can and does ruin people's lives
-Your credit card information
-Your bank information (and most if not all of your money)
-Your email which I can guarantee has been very important to you at some point
-Every detail about everything you've ever done
Don't worry though, no need to take it seriously.
And before you hit me with "I was referring to this website/the comments section" then maybe you should learn to specify your points. See? Already learning something new. And that's a skill you can use in real life.
Am I doing that or are you just using that as an excuse to belittle the most important invention of mankind?
Unless this conversation has involved invitations of suicide, which it hasn't, that accusation holds no weight.
Considering you bothered to respond to my comments more than once it's safe to say you care about this conversation more than you'd like to admit. In other words, you are taking this seriously but you don't want to put in any effort nor do you want to admit it after seeing that my criticisms were valid.
If you truly didn't care about this conversation then you wouldn't have started it in the first place, much less continued till now.
A reluctant thumbs up.
The story is interesting, but the grammar and spelling issues (and punctuation) made this quite a slog to get through.
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