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Derpy Gets Fired
By Garland Gala

It was a brisk fall afternoon, the kind that usually calls for a jacket or a scarf, but it felt just perfect on Pinkie Pie’s bare coat as she stepped out of Sugar Cube Corner for a quick break. Having been in front of an oven for the past three hours, she could have just as easily gone for some snow.

The wind was gentle, yet it carried a sweet, steady whisper that spoke of the coming winter. Many ponies were out and about in their adorable fall garments, having a good time. This made Pinkie feel good inside. Whenever she was out on the town, she wanted to see smiles. When there were no smiles, it was her self-proclaimed duty to make some. She had done these rounds so many times that her very presence usually did the trick.

Walking by Bon Bon and Lyra’s usual bench, she turned to see them smiling at her together. Such a nice couple, she thought. In passing a certain well-dressed white unicorn, up went the corners of Ponyville's daintiest little lips. Good ol’ Rarity. The cutie mark crusaders were already giggling happily as they chased one another around the bubbling fountain. Their young laughter went all the way to the core of Pinkie’s heart. So cute!

She would never admit it, but Pinkie Pie had a favorite in town. Derpy Hooves, the infamously clumsy mailmare, was the absolute best pony to share smiles with. The way her ... unusual eyes looked above a pair of freshly dimpled cheeks just make Pinkie want to squeeze the stuffing out of her. Suuure Pinkie, her brain would mumble sarcastically, it's because of the way she smiles.

"Oh hush, brain."

Derpy was usually somewhere in town around this time of day, socializing on some street corner with one of her (regrettably few) friends. So it came as a great blow to Pinkie Pie when she turned a corner and spotted Derpy hiding in an alleyway with her tear-covered hooves pressed hard against her face. Crying! The sight immediately caused Pinkie's smile to invert into a frown, and she didn't like frowning one bit. She hurried over as quick as she could, crossing the empty street.

Derpy felt a gentle touch on her shoulder; a round, flat bluntness that could only be a hoof. She did not look up.

“Go away!” She sobbed.

A familiar, warming voice gasped. “You want Pinkie to go away?”

Derpy looked up, wiping her arm across her eyes. She made the appearance of someone who was quickly trying to get rid of a moment of weakness. “Oh ... uh, h-hi Pinkie Pie. Sorry ...”

“Why are you crying, Derpy?”

“It’s, uh, nothing.”

Pinkie’s arms went akimbo as she went up on her hind hooves. “Crying is never nothing! It’s always something - usually something bad! We need to fix what's wrong so you can get back to laughing and smiling!”

Derpy sighed miserably. “There are too many things about me that need fixing.”

“Whatever! You’re awesome.” Pinkie threw an arm around Derpy’s neck, pinning some of her blonde hair against the nape. “You’re super fun and always cheerful no matter what, and I almost always get my mail when you deliver it!”

Derpy’s lower lip trembled. “Not anymore.”

“Huh?”

“I, uh ...” Derpy lowered her head, crestfallen. “I dropped an expensive violin that was custom made for, uh, Octavia ... and it broke. They told me not to come back. So.”

Pinkie watched as more tears appeared and rolled down, creating dark gray trails in the thin coat of Derpy’s face. It was difficult, but she forced herself not to cry along with her. The goal here was to encourage a smile.

“Okay.” Pinkie said gently. “Maybe the mail’s just not for you after all. Maybe you need a new, better job... and I know the best job ever! Baking!!”

Derpy blinked wetly. “Um, baking? Me?”

“Baking! You!” Pinkie echoed enthusiastically. “Didn’t I tell you? I’m in charge of Sugar Cube Corner! The cake family is all in Manehatten for the whole week. I could really use an assistant!”

A faint smile appeared on Derpy’s lips, but she turned away to hide it. “You don’t want me, I’ll just mess up.”

“I do want you, and you won’t mess up, silly goose! Pleeeeeease?”

Derpy looked back to see Pinkie’s lovely eyes, big and round, looking back into hers - well, one of hers, anyway. She could feel herself starting to blush as her belly tingled on the inside ... all the usual feelings she would get during Pinkie’s smiling rounds. Things were feeling a little more 'right' again, and that was encouraging. Derpy nodded gently, and somehow managed a weak smile.

Pinkie Pie rose onto her hind legs again and thrust her arms upward, forming a pink star with her body as she cheered, “To the kitchen!”

Sugar Cube Corner was an unusually quiet place without the boisterous family that usually attended it. Its cheerful decor prevented it from feeling like a ghost ship, but it was still a little vacuous. It even felt a little chaotic, as though a bit of Pinkie Pie had brushed off on the place. Large bags of sugar and flower reclined against the walls, and some of the furniture had gotten turned this way and that. One could only guess what Pinkie had done to put the shop in such a state in just one single day.

As the door closed behind the two mares, Pinkie turned and reached a hoof for the open/closed sign she had flipped on the way out. But then she thought twice about it, and turned the lock on the door instead.

Derpy blinked unevenly. “We’re, uh, not going to open the store?”

“Nah. First we’re going to do some training! Come on, the kitchen’s over here!”

Pinkie pranced along while Derpy calmly walked behind her, eyeing the unusual layout of the otherwise familiar shop. It must be nice, she thought, to be as happy and carefree as Pinkie Pie.

“Pinkie ... these bags look kinda creepy.” She said, just to hear somepony talk in such a quiet building.

“Hmm?” Pinkie looked at some of the slouched bags lying against the wall. “They look like they’re sleeping to me. You know how caterpillars get in a cocoon, and then... poof!” she threw her hooves up in the air. “Butterfly!”

Derpy smiled a bit. “Uh-huh.”

Pinkie ran over and hugged one of the bags, squishing it completely out of shape. “That’s how I think of my ingredients. Right now they’re just boring ol’ sugar and flour. But someday, they’re going to be amazing, beautiful, colorful treats!”

“But then, um, somepony will eat them.”

“Aw Derpy, don’t think of it like that.” Pinkie laughed, as she released the bag and trotted back behind the counter. “Besides, sugar isn’t really alive, silly. Now come on back here, let’s make some muffins!”

Both of Derpy’s eyes wobbled out of place as her ears flagged upright. “Muffins!?”

Pinkie giggled happily as she watched the other mare zip over to her side and gaze expectantly at the counter. If there was anyway to this filly’s heart, it was through her stomach. With muffins.

“You’ve always loved the muffins we make here. Especially the blueberry ones! So how about we try and make some of those? I was going to already, actually.” Sure enough, a large bowl of thawed blueberries was already sitting expectantly on the table with a protective wrap across the top.

Derpy just nodded furiously. She was finally smiling, so Pinkie Pie smiled too.

Pinkie had plenty of songs to sing about muffin making. They filled the next thirty minutes or so with great cheer, as did the sounds and smells of preparation. For a time, Derpy felt that she would completely forget her sadness from earlier. It was like she had stepped into a private heaven that was made just for her, filled with sweet bakery smells and her favorite singing voice.

“And the muffins, they will grow,
they will grow, they will grow,
like a flower, doncha know,
doncha know, doncha know,
cause they’re flour after all
and I know you’re gonna fall
in love with muffins, tasty muffins!”

“Phew!” Pinkie gasped, clearing her throat and looking at the tray. Each cup was now stuffed with delicious looking batter. They had done perfect work together. Almost on cue, the oven chimed to announce that it was fully heated.

Pinkie looked at Derpy. “Why don’t you put those in the oven for me? I need to wash my hoofsies!” She looked down at her hooves, which were white as snow.

Derpy giggled. “Uh, no problem, Pinkie!”

For a moment, the two mares looked at one another, smiling. Smiling. Pinkie had indeed accomplished her mission, and it made her feel simply wonderful. In fact, it was the most simply wonderful feeling she could ever imagine. She found herself wishing she could linger, just enjoying Derpy’s expression for hours without seeming creepy. The truth was that she stared long enough for creepiness as it was - it was just that the exact same sentiment was being reflected right back at her.

“Okay. Time to wash my hoofsies.” Pinkie awkwardly repeated, breaking eye contact. She went over to the sink and started the water.

Derpy chewed on the corner of her lip as she looked at the tray with her one able eye, feeling distracted. She slid it across her hooves clumsily, not even considering that the oven door was still closed. Her mind was on something else. When she turned, delicately balancing herself on her hind legs, she suddenly realized her blunder - and fell.

Pinkie turned just in time to see the tray spinning in the air, and leapt. This resulted in a pair of wet hooves splattering Derpy just as the metal tray came clanging against her backside. The batter sprayed in every direction, completely covering both ponies from head to toe with raw blueberry muffin dough.

“Oh my goodness!” Pinkie squealed with worry, as she pushed her hooves into Derpy’s back to check for bruising beneath the coat. “Are you okay?”

Derpy stood in shock for a few moments. Then she closed her eyes, lowering her head in defeat. “I’m … okay. But ... the muffins ...”

Pinkie Pie looked down at the nearly empty tray and back up at the two of them. She caught a familiar glimmer in the corner of Derpy’s eyes, and suddenly that was the only thing that mattered.

“Hey! They weren’t muffins yet. They were just ... baby muffins. No - egg muffins! Egg McMuffins? Derpy, don’t cry. It’s not a big deal!”

But Derpy was already sobbing heavily and was on the floor, her hooves crossed above her head. “It is!” she shrieked.

Pinkie squatted down to the same level. “No way! I’ve spilt muffin mix before. Just ask the Cake foals … when they can talk! We just have to make some more, that’s all.”

“It’s not just the muffins.” Derpy continued. “It’s me. It’s my stupid eyes, my stupid clumsiness! I ruin everything!”

“You do not.” Pinkie spoke gently, sliding a hoof around the gray mare and bundling herself up with her. “You really don’t.”

Derpy’s entire body seemed to throb. She had never been held this tightly before, nor had she felt this much of her body pressed against somepony else’s. The tears continued to flow, but she drew herself up into the embrace.

“I can’t think of anything I haven’t messed up at.” She whispered, weakly.

“You haven’t messed up at being Derpy.” Pinkie replied, as she nuzzled at the closest ear. She discovered a little batter clinging to the soft triangle, which she gently groomed off with her tongue. Derpy seemed to like that.

Pinkie went on, her voice growing more serious and truthful. “And you haven’t ever messed up at making me smile whenever I see you. You’re not going to mess up being my assistant either. We’re going to make another batch, and it’s going to be delicious. Better than the last one would have been, I bet.”

“Yeah...” sniffed Derpy, folding one of her hooves against Pinkie’s own. “Maybe.”

“And you’re definitely not stupid. Sure, you’re a little clumsy. So what? I’m a little crazy! But we’re not stupid. Someponies are just a little ... different, and that’s okay. It’s what makes you … makes us, special.”

“I just hate my eyes so much..” Derpy confessed with a heavy sniff.

“But ... why? Why would you hate a part of who you are?”

“Because, uh... they’re ugly. And they’re weird. Ponies laugh at them.”

Seeing this beautiful filly hating herself after all the smiles she had unknowingly given was just too much for Pinkie Pie’s kind heart to bare. No ... it was much more than that. It had always been much more than that. In a moment of decisiveness, she pushed herself forward, rolling Derpy onto her back and laying flat across her, belly to belly and face to face. Then she placed a hoof on either side of the other mare’s head and forced full eye contact - regardless of which eye she could make contact with.

After a long stare, Pinkie shook her head firmly and said, “Nope!”

“Um ... nope? Nope what?”

“Nope, they’re not ugly or weird! Okay, so maybe some ponies do laugh at them. Some of them are really stupid ponies that need to learn better. And then there are ponies like me!”

Derpy’s expression turned grave. “Are you saying you, uh, laugh at my eyes?”

“No, silly! I’m saying your eyes make me laugh.” Pinkie assured her, smiling. “It’s different. They’re so special they make me want to smile. Because ...”

The silence of the shop was quickly replaced by a feeling of great intimacy. The cold, stiff floor felt like a warm waterbed behind Derpy’s back. It wasn’t a moment before a blazing fireplace or a sunset being viewed from atop a cliff, but it may as well have been any of those things. Her stomach was tingling again.

"B-because?"

“Remember,” Pinkie continued, her voice growing warmer with every pause, “I’m the element of laughter. When something makes me want to smile, it becomes the most beautiful thing ever ... to me ..."

"You're the most beautiful thing ever." Derpy whispered without hesitation.

After many, many days of longing and gazing down Sugar Cube Corner from the clouds high above, it was all out now. The only pony that had ever made Derpy feel good about who and what she was had told her that she was beautiful, and she had responded truthfully. A weight was lifted from her chest ... and it wasn't Pinkie's.

“You’ve done quite a good job here, Pinkie!” Exclaimed Mrs. Cake, as she looked around the shop she’d so sorely missed.

Pinkie grinned sideways at Derpy Hooves. That clumsy girl had proven to be one heck of a maid. The place sparkled beautifully, and the shelves were lined with innumerable kinds of deliciously baked pastries. It was immaculate. Pinkie couldn’t help but wonder whether Derpy’s cutie mark had been soap bubbles all along.

“I had some help.” The pink pony giggled. “Derpy is the best … assistant I could ever ask for.”

Derpy blushed.

“Well then,” Mrs Cake continued, as she stepped behind the front counter and examined the take. There were a pleasant number of bits waiting for her. “Hmm. Hmm hmm! It would seem you go quite well together. What a team!”

The two giggled like a couple of school-fillies.

Mrs. Cake peered across the counter at them, her gaze piercing. “You know, I think we could easily afford another good worker like you, Derpy. Especially with the babies eating up so much of our time. We’re a big happy family here, you know. Think you’re ready to be a part of it?”

Even harder than before, Derpy blushed. She barely managed a nod.

Mrs. Cake shifted her eyes between the two girls and then chuckled lightly to herself as she went toward the door in search of Carrot and their two babes. “As a job, I mean. The rest is up to Pinkie. Goodnight, girls.”

“Goodnight!” Pinkie sang.

Derpy watched the kindly store owner walk out of view and then nudged Pinkie on the flank. “Um, did she just -”

“Welcome home!” Pinkie giggled, before silencing Derpy completely with her lips.

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