• Member Since 15th Jun, 2012
  • offline last seen Saturday


Cynical Brit.


"What do you see Rainbow?"
"Do you see the storm? The Lightning? Or the Rain?"
"Have you ever walked through a storm like this?"
"Felt at peace with the world?"
"While the chaos surrounds you?"

A look at how we deal with our own mortality and strength.

Chapters (1)
Join our Patreon to remove these adverts!
Comments ( 6 )

Yep, I rewrote this, in unusually good time too.
Those points that didn't quite fit, are probably still there.
The Meta tagging? I screwed around with into some misshapen form.
And the melancholy Rainbow? Unchanged.

But hey, look on the bright side, it's now a single chapter.
It's got that going for it. Right?

I definitely think a single chapter helps, though the transition between them could be longer, but then again, when I write stuff like this, I tend to go over the top so this is probably fine as is.

The mood, I feel, can be established a tad better through word choices and the phrasing of sentences. Not entirely sure how though, but it just feels as though it's missing that something that makes it a truly epic fic, you know? That spark. I think part of it is the descriptions you use give the entire scene a type of "anger and sad" feeling to it (which is what you were going for I believe), which I'm unsure is suitable for this reflective nature of this fic. I understand the storm is meant to be symbolic and used as a reflection of their discussion, but I think a better mood/description may have been "chaotic" which is not always "angry or sad". Of course, that one is entirely personal preference so take it with a large heaping of salt.

I really like the use of beat/music in the transition section. It's a constant theme that runs out through there, and I really think you could even extend it out further if you so desire. But in that middle section? Perfect. It's not so repetitive that it's easily identifiable or obnoxious, but often enough that it links everything together. It also gives a sense of order in chaos as music and beats are often ordered things with clear purposes and direction (which you touch upon with the description of them walking through the rain).

Um... yeah. You've pretty much done a great revision. Though you might want to revise the speaking at the start slightly. It would flow a lot better (and I think more grammatically accurate, though I'm very bad at grammar) to go:
"Have you ever walked through a storm?" One asked the other, not looking at her as she posed the question. Not waiting for an answer she continued, "Have you ever walked to a backdrop of natural fury, to a crowd of elemental rage?"
The other didn't look away from the sight either, contemplating the question put to her.
"I have. I have walked through the storm before."
Or something like that.

Invaluable advice as before. :pinkiehappy:
Thanks as always.
I doubt my grammar in any case, so I'm going with the benefit of the doubt on this one,
And I'm going to have to play a game more, specifically the one where you describe a state of being without stating the state itself. Anger and Sadness juxtaposed in such a way at time of writing that I saw them as creating a chaotic environment. Still see them as such, but can also see how it could be misinterpreted. Salt Pinched.

Transition stage? Plagued by writers block.
In the end I stopped because whatever I would add, would detract from the story.

Or something like that :)

Might I suggest the prereader's group on Fimfiction then? I use it myself and it's a really great resource.

Ah, I hadn't considered that juxtaposition, but now that you mention it, it's ridiculously obvious I feel silly. I do think you could make it tad clearer, but it's there now that I know what to look for.

Heh, originally I was going to say the transition could be longer, but at the same time, I was afraid that making it longer would inflate it too much without adding anything and detract too much. I'd say a paragraph or two at max giving it three very clear sections where the transition is all about symbols and stuff, would probably be what I'm comfortable with. Though then you have to be careful of not being symbolic for the sake of being symbolic and overdoing it. And this is why I don't write short stories. Balancing everything is too hard for me.

The storm is like what you said about being chained in the Luna one right?
Sonofabitch my head >.< so many complex philosophies. Seriously I like philosophy but your philosophy is too meta for me. Which probably means I should read your work more until I'm accustomed to such over my head thinking. You have a new pupil sensi.

-doom pie


It's all coming together...

Login or register to comment
Join our Patreon to remove these adverts!