The Spirit Stones. Thirteen stones which contain great and powerful spirits, bound by Star Swirl the Bearded himself, entrusted to the Princesses. But when Nightmare Moon was banished to the moon, they were lost, quickly relegated to legend, then myth, before fading from history altogether.
But when Twilight releases them by accident, they spread across Equestria, chaos following in their wake as they seek new masters.
Can Twilight and her friends stop the spirits in time, before Equestria is destroyed?
And what is their link to Gaia, the lost Alicorn of the earth?
Prepare to expect the unexpected.
Chapters (1)
By the power invested in me by the Goddess Eris Kallisti Discordia, I hearby claim FIRST POST.
Okay, here it is, Expect the Unexpected.
This story has gone through several changes. It started off as a Cardcaptor Sakura crossover (Which can still be seen in places, mainly the title), with a Love dodecahedron and everything. However, I noticed that I hadn't taken that many elements from the source work, so I decided to rename them (the clow cards became the spirit stones) rather than risk alienating people.
The first draft kept many of the aspects of the manga in it, including the love dodecahedron, as well as having a more slice of life feel to it. However, after a round of Proofreading thanks to Bronymaster, I deceied to tone down the SoL stuff and play up the Adventure stuff. I dropped the dodecahedron, not really sure how to pull it off, but there is still some romance in there (hence the tag).
There will still be some SoL stuff in here (including a drunken yet platonic slumber party (which was orginaly the first chapter), but the main focus of the story is stoping the spirit stones.
So enjoy.
I may or may not throw together a crappy cover pic in Inkscape. Won't be able to do so until Tuesday at the least though.
i1300.photobucket.com/albums/ag83/TrollestiaSubject/Trolly/my-little-pony-friendship-is-magic-brony-first.gif
Wait, what? you can take firsties
i1300.photobucket.com/albums/ag83/TrollestiaSubject/Discor/158863.gif
ooh i really like this and it is only the first chapter, i didnt even notice the CCS basis until you mentioned something, i did notice however that the book selection that twilight was looking at sounded suspiciously like they came from harry potter, because i am sure defensive magical theory was their DADA book for fifth year
I have noticed something rather odd, and perhaps purely coincidental, but in the story you have mentioned three books
I am certain that at least two of these three books were mentioned in passing in the Harry Potter series. At the very least the Charm Your Own Cheese is mentioned in the Harry Potter Series...
Also wonderful story i love it and wish for more
1721784>>1723375
Congratulations, you each win the prize of 1 Internet each. Don't spend it all at once now!
1720839
I am a worshiper of a pagan goddess of chaos. I get to do lots of things.
Huh. 7 favs, 5 likes and 2 dislikes.
Seems legit.
1723785 but but i want to ba able to charm my cheese
This review is brought to you by A-Ha (The group not the band)
Name: Expect the Unexpected
Grammar: I don't like out ten as it can be too arbitrary. Total error: 3.66% Grammar errors: .49%
Pros:
-I like the back story provided for Luna and Gaia
-The little bits of humor make it fun and keep me looking for the next nugget of humor.
-The chapter ending. It leaves several points of suspense and thus intriguing to see what happens next.
Cons:
-This is a personal problem, but I had to crack out my British to American spelling translator.
-I don't really have much past that.
Notes:
I would just like to point out a few errors I found specifically so you know what to look for.
-"Then came Discord": While not necessarily wrong, it could be touched on.
-The use of myself: In one instance you should have used I, as myself wouldn't make sense if the statement were made singular. I understand that you are trying to use Luna's character speech, but it throws it off a little. (I'm being nit-picky because I want you to be aware of it.)
-Its vs. It's: Prevalent several times near the beginning. "It's" is a contraction of "It is." "Its" shows possession.
-Misspelling of "enchantments" near the beginning.
-Indent the first line after each time you press enter. (This accounts for nearly all of the total error percentage. Automatic indention can be done easily in Word, Wordpad, and Google docs.)
-"An hour" not "a hour": This is where English gets weird. Even though "h" is a consonant, it is silent in "hour" and thus needs an "an" in front of it.
-"Neither:nor;Either:or": "Neither" must have "nor", just as "either" must have "or".
That covers just about everything I found grammatically or formatting-wise wrong. Errors aside, you have a very promising first chapter and I quite enjoyed it. I look forward to seeing what else you do with it.
1940938
Thanks for the review!
As for th British vs American thing, I'm British, so I tend to use the British variation of words (although cultural contamination can happen, especially with an American spellchecker.)
Thanks for the grammar help—I'm dyspraxic/dyslexic, so I really struggle with that. I always appreciate help on it!
And I think you have just given me inspiration to continue with this (I've been struggling with it for a while now).
This review brought to you by Authors Helping Authors.
Name: Expect the Unexpected
Grammar: 7.5. There are a few awkwardly-phrased sentences here and there, most of them having to do with how you sometimes combine action and dialogue in the same paragraphs. Overall there are quite a few places that could be made to flow better, but there are no major problems.
Pros:
- The characterization for the Mane 6 is done well; they all seem realistic and natural. I found Pinkie's sudden call for a group hug a little OOC though, but given that it's Pinkie, well, it's excusable.
- The premise and backstory seems interesting, and it's fairly clear that you've put a fair bit of thought into it, which is always nice to see. I can already get a sense of where the story is going at this point.
Cons:
- I feel the biggest issue here is your characterization of Luna. There is a LOT of emotional depths here you can plumb, but which you aren't. I'd focus a lot more on describing Luna's motions and reactions so as to truly convey the weight of her feelings. An example from the show: There's a blink-and-you'll miss it moment in Luna Eclipsed where a forlorn Luna pushes a piece of candy to the Nightmare Moon statue. In that little action can be interpreted a tremendous amount of emotional impact--Luna seems to be frightened of Nightmare Moon, and, as in the children's story, is offering candy so as to not be consumed by her. It's little actions like these that can really convey the emotional impact of Luna returning to the site of her old home. You start on that path, but you haven't gone as far down it as you could have.
With that said, if Luna is intended to be more minor of a character than I'm imagining, it wouldn't be something you really want to get into. But in that case I would urge you to make that clear from the beginning, because right now it seems like she's going to be the main character.
- You really need to explain how things as fragile as paper and books survive in the ruins. Even in a hot dry desert like in the Middle East, paper is hard-pressed to survive a thousand years. In wet conditions like in the Everfree (in a castle which, I remind you, is IN RUINS, thus implying that something powerful enough to destroy the castle has left paper perfectly readable) I wouldn't expect books exposed to nature like they should be in the castle to last more than a few decades at best. This would probably be as easy as saying there was a spell put on them, but you need to acknowledge it.
Overall, I think this story has a lot of potential and can go really far. I know I wrote a lot more for cons than I did pros, but don't think that means I think your story's cons outweigh the pros!
Hope you found this review helpful, and I would like you to review my story Fragment.
1946308
Thanks for the review!
Yeah, Luna was my biggest concern whilst writing it. As for the books, they were in a magic vault. I assumed that would have adequately solved it. I'll go back and add a few details to it.
1946858
Paper's more fragile than you think. Modern paper designed for durability will only be legible for several hundred years under optimal conditions, and the techniques used to make it were only developed in the 1950s. Wood-based papers made prior to this will have completely disintegrated by a thousand years even under the best of conditions.
The "magic vault" thing would probably solve it for most people, but I'm more of a stickler about these sort of details than most.
I think most of your readers won't care, so feel free to disregard this if you like.
1947845
Yeah, I'm also a stickler for details—I'm the sort of person who would create a ten page background for a throwaway background character. Hence the reason why my dialogue and characterisation aren't quite up to scratch—I don't practice them enough.
I'll add a line about magical perservation or something.