Twi's Love

TwiMac138 stories ·466 members

Twilight Sparkle has a crush on Big Mac but she dosen't know how to tell him that she likes him. She worries that Big Mac won't like her. Meanwhile In Sweet Apple Acres, Big Mac is having troubles too. He wonders if Twilight likes him. Will they get together?
This is my first fimfiction! Pls. Read it.

Chapters (2)

Chapter 1: Plans and Confessions · 17th Nov 2012 · 904 words
904
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Chapter 2: Stuff.... · 23rd Nov 2012 · 353 words
353
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Comments ( 14 )

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Star Plasma

Star Plasma #1 · Nov 24th, 2012 · · · Chapter 2: Stuff.... ·

Rrrgh. No. Don't make your chapters so short. People don't like it.

Twilight09867

Twilight09867 #2 · Nov 24th, 2012 · · · Chapter 2: Stuff.... ·

1671136 I'll try to fix it up

Star Plasma

Star Plasma #3 · Nov 24th, 2012 · · · Chapter 2: Stuff.... ·

1671182 Thanks... and take the above fellow's advice as well.

Deep Pond

Deep Pond #4 · Nov 24th, 2012 · 1 · · Chapter 2: Stuff.... ·

Hi-ho, Deep Pond of the Train Wreck Explorers here! I have a snazzy hat and everything. I'm here to give your story a looking-over.

i284.photobucket.com/albums/ll29/Lord_Talisman/mlfw5283-Fluffle_letsdothis_zps81d6c5cb.jpg

This is my first fimfiction! Pls. Read it.

Um . . . okay. First, people are going to read or not read based on the description, and asking them to "Pls. Read it" is not going to get anyone to do so. It also looks very unprofessional.

Word of warning: "it's my first fic" will not save you from criticism. Not saying you're using it as a shield, I just thought I'd mention it.

On to the story itself, and OH GOD NO!

*is crushed under a wall of text*

Okay! First piece of advice: double-space your paragraphs. It makes your story a lot more readable, and nopony is going to like it if they can't read it, right?

New speaker, new paragraph. Always. No exceptions. None. Ever.

Write out numbers. "Second," not "2nd."

Words should have spaces between them. Specifically, there should be one space in between each pair of words: no more, no less. This

Rainbow Dash,Rarity,Applejack,Pinkiepie

is wrong.

Pinkie Pie, not Pinkiepie. Apple Bloom, not Applebloom. Sweetie Belle, not SweetieBelle.

Always capitalize proper names and titles, the first word of every sentence, and the word "I" when referring to the speaker.

"Okay...... I'll tell you who my crush is..... Big Mac..."

See those dots? Those are called ellipses (singular ellipsis). There should always be three of them in a set, not two, not four, not five.

"I dare you to....*psssst*.... *whisper*......"

Putting actions in between asterisks works for forums and IMs, but not in actual writing. Describe what's happening. In that case, you would put something like "The pegasus leaned over and whispered in Twilight's ear."

You have a bad case of show-don't-tell. Instead of just telling us something, describe it. Elaborate. Use all five senses. Paint a picture. Let us see what you see when you think of the scene.

Example:

Twilight was preparing for a sleepover. Her 2nd one yet and her friends, Rainbow Dash,Rarity,Applejack,Pinkiepie and Fluttershy were so excited. It was to be held at Rarity's home. She was so excited. Spike was coming along too. "You're getting to excited Twi. Calm down before you forget something."

Leaving aside the grammar issues for now, what does this tell us? Twilight was excited. How bland.

It was almost time for the sleepover! Twilight Sparkle surveyed the main room of her library home for the dozenth time. This was only her second sleepover, and the first with all five of her best friends present, and everything had to be perfect. Double-checking the checklist, she eyed the stack of books on sleepover games, the snacks, the fresh cider, then make-up kit . . . everything her book had insisted she would need.
She danced in place, unable to keep from grinning like a loon. This was going to be so much fun! She had learned a lot from her first sleepover, and she couldn't wait for everypony to get here. Filled with nervous energy, she pranced over to the snack table, lining up the bowls of dip just so, and removing an errant carrot stick that seemed a hair longer than regulation length. She glanced at the checklist again.
"Sheesh, Twilight, calm down," Spike said. "You're going to wear yourself out and fall asleep before midnight at this rate."

See how that shows Twilight's excitement without explicitly saying "Twilight was excited?" That's what I mean.

Also, your pacing is pretty darn fast. We go from "Sleepover time!" to revealing Twi's crush in less than 300 words. That is absurdly fast. You could devote an entire 2,000+ word chapter to the sleepover, and have Twi's reveal 3/4 of the way through it. The fact that Mac likes Twilight is tacked on at the end, and frankly feels like an afterthought; if you're going to follow McIntosh's point of view, it really deserves its own chapter

This isn't a bad concept, but you need to work on your craft quite a bit. I sincerely hope you do, as I want you to learn and get better. Remember, everypony sucks at writing when they start out, but it's the drive to improve that separates good writers from the rest.

Good luck!

i.imgur.com/3lZia.png?1
Deep Pond, TWE's knight of Gak

Twilight09867

Twilight09867 #5 · Nov 24th, 2012 · · · Chapter 2: Stuff.... ·

1671240 Thanks for the advice I'll try it. I'm just a little bit busy, can I use that idea of yours for chapter 1?

Deep Pond

Deep Pond #6 · Nov 24th, 2012 · · · Chapter 2: Stuff.... ·

1671370
You mean showing Twilight's excitement? Sure, but I strongly encourage you to practice and find your own voice. My writing style reflects me, and you'll develop your own unique style with time.

Twilight09867