My name is Thomas "Cross" Kirby. I've dropped into Hell feet first countless times. What I'm about to tell you is not only classified, but it's crazy, even if you've been to one of the Forerunner Halos or Shield Worlds. This is something different. This is something not even the Forerunners could have known about. This enters a new dimension altogether. This is my story of Equestria.
Contains minor gore (wounds bleeding) and explicit language (shit, fuck, etc).
Check my user page if you wish to know the status of the self-/peer-editings of my stories. Note that I want to complete most of them before I start going back and self-editing, which will happen before I have my peers edit them.
Chapters (11)
I love Halo
I love ponies.
But I've yet to see a fantastic crossover. Have a review -
First chapter is...well besides the fact that it actually breaks one of the few site rules unless I'm quite mistaken - (the first chapter of a fic MUST contain some connection to FiM. If it's going to come in later, rewrite it so that it comes in earlier)
It's also extremely short, and an exposition dump. That is, it's giving us all this info - a whole tun'a tuna can of info, all crammed in there. There's not really anything that SHOWS us who this character is, other than that we're told he's an ODST.
A lot of it is a bit of gratuitous description - if he's an ODST, than by default he's (Agent Tex is-) -a bit of a badass. All that schlick about the farms and the names and the insurgents is surplus. It doesn't really serve the story all that much.
CHAPTER the second
has the...opposite problem?? dafuq? It's pure dialogue. Now, dialogue is a good thing, but I've got nothing to know what the derp is happening. It's just Oh hye there's Sparatans too, oh hey pony with a shotgun, oh something Pinkie Pie?
OPINION - I think you need to work on finding a balance between exposion, scene setting, actions and dialogue. Each plays a part that supports and gives context to the others. 'til then...this is just another mediocre halo fic. dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/shrug_Derpy_Hooves.png
1626768 I am very aware that Chapter Two sucks ass. I am very dissatisfied. But I am writing TWO stories at the same time, and I am just blasting through right now. Once I get everything out, I will go back to fully rewrite sections and chapters as I see fit. But I see Chapter One as a fine way to simply start, which isn't needed at all. Actually, I'll go right now and rename it to Prologue.
1626768 Also, him being an ODST, if you know about the ODSTs from Halo 3: ODST, would say he's a badass. But nothing is meant to state that. It's assumed if you are a big enough fan to know the backstory of ODSTs. Which is not like how the Freelancers are either; they show their badass-ness in the animated seasons of Red Vs Blue, beating the crap out of people like nobodies business.
1626768 And, back to my first reply, it looks like I had already mentioned in the summary that I will be writing everything once through and then come back to fix it. Next time, read the entire summary.
I have 8 likes and 3 dislikes, and 60 chapter views, 113 total views (including the staff who made sure it follows the rules). Yet I see one comment which tries to be of help but is just a stating of what I know: my story is imperfect. If you see something you like/dislike, say so. And specify why you like/dislike the detail from the story. Any help will help with not only the improvement of this story, but of all my other stories, fanfic or not.
MOAR
A new chapter will be up once every Saturday except the coming Saturday due to being gone for my great grandma's funeral. So, this Wednesday, Chapter Two will be up. Then next Saturday, Chapter Three will be up.
You need to clean up your description or people won't read it. A description with bad: grammar, spelling, or descriptions tend to make people pass over the story without reading it.
1632438 What? I can't help that it opens to the rest of it underneath.
I wonder if any one has made a shipping with human and pony with halo...
1635020 CortanaxCelestia?
The weapons they have?
denver.mylittlefacewhen.com/media/f/img/mlfw2657-Oh_you.png
Nice TF2 referencing chapter, by the way.
1635321 XD I couldn't think of anything better than the TF2, since those do rather fit them for the most part in real life.
MOAR
1642177 Wait until Wednesday. ;P
Having not read the story yet I feel like I'm going to
hatedislike it, but thats what I thought about some other fics and they turned out to be my favorites. So I'm going to give this a fair chance and read it.1648630 Kkat has proven that crossovers can be fantastic with Fallout: Equestra. It's just a matter of achieving that level of excelence.
MOAR
1657923 Wait until next Friday. ;P
the best thing ive have ever read
1657977 *begins the wait*
1657996 It will be up at 10:50 to 11:18 AM Pacific Standard Time (-8) for sure. ;)
1657986 Did the Gilda ownage please you?
1658098 YEESSS!!!!
1658311 Totally inspire by Red Vs Blue's Project Freelancer.
Awesome
1661861
Awesome… but short
1666825 It's obviously not done, both by reading it and by looking down at the "Incomplete".
Lol I meant the chapter
1669829 Well, yeah, it's how I do things. It's how I have always done things. But these are by far the longest of any. For the most part. I've had 5~ page long chapters with older stories.
Well I like where this is going so far.
However, the ODST being a brony is... a bit of a turn off for me. Would MLP even exist 550~ years in the future?
But hey, it's your story. I do think his shock could have been portrayed and prolonged a bit better.
The action seems a bit rushed. Especially when the ODST is trying to take out the snipers in Canterlot. That was a perfect opportunity for you, the writer, to plunge us, the readers, into the mind set of a sniper, and the deadly game of cat and mouse that snipers play. I was hoping for something kind of like that WW2 movie, "Enemy at the Gates".
Also, the gun Gilda uses, as big as it was described (breaking glass off of stained-glass windows from nearby) makes me wonder if even that glancing blow on his helmet would have been enough to take his head off anyway; or at least cause more damage than a ping and mild headache. Juts my two bits.
The conversations are a little tricky to follow. A little too often I was confused as to who was saying what, in this chapter and the previous one. even adding a simple Character Y said or Person X stated would help greatly. That said, some of the conversations felt rushed, lacking depth.
May want to consider spacing your paragraphs. I have no problem with it, but some people easily get headaches from walls of text. Adding a space between each paragraph will help. Spelling and grammar is for the most part good, but there's still a lot of mistakes.
Eagerly awaiting more! This is exciting.
Edit: On a note after reading some of your comments. If you know it's bad already, why not take the time to fix it before posting? Why wait and do a rewrite later? Why rush through?
And to be honest, setting a deadline posting date for yourself is a bad idea. I tried to do that, and it was very stressful. And that was with just ONE story (I'm doing almost four now. [Only two are posted, but I'm fleshing out ideas for two more]). Simply put, chapters come when they come. Writing stories isn't homework: there is no due date, and if the readers can't accept that... well...
1671462 I do it because I would like it and I want to do it since I am outputting a ton. I rush through posting it at all because, otherwise, I double back, correct, then never get the story done because I've moved on. I'm WAY ahead of schedule, so, instead of letting loose like I did with the last two, I'm pacing it to weekly chapters. I have one done and ready, the next is written out, the next is started, and so on. I blast through. Because it's how I roll. And yes, there are errors. It's first time. I will come back at a later date. But I want to at least do a one-time through so I don't completely satisfy myself with what I got and then be "Meh, I don't want to think and write something new for the story!" Which I have done numerous times. I know how I work, and I manage myself to meet my own wants. Don't like it? Deal with it somehow. I can't please everyone.
Also, notice that they automatically space the stuff, a bit too much for my liking. So I'm leaving it as that. The lines have half-spacing and paragraphs get a whole 1.5 spacing. More than enough.
1677686
[bI know how I work, and I manage myself to meet my own wants. Don't like it? Deal with it somehow. I can't please everyone.]
Not trying to tell you what to do. Just trying to offer advice to help, that's all.
And some people still feel that way with the 1.5 spacing. *shrug* like I said, I don't care whether it's spaced or not. Just decided to add that since someone else mentioned it on one of mine, that's all.
1678694 It's sectioned off enough. It's no block of text on the site. It's not neat at all on the site, honestly. If they don't like how it looks, copypasta it into something that they can format it. I won't try to resize or anything since it will ruin the entire word count. At least, until they FINALLY get that fixed.
1626768 I checked the rules of posting. This was in the don't do part: "•Stories that are not related in any way to the Friendship is Magic universe. Your story must be related to the universe at the time of submission, otherwise it will be rejected." Chapter 1/Prologue and Chapter 2/Chapter 1 were both needed to publish the story, and Ch 2/Ch 1 takes place in Ponyville itself, so, it got accepted.
WOO UPDATE
1714230 Every Friday.
1714664 ohhhhhh...forgot *giggle*
i thougt i was first
1716620 Oh, I see. *delete* I don't do that shit.
For those of you who have noticed that it is marked as complete, do not fret! That just means I have typed up everything. The last chapter is called EPILOGUE and will be out January 25th, if I've done my calendar-math right.
I apologize for the delay, but Friday was a busy day and I got distracted from publishing Chapter 5. I shall give a little gift with double chapters on Christmas (one is for the week), so look forward to that after this week's chapter. ;)
1836520 I detect spam.
Merry Christmas! Enjoy the double chapters!
Since it's just the short Epilogue, I'll release the final chapter Tuesday, which is New Year's. Enjoy!
Happy New Year's! I will be off tonight and tomorrow morning, so I went ahead and did it now for you guys. And, yes, I will come back one day and have an overhaul of it all.
what a way to end "I challenge you to be braver than an ODST. For the sake of us all. Be heroes."