- Member Since 19th Jun, 2012
- offline last seen Dec 23rd, 2016
Ariaks
Just a brony who wants to take up some writing.
Ariaks
Joined 19th Jun, 2012 ·
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wow
Consider yourself earning a proofreader. Errors in spelling and grammar I can do. As for writing style...I can give some tips, but in essence make it more....detailed. Emotive. Narrative. You aren't giving a report, you're telling a story. As Mark Twain brilliantly put it: "Don't tell us the old lady screamed, bring her in and let her scream."
I don't know how I found this, but I'm glad I did.
Also, it would be "Bucking".
Small note.
Gotta agree with Knight of Cerebus here. Feels a bit rushed, hollow, shallow, I guess. Lacks substance?
The stronger the main story, the stronger the punch line.
All in all though, good work.
Begin assesment:
While slightly fast-paced for me, it was a solid story for its... kind. The grammer was a bit off a damper, but nothing that made the story unenjoyable. I thought the orgasm discriptions were lacking, but I got the idea. Overall, little fast but a very good story.
1983383
Cool, if you don't mind, could you maybe send me a PM of corrections to make on the fic. I know this isn't written well, so I'd like to make it look and sound nicer.
Also, you're right, that's a pretty brilliant quote. I award two mustaches!
I can feel my brain cells committing suicide, one by one.
Still, that ending caught me off-guard.
I LOLD SOOOO HARD!
~~Flutter-Shy~~
so what really made her small
I lol'd at the end
1984261 will do. Would you like me to provide you with some pointers on how to keep the audience enthralled in your various dithering yarns and riveting tales while I'm at it?
I don't understand why people are being so harsh on this, it's a clop fic, not some three hundred page romance novel. Accept it for what it is and move on. If you didn't like it fine, but don't go around saying the writer is the worst person ever for writing it. (I'm being intentionally, overly sarcastic here.)
As for the story itself. I have to agree of Cerebus there, it was a bit rushed and lacking in detail. That being said, I felt that this is a good base to work from, read through and flesh it out a bit. Above all, don't be in such a hurry to get to "the luvin'" Take your time, make us want to see these two end up together, make us feel the love shared between these two; the longing, the satisfaction of finally being able to share that special moment with each other.
DO NOT change that ending, it was pure comedic gold!
One last thing, Don't listed to D-bags like Didact who thinks because they've taken English courses in College they're an expert in writing. Also, notice that the guy hasn't written anything or put anything on this site for the scrutiny of others, he'd much rather sit around and bash on others to make himself seem superior. Do not listen to people like this, keep writing!
1984815 Thanks for making my point.
1984853 "He swings, he misses"
Wow, angry much? No my point is your need to feel superior to others. You assumed I didn't see the story on your profile page and you're right, the first time I didn't and that's mostly because I don't go looking for stories in people blog posts. As for the quality of said story, I can't judge because I know nothing of the Halo universe and to be honest, have never been interested in the game.
In every post and response (at least on this page) you are rude, condescending, and display an overinflated sense of superiority towards others. If you didn't like the guys story, then simply say "hey, this could use some work, you need to flesh it out a bit" but instead you chose to be a prick about it. Even in your response you admit you were being a bit of a d-bag but then you went ahead and made the whole thing about you, again. Even in your responses about me, you had to go right to the insults. Apparently anyone who doesn't agree with the all powerful Didact is a troll who is incapable of thinking. I would suggest you think before typing.
This is the last I'm going to say on this issue so if you want to troll, have fun. Critiquing is okay and even encouraged but in the future don't be a jerk about it k?
1984305
I will respond to this with one single statement. It is a clopfic, if you're looking for a Stephen King novel, you're looking in the wrong place. Now, please go away before I report you for fighting with several people in the comments section. I will delete all of your comments thus far, please do not post again.
1985737 sorry, i didn't mean to start anything in a thread for your story.
1986118
No problem man! You were calm and collected, just voicing your opinion. Plus I found most of your comments entertaining.
yes after reading through the whole thing I do have to agree at least slightly with one thing said by others, slightly rushed other than that I liked it. it was good and that ending if you ever do a rewrite, keep that ending
Bro, that was good
1984772 no, listen to obnoxious English students like me who will spout their pretentious crap in a friendly and encouraging way
To finish the story...
Luna looks up and stares at Celestia then down at twilight now back up to Celestia..."well seems like you figured it out first." Now I think I have the Sickness as well can I borrow twilight?"
1988746
That's right! I don't care how much crap you spout. Just so long as you do it in a friendly way!
1987382
I do plan on going through and correcting most of the errors and make other parts sound better. I definitely plan on keeping the ending. I don't usually compliment myself, but it was pure comedic genius on my part.
Dat ending...
I liked it.. and its so romantic too
Bwaahahahaha!
Lost it.
Luna: ALL YOU NEED IS A GOOD FUCKING!!!
WHAT!!!
I never thought I would hear Luna say that.
The clop was decent, but the ending was AMAZING. Overall, I'll give it a thumb-up and a fav~
~Raxel~
"Sister, the only thing thou requires tis a good fuckin'!"
Great story and what the heck Luna
P.s. maybe you can read my story called my day in ponyvilles
I think Luna had a hand in this.......
A little too fast paced and too... clinical. No real emotion in the sex scene.
Ending was funny as hell, though.
*then luna saw celestia big size, then twilight*
denver.mylittlefacewhen.com/media/f/img/mlfw3288-1330693914080.png
Awkward... Lol. Fun story.
first off i don't usually comment on anything, but three things i thought were really funny were:
Both guards stood, dumbfounded. "Oh, so that was Twilight... I guess it's alright, then." Both guards went back to simply standing in place. "I was really hoping that I would be able to stab something today." sighed the guard
the "urgent summons"
and when Luna came in
static.fjcdn.com/pictures/By_a78fa4_2337236.jpg
That was awesome.
Great story. That last part with Luna I didn't see coming and had me cracking up. Great work and thanks for sharing.
I must say that this is an absolutely spectacular story. Normally I'm not into clopfics but I do take a liking to TwiLestia stories, especially ones like this. I sure didn't expect Luna to show up in the end though, that had to be embarrassing for Twi and Tia. You get a 10 out of 10 on this one.
+ 
= best ship and best clopfic ship
Luna arrives on time once again!
... leave it to Auntie Luna.
That was adorable. And very true to character "so you were bored and needed company" well it was urgent to me....