• Member Since 27th Jul, 2011
  • offline last seen 6 hours ago

MetalGearSamus


No bio here. Just a box.

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In an isolated region near the southwestern coast of post-apocalyptic Equestria, a single Changeling has awoken. Unprepared and unaided except for an unknown voice in his head, he must survive the Wasteland’s horrors and find love in a land filled with hate.

This fanfiction is based on the fanfiction "Fallout Equestria," by Kkat, which can be found on Equestria Daily.

Chapters (22)
Comments ( 156 )

this is a first, never seen a changeling as the protagonist in a FoE story so im definitely watching this

Interesting... :moustache:

Obligatory "because we needed another one" comment here.

fluttershy.pl/moon/src/1359726938363.jpeg

Definitely an interesting premise. I will be following this one.

I'm gona watch this just to see if you can make your main character a hero or not. Or were you planing to write a story from a villians point of veiw?

Very orginal, I wanted to write something like this. I look forward to more.

Changeling in the wasteland..... Freaking love it. Just sayin.
But anyways, onto more "professional" praises. The writing is nice and fluid and I really enjoy the mystery element given to it from not only the fact that he's the only changeling he knows but the voice that talks to him as well.
I can't wait to see how it develops further, especially with the pip buck being able to ferret out a changeling's intentions when they are under the guise of another pony.
Keep up the great work! :heart: :pinkiecrazy:

Hmm another fallout equestria with changeling as main hero huh
but i need to say that one is quite well written. At least something what resemble real fallout world fell not like rest of fics what is totally based on bethecrap failout and throw everything in without good introduction first.

2229150 :rainbowderp:
Uh, it's not taking place after FO:E. The sky's still completely covered. I made very sure to point that out.

for some reason i like fallout stories with changlings in it

>Prologue
The first line and a half is excellent, but the sudden transition into "And then the ponies and zebras died" is a little too sudden.

For example.
>Every nation that falls is a people destroyed, and at the end of the war between Ponies and Zebras the people of Equestria were nearly annihilated.

Right after 'destroyed' threw me off a little. I would maybe expand on this a little, instead of jumping straight to "And all of Equestria died", maybe expand on how BOTH civilizations were destroyed.

Another jarring bit, you jump from that with the bridge of 'Not all people were so lucky"

I would use the basis of 'nations' you have established before to bridge these two paragraphs.

For example, speak of how both the pony nation and Zebra nation were destroyed and trudged through hundreds of years of death and decay.

Then, to bridge, say "But they were the lucky ones" (except less cheesy).

This is a much more jarring thing to the reader after the horror you just spelt out for the ponies and zebras, and bridges along nicely to an explanation of what happened to the Changeling Nation/Empire.

Overall, good, but it wouldn't hurt to meat it up a bit. Fallout Equestria fics are criticized for dragging out their prose, but don't be afraid to expand a bit, especially when building upon a nuclear holocaust.

But like I said, so far so good. Nothing bad. And believe me, I've read bad.

>Chapter 1
Prose is a bit iffy, but this is normal for beginning chapters. If you go on and find your prose improving drastically, think of returning here and seeing if you can touch up on any weak areas.

>Chapter 1
Prose is a bit iffy, but this is normal for beginning chapters. If you go on and find your prose improving drastically, think of returning here and seeing if you can touch up on any weak areas.

>Queens ramblings

I quite like this idea. The text dump of it, I'm not so sure. I would almost say just break up the whole thing and have it playing in the background of his head as he wanders into the new world below.


>and we know their habits and moods; and by the end of a week we have ensnared their lover!

The words of the Queen swept into my mind. Unfortunately, I knew, they were a bit of an exaggeration, especially now that I was alone and starving.


Like this was great, though I'm not sure what I think of a changeling drone doubting their queen's words. I guess you want to stray from making the MC a bit of an uninteresting mindless pawn, but to be honest... I was almost HOPING there would be some of this in the writing. Would definitely help stray him from a regular main character.

Good job continuously reinforcing how he's driven by instinct (contradicting my point a little above, heh). Helps paint him more of a weak animal scavenger, which was awesome to read.

Well done overall. Can't really say what I would want you to do/build off of from this chapter as I need to read the other two before such a thing is possible.

It's not a very good idea to have a prologue this short with nothing else. Should have been a part of the first chapter.

Well. I'ma follow this, even if it was a shock to me. I mean...I'm writing a FO:E fic of my own, and...well. Same name...heh. Quite a shock :twilightsheepish: I mean...doesn't bug me, just surpised. I bet this will be good :3 The fic, I mean. Changelings are fun~ :pinkiehappy:

I agree with 2229150 about the Pipbuck. I see the Changelings as akin to the Android you meet in Fallout 3. Your Pipboy doesn't tell you he's an Android, you have to figure out who he is on your own.

I'm liking this. It would use a but more proof-reading but it's good. Nice original premise and all. My only qualms are with the "NC's" seeing as this is pre-littlepip and NCR-type groups are becoming a cliche in FO:E sidefics now. It's alright though.

This is one of the most interesting side-stories I've seen in a while, and very well-written too. I enjoyed these first few chapters a hell of a lot, and I'm really looking forward to where it goes from here. :pinkiehappy:

...I'm also feeling rather anxious, as you haven't seemed to have updated in over two months. This fic is still being written, right? I'd be really disappointed if it wasn't...

2687234
Yes, it is still being written. I've just been very busy with school and a little stuck with writer's block, but don't worry. I expect to get the next part out by the end of this month at the latest. After that things should speed up a bit.

So lets begin reading this story. There are to few changelings in the wasteland, so always nice to meet a new one.

As Half-a-Yolk said, this is way way to short. A good prologue are minimum 500 words long, just enough to actually say something but not beginning to drag out. Another important thing is to hook your reader, to throw something out to us that are different from all the other stories. To show us what makes your story special. Sure you have a changeling, and say that, but the way that you say it make it sound like a fact. That your main character just is there instead of making it personal and us the readers curios.

I would say re do it all. Sit down and think over what there makes your piece of the wasteland into yours and not others, and then write this again.

Very, very good. :twilightsmile:
I was beginning to think the story was discontinued, and I'm glad I was proven wrong. :pinkiehappy:
Keep rocking on. :heart:

Kindly,
~Sinrar

I think making those inside heads dialogue smaller size + italic would be better than just italic

Oh this is looking good

2905794 Why? Just italics looks fine to me.

I'm disappointed that this story isn't nearly as popular as it should be, because it's great! Nice chapter, and keep up the good work! :pinkiehappy:

Well Garlic got what he deserved and I like the ghoul, the mute. Good chapter again, :yay:

Allies assemble! Looks like our channeling friend has found some ponies who don't instinctively hate him. This is going to be interesting, I see that the plot's moving along nicely...

Great chapter! Keep it up!

Is [protagonist]/Rolling Stone a thing that's actually happening? Really interested in that, and I'd rather know that it's at least going to be ambiguous from here on out...

I hope he finds a way to get out of the collar again and good chapter again :yay:

I maintain that this is the single most underrated FO:E fic out there. It's almost depressing how little attention this story gets.
Another great chapter! Looking forward to the next! :pinkiehappy:

Equestira

*Equestria

new law or something be we

*but
Definitely needs some proofreading/betaing, but it's pretty good so far.

I could only disguise as ponies who were alive.

Erm, what about Tumbleweed, then? He's still alive after being abandoned out in the wastes with multiple broken bones? Or can he only continue using a dead pony's shape if he changed into them right as they died?

Don’t disuse as him!

*disguise

I disguised as Boysenberry.

Amusingly, my inner grammar nazi is torn. If we weren't talking about a changeling, I would think you had accidentally a word, but the shapeshifting abilities make the sentance work as written even though it feels a little awkward.

I had almost leap on

*leaped

Mindlessness has once face.”

*one

irrelivent

*irrelevant

expression giving a huating edge

*haunting

might be a good thibg to look into

*thing

I don't have editors

You might want to fix that. This is a good fic, and having someone to catch your spelling mistakes can only make it better.

Good luck, little monster. :raritywink:

3399548
Thanks so much for the compliment. I do wish it got more views, but I'm just really glad that those who do read it like it so much. And I'm looking forward to the next chapter too. I've been wanting to write its scenes for a long time.


3416432
Heh, thanks for all the help. You wouldn't be interested in being a pre-reader/editor, by chance? :twilightblush: It probably wouldn't take up much more of your time than reading it normally would. PM if you are interested, but otherwise thanks, and I hope you enjoy the rest of this story when it comes.

Just found this wandering around, and this. . . this is awesome.

Off the "read later" and onto "favorites" with this one :raritystarry:

Wonder what their opinion of Changelings is

Oi pony eating :fluttershbad:

"You follow me out and either help me fight them or distract them so I can take them from behind."

Yeah, take them from behind! :trollestia:

Ah, the ever-shifting loyalties of Wastelanders. You don't get to see that very often, so this was a fun chapter. Even though Tumbleweed is one of the "bad guys", he had a lot more reason to hate Worker than vice-versa, and yet he teamed up with him anyway. Nice to see these characters not just being one-note generic slavers.

Oh yeah, right: We finally have a name for our protagonist! "Worker"!
...The guy isn't very creative, is he?

The speed of this update was pretty awesome. I don't expect you to write this quickly for future chapters, but it was a very nice and unexpected treat to get the email saying this had updated. Keep up the good work!

I like what you're doing so far here. The learning style of our friend here is very nice, love the whole hereditary memory thing he's got going. At least I think that's what it is, could just be old memories though, since I have a feeling he was around during wartime.

Either way, great start, I look forward to seeing what happens with "Tumble".

Interesting! I look forward to see where this is going.
As Camo said, the learning experience is a very nice take on how a changeling would be after so long in slumber, and a very nice take on how he comes to find himself in the wasteland too.
Definitely going to give this a proper read (not that I was skimming this chapter, I just mean read the rest of it.)
Sorry I don't have a lot to say!

Wait wait wait... New Canterlot? I mean, unless you mean this is post-pip with the New Canterlot Republic... but then you also mention Red Eye as if he's still around.
Doesn't make any sense to me. I mean, I know that the sky is all cloud covered and you said that to Regolit, but yeah, that's a (semi) big matter of confusion that personally, I think you should've tried to avoid.
New Canterlot is a canon group spawned from the end of the original, so you understand the issue here, yeah?

Oh fucking brutal killing with the fangs, I like it! Mind you, this is coming from someone who happily writes about a manticore eating ponies in defence of her master, so I don't know if its a good thing to listen to me.

The fact that our protagonist was supposedly red on the PipBuck confuses me, but hey, the pony could've been lying. Still, such are things.
Definitely a good read so far!

Pretty brutal raider scene. You love getting downright harsh, don't you?
Seeing Bulbs is pretty cool. Interesting backstory on Chard by the way.
The thief is someone we'll see again, I'm sure. Perhaps our protagonist will find him in the short future and tackle him or something, give back the silencer?
Oh, and interesting goings on with the whole NC and SR situations.
I wonder if sleeping undisgused will cause any issues...

Good chapter, really enjoying this. May or may not continue onto the next chapter right now. I'll decide in a sec. Also, sorry there's not a huge amount of discussion from me on lots of things, I simply don't have a lot to say.
You're doing good though.

Good feelsy start to the chapter with the missing his hive thing.
Not being able to disguse oneself as any generic pony, or a dead pony? I suppose this is a balancing feature in their powers, so I'll hand you that. I wouldn't have thought of doing that myself however.

Ya know what? Me being me, I would've been straight about everything with Spare Parts by this point.
Explained I wasn't really him, that I wasn't the one who enslaved her but that I had saved her.
Massive emotion reward and possibly accepted despite being a 'monster'.
Not saying you're doing it wrong or anything, just what I personally would do in his situation.

OOoooooh, I get it. Those little messages are from the Queen and not some internal monologue. I wasn't sure which of the two it was.
Interesting history lesson and seeing Spare Parts being possibly dead is a shame.

I'm up to the line: 'The first I saw of Garlic’s Plantation were the watchtowers.' - though this is a bookmark of sorts for myself. Just being lazy about how I go about it is all.

Enjoying the chapter so far.

'The fence looks sturdy' looks, to me, sounds more of a dialogue choice of tense. Looked may be a past tense phrasing, but to me sounds more natural.
Preference, I know, but just a small suggestion. Ignore or consider it at your own leisure.

You know how much a I hate that,” - think you added an extra a there. Either that or its a weird speech mannerism.

I do find that the story is skipping a lot of moments that could potentially be utilised if expanded upon.
Such moments being times like when the protagonist changes into a filly then guard - or when there's a guard slowing down his plans at night. Things like that, ya know?
Might just be the way you want to handle things, the direction you're taking it in, but yeah. Could make for nice little moments if they had more detail.
I mean, there'd be more tenseness if we read about -how- he almost got caught twice rather than simply being told 'I almost got caught twice' but instantly knowing he didn't. Ruins any chance for suspense right there.

Glad to see the memory orb was used as a trap. Worked well and made sense. Well handled in how the protagonist should stealthily take down a target without killing them.
I have a theory that perhaps he doesn't need them to be alive as such, but rather, not know they've died?
Maybe.
Anyway, cool chapter and as before, eagre to see where it goes!

Really cool start to the chapter. Nice and relaxed.
And then the Changling gets too into the act and everything fucks up from there.
Again, it may just be the way you want it to be, but there's oh so much detail you hint towards but instead of showing us how things went down, you simply tell us that they happened and leave it there.
Since I've not got a reply from you about it, I don't know what to think. Is it how you wanted it to be? Is this all but a sidenote to the story? Or is it missed opportunities?

didn’t we just say we’re tired of ponies dieing? Maybe we can talk this out—” - dying, not dieing
With very rare exceptions and in the case of names, never use e with ing. Y replaces the ie.

Okay, so there goes my theory that the protagonist simply can't know they're dead, they HAVE to be alive.

Again, back to the e-ing rule. Goring.

'She was reloading her shotgun now.' - something about this sentence just doesn't feel right to me. Might I suggest something like 'With that, she began to reload her shotgun confident in what time she had' or something to that effect?

'I then remembered that this gun was out of bullets. Morning Bell grinned: she remembered too.' - again, the sentence seems weird, but this time it's because of the semi colon usage. I mean, it's probably within the writing rules, but I prefer when as little 'outside' factors are involved. May just be me though.
Alternatively, simply changing it to a semi-colon-comma [ ; ] would also alleviate this issue because that's what they're made for and feel less unnatural because o fit.

...that cutie mark is hell'uva close to Velvets. Not keen on that at all. Sorry. I mean, I understand that there are ponies with similar cutie marks to one another in the show, but usually its because they're related. The apple family being a perfect example. All related so they all have apples for cutie marks.
This guy... maybe we'll see a good reason, but right now it doesn't sit too well with me, sorry.
...and confirmation that he teleports.
See. Twilight teleports because her talent is magic. I'm sure there are other ponies who can teleport, absolutely, but it seems weird that a pony whose talent seems to be singing(?) would know how to teleport, even if his tongue had been cut out and likely made to learn new spells from that.
I don't know, it all just seems very overpowered for a stallion to come along and basically deus ex machina the protagonist to safety and THEN tell him to go to the mountains before teleporting away.
--Don't forget that Twilights teleports, thus far, have all been very short distance ones.
Maybe you'll get me on the other side of the fence about this in time, but I'm not keen on this guy. Sorry.

...why is 'me' not in itallics when the rest of the sentence about chasing that stallions tail are?
That's completely abrupt and pointless to stop the itallics. I understand where you're coming from, but no, please don't do that. Not only is it an outside source speaking, and thus by your own definition, requiring itallics, but also it pulls a 180* on what it SHOULD be like and thus kills it in that respect.

The peach red of late noon was working its way across the cloudcover by the time we reached our destination. I, undisguised again, could see it, an old building at the end - too many commas in short succession, even when using the rule of comma in the way you did.
Break it into a new sentence after the words 'see it' and you're golden.

I suppose this beast would be a 'hospital horror' aka abomination? What were they called... centaur? Been so long.
Oooh, or it could've been (feral) ghouls. I suppose they wouldn't have wanted to waste good 'guard ghouls'.


And big ol' scene with the scientist. Nothing too interesting to say.

Sorry that this has a lot of criticism from this chapter, but it really needed to be said and without your input on things such as the 'show don't tell' rule (that's often abused/ignored) I can't tell if my criticism is something that you should take to heart and consider or if its simply your style and the story you're telling.
I understand that ultimately there wasn't a lot of time to be spent in many locations, not a lot of details to tell about Garlic and such - but those details really do mark the difference between something like this and the cream of the crop stories (like early Project Horizons chapters).


Anyhow, interesting enough chapter and you've not lost me.
Mind giving a reply to this when you can however? Even just a little one to let me know if you appreciate the feedback or what. I try to give feedback when I can because I understand as a writer how precious it is, but if you don't care either way, I'll let it be.

3661435
Oh wow, thanks for all the feedback (especially catching the typos :twilightsheepish:). This is great!

So yeah, about the showing/telling parts you pointed out--the first places you mentioned, when he escapes and kidnaps Tulip, you're right, I do summarize more than I should. It wasn't a conscious choice at the time, but more of a product of fatigue. I'd been working on that chapter for a long time, and what I originally envisioned as a short few scenes kept getting longer and more complicated... I, knowing what I have planned, did not want to spend any more with Garlic and his plantation then I had to, and as a result so I started rushing to get the chapter done. I tried to keep the story I wanted to tell moving along as quickly as I could, and the result was, looking back on it, more telling and less showing there in those end scenes.

Now, as for the summary of the battle... well, that's just a result of the protagonist's perspective. He spent most of the battle cowering in fear. What action he heard about he got mostly second hand, so all he ever really experiences is a summary and loud noises in the distance.

The teleporting thing? Plot relevant. However, the changeling doesn't have enough knowledge of Unicorn magic and Cutie Marks to question it. Glad you pointed that out.

The un-italicized 'me' is just an emphasis/stress. Just like an italization in normal text would be. I've used that a few times before.

Anyway, I'm glad you're enjoying it, and again, thanks for all your comments. It's always wonderful to log back on and see such a slew of notifications in the inbox.

Comment posted by Kippershy deleted Dec 21st, 2013

3662084
wait wait what
what :fluttercry:
I think there's been a mistake somewhere.

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