- Member Since 31st Dec, 2011
- offline last seen May 19th, 2015
WingzBolt45
I just started writing fan fics on my little pony since October and I hope the stories I do are good enough for everypony
WingzBolt45
Joined 31st Dec, 2011 ·
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An interesting concept, and you captured Pinkies insanity quite good. What puts me off of the whole thing is not your inspiration in the infamous "cupcakes", but rather the outright terrible formatting. It was annoying to read and I had a hard time focussing on the story itself due to the flow-breaking nature of mid-sentence paragraph-endings. So I advise you to reformat this chapter and write the following ones a little longer so your reader has time to actually get INTO the story. Other than that, you could use some work on your grammar and maybe get a proofreader. It is not horrible or unreadable but a few types broke what tension there was.
I hope this helps improve your writing and aids you in finding your own style.
Have a good one.
More Cupcakes..
*rage*
FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU
Cheers
~iraqlobstah
You have me interested, though I do agree with loliger, try to work on the formatting.
112812
Cupcake rage.
Evil stare while drinking tea in a top hat.
Good but use Cap's for setence starts.
Keep up the good work.
FUCK the formating.
No one really cares how these people complain on how its written.
Just continue the storie and forget about them.
112895 It's statements like that which butcher the English language even further. We spent hundreds of years perfecting it and modifying it, creating the most complex language to date, only to have it slaughtered by people discouraging others from using it properly...
That aside, my thoughts about the story:
The formatting needs a lot of work. It's terrible on the eyes.
Also the chapters should probably be a bit longer than 800-so words.
I also noticed some inconsistencies and sort of odd plot holes. For example: why does Pinkie write in her diary like she's carrying on a conversation? A diary entry is usually a one sided conversation, but Pinkie is writing as if the diary is speaking back to her. She's also talking in a very conversational manner.
As always I subtract points for being a Cupcakes inspired work, but I see this is actually trying to go a different route so I will refrain from that this time. It's a nice little concept, but it needs a lot of work before I'd consider it "passable".
112945 thanks for the advice i'll try to fix it up soon.
Now it's time for... Headcannon.
s3.amazonaws.com/data.tumblr.com/tumblr_lqcf6p5Wob1r0qpm0o1_1280.png?AWSAccessKeyId=AKIAJ6IHWSU3BX3X7X3Q&Expires=1325967652&Signature=8Fz0KsQVffb%2FrxGZnSK30kH%2Fr%2Fc%3D
Enjoy.
Oh dear...
117432 oh dear indeed
Uhhhh..... i see remake! although very nice twist!
troll ending?
Things just got
*shades*
20% more serious
Ok, this comment sucked. But please pay attention to the formatting!
shit just got real
FLUTTERSHY NO!!!!! WHY TWILIGHT WHY???????????
2.bp.blogspot.com/-PYw6pddxf30/TxcEz2GmnZI/AAAAAAAAAeA/dOS0IF5N3c0/s1600/47509%20-%20computer%20denied%20hardware_abuse%20no%20punch%20twilight_sparkle.jpg
"Twilight shook her head in agreement."
+ 
= awesome
lol really? Anyway, the ideas are good but the delivery... Well the formatting and the overuse of bold and italics makes it a bit annoying to read but I still like it, if only for the random shipping ending!
Moar!