• Published 11th Nov 2012
  • 9,407 Views, 231 Comments

The Villains Anonymous Support Group - SpiralWriter



The Elements of Harmony getting you down? Come to Villains Anonymous, where all evil is welcome.

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The Following Week

"Come in, come in, don't shove. Lookin' great and powerful tonight, Trixie."Discord eagerly greeted his fellow villains who filed into the large building they met in every week.

"I always am."The blue unicorn flicked her illustrious cape over his shoulder, walking inside with a 'humph'.

"Chrissie! Glad you could make it, how's the kids back at home?"He chuckled as Queen Chrysalis approached, her eyes narrowing at his mundane nickname.

"The 'kids', as you say, spirit, are doing quite well. I even taught some of them a few words!"She sounded so proud, even though her changelings were only copying what she said without really understanding it, their true nature.

"Good to hear. By the way, you happen to have...I don't know...some snacks stuffed in one of your holes, would you?"He narrowed his insane eyes.

"..."

"You forgot again. Even after last week!"The air around him shimmered slightly in distortion as his reality-warping magic played off his skin.

"..."

"Not to worry!"He immediately brightened up with a cheery grin, belaying his erratic personality, tied to nothing but his own whims."I knew you'd forgot, so I rang up Pinkamena with the duty for bringing them."

A bouncing pink form ambled right up beside Chrysalis, balancing a plate of various colored cupcakes atop her head."Evening Discord,"She happily chirped at him."You too Chrissie."She nudged the Changeling Queen with a hoof, but she did return the greeting, only walking inside with a grumble.

"Ah, Pinkamena,"Discord flipped one of the cupcakes into the air, only to catch it in his lion's paw before taking a great bite out of the confection."You always make the best cupcakes."He chuckled, a dribble of something blue oozing down his mouth before he slurped it back up.

"I know."She giggled madly, wiping what appeared to be a red stain from her mane. She galloped inside, one of the last few to enter. The draconequus himself went inside and closed the door behind him, snapping his fingers, instantly hiding the Villains Anonymous building from view. All anypony would see was a discarded cardboard box sitting on the side of the road.

"Settle down everypony, settle down!"Discord walked into the large group of assorted monsters and miscreants, each one taking a seat, the sound of squeaking chairs echoing around the room."Now, I hear we need to congratulate somepony special today!"He chuckled."Getting back on his hooves and getting job!"

King Sombra stood up nervously to a round of clapping."I'm King Sombra,"

"Hi King Sombra,"Everyone greeted, though some in roars and guttural sounds.

"And I am currently working at McBurgerhooves now...stop by for one of our salads or a Hay Burger meal."

"How is it?"Discord asked, taking a seat himself.

"It's nothing special. I work the register, flip some patties,"Sombra continued."I'm just trying to get enough bits saved to get myself going. Oh, and I'm slowly working my influence upon the rest of the staff."He let out a little low chuckle."Soon, they'll all be under my control,"His red horn brightened, his form becoming more and more smoke-like."AND I WILL MARCH UPON THE CRYSTAL EMPIRE WITH MY NEW SLAVE ARMY AND RECLAIM WHAT IS RIGHTFULLY MINE!"He was violently billowing all around the room, his dark magic glowing black crystals all across the floor.

"...Well good luck with that."Discord gave him a thumbs up."And this is a non-smoking area, so if you could just,"

Sombra nodded and resumed a physical form, the dark crystals around him retreading back into the ground.

"Thanks Sombrero."

"Alright,"The Spirit of Disharmony clapped his paw and claw to get attention."It's free time, everyone. Before we begin our schedule, say whatever's on your mind, there is no judgement here."

A shuffle of a chair, and a large, feathery form stood up."Hi..."She said unenthusiastically, her voice low and sounding incredibly bored."I'm Gilda..."

"Hi Gilda."A chorus replied.

"And I just want one thing clear here, losers."She raised her voice, pointing a claw at every one of them."I'm here because I need something to do, not because my therapist said I should visit 'like-minded peers' and learn to 'control my anger'."She unleashed a lions roar, causing some parasprites to be sent flying through the air."I don't need that, okay?!"

"I'm sure you're here for your own reasons, as are we all. Anything else you'd like to add?"Discord had magically concocted a glass of chocolate milk in one hand a large puff of cotton candy in the other, devouring the treats he could summon at a moment's notice.

"...Not really."She shrugged, plopping down heavily into her seat and folding her paws.

"Anypony else? Only one more before we begin."

"Greetings all!"Trixie stood up with a wide flourish of her cape, using her showmanship magic to create miniature fireworks around her.

"Hello Trixie."The voices greeted her, but they were a bit deadpan this time.

"And what do you have to share today, Trixie?"

"I just wanted to announce that I'm returning to Ponyville soon! I have been practicing and practicing with new types of magic, and I will challenge Twilight Sparkle herself to a dual!"

A steady stream of clapping.

"Really looking forward to it...on December the first, right?"Discord finished up his sweets with a loud slurp.

"...How'd you know?"

"Wikipedia article."

Iron Will slowly raised his hand to ask an obvious question. Discord narrowed his eyes at him, and the blue minotaur retracted what he was going to say.

"Now, onto tonight's schedule..."

--7pm--
The Positives and Negatives of Having Minions

"Say you have a minion,"Chrysalis held up one of her changelings in the air with magic, the simple beast staring ahead dumbly at the audience with unblinking, insectile eye.

"And take one of my changelings for example. They're plentiful, so you don't have to worry about a hero running out of fodder to beat on, they'll simply tire themselves out so your masses of minions can overpower them. They're stupid, so they'll follow your every command.

"But Chrysalis, what would be the negatives of having minions? It determines what kind you have. Take mine for example, one of their good traits is also their weaknesses."She lowered it back to the floor.

"This little fellow is named Flick."She pointed a hole-filled hoof at it."He's obeys everything I say, because I am his queen."She turned to look motherly at him."Say hello to the nice people, Flick."

The changeling blinked a few times at her before turning it's head to the crowd."Hello."It greeted, but with a voice that mimicked Chrysalis's.

"See? The downside of my minion is that he can only do what I can do to a certain extent. He can't rationalize, he can't do things on his own functions but something instinctual. What about your minions?"

"My minions are goats!"Iron Will thundered out.

"That's good. I take it they're not very smart either...?"

He lowered his head."No...."

"See everypony? You need a good minion, one with both loyalty and smarts...but not too smart."She flicked her horn and the changeling was carried up with her as she walked back to her seat, cuddling the monster close to her face."You did so well! Mommy's very proud!"

--7:30pm--
Dealing With Defeat

Very few attended this one. Only Discord, Nightmare Moon, and Sombra were present. The rest had muttered that they were going to take a break and get some fresh air outside. A little filly watched with wide eyes as countless visages of her nightmares emerged from a cardboard box, screaming back to her mother with tears in her eyes.

"Well..."Nightmare Moon began.

"We should skip this one."Discord interrupted like a child, his face pouting and his arms crossed.

"Now now, we should learn from our mistakes-"

"What we should do is skip this one."

"I'd actually like to hear about this one..."Sombra interceded with nervous grin.

"Fine."Discord sighed dramatically.

"First, we'll go around saying how we were defeated. That okay?"Nightmare Moon asked. The two villains before her nodded."Good. I was...blasted by the Elements of Harmony."She cringed at the memory. Oh the rainbow. She'll never forget that dreadful, colorful horror boring down upon her.

"Elements of Harmony."Discord muttered.

"I exploded from a blast of love and hope."

"Eh,"Discord shrugged."Basically the same thing."

Sombra shook his head in disagreement, his billowing mane drifting through the air."No, it isn't. See, I wasn't turned to stone or transformed back into my former self. I exploded, as in died."

"Then why are you still here?"

"My horn! It can regenerate, and wherever it lands, my hate magic takes hold."

"That's pretty convenient..."

"Hey, you yourself said this wasn't canon."

"You don't even know what that means!"

"No I do not!"Sombra exclaimed before simmering down."Could you please explain?"

Discord sighed once more before standing up."I really don't want to, but I can try to explain something else."He stuck out a claw, pointing it at an empty space in the building. It would appear as if somebody were looking in on them.

"A person is watching us right now, reading about our every actions on some dumb fanfiction website."

"...What's a website...and a person?"Nightmare Moon raised an eye questioningly.

"A website's something a person with no friends or hopes for the future spends all their time on, while a person is simply a pink monkey thing with no fur. And they can talk."

"..."

"..."

"...What?"Discord switched from looking at both of them, shrugging.

"That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard."Sombra shook his head at the answer.

"I'm the spirit of chaos! What, you don't believe me, Sombrero?!"

"It's a bit hard to really believe..."

"Here, I'll proof it!"Discord snapped his fingers, and in an instant, King Sombra had vanished. Nightmare Moon jumped at how easily Discord got rid of such a powerful figure."What did you do with him?!"

"Sent him to bronycon. Involved a little spatial warping and time travel, but he'll be okay."


He looked around, fear in his eyes. On every side, they surrounded him, countless in their numbers and infinite in their torture. One wore a piece of clothing that bore Twilight Sparkle, another carried a small toy of one of the Mane Six. Some were even disguised as the princesses, Celestia and Luna.

"Oh sweet buck...THEY'RE EVERYWHERE!!!"He nearly screamed, but that would alert them to his presence. No, he needed to escape.

To anyone paying attention, they would see a large man with long, black hair, a portion of it dyed red, charging through the crowds of bronies, utter terror upon his features.