In the Defense of Others

When Fluttershy goes to visit Zecora, she finds a young stallion lying in the grass in the forests. When she brings him to Ponyville, she soon finds out that things aren't always as they seem.

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Comments ( 7 )

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Fluttershy

Fluttershy #1 · Jan 9th, 2012 · · · The Strange Unicorn ·

Nicely written. I'm very curious to see who this colt may be.

Fluttershy

Blue Breeze

Blue Breeze #2 · Jan 9th, 2012 · · · The Strange Unicorn ·

hmm interesting. im keeping my eye on you

deleteduser111010010101

deleteduser111010010101 #3 · Jan 9th, 2012 · · · The Strange Unicorn ·

An OC with a clack coat

Skrillex

Skrillex #4 · Jan 9th, 2012 · · · The Strange Unicorn ·

.....this seems.....predictable.

Writey the writer

Writey the writer #5 · Jan 9th, 2012 · · · The Strange Unicorn ·

You really should work on the flow a bit, it feels a if im reading a set of instructions.

'As Fluttershy walked down the dirt path, she thought about all her animal friends. Specifically, her pet rabbit, Angel Bunny. Angel was no ordinary bunny. He was demanding, and a little bit impatient. She thought about how he was always acting like a child. Fluttershy was deep in thought and didn't hear the loud WHUMP a few yards ahead of her.'

See what I mean? Action.Reaction.Short descriptive.Short descriptive.Reaction.Reaction.
Try and mix it up a bit.

'She walked carefully down the dirt path, thoughts of her animal companions littered her mind, or more specifically the thought of a certain bunny, Angel. To her he was but a child, a demanding and impatient child crying out for attention which she so often gave to him. A sudden loud WHUMP came from a few yards infront of her however, deep in thought, she failed to notice and continued to ponder her own soothing recollections of her favourite bunny.'
Hope I helped in some way.. Other than this, the stories premise is great and I look forward to reading more.