• Published 11th Nov 2012
  • 29,170 Views, 1,881 Comments

About Last Night - Darth Link 22



A night of drinking turns into weeks of...interesting antics.

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A Cautionary Tale

The farmhouse frequently saw several large crowds. The Apple family was a close bunch, after all, so large dinners were common. Still, this particular group was an uncommon sight for this location. Usually, if the Bearers of the Elements of Harmony wanted to meet, they’d pick Sugarcube Corner or the Golden Oaks Library as their base of operations.

But today they were all here, with Big Macintosh with them, all at Applejack’s invitation, though at the moment none of them were quite sure why.

Applejack stood before them, looking as giddy as a schoolfilly. Next to her was something covered with a white sheet. Pinkie's attempts at uncovering it had resulted in several smacked hooves until she gave up, sitting with her forelegs folded in a pouting position.

Rarity whipped her mane behind her head. “Well, Applejack, I hope this is important. Telling us all to not have anything planned for tomorrow, making me send my little sister off to that slumber party at Scootaloo’s house.”

“Scootaloo has a house?” Rainbow Dash asked.

“Yeah, I want to thank y’all for comin’,” Applejack said. “Truth be told, this here is somethin’ I’ve been wanting to do ever since ya’ll helped me chase them varmits Flim and Flam off.”

“Oh. You mean, like a thank you present to us? Ooh! Ooh! Is it wrapped in colorful paper? It’s not a present unless...”

“Simmer down, it ain’t quiet like that. See, ya’ll came though for me when I really needed ya. I’ve always called ya mah family, but that was one time you really proved it. And because of that, I wanted to get you involved with an Apple family tradition.”

With that, she grabbed the sheet next to her and tore it off, revealing...

Cider!” Rainbow Dash exclaimed happily.

Indeed, several barrels of the Apple family’s quality brew was sitting in neat stacks. “Fermented cider,” Applejack explained. “We always save a few barrels full personally for the family to let it age. It’s ready for some real drinkin’.”

“Aw yeah, let’s get to it!” the cyan pegasus exclaimed, practically drooling at the thought.

“Actual alcohol? I’ve never had that before,” Twilight said, sounding intrigued.

“What?” Rainbow Dash asked, shocked. “Twilight, you’re a grad student!”

Twilight blushed a little, rubbing the back of her head with her hoof. “Well, I was always curious about it. But I had Spike to take care of. It’s kind of bad parenting if you come home completely drunk.”

“Oh! You’ve got to try some! I’m willing to bet you’ll be the silliest!” Pinkie chirped, causing Twilight to redden further.

“That’s why I had the foals and Spike sent to that sleepover. They’re gonna be busy till tomorrow afternoon, so they won’t see us at our worst.”

“I suppose I could have a glass or two,” Rarity conceded. “But not too much! I am a lady! I do not get inebriated.”

“Um... if it means that much to you...”


The party was just starting, with each of the guest talking amongst themselves. Twilight sipped her cider slowly, recoiling a bit at the taste. Applejack, looking at her, couldn’t help but smirk. “Really is your first time drinkin’, eh Sugercube?”

The lavender unicorn felt herself blushing. “Is it that obvious?”

“You just haven’t ‘quired the taste just yet,” the cowpony noted. “Ain’t nuthin’ to be ashamed of. I understand why you haven’t had much experience. Truth be told, I don’t get too much of a chance to drink either. What with me an’ Big Mac havin’ ta take care of Apple Bloom.”

“You mean Big Mac and I,” Twilight corrected.

“Don’t bring your fancy grammar into this,” Applejack answered playfully, taking a drink.

“I can’t help it, that’s just how I was raised.”

“Well then, you need more cider. Go on, chug that thing!”

“But it tastes all weird...”

“That’s why you drink it fast, so your tongue don’t taste it. Go on, one big gulp.”

Twilight looked at the mug. Just one gulp, Twilight, come on.

She put the mug to her lips and tilted her head back, allowing the nasty liquid to leap past her tongue and down her throat. She gave a bit of a cough, but most of the gulp made it down her throat. Drops rolled down her chin, soaking her coat.

“Ya see? Just like that.”

“My throat’s burning,” Twilight complained. “Why am I drinking this again?”

“You need to wait a while for the effects to kick in,” the cowpony assured. “’Till then, how about another drink?” Not waiting for an answer, she took the mug and poured another.

“Thanks, Applejack,” the unicorn said politely. “You know, you don’t have to hang around me all night. You can look after the others.”

“Aw, they’re all big fillies, they can take care of themselves,” the earth pony dismissed. “I just want to spend time with you.”

Twilight played with her mug a moment, swishing the liquid around a moment. “Applejack... you aren’t all still feeling bad about what happened at the wedding, are you?”

Applejack’s eyes widened. She puckered her lips inward as her pupils rolled back, giving the farmer a good view of the ceiling. “I can’t imagine where you’d get that impression.”

A magic glow surrounded her cheeks and forced her to look at her friend. “First off, never make that face again. The last thing I need is a flashback to the Discord incident. Secondly, I got the idea because all of you are letting me get away with absolutely everything.”

“What do you mean?”

”You know, I think Temple of Nightmare Moon was the best Daring Do book.”

Rainbow Dash’s eye twitched. “It... it grows on you.

“Twi, that doesn’t prove...”

”Well, Rarity, here’s the dress I want,” Twilight said pleasantly, giving her friend a sketch.

The white unicorn took the drawing and scanned it over. Immediately her eyes widened, her irises shrinking. “This? You... I mean...”

“I know, the black leather really shows off my curves, and aren’t the crochet stockings a nice touch?”

“I... I...”

“I’m going to wear it to Celestia’s next party. And I’ll make sure everypony knows you designed it. Won’t that be great?”

Rarity gave a smile to show that it wouldn’t be great. “Oh yes,” she lied through her teeth.

“You didn’t.”

“Of course not, I called it off immediately. I wouldn’t ruin Rarity or embarrass the Princess like that. But the point is, you all have been doing whatever I wanted. It’s getting annoying.”

Applejack sighed. “Look, it’s just... we blew you off. You had to face that big bug alone. I... we couldn’t just let it go. You’ve been such a good friend, and I... we felt like mud when the whole thing came out.”

“Let’s not get into that again,” Twilight groaned. “You guys apologized enough. It got annoying, to be honest,” she said, trying to joke.

Applejack hung her head, raising it only to take drink. “Look,” she said, when the liquid had been swallowed. “I just... I pride myself of always bein’ a dependable pony. Ever since I met you, an’ became a Bearer, you always stayed by my side. You’ve been a great friend, Twi... one of the best I’ve ever had. I never want anything to get in the way of that.”

Twilight blushed. “I... wow,” she said quietly. “Applejack, you never have to worry about that. I love all you girls. We’ll all be together, nothing is going to change that.”

“Yes, it will,” the earth pony answered bluntly. “Don’t be a fool, Twi, that ain’t you. Dash’s gonna be a Wonderbolt, Rare’s gonna open up a Boutique in every major city from here to Fillydelphia, and you’re gonna go back to Canterlot an’ be a great royal figure. You’ll go on off an’ forget all about Ponyville… an’ me. I’ll be stuck on this farm ‘till I’m as old as Granny Smith…”

Twilight felt her heart sink as she looked at her friend, who had chosen that moment to take another gulp. “I won’t forget you. Ever. And besides, what makes you think you’re never leaving the farm?”

“Twi, I told you how I got my cutie mark. I tried goin’ to Manehatten an’ bein’ a big city pony. I didn’t fit in. It ain’t for me. I don’t fit in there… but that’s where you’re headin’. You’re goin’, and I can’t follow.”

“…Applejack,” Twilight said, a little stunned.

“Forgit I said anythin’,” the earth pony said quickly. “At least for tonight. This is a happy occasion.”

Twilight looked at her for a moment. Finally, she nodded slowly. “Okay. But you’re not getting off the hook that easy. We’ll talk about it tomorrow.”


Rarity's slow and diligent sipping of her mug was interrupted by Pinkie jumping up seemingly from under the table. "Hey Rarity!"

The white unicorn gave a shriek, nearly spilling her cider. "Ah! Pinkie! Don't do that!"

"Rarity! Come on, it's funnel time!" she said happily, producing a funnel with a long plastic hose.

"No, Pinkie. There is no way I would ever participate in something so crude."

"Applejack says you enjoyed pillow fighting," the earth pony protested.

"I did not!" Rarity objected. "I simply let my temper get the best of me. Happens to the best of us."

"Please do the funnel!"

"No."

"I'll be your best friend!"

"Pinkie, you're already one of my best friends," the unicorn sighed.

"Then do it. Please?" Pinkie's eyes grew three times their normal size, her lip quivering.

Rarity held her firm composure for another few seconds, then sighed. "You never speak of this again, you hear me?"

"Pinkie Promise!" she exclaimed. She quickly went through the gestures, then rather abruptly stuck a funnel into Rarity's mouth. The white unicorn gave an unladylike grunt before sighing. She resigned herself to the inevitable onslaught. That is, until she saw Pinkie was holding the funnel just under a tap.

"Whut, Punk..."

Too late. Pinkie pressed the tap, and seconds later the liquid flowed freely into the unicorn's mouth. Ten gulps later, the tap turned off, allowing Rarity to breathe again.

"Pinkie!" Rarity screeched. "That was ill mannered, uncalled for, and...and..." Suddenly, the purple maned pony was a lot more mellow. "I must say, this is pleasant."


Rainbow Dash gulped down her third mug, slamming it down on the hardwood table. Wiping her mouth, she glanced over at Fluttershy, who was finishing up a mug as well. The cyan pegasus looked over at her friend’s side to see five other mugs stacked up by her side.

“Are the others dumping their mugs on you?” she asked, a little slurred. “Cause I can tell them to cut it out.”

“Oh, no, I actually drank all of those.”

The athletic pegasus was a bit stunned by this admission. “You...but I’m only on my third cup!”

“Um, yes, well...I’m sorry, but...well, you’re kind of...a lightweight.”

What!” Rainbow Dash demanded. “All right, nopony calls me that and gets away with it! I challenge you to a drinking contest!”

Fluttershy meaped, covering her mouth with her hooves. “Oh no, I don’t think that’s a good idea.”

“Well then, you shouldn’t have challenged me,” her friend said, grabbing her and dragging her over to the cask. She poured them two fresh mugs. “First one to pass out loses.”

“No, no, Rainbow please...”

Rainbow Dash lifted her mug. Sighing, Fluttershy did the same. After a halfhearted toast, the pair gulped their drinks down.


“Feeling alright, sugarcube?”

By now, Twilight was moving back and forth a bit, but she looked happy. “I’m fine, Applejack, really. After the first two glasses, they’re easier to swallow.”

“That because you’re too drunk to taste it,” the blonde slurred, though she wasn’t one to talk at the moment.

“Let me tell you: being drunk? It’s pretty awesome,” Twilight said happily. “I think I’m actually thinking more clearly than ever. Of course Celestia’s not going to send me back to Magic Kindergarten for failing an assignment. That’s just ridiculous.”

“Well, alcohol does tend to make you stop worryin’, but you still shouldn’t be doin’ too much thinkin’ about anything. You’ll realize it’s a bad idea once you’re sober.”

“Or will I just think it’s a bad idea because I’m worrying again?”

“Th’ first one. Now maybe we better cut you off...


Rainbow Dash gulped down her twentieth mug. “Why don’t...why don’t you just give it up?” she asked. She was having trouble staying up at this point.

Fluttershy gulped down her twentieth mug. “I’m still feeling okay,” she explained, though by now she was a little tipsy herself. “We can stop if you want...”

“Never!” she responded, holding up her mug to pour another.

“Um...Rainbow...that mug is upside down.”

Indeed, the pegasus saw that her precious cider was spilling to the floor. She quickly righted it.

“Not a word.”


“I mean, honestly, all I wanted was to meet a charming and handsome prince, marry him, and live a life of rich luxury. Honestly, is that so much to ask?”

“Eeyup,” Big Macintosh answered flatly.

“Uh uh, no way. Those ponies at the Gala were just a bunch of ultra meanie pants!” Pinkie backed her friend up.

“Exactly!” Rarity exclaimed, slamming the table. “That so called prince was the most unprincely beast that has ever slithered into my life! And I am not the only one he’s hurt!”

Pinkie tilted her head anxiously. “What do you mean?”

“I talked to some of the mares around Canterlot while we were there for the wedding. Apparently Prince Charmless had bedded as many mares as you’ve thrown parties.”

Pinkie gave an exaggerated gasp. “No!”

Yes!” the white unicorn wailed. “Ponies wanted to shake my hoof for giving him what for at the Gala! He lures mares in, then leaves them as soon as he loves them!”

“That’s horrible!” Pinkie exclaimed.

“You’re right! It’s horrible, and I’m going to do something about it!” she declared boldly, standing up. Almost immediately she had to sit back down, due to all she had to drink.

“Uh, Miss Rarity, maybe you shouldn’t be going anywhere tonight,” Big Macintosh suggested calmly, placing a hoof on her shoulder.

“No!” she said abruptly, batting it away. “This fine beverage has truly earned the name ‘liquid courage’, for it has given me the strength to do what needs to be done!” With that, she stood again and began running, with the stallion attempting to follow.

“No, no, this is a bad idea,” he pleaded. “Please, Miss Rarity, just take it easy, I...”

“Hi-yah!” Pinkie exclaimed, suddenly flying towards the eldest Apple child. Her back right leg hit him in the cheek. With a loud “oomph” the stallion crashed to the ground.

“You go girl! Hurry, before you’re sober enough to realize what a mistake you’re making!”

Rarity stumbled out of the farmhouse and lit up her horn. In a flash, she was gone.


Dash gulped down her thirtieth mug. She mumbled something in drunk talk which loosely translated to “How did you build up such a tolerance?”

Fluttershy looked away sadly. “Um, I’d rather not talk about it,” she said quietly. By now her words were slurred as well, though still coherent to those that listened closely.

Her friend actually stopped. She knew that tone. Fluttershy was upset.

“Hey, what’s wrong?” she asked gently, forgetting about the contest. She placed a hoof on Fluttershy’s shoulder. “You can tell me anything, you know that.”

The shy pegasus just turned away meekly, giving a bit of a frightened squeak.

Rainbow Dash pulled her into a hug. “Fluttershy...we’ve been...we’ve been friends for a long time. You can talk to me about anything.”

Fluttershy was quiet for a moment. “Can we go somewhere else? I don’t want to bring the others in on this...”

Rainbow Dash nodded and lifted herself up. She did a quick scan of the room. Applejack was huddled deep into conversation with Twilight, and Pinkie seemed to be tying down Big Mac, who was struggling to reach the front door. “I don’t think the others would mind us going off to be alone for awhile.”


“I love you Applejack,” Twilight giggled affectionately, nuzzling her friend. “You’re a great friend. Never forget that.”

“Gosh, you sure are a loving drunk, Twi,” the earth pony said with a blush as she nuzzled back.

“Well... I can’t help thinking about what you said earlier tonight. Getting this drunk had given me a great idea.”

“You know, I think I said somethin’ earlier ‘bout drunk ideas... ah, nevermind it, it was probably stupid drunk talk. What’s your idea?”


Filly Applejack happily trotted into the farmhouse. She had just completed all her chores, and now her parents were going to reward her with a special treat.

“You did a good job, my little apple,” the matriarch cooed. “I think you deserve a treat.” With that, the mare handed her a reward.

“Popsicle!” the little filly squealed happily. She took the frozen purple treat and began licking it. She savored the taste.


Twilight’s ear twitched as she smiled happily. “Mmm... mmm...” she moaned in pleasure. She turned her head, and something pressed against her lips. It felt good.

She opened her eyes. She found a pair of emeralds staring back at her.

Both sets of eyes widened.

What came out of both Applejack and Twilight was a surprised and terrified yell that was likely heard all the way to Canterlot. Both mares fell out of opposite sides of Twilight’s bed.

“How... what?” Twilight stammered.

“Oh no... no, no...” Applejack moaned.

“We came to my place... did Spike see me drunk? No, no, he’s at the slumber party.” The unicorn breathed a sigh of relief.

“But who else could have seen us on our way here?” Applejack panicked. “Granny Smith would have a heart attack if I did somethin’ improper... and we could have... could have...” Her eyes widened in horror.

“Oh man, my parents are going to kill me,” Twilight moaned in anguish. “And Shiny... I...and the Princess! How is she going to...”

At that point, she noticed something: Applejack was still frozen in place, her eyes wide and her jaw slack. “Um... Applejack? hello?”

“...Is that a gold ring on your horn?” she asked slowly, pointing a hoof at her friend.

Twilight didn't answer. She just widened her eyes and lowered her jaw, gaping at the earth pony. Finally, she spoke. "Is that a gold band on your hoof?"

Applejack looked down and froze in terror as she saw the metallic band across the foreleg she was using to point with. The two ponies looked into each other's eyes with shock and horror.

"We didn't," Applejack said in absolute disbelief.

"We couldn't," Twilight assured, more to herself than to her friend.

The two of them quickly looked around the room. It was Twilight who saw it first. A scroll, sitting on her nightstand, marked with the Equestrian Royal Seal. Slowly, as if the parchment had been booby trapped, she levitated it towards them. With great reluctance, she unfurled it, allowing both ponies to read.

This document hereby binds the ponies known as Twilight Sparkle and Applejack in a state of Matrimony on the date of...

They didn’t read any farther. They just looked at each other.

“Oh...”

“...hay.”