"Thank You... Whoever the Heck These Ponies Worship" by Chamo
"Thank You... Whoever the Heck These Ponies Worship" by Chamo
"It's not quite what I had in mind, but it will do," Chamo said, reclining comfortably on the arm of the library's couch and staring down at the pair of unconscious youngsters on the ground. He held a paw out, thinking wistfully of the cigarette he should have been holding. Picturing it vividly did not make one appear, and he sighed slightly.
"Will do?" Rainbow Dash parroted. "They're unconscious and probably scarred for life! Twilight's going to kill us!" She hovered frantically over Spike. The little dragon's face was pale despite his thick coat of scales, and his eyes were rolled up into his head.
He flapped a paw at her. She could be a real buzz kill sometimes. "They'll be fine, kids heal fast. Plus there's always therapy. You worry to much, Bluebird."
She charged him, snorting. "And you don't worry enough, Weasel. Seriously, you peel back his eyelid, poke him, and your done?" She jabbed him in the chest.
Chamo put his nose in the air and smoothed his fur back into place. "Negi and I have been in way worse trouble than this... not that I'd imagine you know much about danger. Trust me, he'll be just fine," he insisted as he waved her off. She gave him the evil eye, but turned back towards Spike. "Besides, you're in no position to be pointing fingers, seeing as it's your fault in the first place," he said, before smacking a paw over his mouth and eyed the Pegasus warily.
The mare's shoulder's tensed. She turned around ever so slowly. Then in the time it took him to blink, she had her hooves on him. She growled at him.
"Err... Sorry?" he muttered, covering his face as she raised a hoof.
There was a quiet knock at the door. The pair turned and watched as a familiar yellow pony entered the library, balancing a wicker basket on her back. "Sorry I'm late... " she said quietly, scuffing her hooves on the floor. "I just--" she looked up and her eyes widened in shock. "Rainbow!" She scolded, hooves on her hips with a small frown on her face. "What are you doing to that poor, defenseless critter! I... oh my, what happened to them?" She had caught sight of the two youngsters lying on the floor. Instantly her frown was gone, replaced by a concerned expression as she looked them over carefully.
Rainbow Dash had been nervous enough by the other pony's arrival, but when the other made began to scold her, the normally cocky pony's entire body drooped visibly. She brightened visibly when the other pony's focus turned away from her. Dropping Chamo in a heap, she rushed over to help her friend. "There was an... accident," she said quickly, waving her hooves about. "It wasn't a big deal really!" Her smile was a bit lopsided, and she was sweating visibly.
Lucky for her, the other pony was focused on inspecting her new patients. "Oh dear, they seem to be in shock," Fluttershy said quietly. "What happened to them? I thought Twilight was going to be my only patient."
Rainbow Dash turned red. "Well, you see... heh, they kind of... k-k..." she stammered, ears back as she glanced around.
Chamo pushed his way in between them. "They just got a little excited, they'll be fine. Don't you worry your pretty little head, I'll look after these two, so you just go check on your friend upstairs." The ermine put on his most charming smile and widened his eyes as he looked up at her.
Fluttershy smiled at him. "Oh my, thank you... I was worried that I was going to have to deal with three patients at once... Oh, not that I mind of course, it's just I wouldn't be able to treat them all at the same time. Somepony might get worse and then... " She shook her head. "I'm sorry, I got off track. Thank you. I'm sorry if I hurt your feelings when I ran away from you earlier... I can see now what a nice little ermine you are."
"I'm not a..." Chamo began automatically. He stopped, blinking. "W-what did you say?"
"Oh no, did I say something offensive? You're a nice... big ermine?" She tried again.
Chamo fell to his knees, crying. A beam of heavenly light shone down on him. "T-that's right, I'm an ermine. An ermine!" he blubbered. He grabbed onto Fluttershy's leg. "AN ERMINE!" he shouted.
Fluttershy eeped, and made some hasty, barely audible excuses before bolting upstairs.
Chamo didn't care. He turned his gaze towards the light above him above him and threw up his arms as the violins began to play. "At last, an angel has come to me in my time of need. Thank the heavens! Thank you... whoever the heck these ponies worship. An ermine!" He weeped openly, despite the blue pony's stares. She had her head cocked to one side and was scratching her head, muzzle scrunched in confusion. The two laying on the floor had begun to stir as well.
"She's awake!" Fluttershy yelled quietly from the top of the stairs.
The light snapped off and the music skidded to a hault. "Finally," Chamo said, "I was getting bored. Let's get back to work." He dashed up the stairs, leaving the rainbow pony behind to blink vacantly for a moment before she rushed to catch up.
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I'm trying to add more comedic elements to the story, hopefully I haven't failed too horridly. My tablet is annoying. It likes to change 'Chamo' to 'Champ' automatically. Curse you, technology! Curse you!
Why you use tablet, get computer, is better both scientificly and technicaly. Also this is on my phone, the computer is being used.
1967663
I like it, just the one or two bits. I did this for the writer's group. I am also going to read the rest and give feedback. Later. Physics calls
1967673
I poked it a little... hopefully it helped. I appreciate the input. Good luck!
1967696
Now, I know it isn't obligated, but I would appreciate because of the writers group and me being your partner, that you look at my fic Shade's of the Past.
1967701
Mind if I look at it tomorrow morning? It's kind of late. Sorry about that.
And as for 'obligation'... I like the term 'favor' or 'fun' better.
1967716
Sure, it's going to take me forever to get through yours. And it is super fun!
Hmm... It's alright in my opinion. But I'm just gonna say a few things. "Show, don't tell." You've got a good concept, and it's an alright start, but you're telling us details, not showing it. You can make this story much better when you use different, descriptive words. Also, slow it down. Things move too quickly, making the whole chapter AND story seemed rushed. Halt the breaks a little, and make them all take a breather, a different kind. Lastly, I'd suggest easing back on Chamo's comedy routine. Yes I know he was the comic relief of the show, but sometimes too much funny can kill things, or make one get bored easier. I would know, my first story was like that. Throw in a little seriousness, some action of a more important kind than what you used earlier, and space out the hilarity. I see potential within you, but it takes time, effort, and the right mentality to carry these stories. You might have it, but only if you can do things right.
Other than that, this was good. I found myself laughing for the most part, and it held my attention throughout. You've got a good idea here, so please do keep going with it. I just hope my advice can assist you somewhat. My rating?... I'll give it a 7 out of 10. Strive to be better, keep writing, and put your heart into what you say. Don't think it, FEEL it, SEE it, and then put that into words. I look forward to your next chapter, and should you ever need assistance, do not hesitate to call upon me.
Here to help,
Silverwing
1975109
Thanks for the input, I appreciate it.
I hear this show don't tell line a lot.. I've been working on it... guess I'm not there yet. Too fast? I thought I was taking too long myself...
Do you think I should go back and rewrite the older chapters, or just adjust my focus moving forward?
1975585 Adjust your focus as you progress. You'd be surprised how good you get so soon. Use the old chapters as a testament to how you've grown as time went. And yes, I think you're moving just a tad too fast. But regarding the show don't tell, it's all about word choice. Think of the different ways to say something. Like for Negi... The Mage, the young colt, the human/pony, Negi, and many more if you can think of them! Show don't tell is all about word choice and application. Allow me to show you...
"Getting to his hooves quickly, the bully snarled and rushed forward once more. Shadow sidestepped what he thought would be another tackle attempt, but as he moved to the side, Dumbbell turned around, angled his rear hooves, and slammed them into the light gray colt's face. The young pegasus careened backwards and slammed into a door, shattering the glass from the small window above it. As he climbed to his hooves, the faint aura around him glowed a stronger shade, and the area started to smell of earth. Shadow's eyes changed from a deep hazel to a faded gold, and he growled deeply."
THis is just a quick example I could find. Take the time to go over what you put in, and think how could you avoid using the same word too often. It's all about the words you use and application. That's how I remember it.
1993245
There's a difference between reading it in a book and interacting with a 'native' speaker.
1993309
The person before you was saying I was going too fast. I'm so confused.
Ah well...nice story as of least. Although there is little happening. No 'darkness', no Cutie Mark Crusaders (I mean, come on! A blank flank pony just arrives in town and they DON'T meet him?), nothing except the usual Negima!? craziness.
I wonder how Negi's class reacted to his absence?
Also, Rainbow 'ten seconds flat' Dash needing to rush to catch up? I know Chamo can be quite fast and he has amazing reflexes due to all that dodging angry girls but he can't beat Rainbow Dash
1993420
If you saw Chamo doing that, wouldn't you be stunned for a moment?
I left out the CMC since Negi's only been there a few days and hasn't left the library. Plus a Pactio with them would be.... eep.
*Spoilers below*
The darkness will show up in the next chapter. If I threw it at him while his magic reserves were low and he had no partner(s), that'd just be mean.
If I saw Chamo I would be looking for Negi or at least a few magical girl for pactios
The three of them with the powers a pactio could ensure them (even if it is a dumbed down one since they are young) would definitely wreck everything coming into their way. I at least would like to see a scene between Negi and this three (especially since he should be accustomed to this due to his class).
As for your spoilers...yes, it would be mean. But Negi isn't alone. He has the elements of Harmony at his side and probably even a royal alicorn or two aiding him. It would be like his entire fathers group together (maybe not Rakan, but he is a case for himself), so the darkness would have a hard time. (I've read more or less only the negima-manga and didn't watch the series myself so I simply speculate on what I know and have read about negima!?)
1995875
If I did that, it wouldn't be a Negima crossover...
Crossovers start with a character from one 'universe' (or manga/animeverse more accurately) appearing in a major role in another one. This is exactly what is happening now. Negis arrival alone created much unrest in all of the Mane 6 AND Canterlot (since they are bound to know if an alicorn goes 'Darkness hunting' in the Everfree forest. Also there are a lot of guards helping with most of them having a family which is worried, et cetera et cetera.). Do you really think they would just stand by if Negi decides to take matters into his own hooves? Heck, RD doesn't trust Negi and even she would come! And this is nothing compared to a ruler of Equestria worried sick over her subjects and currently looking for the very same darkness.
Yes, it probably won't be the story you are creating. But it seems logical that there would be major freakouts and clashing duties (or even prides) would interfere in the whole situation.
can you please try longer chapters
2239645
I'll do my best.
Elsewhere, an Alicorn sneezed