The world's going to end in one week. It's been doing that for a while now.
Someone in Equestria's broken the world. They've taken time along with it, trapping everything into a single, indefinitely repeating week. Only the elements' bearers move forwards in time, but they've got problems of their own. For each cycle drains their talents from them, each conversation twists old friends into enemies, and not a single one of them knows how to save the world. Some of them have even stopped trying.
And then Twilight finds a way. All that's left to do is gather everyone back together.
Story arcs written about an apocalypse cycling in perpetuity and the effect it has on Equestria. Not as dark as it tries to be.
Additional: Story formatted to look its best in Font Serif, Size Normal, Colour Medium-Dark, Paragraph Spacings 1.2; this as the banner image; no interactive pony, Snow Default, css color #8c8691, Background Pattern Stars and Background Image Night Town . Reading otherwise will expose you towards rogue spacings, silly typography and a severe lack of Luna.
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I can't even find an emote or pic that could come close to describing my expression right now.
I'm dumbfounded, shocked, confused, awed, amazed, excited, scared—it's all mixed in there somewhere.
All I can really say is that I had to read this twice through.
I'm pretty convinced that it's brilliant, I just don't know how to process it.
It's—It's beautiful, man.
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Yeah... my first drafts confuse even me. I usually end up adding another two to five hundred words onto what I've written just so it makes sense.
What can I say. I write like a crazy person. dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/shrug_Twilight_future.png
Also, thanks for the kind words.
Dammit, you got me. I'll have to read this once I'm done writing.
You. You intrigue me.
Very well, watching carefully. Take the upvote and favorite. Do not disappoint me.
oooh, Interesting, can not wait to see where this leads. Good Job.
This is really good. In fact, this is about as good as MLP fanfiction usually gets. There are a few tiny stylistic things I'd change, though: you use the 'd contraction a noticeable amount of times, you seem to be avoiding commas where they would make sentences easier to read, and there's a paragraph in there that uses a ton of ellipses. Also, you could stand to be a little clearer in your descriptions of scenery, particularly that very first paragraph from Rarity's perspective.
And all that said, this is still really good. If you clean this up a bit, then publish another chapter to set yourself at the 3,000 word minimum, you could easily get this onto Equestria Daily.
This is awesome. They're just so glib about the end of the world! And that countdown was a perfect touch. All in all, I shall be watching to see where this goes. I see a lot of potential for terribly sad moments with the whole 'can only see a family member seven times' thing.
One minor detail - you say Twilght's eyes filled with hope, but she only has one...
I'm disturbed by the feeling that this isn't just good, but is in one of those quality levels above my head that I can't distinguish from each other, and so I can only say "good". Just enough info to lead us along, just enough description, not wordy, not sparse. The pacing is excellent, giving us glimpses of apocalypse but spacing them out with personal interactions that show Twilight and Rarity's courage and focus. Even EqD will love it -- showing, not telling; lots of that body movement they love so much. (They'll gripe about some of the commas, but I like 'em.)
I noticed only one typo, but it is important. I think you meant
to be
Off to blog about this.
ohhh YES. Thumb'd and faved and watched.
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</oblig>
It's confusing, I'll be honest.
Yet the plot is original and well written enough which makes me oh so desperate to see what happens next.
So, let's see what happens next.
Freaking hooked.
This going on the list of stories to track. I really like the countdown theme you went with. Keep it up!
Why do all the things I want to read pop up when I have exams?
Thankfully they're over in a week, then all my free time shall be consumed by ponies.
Again.
Hi,
Twilight's problem's with magic - should be 'problems', I think.
Followed, but not yet with the thumb-up. Might be me, but I didn't really get it. I'll try again later.
J.
Wow. Well, that's a thing that happened.
I'll try and responded to everyone, because my OCD friendliness won't let people leave my comments page unaccosted, but only if I've really got something to say. So... thanks to anyone who's commented on this/liked it/added it to their favourites. Sorry for the lack of a personal response.
Anyway, let's get to cracking.
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I'd like to say that I won't disappoint, but I pretty much wrote this to purge an idea I'd been batting round inside my head for nearly a week now. The frame of time looping was mainly put in place so that I could explore multiple reactions to an apocalypse whilst keeping the same cast of characters. If you were hoping for the story to be heading along a strict, normal, "let's save the world" path -- or even just for the next run of chapters to be about Twilight and Rarity -- then you'll probably be disappointed.
Quality of writing (such as it is) should remain fairly consistent, though. This was written in one go and has only had one round of editing done to it; the number of comments pointing out typos is somewhat indicative of that.
1595255
Yeah, contractions. Guilty as charged. I'm a northern-midlander Brit with Scottish parents and half of a life lived in Wales, which mainly manifests itself as a somewhat unique lexicon and a fond preference for contractions. I have to struggle not to write out sentences like "going t'pub?", and I also tend to think that stuff like "I'd've'd done it" is perfectly legitimate.
I have problems, I know. Believe me when I say that your issues with my overuse of 'd are merely scraping the tip of an impossibly deep iceberg.
I'll see if I can jettison some of the ellipses; a few could probably be safely swapped around with an em dash. The problem with the description is another common flaw of mine: I get confused all too easily between "info-dumping" and "setting the scene".
Also, thanks for the lovely comment. I love it when people make me think about how I write.
1595287
I was aiming more for apathetic than glib, but then again, the story's out and I'm utterly dead. They're basically synonyms anyway, so... Yeah, I'm gonna pretend I intended it to be glib all along.
As for the sad parts, it may be a potential that exists unrealised. I'm not entirely sure yet, though I'm generally not a fan of sad for the purposes of sad. I'm not entirely a fan of how the story skimmed it with the Sweetie conversation here either: how I handled introducing the "seven conversations/interactions" restriction in my first mental run through of this chapter (in which only Twi was time looping and the length was one day) felt far more natural and poignant to my ears. How it is now feels... stilted. I'm not especially keen to go treading down that path again.
Oh, and the conversations thing's not just with family members: it's with everyone. I'll try and clarify that later on when the restrictions expanded on (aka, conversation == what exactly?)
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Thank you for that; error found and corrected.
1595853
People keep on mentioning these comma problems, and I can't seem to find them
I only knowingly repressed one comma ("He’d find himself lying awake at night with the caustic ache [...]") so I'm at a bit of a loss as to where they are. I'll scour through it later when the story's cooled a bit and my brain's forgotten what I meant whilst writing it.
That typo is important and cheers for spotting it. I've... contracted your suggestion mainly for the reasons outlined in the response to NN99's comments. I have an adulterous relationship with the apostrophe, and I should really get round to making it up with the comma.
Also, Blog? I'll have to follow up on that. Lots of love for all the kind words too. I'm somewhat surprised that this even warrants a quality level. I'd kinda been hoping this'd slink off the front page without attracting too much attention, mainly so I'd have a legitimate reason to shout "There! No-one's interested in this story! Let me finish everything else I've got going on first!" at my creative drive.
Now it looks like I'll have to follow up on this sometime soon. Damn.
1596449
Confusion's mainly just me being lazy/overtly scared of any form of exposition. I like to view this particular style of writing as listening in on an ongoing conversation: Neither party is going to stop and explain what they're talking about to you, so you have to try and figure things out by yourself. I tried to find ways to introduce the most important restrictions of the piece (Sweetie conversation == info on conversations aspect, No-light magic == info on drain of powers) but there's still a few that haven't been brought up. Stuff like "do the locations reset each cycle, and if not, what does that mean for objects moved by a member of the Mane six?" gets covered later on.
So, yeah: you should be confused. Not everything's been introduced yet, and that which has is incomplete in its explanation. But, if I've done my job right, your interest in having those confusions explained should outweigh your frustrations over them needing to be.
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Funny thing: I wrote this immediately after a C++ exam. First time in a while I'd been able to finish yonks before the deadline and spend an hour sating my inner fussiness by getting each spacing juuuusssstttt right.
1597230
Cheers for the typo correction; I've edited it away. Also, you're hardly alone with the favourite over thumbs thing: as of right now, the ratio's at 46 favs to 35 thumbs, and I know some of those green things are from people who haven't followed it. I guess until there's a way to revoke a thumb from a story, people will always be hesitant about committing to it.
I miss the track button, even if people did spend a lot of time getting confused and tracking completed stories.
And as a final thing, long response is long dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_rainbowkiss_flip.png
1597791
In that case I'll read it straight after my computer science exam on Thursday
And I completely understand. I had a look at the code for some of the guys in my class - 'cause their's wasn't working properly - and spent most of the time just making it look "neat und tidy"
A very intriguing start to the story... And one that brings all kinds of ideas to mind.
I would have liked to read about the initial discovery of the looping time phenomenon and a few choice pieces of what the Mane 6 are up to between then and now. Will we get that at some point? Seems like you're just jumping straight to the third act.
1613807
Yeah, I started in media res, and yes, earlier parts of the story will be described. The first arc is, in fact, set before the prologue... except, chronologically, at exactly the same time because each cycle's about the same week. Story's gonna get weird like that.
I'd be loathe to include the initial discovery itself as anything other than a side chapter, though. The point where the first cycle ends and the second begins: that I could write about. Actually detailing the first cycle would be... massively out of tone with the rest of the fic.
I'm trying not to head down into the dark places this could go. Writing about the first cycle, when the main characters are not aware that it's not really the end, would be close to the bottom. That and there'd be no real reason to write it other than to try and capture the utter horror of it, something which I'm trying to distance the reader from by engaging the safety net early on.
Oh, and the few choices pieces of what the rest of the mane six are up to is going to be much of the mane focus of this to begin with. What Twilight and Rarity get up to after the prologue ends is one of three arcs I've planned out for this. And at the moment, it's not going to be the focus of what comes next.
1597791
Well, time apathetic and glib are kinda the same- and Twi seems to have something up her non-existent sleeve, so that looked a little less apathetic. I mean, you meant it to be glib the entire time. Yup.
Not sad just to be sad, of course. Perhaps just a point that could incite character development or be useful later on. However little you use it, that was a pretty good idea. I mean, it makes the whole situation for the Mane 6 even more... unhappy, I suppose. What were you thinking of in the first draft?
Ah, yes, I get it. That, of course, makes sense! I just said family because Sweetie Belle specifically was mentioned. Clarifying what, exactly a conversation/interaction is would be good, too. Like, just bumping into a pony while walking down the street- count or not count?
1597791 Omg. Huge comment... Aquillo... Wat R U doin... Aquillo...
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Nooo! Don't reply longform! You could use that time to write more of this amazing epic.
I love the whole Wotan, "I traded my eye for wisdom." schtick that Twilight's got going on. Do I also detect a (massive, moon-sized) hint of Majora's Mask? I like the way you write, and I can't wait to see where you go from here. If you need any help proofreading and such, I do edit stories, and am quite good at it.
1615536
Glad we see eye to eye on sad for the sake of sad. Sad which arises naturally out of characterisation or as part of a scene, however... I promise I'll pounce on the sucker and squeeze every ounce of power I can out of it.
I just won't be planning any detours towards sads-ville if I can help it. To be honest, I usually find the detours themselves far more powerful: a character who's being crushed down by all the weight adversity can stack on them, and yet still stands up and says "Fuck you" to the world has always resonated with me far more than a character who just breaks down. That last one's kinda... boring, to be blunt.
The first draft had Twilight talking to an increasingly exasperated Rarity, to the point that the two almost came to blows several times during the conversation. It would've only been revealed at the end, to a somewhat doubtful Rarity, that that was their final conversation. OOC character suddenly explained, hurrahs all round. (I like the idea of doing something that can be seen as a mistake only to reveal it's not later on. I think it'd be a nice way to tug a rug out from under somebody's feet.)
Can't comment, but you're thinking along the right lines. I've been toying around with the idea of a "Twilight Sparkle's Field Notes on the Apocalypse" type thing, which'd cover her empirical research on figuring out what the hell's going on. I probably won't do it
'cause it'd be boring to write and involve explaining thingsbecause it'd detract from the actual story. And be boring to write/possibly come back to bite me when it's revealed that most of what Twilight knows about the rules is wrong.It'd be like me giving you a book on Aristotelian physics only to shout "Haha, suckers! It was relativity all along!" a few weeks down the line.
And it'd be boring to write.
1621464
Fine: I'll reply in bullet points.
1) So glad someone spotted the Wotan thing. It's a deliberate reference; I even went to the effort of researching which eye he lost. I can only hope my source was accurate.
Also glad you used Wotan instead of Odin. That becomes important.
2) Yeah, the moon falling on Canterlot at the end is a reference to Majora's Mask. You're good at this.
The actual fic itself isn't going to be following the same lines, however; I'd have tagged it as a crossover otherwise.
3) Thanks for the offer (seriously -- I edit a lot myself, and I know what that kinda offer means) but I'm gonna have to decline. I've had one nine k fic that's been sitting in the editing doc for around a month now, and this fic -- no matter how popular it gets -- is always going to be the story I sketched out without letting another person see it. I like it, and I'm going to be doing my damnedest not to screw it up, but I kinda want to know if I'll sink or swim without my waterwings.
Even the writing style itself is a bit of an experiment. I'm... stretching my wings here.
4) Heh, the story's already had 2.5 K of itself sitting inside the chapter two part since Monday. It's mainly waiting for Uni to stop gobbling up all my time so I can get around to it/for me to finish planning the rest of the first arc and determine where, exactly, all the plot threads I've laid down are going.
1621607
See, now, that's good writing. Sad for the sake of characterization or the story, that's when you want some sad and that's when I wanna see it. Every ounce. I'm counting on that. Every ounce!
Yes! I love the badass characters who just keep fighting, won't let anything stop them for long, and doesn't let the general unfairness of the world make them all mopey. A character who can't take a good beating, well, that just isn't much fun. So, again, something we quite agree on here!
Final, as in they'd already spoken/interacted six times before that. That would've be a nice, tidy way of showing the effects of the curse, and a good, poignant twist. I like what you had planned out! (Twists are just so much fun- to the reader and the writer)
Gah! Good to know that I'm on the right track, though. Even Twilight can't be right about everything. Although I guess if you ever did it as a side story or something, it would be interesting to see more detailed accounts on what Twilight did while she traveled. It wouldn't necessarily have to be boring, and you could flesh out the backstory a bit and add some adventure and such. Though I suppose it would be a bit of a waste of time if all she came up with was wrong...
You have my interest. I look forward to more.
What you were expecting
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What you got
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Welcome to the first arc; I hope you enjoy your stay. Exits are located to the upper left and right and also along the lower half of the screen. In case of an emergency, disconnect the power socket and retreat to a safe distance away from your reading device.
Your descriptions have improved vastly with this story. I really really really want to review thi properly, but I want a keyboard first. I expect EQD features this as soon as you send it.
1641091 Nah man, more like:
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Way epic.
Okay, you get the thumbs up - but you'd better pay off all these promises you're making.
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To be fair to the prologue, more than two thirds of the first chapter is just pure prose. It'd be hard for some of that not to progress beyond a threadbare description at some point.
And I'd be surprised if EQD didn't reject this first time. The ending part of this chapter's kinda sloppy... which makes sense, seeing as the whole Braeburn bit was added as an afterthought. I need to tighten that up a bit and carve Braeburn's character out more deeply, as well as focusing it in on what's meant to be the point/underlying theme of this chapter. The theme crops up from time to time, most noticeably near the end, but I kinda think it could do with a bit more teasing out.
Oh, and I don't really have any plans to submit this any time soon, making the rejection thing kinda void.(Edit: Fine, you convinced me and it's in. I blame you for this edit.)And if you really want to talk about it, Skype? I'd be interested in knowing your thoughts.
1642614
That last one is undoubtedly a better picture of a horse in a sandstorm. I'm not entirely sure if I can contain my jealousy.
1643483
Thanks + I'll try my best. All that I can really say is that the Russian armaments I've been merrily sowing -- like the watch and the wooden obelisk thingy -- have already got purposes planned out for them, and that green trowel-butt and his antagonism is also going to be
explainedbrought up again and expanded upon.I'm not sure what other promises I've made, but if they involve money and/or my first born, I'll probably end up breaking them.
Majora's Mask hardcore mode! I can just imagine Braeburn just as friendly on the 13th time, to AJs exasperation.
I'm really pumped for this now. Honestly, it's starting to remind me of Autsraeoh.
Excellent descriptive writing. You have the narrator use some of Applejack's speech patterns, which is unsettling, as this is not first person. But the descriptions are first-rate. Sometimes I quote the paragraphs I especially like, but there were too many of them, and no clunkers anywhere. I was reading a story by Charles de Lint just before yours, and yours is better, stylistically.
Rated five out of five by older bronies everywhere (at least Texas).
1648193
Heh. Well, I wrote this chapter whilst listening to this, so maybe the Disney rubbed off on me?
1648563
Damnit, stop being so nice to me. My head should not be needing this many punctures added to it in order to halt its upward ascent.
The Applejack speech patterns thing is a good point. It's something I noticed whilst writing; I'd kinda been hoping I could get away with some over the top slippages between subjective and objective narration. If it's unsettling, though, I'll probably tone the mimicry down and return the narrator to snarking occasionally. He's good at that.
Now I just need to find some way to rephrase "This here was a problem" which sounds as nice in my head as the original line. Bums.
So, Twilight and Rarity are in Ponyville, Applejack's stumbled her way into Appleoosa, Fluttershy's missing, presumed in Manehattan, and Dash and Pinkie are still unaccounted for...
Huh.
Well, in any case, I do love a good time loop story, and I'm looking forward to the next development. Especially in terms of with whom the Altering Party has already blown their seven chances.
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Excellent work, author. This piece surpassed our expectations, and that is not a statement this group makes lightly.
And remember: the pre-readers will be watching.
This continues odd, intriguing, and melancholy; and unless I woefully miss my guess, this is exactly your intent. Keep it up.
The first chapter hints at Majora's Mask... Right?
btw Lovin it
It... it...
has great potential. I'll feel like you're intentionally making it just a tad too confusing for the readers, and its kinda annoying. Damn catchy, but agitating. I eagerly await more.
Congratulations Aquilo!
Finnally read both chapters...
wait for it...
images.google.com/imgres?q=MOAR+mlp&hl=en&biw=1152&bih=696&gbv=2&tbm=isch&tbnid=aw_pNGMussRS0M:&imgrefurl=http://forum.eveuniversity.org/viewtopic.php%3Fp%3D371727&docid=bgxT-7nXc_r22M&imgurl=http://i724.photobucket.com/albums/ww250/Wings-of-Ash/PONIES/PonyFever.jpg&w=1024&h=711&ei=8IK5UIfiIqnkygHCpYDYCA&zoom=1&iact=hc&vpx=849&vpy=123&dur=224&hovh=126&hovw=181&tx=180&ty=105&sig=105943254666821966460&page=1&tbnh=126&tbnw=181&start=0&ndsp=24&ved=1t:429,r:5,s:0,i:85
1716749
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand it broke
1716753
so I'll link it instead!
1716683
Its funny not seeing your name highlighted in red
1716771
Um... Okay.
I don't stray too far from 'home,' I guess. But Aquilo's a chum (and a talented one at that) so I came by for a visit.
Again, awesome work Aquilo.
Back to work.
So... yeah. EqD happened. Grats on that.
I still don't know what I read before, but I'ma track this shit.
just as a suggestion, I think you could do a little bit better job explaining the whole day night thing, I was having trouble visualizing it. but overall, i thought this was a very good piece of work, and i cant wait to see what happens next!
So is this kinda like Endless Eight?
interesting premise, adding to the read later list.
EqD brought me, no time right now, so I'll throw it on the read later mountain, but I WILL read it tomorrow. Looks intriguing I must say.
i have no idea what i just read, but it was amazing