• Member Since 9th Apr, 2012
  • offline last seen Oct 4th, 2021

WritingWithFoxy


E

After the mess with "Gabby Gums" Applebloom still has to apologize to one last pony. She learns that no matter what, some ponies are always there for you.

Edit: I cleaned up the grammer as best as I could myself.

Edit: Mucked up the first time, now the edited version is up.

Chapters (1)
Comments ( 32 )
Yip

Just a heads-up: it's "Gabby Gums", not Gammy Gums.

This is a great story. The only problem is the mis-used words such as "though" when I think you meant to put "know". Some grammar editing are in order as well. But overall, the story is great. Nice description and matching character personalities. You just got yourself a follower. :twilightsmile: (I mean watcher.)

1589844

Yeah, i was in a hurry and uploaded before my proof readers could get a hold of it. As soon as it gets fixed up I'll update it.

Yip

1589930 I have no idea what you just said, but if you're interested in knowing about bb code tags, just look them up. You can use a lot more than the buttons on the toolbar if you discover them.

'With her hands buried in her hooves'? Since when does horses/ponies have hands?
In any case, this was a nice story.

1590074

That teaches me to work late at night.

1589930
Heh... I've been waiting 14 hours for a story to get approved now. I don't think it's possible to be in a hurry on here lol

1590227

Have fun, I uploaded this last night.

Dawww! Saw a couple minor problems though... but other than that, it was good!:yay:

I'd check the spelling of the title if I were you. Other than a few other grammatical gripes, it was pretty good. Keep on writing!

1590676

I'll go check it, and I think I have most of the grammer fixed now.

Well, that was enjoyable, though not entirely without issue. Some of the phrasing seems a bit awkward ("Only one pony she hadn’t apologized to yet, her brother." just sounds odd to me for some reason), and there are a couple of places where you missed punctuation ("Not right now sis" should have a comma after "now", "B-Big brother? I-I’m" should have a dash or something after it to indicate that she's being cut off). There are also a couple places throughout where you forgot to indent the paragraphs. As a final little nitpick, the first paragraph doesn't really need the summary of the Gabby Gums incident; most readers will already be aware of how the town reacted. It would make the story more personal if you removed that description and focused a bit more on how Apple Bloom felt during the ordeal, which would segue nicely into the end of of the paragraph where she resolves not to do it again. Also "Apple Bloom" is generally two words.

Now that that's out of the way, I think overall you succeeded with this story because you captured the voices of the two characters very well, and even though the conflict is brief it has some subtlety to it. Both Apple Bloom and Big Macintosh have their own reasons for how they act (i.e. Big Macintosh's initial reaction is understandable, even if he later feels badly about it) and I think their reactions to the events of the story are very much true to the characters. I could easily imagine this scene actually happening after the events of the episode. It's extremely brief, of course, and there's always room for expansion, but it provides a good glimpse into Apple Bloom's relationship with her brother, which is always nice to see. So for the most part I think you did well, you just should have waited a bit and had some people proof read it to fix up some of the technical issues.

But overall, it was enjoyable. :eeyup:

1591208

I'll clean that phrase up, and thanks:) Also, I had to throw in some major padding to get it up to 1,000 words.

I like stories like these seeing as I too am a big brother. They warm my heart and make me proud that I would handle these situations in the same manner. It can be difficult being the elder to a couple of sisters but the good thing is you do learn a bunch about women at an early age.:eeyup:yes sir

Found this at the pony fanfic thread at TV Tropes. Glad I followed the link. Short, but to the point. I liked Big Mac here. :eeyup:

1591208

Okay, I cleaned up most. Aside the first paragraph thing, I need the padding to keep it long enough.

Wow, this was a nice sweet short story. I feel that you could write something with a little more depth and have it be really good!
Also,
"After what seemed like an eternity he reached out and placed a hoof around shoulders."
You're missing a "her" or something similar.

1618384

I'll fix that, and thanks:)

I agree with HmstrSteve1, a nice story, but lacking a bit in depth.

I for one don't think being seen with Smartypants is the most embarrassing thing to happen to Big Mac.
What about having to walk down Stirrup Street in one of Granny Smith's Gurdles in The Ticket Master. (Providing he lost the bet to AJ)
And what about the whole Hearts & Hooves Day fiasco? Everypony heard him speak sappy talk and saw him hopping down the street whilst towing bulls, anvils and Berry Punch's House, without him even knowing.

Perhaps you could add those bits in to make him feel worse for reacting the way he did.

1751760

I'm trying to keep both sides even, and give them both justifications, that would potentially look like me trying to completely blame him.

Awwww, this is sweet :)

Just leave me alone for a little while, okay?”

Missing the starter "

he thought to himself.

Applebloom is not a he.
Good story anyways.

1777795

That second one is Big Mac, Not Applebloom, I'll fix the missing mark.

Thanks:)

Everypony else in town listened to her apology and forgiven her
Everypony else in town listened to her apology and had forgiven her*
:fluttercry: That's a sweet story. It made me cry...
You wrote Big Mac well. Simple yet complicated.

2608691

Fix made, and glad you liked it.

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