• Member Since 27th Jul, 2011
  • offline last seen 1 hour ago

Andrew Joshua Talon


Just a fellow traveler...

T

The prince of Mars returns to Equestria to catch up on what his sisters have been up to. But what are his true intentions?

Our favorite heroines are blasting off for a new adventure on the Red Planet...

Chapters (1)
Comments ( 72 )

sweet you made it. ill read it when i get home from college

You really do love space adventures huh?

J'onn Raiya sighed and shook his head.

So did I... :facehoof:
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APPLEJACK VS FLUTTERSHY!

:ajbemused: VS :flutterrage:

WHO WILL WIN?

Just got to the description. Why is Ares's OC a little like mine?

EDIT: How dare he take my Fluttershy?!

SO MUCH DRAGON BALL! SO LITTLE TIME

"Let me see! Let me see!" Celestia shouted.

...I hope MY little (honorary in my case) sister never tries to take My porn away. Fortunately, she lives in another state.:twilightsmile:

> Prince of Mars
> Blasting Off Again


... Why does this make me think of the old soviet Propaganda Film "Aelita, Queen Of Mars" crossing over with Team Rocket?

well if there where ever a better way to greet aliens, i think :yay: found out how, just bang em.Fluttershy sealing the deal since shit started droping from the sky.

this amuses me, greatly.

To the stars!

...I'm not sure. This feels kinda... rushed, frankly. So much information in such a short span of time!

:rainbowderp:

...

Ares is now my new favorite OC. :rainbowlaugh:

Funny story, i`ll give you that, cant wait to see more

Looks like yet another adventure that Spike will be left out of...I lost interest when every main character but him appeared in the first chapter.

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Looking forward to more. Especially if the Princesses' family has one sibling for each other planet.

Huh. And here I thought if the planets had alicorns, they'd be Sailor Scouts.

...this is potentially much better. Solid.

Bravo!
Rarely have I read a first chapter that makes less sense than its own preview!:pinkiehappy:
most amusing. :twilightsmile:

*In the royal Canterlot voice
I DEMAND A PICTURE OF ARES THIS INSTANT!!!!! SERIOUSLY THIS GUY IS BADASS ENOUGH TO BE THE PERMANENT HERO OF EQUESTRIA FOREVER!!!! HE IS THAT AWESOME!!!!

Totally called that DODGE!

An amusing story, but a little too hotheaded for my tastes. Clearly, Ares is inspired by Thor, but I keep expecting him to call things "OUTRAGEOUS!" or put on triangular shades.

Adventure, ho! Let's see where this rollercoaster takes us.

1584388 Relax my friend. Spike is going to have a key role in this story. I just haven't finished writing his meeting with Ares yet.

references, references everywhere!:twilightoops: mostly dragonball, but also thor in both large and small quantity.

damn, that was good!

"CHANGELINGS?! CHANGELINGS?! I hate all Changelings and will send them to the fiery doom of Tartarus for every last crime committed against my world and my ponies!" Ares snarled. "I will crush them, burn them and then CRUSH AND BURN THEM AGAIN UNTIL THEY CAN NO LONGER BE CRUSHED AND OR BURNED!"

I like this guy.:pinkiehappy:

Please sir, may I have some more.

Man this is funny. I have been searching for a humorous tale to quench my thirst.... or something. AJ getting jealous and Ares is getting more wenches.

I'll definitely read it but. . . I wish you would finish Progress. . . =(

Wait a minute.
J'onn Raiya
J o Raiya.
J i Raiya
Jiraiya

...............Am I hallucinating/delusional? In any case, have a star and a thumb.

Ares is just... boss. He's the boss.

Mmm....It feels rushed; it jumps ahead alot.
It's amusing that he lives up to his namesake and that his teacher seems to be imitating Master Roshi from DBZ, and that Fluttershy isn't quite as shy anymore (lol), and that out-of-practice Luna beat him, but other than it being funny it's not that great.
I'll track for now in case it gets better.

. . . -Ejects spent cartridge of custom hand held Spellfire Class Combat Shotgun and loads Spiral Energy Rounds, snaps barrel back into place.- OY! ARES! FIGHT ME!

I saw this and thought it was a Princess of Mars crossover.
...
Hang on I'm going to go write a pony/princess of mars crossover.

J'onn Raiya.

I can't tell if that's a reference to J'onn J'onzz, aka the Martian Manhunter, or Jiraiya of Naruto.

Maybe both? Maybe neither? We may never know.

To be honest, I think I'll have to agree with those who said that this chapter seems rushed. I feel that there's no coherent plot to speak of, except for copious amounts of cheap and shallow flirting, and that makes for very little substance to gain my interest. :ajbemused:

Applejack acted surprisingly well when Ares, basically a complete stranger, arrived concidering that he:

-Sexually assaulted her
-Treated her like a whore
-Destroyed her entire home

Any other would press charges or at least demand compensation for:
-Sexual harrasment
-Destruction of property

But I guess that he is such an whimsical OC that everyone likes him immediately for no reason and he gets away with everything and everyone goes "I'm ok with this"

Whats that sound? Oh! Its my suspension of disbelief cracking under pressure :ajbemused:

1587123
I'm thinking John Carter of Mars.

Normally, I love your stuff Andrew, both here and on FF.net. Especially your OCs and your normally amazingly done Self-Inserts.

But... it's got to be said: Aeres seems like a Gary-Stu. And not just in the "Oh, he looks like a stereotypical Gary Stu" (which, he does, black and red alicorn? Seriously?) but also in the 'the plot revolves around him' sense and the negative 'characters seem OOC around him'.

Now, it's not that bad with Twilight or Pinkie Pie, and Rarity seems fine, but Applejack and Fluttershy seem OOC,

Also? What Mr. Fulp said.

That and this chapter feels, as others have said, rushed. There's nothing to gain a readers interest except for Aeres, and fankly, he's rather offputting. I'm giving it a chace because I trust you as a writer, but... seriously, if this chapter is intended to be primarily an introduction for Aeres with actual plot coming later, then I hate to say it, but changing the paradigm might be good, as Aeres is not particularly interesting and there's nothing else in the story to make me want to read it.



All that said, the implication of Aeres is delightful, that of a divine alicorn for every major celestial body. And if you're basing Aeres off of the greek/roman god, then a certain amount of the behavior is excusable. But even so, the reactions of the others is... less so.

I apologize if this seems particularly scathing, but Aeres really feels like a Gary Stu, and I normally consider you an amazing writer, the fact that no one's come out and said so... frustrates me. I feel this is criticism that needs to be said, and hope that you don't take it the wrong way :pinkiesad2:

But seriously, Aeres :ajbemused:

Give it time...

We still need the "Loki" to this guy's "Thor" before we go Gary-Stu finger pointing. I seriously doubt this is going to be a sweet little slice of life tale with this guy as the star of the show.

That said, I would much like a chapter 2 please and thank you.

Aru

Hmm Ares seems nice but AJ and Flutter are a little too OOC. But I think that this is the style of this story after all so screw it. DB reference is priceless.

1587223>>1587661

I'm going to have to agree with these two good fellows. I can't say that Ares strikes me as a character I really want to read much more about. He's really... almost kinda disgusting, and it's hard for me to justify why everybody is so enamored towards him. Particularly Applejack. I can understand Pinkie and MAYBE Twilight, but everybody else just doesn't make sense.

And again, like everybody else has said, this is incredibly rushed. This feels like snippets of scenes that should have been spread out over at least five chapters. This isn't one of those "as the years go by" stories like "The Keepers of Discord" or anything like that where you show snippets of scenes to suggest the passage of a large amount of time or anything like that. This is a very distinct and connected sequence of events that probably should be made into one cohesive narrative. As it is, it feels like I'm trying to read a book, but all I'm allowed to do is read the first two pages of every chapter before I'm suddenly shunted into the next chapter. And it's not only very jarring, but by moving it that fast, it's not holding my attention at all.

Honestly, I'm not sure if I really want to continue. Ares is rather despicable as a character and with so much focus on him, it's really hard to want to keep going. And the pacing just throws everything off.

Frankly, I would suggest spacing these events out. I would suggest expanding upon each of the little scenes and making them into a chapter all their own. Because there's definitely enough material in there to expand all of those snippets into their own chapters. Also, I'd keep a closer eye on the actions of Ares and his interactions with the mane 6 so that he doesn't seem so... well... criminal and rapey.

Also, keep a closer eye on Applejack and Fluttershy's character. They really seem very OOC in this, with Applejack pining for Ares despite all the damage he did to her farm and how he was treating her. Remember that she's a proud mare. She doesn't need a guy like this to make her 'whole or anything.' Meanwhile, Fluttershy is a wallflower and incredibly fragile. She would probably prefer a gentle stallion rather than what is basically a boisterous viking. And keep an eye on how she acts after the fact if they really MUST do it, because her possessive/permanent afterglow thing is kinda annoying.

This COULD be a really great story... but Ares needs to come down from the Gary Stu platform of getting away with everything and everybody liking him before that can happen. Same with straightening out the mane 6 and resolving the pacing issues.

I'll track this for now... because I really like you as an author, AJT. I love "Hands" and I really liked "Progress," so I'll give it a track for now... but if it continues on the pattern that it's currently on, then I can't say that this story will stay tracked for very long...

This is why I loved Progress (btw any chance of next chapter for it?)
-Entertaining OCs
-Good Humor
-Don't playing on popular fandom jokes. Creating new popular fandom joke
Good to see you back to pony comedy - I missed it.

I admit that if Ares will not show some other face soon he will get boring, but for first chapter he was enjoyable.

Hum, I am in too minds about this. Firstly, it was enjoyable and funny, but noting happened other than Ares being hammy, and by the 3/4 mark I had grown bored of it. If future chapters follow the same pattern the. I can see myself losing interest in this very quickly.

However, as I said before, this was quite funny. I am going to give it the benefit of the doubt and give it a fave.

I'll be perfectly honest here: I'm very much enjoying this story; BUT, it does seem a little rushed. I feel as if the 6k word chapter could have easily been stretched out to at least 15k words as far as story set up and descriptions go without it dragging on.

Anyways: Liked, Favorited and looking forward to any future updates.

Dafuq dis I just read?

It madde me want to Read it again, whilst gouging out proples eyeballs with a rusty spoon and basting the fear turkey at the same time.

Do i likevthis or not? Gah, so confused!

Andrew, I love Ares, the idea of this story, and everything about it, but I do have to agree with a number individuals that make this complaint:

This isn't really a chapter. Rather, it is a loosely connected series of snippets. As I mentioned in the Spacebattles thread, there were many scenes missing that you said would be included (such as the actual informing of the Princesses, and their arrival), and yet I see no such scenes.

I'm not saying that this is bad, and that you should feel bad. What I am saying, is that I think you got a little to excited over a new project and didn't hammer out the first chapter as nicely as you could have.

Your crazy awesomeness is well placed.:pinkiehappy::rainbowkiss::yay:

So many references.... SO MANY REFERENCES!

And I thought Luna's master would be named something along the lines of Pikal-lo or something. And he was an excellent teacher, he taught her a lesson that every single character in anything ever needs to learn.

DODGE!!!!!

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