• Member Since 8th Nov, 2012
  • offline last seen Aug 6th, 2015

theburningone94


This picture is most unflattering. Birds.

T

After being dragged out of the quiet, simple life of a priest, a stallion known only as Preacher must not only protect the wasteland's inhabitants lives, but their souls as well.

The only question is, if he must fight the monsters, will he become one himself?

Chapters (2)
Comments ( 41 )

First of all welcome to Fimfiction, and the Fo:E heard it is always nice to see a new face :pinkiehappy:

Don´t mind the Fo:E haters out there, we are always getting some down votes almost no matter what we do, so unless there is a angry mob outside your window and they read out loud a comment in here about what you did wrong, do you not have to take them serious.

And here is a little gift to you, the super (not so) secret Fo:E g-doc come and hang out and talk Fo:E, there is almost always someone online to boince ideas up against, or just talk in general.

But most important, don´t forget to have fun in the wasteland, both as a reader and a writter

Holy crap.

There's...so many of them! I honestly don't know where to start, but I'll try anyway. Thanks doomande!

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First of all an advise, there is a little speech bouble at each comment, if you clik on that are it an answer and the person that wrote it have a lot easier seeing if there was a response :pinkiehappy:

And where to start... well if you go in there could you say hey or something and be added on the list of Fo:E writers so we can have your name in the chat :derpytongue2: beside that, what are you into? Because it is a lot easier showing a good story if I know what you like

My computer is being difficult, and refuses to show Googledocs at the moment. Oh well, I'll try again later, I guess.

Also, I love everything. Everything. I'll just go in alphabetical order for the moment, right after I finish reading Heroes.

2D

Another FoE: writer who loves long prologues?

I can tell we're going to be the best of friends!

Ed

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Ha!
I didn't think my prologue was all that long. What counts as a prologue? The first narration-bit or the events that lead up to the big adventure?

2D

A prologue is a chapter that explains the background in depth before the actual
story begins...

An epilogue explains what happens a considerable amount of time after
the main story line...

Ed

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I would say take story nr 2 before nr 1 then if you want to read them all. The Last Sentinels is a rather good story, if you want fighting and high level characters plus some awesome cryomancy in the hat. And beside that is it a good study as a writer since he have a rather different way to tell a story, and are doing it frighteningly good... No I am not a fan of his work at all :derpytongue2:

Well lets dive into it, REVIEW T...

Before I go in depth and say something more, something that I need to get out of my system. Damn I did actually crinch over that first line in your prologue, whole body thing and closed eyes and a little sound even. It is a good line from the series and all that, but personally does I not think that it have anything to do with Fo:E. Fo:E are not so much about the war and how people fought over the last few resources on earth, but more about how stubborn leaders and parliaments should think a extra time. The whole whole idea with saying "War never change" is also to imply that there still are war in the world, even after one ruined it and no one is unaffected of it. To show that war is a element of the human nature that are never going to go away... Okay rant/over analysing over now. And I am sorry if it came out a to harsh, because it was not meant that way in any way, so again I am really sorry if that was to much. It is just a phrase that are used a lot in intros, so beside the fact that I can´t see how it have anything to do with Fo:E at all, is it overused. That aside, lets get down to it

REVIEW TIME, for real this time

I know that there is a quite a lot of sour things in this comment, especially for a new writer, but I hope that you see this as pointers to where you can be even better than now, and not a way to point out fails just for showing them

destroyed itself through greed, lust for power, and simple, psychotic rage

Sorry but where do you see this in any Fo:E story? The war started because both countries wanted a better live for their people, that they would not want to stop the prosperous era that they just went into, something that was more or less a first for the Zebras, if you don´t count the old times with that. One of the amazing things about Fo:E is that it is Fallout made in Equestia, not just Fallout with ponies. That mean that a lot of the compassion and caring from the show still are there, like look on the stables, not made to house ponykind or to make mental experiments on ponies so a few could learn what they should do if they took a rocket and left the world, no. But made to find a way to avoid another war, to let the future generations learn from their mistakes. There is a lot of hope and "colour" in Fo:E that you can´t find in Fallout, or any post apocalyptic setting for that matter (if anyone know another one please oh please send me the name on it)

ancient Equestrian

This is the first time I see that used in a Fo:E story, and I love that detail rather much actually. Because the language of the Wasteland are going to evolve over 200 years, especially when a lot of those that live out there is coming from stables where you have been isolated and talking in a whole other way than others.

Instead of properly formed lips, I have a smooth membrane of skin covering my teeth... The teeth themselves are all canine... my six small, pupiless eyes

While I like mutant ponies like the next guy over, do I think that this is a little too much maybe? If he was in most other Fo:E stories would he be killed on sight by most. And why is it that the membrane are growing back together? Unless he have some regenerating skills would I say that it is a little hard for it to do that, especially if he has cut his mouth open more than once.

The Lightbringer had fought against an army of these things and triumphed...and they communicated and shared experience with each other through some sort of hive mind

Are these 2 things not going against each other? For as far as I know did the hive mind/ shared consciousness die with the Goddess, so how can they still have it if LilPip won over the army?

Just when its lips were about to connect, I grabbed Faith from where I had let it fall, quick as lightning, and drove the blade right into that evil, crazy, mind raping fucker’s left eye.

A katana is rather long, so how hid he get his head long enough back so he could stab her in the eye? If he could use wings or levitation would I not say that it is a problem, but he is a "earth pony" so he have to have it in his mouth, and stabbing someone with something you have in your mouth do you need a lot of room for

Footnote: You don’t have a PipBuck yet so you can’t level up, dummy!

Since when do you need a PipBuck to level up? It is not something I have heard about before now. The main character in The Last Sentinel does not have one, and he have no problem levelling up. It is just the games way of saying that you have learned a skill so much that it are doing something now.

But what that is said am I also going to say that you have something here to keep working on. Your writing style are good (there was a few places where you told the ponies did something instead of telling it, but that is a minor detail) and actually fun some places. And when I think on that you don´t have any pre-readers at all or editors are it more than rather good. Most of the bad stuff that I already have pointed out is there because you are new to the setting, and it are not so many mistakes when I think on how new you are to it, and are stuff that a pre-reader or editor could easily catch another time. That I only found a few tense errors are actually rather surprising. I think that I only found 2 or 3 in the whole thing, and without anyone else to look at it is it frightening good.

Your setting is also special, never have I seen other use holy ground like that, or the language as I mentioned before, so it is not because you don´t know your material at all.

I am going to look forward to the next chapter dude. Hopefully are you going to make it just as surprisingly good as this, and I know for sure that you are going to do it if you get a helper or two.

To next time

like where this is going

"destroyed itself through greed, lust for power, and simple, psychotic rage"

This isn't what actually happened, I know, but rather what everyone in Sanctuary thinks happens. Remember the whole Vault 101 thing with "no-one ever enters, no-one ever leaves?" Same thing.

"ancient Equestrian"

Heh, thanks:twilightblush:

"Instead of properly formed lips, I have a smooth membrane of skin covering my teeth... The teeth themselves are all canine... my six small, pupiless eyes"

Not a lot of xenophobes around Sanctuary--except Doughnut, but who cares about him? :P I love creating horrific-looking characters and actually having them be pretty nice.

"The Lightbringer had fought against an army of these things and triumphed...and they communicated and shared experience with each other through some sort of hive mind"

There's a reason for that, trust me. All will be revealed in time...*rubs hands together*

"Just when its lips were about to connect, I grabbed Faith from where I had let it fall, quick as lightning, and drove the blade right into that evil, crazy, mind raping fucker’s left eye."

I may have overestimated the distance between him and the alicorn...honest mistake on my part, sorry!

"Footnote: You don’t have a PipBuck yet so you can’t level up, dummy!"

Uh, whoops.:derpyderp1:

Really the story line is good, as in the whole preacher job thing that kinda sucks yet is fun is cool, but not the fallout equestria. Don't get me wrong I did not dislike this story but rather you can write a completely original story about a priest who travels the peaceful equestria hoping his job is easy only to find out how unsettling equestria is, using his unorthodox ways he beats villains to their senses and has his name in every town.

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The only problem with that is that the Princesses weren't worshipped back in Pre-War Equestria. Respected, sure...worshipped, not exactly.

In Fallout Equestria, the 'religion' behind the Princesses has had two centuries to evolve, and since no-one but LittlePip has even seen the Goddesses their myth, such as it is, has had time to take on a religious, even fanatical aspect. It's a sad consequence of not having the Princesses within arms reach, so to speak.

But hey, that sounds like a fun, original story YOU could write!

Luna, this would be fun to edit.

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If you're interested, I am currently looking for an editor.

1588187 Sorry... I'm currently head editor for DungeonMiner, the author of featured A Novice Swordsman in the Canterlot Court. But! I will ask around for you, if you'd like.

Well this wasn't bad, and congrats on being the first crossover fic i have ever read. (comming from a guy who hass read an estimated 1 million words.) writing and grammar was pretty good. The only real complaint would be some of the walls of text should be spaced out a little. But other than that, nice job.:pinkiehappy::pinkiehappy::heart:

My goodness, I just get the first chapter done, and a second one is already out! :pinkiehappy: This pleases me.
As for how I think your story is, it's great! Love Preacher. My theory is that his mom might have slipped into some taint when he was in the womb, so that's why he's a mutant, but I'm sure you got something lined up for us that explains his frightening visage.:twilightsmile:

Don't mess with Texas. lol.:rainbowlaugh:

That alicorn is no normal alicorn. Something is up, and I don't think it'll be good for Preacher when he finds out. Just a wild guess.:derpytongue2:

Anyways, this is a great beginning to what I'm sure is gonna be a great story! cant wait to read more!:scootangel:

1651109

Super glad you liked it.:pinkiehappy:

All will be explained in time. including Preacher's face:P

I am sorry to say that you lost me in this chapter. While I know that it is set in a Fo:E world does it not sound rather Fo:E to me and my head. Not that I say that it is bad, it is just not my cup of tea

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I can´t put my finger on exactly, it did just loose me about a 1/5 of the way though the new chapter. :pinkiesad2:

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Well, that sucks.

Feel free to think about it more, and get back to me on it. I'm perfectly willing to rewrite it.

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You should not rewrite it just because one reader lost the interest in your story. But if I find the reason am I sure going to write it to you

2D

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DOOMANDE!

I, proof read, and helped edit chapter two via PM.

I will agree on some things, but not on others...

Also, the changeling thingy?

I'm going to do it around chapter 19

Ed

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Okay, here are my editors: BronyFable (Chapter 2 onwards) and Sir Leadhead (Chapter 3 onwards), because you guys are cool like that.

2D

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Indeed, also, feel free to comment on
the RP, shit is getting REAL.

Ed

Whilst I liked the first chapter a lot, the second chapter feels... off. That's the only way I can think to describe it.

The name Texas always rubbed me wrong, naming characters after real life people and places has always bothered me, but if you could work in an explanation for her name, then it would be alright. The demons stuff with the alicorn in the first chapter and having to desecrate a location to be there was rather odd to me, of course when the main POV character also said it didn't make sense, I relaxed and figured the alicorn was just insane. But then you describe Texas's Dissociative Personality Disorder as a Demon too, which just kinda irked me.

I can tell that this is a FOE story that is trying to do something different from the rest and stand out more. And whilst that isn't a bad thing, I think you could tone down the demonic references. Also why did you make Preacher a mutant pony? Just seems kind of overkill. The story isn't bad, I figure you need to lay off the more religious aspects and try to find a balance between the more science-y/magic elements of the universe and the religious ones that Preacher talks about.

I think a story that might more closely reflect your story is the Dark Tower series, maybe it's just my imagination or that I'm re-reading the books again, but I kind of feel some DT influence. For example, a priest moves into a community and establishes a church, like Father Callahan in Book 5: Wolves of Calla. Callahan and Priest both fight off powerful, foul foes who dislike religious places or places of power.

1830174

I really appreciate the critique, and I'm working hard to make chapter three better.

Also, I've never read the Dark Tower series, but I'll be sure to give it a try:twilightsmile:

Post-princess equestria appeals to me. I approve!! :pinkiehappy:

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Dear, you have no bloody idea how long it has been since either of us have so much as glanced at this story. Preacher deeply appreciates your approval, (or would, if he could stop screaming for five seconds) but the truth of the matter is that updates for this shall be few and far between.

Not to worry darling, we have other projects that I do believe will delight and entertain you for some time to come.

I have no idea how Fallout: Equestria works, but this is... well, this is riveting.

I quietly wish I could imbibe my stories with the sort of mystery this has, loaded with violent characterization and tongue-in-cheek mentions of a headcanon I don't know in the slightest. It begs me to know more.

I often find myself trying out stories that're situated in the middle of a series, leaving out trite explanations and character backgrounds, to see what holds weight and triggers my interest to want for investigating a backstory.

I love Texas already.

Onwards to the next chapter.

Wow. You kill the sheriff's daughter after you nearly survive a burning home, and out you go into the Badlands. That has to suck.

I SO WISH I WAS TEXAS IN REAL LIFE.

I have been told not to read FO:E by so many authors. I like this. It is so beyond what I would choose to ever read, you know? I found it... highly inspired.

PLEASE WRITE MORE.

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Maybe...even if we could, the write-ups, ideas and so forth are on a currently defunct computer. If it could somehow be restored this dusty old thing could be continued. Our mediocre authorship does not deserve the favorite of such a brilliant author such as yourself mother dearest :heart:

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Hush you. I LIKE WHAT I LIKE! I'm about as talented as a cantaloupe, anyway.

*snugs*

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