• Member Since 8th Apr, 2012
  • offline last seen May 5th, 2020

SocraticBrony


T

Star Swirl is a name that echoes in the halls of history. The legends of his exploits and tales of his magnificent, magical mastery are impossible to ignore. Even in these modern, peaceful times, there is nopony alive who has not heard the name, or who had not spent their childhood waiting every night for grand stories about this stallion.

Even the most famous of names, however, lose some of their true luster to the grindstone of time. Few exist who do not know of him, yet even fewer know who and what he really was. I offer you his story, the truth of the Master of Myth; a tale of hardship and sorrow, triumph and prestige, love and glory. Long before the life we know came to be, he was only a colt who could never have imagined that his tiny hooves would forge the world into a shape even a god would envy.


Dawn of Friendship is the first book in the Equestrian pre-history trilogy, Master of Stars.

Chapters (2)
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Comments ( 22 )

Well, here we are. My first story! I hope you guys really enjoy it and I hope you look forward to the adventure. I know I am! I was very nervous with posting this up so PLEASE give me your honest feedback! :twilightblush:

I would like to thank _Medicshy and Razorbeam for editing the chapter and for their moral support, for without them I doubt I would have decided to start writing. Thank you both very much!

And thank you all for reading! :pinkiehappy:

Well, that was an emotional rollercoaster of a chapter. I apologize for all the ups and downs (mostly downs) that were present, but I promise there is a purpose for it! Either way, thank you for reading and any feedback is greatly appreciated!

Again, I would like to thank _Medicshy and Razorbeam for editing this chapter, which was improved considerably with their assistance. :raritywink:

1579749 Oh, Pssssshaw, it was all you buddy.:heart:

Oooooh. Nice Intro Hook. I'll have a bit more to say once I finish the next chapter.

I can't wait to get started on this one, if only I wasn't supposed to be working right now.

As for this chapter specifically? I rather liked it. You've managed to get the tone and pacing down pretty well. We manage to learn a bit about life from Starswirl's perspective, as well as the environment he grew up in and the ponies he knew in his early life.

I did not spot any spelling or grammar errors that leaped out at me which is probably a credit to either your fine wordsmithing skills or at least your editor(s).

Overall you've managed to give us just a small taste of your story and left me personally wanting for more despite how little there is right now. I'll be tracking this story and leaving comments on my impressions as I get around to reading each chapter.

I liked it. I'm not going to read it because it doesn't really appeal to me (Purely personal, I'm just the wrong audience. Blame Razorbeam for my being here.), but it was written excellently and deserves my thumb. Good luck in future!

1582681

Thank you very much for your comments! I can definitely say that, though I do have a fairly decent grasp of grammar, it is because of my editors that the story is in the state it is now. Full credit goes to them in that regard!

I hope you continue to enjoy the story as it progresses. I know I am looking forward to it! :twilightsheepish:

1582787

Thank you for the upvote and comment! I can understand if the story isn't appealing to you for we all have different tastes. None-the-less, thank you for commenting and for coming here anyway! :twilightsmile:

For a second there, I thought that this was going to be a crossover with Banner/Crest of the Stars. I know that it's not now, but I'll read this anyway.

Several minutes later, after having forced himself to endure the less –than-ideal conditions of the bath, Star Swirl entered the dining hall, glancing about for his usual place at the large dining table.

Perhaps, "less-than-ideal".

She caught the eye of stallion and fell in love herself, marrying young. Though a family never did develop from the union, they were happy none-the-less.

Ah, catching the mythical eye of stallion is quite an achievement indeed.

As Star Swirl reflected on these memories, he failed to notice that he was staring at Ginger Lily, who now had caught sight of him and was watching him, a slight smile on her face. She cleared her throat, drawing Star Swirl from his cognitive adventure. “You’ve been staring an awfully long time, Starry. What’s up?,” she asked, a playful tone in her speech.
Star Swirl flushed before stuttering out, “N-no! Sorry.” He chuckled in embarrassment and rubbed the back of his head, “I guess I just zoned out.” Ginger Lily smiled knowingly at him, but didn't pursue the conversation anymore.

A small nitpick here, but I sort of have an obsession with historical timelines. You may notice someone from before Equestria's founding is using the somewhat new slang "zoned out" and another from this same time period uses the similarly new phrase "What's up?" While Luna who is only one thousand years in the past, is speaking Middle English and carefully minding her thees and thous.

Other than those small, small issues with this. I'm absolutely loving it. The dialogue flows naturally, the plot is advancing at a neat trot, the characters are vivid, and most of all the story is intriguing.

Beautiful my good sir, beautiful.

1584703

Thank you for the comments! You are right, in regards to less-than-ideal, as it should probably be in quotations.

As for the speech/dialogue, Luna speaks in what is called the "Royal Canterlot Voice", which harkens back to "court" speak from those times. It is my belief that the lower class and middle class (these are orphans, afterall) would speak in the more common tongue. This is even evident in Roman times, for there were multiple ways of speaking the Latin. Cicero, while he wrote in what would be called the "Higher Latin", might have spoken a more loose and "slang-ridden" Latin amongst his friends. We have examples of this, for the standard word for the "high" latin uses one word for "hat" in Latin while the "soldiers latin" uses the word for bucket. They both mean hat, but they are two completely different words, even in the same time period.

Again, these are just my interpretations! I can understand if you disagree though! :twilightsheepish:

I am glad you are enjoying the story thus far! I hope it stays that way as I continue writing it! :twilightsmile:

Thanks for the comments

Faved and liked.

I cant believe it took this long for someone (in my opinion) to make a compeling Star swirl story!

this is really good for your first try. Helluva lot better then my first try, thats for sure. I cant wait to see more of this story and what epic tales you show us.

You've already earned my support, so keep going!:rainbowkiss::twilightsmile:

Good characterization thus far, solid (and compelling) plot established, good writing overall. Followed, sir.

Just posting some minor edits as I read through the story before I actually give my opinions
1584737

less –than-ideal

-> I'm pretty sure he was referencing the space between less and the hyphen

Especially you Archimedes, “she gave him a smile,

-> pretty sure the quotation mark is on the wrong word.

his response being a slight blush and a proud smirk as he responded with a quiet, “Thanks.”

-> forgive me if I'm wrong, but isn't it when you quote someone new, you're supposed to put it in a new paragraph? Or, you could say -with quiet gratitude.- or something to leave it in the same paragraph as it is now.

sheepish and defeated Star Swirl, Archimedes began to laugh, holding out a hoof to help him up

-> you ended that paragraph without any punctuation.

Opinion time:
1) After reading the preface, and the first chapter. I don't know the plot's direction. I MUST KNOW THE PLOT'S DIRECTION. So, make more chapters! :pinkiecrazy:
2) I read this from about 630-730 am; and you gave me the feels to early
3) I don't know if it is wise to use the name Archimedes, as in history he was a great mathematician, engineer, and astronomer.

Good work! Characters are presented clearly and feel natural. Storyline so far is fairly typical of the genre, but executed with skill, so whatevs. Overall, a good start to a fanfiction career!

Excellent start to this, I am really looking forward to more.

Where to begin? Wait, I think I know...

The prologue. The prologue is usually used as a tool for hooking readers and getting them interested in knowing the rest of the story. In your case, it does so to perfection. Star Swirl the Bearded? Who would've guessed? Despite the fact that I haven't browsed through all of FimFiction, I do believe it's the first time I come across a Star Swirl story, and I've got to say, I love it!

Personally, I'm a bit of a nut about pre-equestrian/equestrian history, and Star Swirl is obviously an important character, who's past has been left to us, the writers, and yet somehow, nobody writes about him! I'm just glad it was someone with your writing skills that chose to put this together, whether you're the first or last!

Now, as for the actually review of the story, I'm not going to analyze your grammatical errors, I simply can't find any really worth noting. However, what I will tell you is that your story, especially for it being your first story, is amazing. The prologue really had everything set up so that it could go in many different directions, and yet, despite all that, you chose to start with his childhood. The way I see it, you could quite possible skip ahead to the "present" in the prologue in just a few chapters, or you could really take your time with it. Either way, I've no doubt it'll be a deep and intriguing journey, and something I'll most certainly enjoy!

And the first chapter, the story of Star Swirl's departure from his home.... you captured that beautifully. Not just the emotions were well placed, but Star's entire childhood seemed to be summarized in a wonderful execution of continuous prose. And above all, his character, despite being named and nothing else on the show, does not at all seem "OOC", rather, I'm simply hoping we'll see some very interesting development as he turns into the Great Star Swirl the Bearded we all know and respect! Honestly, I really don't have much else to say, other than that I really look forward to reading more of this story, but please, take your time, pace yourself, and enjoy the journey yourself. We, the readers, can wait! :raritywink:

Your Humble Reader,
WordSPark37

1596457

Thanks for the comment! I really appreciate that! Hopefully I can continue improving the quality and keep the story going in an interesting and fun direction!

1607187

Thank you! I am looking forward to writing more! :raritywink:

1643746

Wow, thank you for your comments. Really, they mean a lot to me, especially coming from you. You pegged it with the prologue, I'll be coming back to it. However, I won't spoil how long it will take. Let's just say that it might not even be in this book, much less any of the upcoming chapters, but I'll leave it at that. Star Swirl has always been something of fascination to me ever since he was first mentioned in the show. I relate mostly to Twilight as a character (studious, generally the one who organizes and gathers friends, de facto leader, etc) and the similarities continue in our fascination with minds of the past: hers being Star Swirl and Clover; mine being Socrates, Plato, Aristotle and the like.

Either way, the planned story is huge (3 books, each around 20 chapters or so..etc) and it plans on spanning many, many years. Hopefully this will allow for Star Swirl to truly develop into a complete character. I at least hope so.

Thank you again for your comments and I can't wait to bring you more!

Ah, I remember this story. A bold adventure, with enough potential to dabble in almost every conceivable genre and convention of modern literature. It had such promise─no, not had, has. A dragon can sleep for uncounted millennia and wake with all the fury and power of its youth. I both believe and sincerely hope the same can be said of a story. What I believe has been laid out in these two simple chapters deserves to be told, and similarly read. Three and a half months is a very daunting time frame, but know the fans you have gathered with this, or at least me, are still eagerly waiting.

I look forward with a heavy heart and a small smile. May it arrive with the fanfare and procession it so richly deserves.

Society of Syntax Socialists,
-Onyx

2026584

It's comments like these that truly remind me why I started writing to begin with. Have no worries, the story is still in the works. I am working on a new chapter as we speak. So please, have patience, for I plan to continue the tale of Star Swirl and how he became the stallion of legend; or perhaps, how he became something more.

Where, in the name of all things holy, is the freaking second chapter? I want action, romance, and Archimedes punching someone in the face, and I want it last month. In addition to wanting it last month, I want it again at this current moment.

Socratic. Wat are you doin'? Stahp. Stahp stahping.

Cordially,
His Holiness, Pope Razor of Beam, The First.

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