Chapter 1
A/N
Welcome! To the new story by moi. This is, how you would go to school as if you were a pony! All comments/rates HIGHLY advised!
End A/N
Yellow's POV
I woke up with an ache in my back. I quickly looked around. “Okay... I'm in a forest... there aren't any signs of life... so my best bet is up!” I then took to the sky and saw my surroundings. I was half a mile away from Ponyville, “Damn...” I muttered to myself as I took off.
A few minutes later I arrived at Ponyville, my next stop was Manehatten. As I walked through town I saw the familiar faces saying, “Heya yellow!” and “Sup?” I smiled and waved at those who said hi to me.
As I was leaving town I saw two ponies standing next to each other, “Are they arguing” I thought to myself, "I really should get going... but I can't just leave... that hurts my morale just thinking about it..."
I hastily make my way up to the ponies, “Hey, whats up?” I asked hoping for a short answer so I could get going.
The Taller one was pitch black as he turned to look at me I could instantly see the hatred in his eyes, “Buzz off”
The smaller one punched him in the arm, “Shut up black.” he had a blazing fire red coat.
I chuckled a bit, “The names Yellow Sound, and you?”
The small one spoke up, “I'm Flair Flicker, most people call me flicker.” he then pointed at the one named “Black”. “That’s Black Thorn. He's always in bad mood so don't think anything about it.”
I nod pretending to care, “And what were you arguing about?” thinking I could solve this quickly.
Black started to move towards me but flair stopped him, “We were just finding the fastest way to this school in manehatten.” he calmly explained.
I look at him for a second before sighing, “I know the way. I'm going there too, just follow me. Got it?” I give black a long stare
He shrugs, “Whatevs. Lets just go already!” and then takes off into the air.
I look to flair, “Hey, what’s his problem?”
Flair shrugged, “No clue, never do. Hey! I'm a poet and I didn't know it!” then laughs and catches up to black. I sigh and get to the head of the pack.
I was flying for about an hour now as I called out to the pegasus behind him, “Almost there! Just a mile or two left!”
Flair lets out a loud “WHOOP!” as he sped up and passed me. Black just stayed behind me where he has been the whole time.
As they near a building I abruptly land and call out, “Down here!” Flair and black follow without a seconds hesitation. As they land in front of them lies a giant campus and I holler, “We made it! Claustrom!”
Flair lets out a long awaited sigh of relief, “Good, I thought you might have been leading us to the wrong school for a minute!” he chuckled then walked up and gave me a punch in the shoulder, “I'm just kiddin ya, I had faith in you the whole time.”
I smiled, “Thanks flicker. Now, let’s go to school!” he stood there for a moment then said, “I never thought I would have to say that...” and walked into the brown brick school house.
Black snarled at flair, “Why do you have to be so... understanding?”
Flair took a step back, “Why do you care? Why am I still your friend? Why do I even bother helping you? Some questions are best left unanswered.” He then entered the building and yelled, “Hey! Yellow! Wait up!”
Black stood there for a while as he thought about what flair said and he sighed, he forgave flair. He always did.
I walked through the halls, getting lost in a few seconds. after I wounder around I accidentally bumped into black, “Woah, sorry bro...” I then looked up and saw the anger in his eyes
Black chuckled a bit, “Sorry? SORRY?!? YOU HAD BUCKING BETTER BE SORRY! I'M SURE YOU WOULDN'T MIND BEING SORRY THAT YOU'RE IN THE HOSPITAL!!” he then raised a hoof and punched me square in the jaw
“Ah!” I cried out as I took another blow.
“BLACK!” I yelled as he threw black off him, “YOU WILL STOP RIGHT NOW!” and I rolled out from under black getting bucked through a window.
Black stood up, “You just bought yourself a one-way trip to hell.” he raised his front hoofs about to stomp on my head.
As the blow was coming black closed his eyes in triumph but opened them as soon as he felt something around his wrists, “Huh what?!?” he then opened his eyes and saw that I had grabbed his hoofs in his wings.
I then rolled out from under him once again only to get bucked, once again. I cried out in agony as i started bleeding from all the hits i took.
Black stared me in the eyes and i could feel the hatred radiating off from him, "I'm letting you off this time."
I nodded and hoped he would leave me alone.
Flair ran out from the crowd and to my side, "Yellow! Aw man! we gotta get him to a hospital!"
I tried to get up but slipped on my blood that was on the ground, "GAH!"
Flair picked me up and put me on his back.
I was flickering in and out of conciseness, "..."
Flair looked at me as a mother would an injured child, "It's going to be all right... just hang in there..." and he took off towards the hospital.
A/N
How do you like this one? I’m on a writing streak!
END A/N
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Well... That was a pile of fuck.
*Debesh cracks his neck.*
Hey, Harrison Ford, can you give me a hand with this thing?
cdn.breitbart.com/mediaserver/Breitbart/Big-Hollywood/2012/09/18/indy-blu-ray/Indiana_Jones.jpg
"I've got a bad feeling about this..."
The first thing anyone will ever see of your story is the title and description. If you haven't put the effort into making sure they're grammatically correct, people will get bad vibes before they've even read it.
Wait... what? He's packing his things in the forest, so... he lives there? He's surprised at where he is, so... no, he can't live there... If he's in the forest, how are there no signs of life? What was his 'best bet?' What's the context for all of this? I'm a paragraph in and I'm confused... and that isn't a good thing.
...why? Why does your character have an evil side? Why is this relevant to the plot? What purpose does having an evil side serve?
If Yellow Sound doesn't care, why is he bothering to stick his nose in the business of other ponies?
Aren't they in, you know, Ponyville? Why are they in the wrong fething town for their school?
NO!
*Debesh slaps itisdoctorwhooves on the wrist with a rolled-up newspaper.*
Keep one person. One. Don't jump from first to third like that, ever.
You also have some severe tense issues.
What the hell is Black Thorn's problem? For absolutely no reason he's been an ass the entire time, and now he starts a fight because someone bumped into him?
Can anyone call bullshit? Like a pony can throw another pony that far, inside a building no less.
Seriously... why did you feel the need to go to third person and back again? There was no need for that at all.
:|
All in all... what is this story about? Why do I care about Yellow Sound? Where is the plot going? There's nothing here that makes me interested in the story, and there's nothing to engage anyone else either. I don't see where the story is going or what you're trying to do except write about your super-awesome OC. You need to try a lot harder than this if you want to write a decent story.
- Debesh Unnos, Mercenary Reviewer
Who's mwah?
1816526
I think it's "moi" as in "me" as in "the author".
"Mwah" is a close approximation of the pronunciation of "moi", the french equivalent of "me".
Also I think I will upvote this story for the sheer amount of derisive laughs I had while reading it.
1816972
Well, hot damn.
Being a native French speaker, I can see where he's coming from with the moi -> mwah thing, but I can't tell if he's serious.
well, thanks for the reviews everyone. it looks like i'm going to be editing the shit out of this story.
I'm sorry, but I laughed when I saw prologue spelled wrong.
1822670 whatever >.> I've had a extremely stressful day and I can't think straight. The only reason I'm spelling this right in this message is because I have autocorrect
1823039 It's all good, brochacho. I know that not everyone is amazing with grammar and so on, but I just thought it was funny and couldn't refrain from posting a comment on it. Hope you feel better and good luck with your story. =D
>>amasharan thanks