The Initiation and Termination of Behavioral Sequences
Once Upon a Best Pony – by Twifight Sparkill
Animal psychology, including that of ponies, is unequivocally complex – in most circumstances, its been identified as a sequence of particular actions or movements, each with a precise start and stop step.
This is evident in a wide range of physical performances, ranging from the frantic activity required for avoiding aggressive Everfree predators, to the thoughtfully practiced teachings needed for performing music on a piano. Or the tedium necessary to buck apple trees all day, as firmly and accurately as possible, to deliver ripened fruit into a set of awaiting baskets encircled beneath their canopies.
Okay, so the latter isn't exactly 'unequivocally complex'.
In these three examples, there is an initial first step taken then one that subsequently signals the end. However, despite exhaustive examination and discovery pertaining to the subject, it failed to sufficiently explain the bounden steadfastness and ruthless dedication that one particular pony and her family possessed – following an unmerciful pursuit requiring a boundless fictile toil of plant and harvest and till and sow, stretching throughout the seasons as some subsisting torment.
What reason, be it science or magic or otherwise, could one pony possibly have for being so indefatigably dedicated to her job when it appeared there was no foreseeable end in sight – no stop after the start step, as it were?
It was plain that one specific individual of this family was very passionate for their work, her illimitable prowess now as much legacy as it had been committed birthright – a family tradition dating back to before Ponyville even existed; a pillar of the community since the land was settled, according to one living account.
Could it be possible that such fortuitous single-mindedness required more than the mere love and pride she felt for her work? An unknown ethereal empowerment lending both assurance and an unyielding compliance?
Something that had nothing at all to do with the world she knew, yet perhaps mattered the most? Intangible although ineluctable?
---
The day came into focus through a slow and drowsing recollection, all for the barest signs of morning light; pink hues tickled at the harsh cool of purpled blues left by a wearing night – enough to give the room a scant glow, sufficient to trigger the internal mechanisms that fired synapses and stirred a semblance of consciousness – a moment later, she was wide awake.
Petting back a heavy yawn, she would collect her morning things and slip into the bathing room, prepared for a brisk wash and groom.
The ritual was dutifully committed to: teeth carefully brushed before a languid dip in the lukewarm tub filled the evening prior, a sound soapy scrubbing to follow. Next in line her mane and tail, both requiring a thorough conditioning before rigorous brushing, her blonde hair having blanched and cracked in the relentless hovering sunshine the day previous – she'd earned the right to devote some of this precious time to her looks, at least.
Finally, with a reserved and practiced motion, the moist mops were smoothed obediently then tied into acceptable order, completed with a brisk combing of her body's bristle. All was made right again. Now she represented a semblance of her former self, as the mirror attested – all ruggedly honed, athletically curved, neatly tidied, befreckled and bright-eyed, and fully prepared to conquer the orchards with vital voracity.
Just the way she liked it.
"Good mornin' there, sunshine." Applejack lingered at the upstairs window just outside the bathroom, admiring the encroaching dawn with a genuine smile. "Sure good ta see ya again." She affixed her chestnut cowpony hat and set downstairs for the kitchen.
Eventually she'd get to waking and greeting her siblings, but for now this time remained a private fleeting peace before a full day's toil; priceless moments duly treasured by a young body that hadn't had the avail nor inclination to stop for a moment's notice otherwise. She required a stout meal, a dose of caffeine, and then she could suitably face the day's regimen.
Applejack prepared bowls of apple cinnamon oatmeal for the lot, leaving their portions at the family table as she took hers and a generous cup of black coffee at the counter. All the kitchen was a splendid scent which reminded the young laborer why she worked so hard – for this, the most succulent scent of Apple pony desires. This one absolute truth; this unequivocal delicacy that defined what they did and why – to celebrate the greatness of the fruit, its sweetness and require. To find its perfection and share it with as many ponies as possible, asking only for actual worth and a small pittance for the farming.
Not the most luxurious life, but honest. That was enough. So long as everyone kept working hard – as long as she kept working hard – that was enough.
Once done her meal, quickly rinsing her bowl and cup, she was out the doorway and into the fresh air. The stockpile of immediate near-ripe fruit permeated every ounce of sight and scent – a restlessness began in her haunches at the mere thought of the bountiful crop, just waiting to be rustled from their burdened perches!
... yet despite all the seeming normalcy, the enthusiasm and preparedness, something was drastically amiss. Terribly so, she noticed.
Applejack hastily checked herself over – shoes were on right, hat tilted ever so slightly, red hairbands tied tight... all as it should be.
She spun in place then, looking around the barnyard with an almost desperate require; something was off, and it was starting to become disturbingly overwhelming. However, everything was left as it should be, all the farm tools and carts precisely where her brother and Caramel had placed them the evening before.
The problem ain't around me, she finally surmised. It's... it's inside me. The problem is me, somehow.
Just then, an inexplicable and indescribable weight bubbled in her lungs, triggering burgeoning pangs of distress – she stayed stock still, wide-eyed, as a cold sweat blemished her coat.
Okay, something really ain't right here, she managed to discern, whinging with discomfiture. Ah've never felt like this before. Like... like somethin' has died inside me, yet... that somethin' is... ugk!
The crawling dread began to engulf her, flooding upwards into her mouth as some caustic bile, and she was nearly choking on it. Her blood almost seemed to turn... thick, not unlike a syrup inside her veins, making the young mare's heart pound awkwardly and her head swim. Pains started shooting through her withers, down to the extremities, and struck in waves of increasing agony.
Applejack wanted to vomit, but the glut of cold ooze now firmly rooted in her chest fought to close her throat altogether. Her vision began blinking in and out, as if a flickering candle set on the window sill, stirring for a light eve's breeze. She fought to keep her wildly flailing thoughts in check, consciousness ebbing with the build of discomforting assail. This wasn't any sickness she'd ever experienced before – she was terrified! She needed help – right now, before she drowned in this despairing pitch. Right. Now.
Without notifying her sleeping kin, she gathered what reserves she had left and raced in a breathless frenzy from the orchard's courtyard, galloping hard down the adjacent dirt roadway that led towards Ponyville. There was only one pony in all of Equestria that could possibly help her now, and there was no time to waste.
---
Big Mac was only slightly aware of his missing sister.
Soon after rising on his own, he found the family downstairs eating their breakfasts and wondering where Applejack had gotten to. Wordlessly finishing his oatmeal, he pressed a kiss alongside Granny Smith's cheek, scrubbed Applebloom's head in a rough yet affectionate tease, then set out to fetch his cart and baskets in preparation to harvest the far eastern fields as planned. He blinked, noting the remnants of a billowing dust cloud in the distance, kicked up in somepony's frantic wake.
Dismissively, he returned to his immediate concerns, giving it nary another thought – there was work to be done. Besides, if he knew anything for sure, it was that Applejack was more than capable of taking care of herself, and if not she had some mighty powerful friends that could.
Just another day at the ol' Acres, eeyup.
---
A knock at the library door stirred Twilight from her early morning studies, which were currently being held in a collection of sitting pillows as she lounged like some giant purple cat in a big warm sunbeam. Disgruntled, she removed her reading glasses, pinched at the sharp pain beginning behind her eyes, and threw her book roughly in irritation.
"Spi-ike!" Twilight called to an apparently empty room. "Someone's at the door! Could you answer it for me, please?"
The beckoned baby dragon dropped from a nearby ladder he'd been perched on, startling the unicorn mare with dramatic fervor. He had been trying to get some actual work done around the Golden Oaks library – work Twilight put him to not a half hour before, promptly after having served a generous breakfast, with that same authoritarian timbre – unlike the less initiated librarian. Landing with a thump, he threw his dust broom to the floor.
"... you're three feet away from it," Spike grunted. "Really? Oh no, don't get up Twilight! I wasn't doing back-breaking chores or anything – seriously, I'm more than happy to do it!"
"Wow," Twilight quietly glared daggers in response, replacing the spectacles and returning languidly to her book. "I said please, in case you didn't notice," she muttered.
Spike shambled to the door, throwing it open in frustration. On the other side stood Applejack, pride of Sweet Apple Acres, bedraggled, sweaty and unkempt compared to her usual workaday healthy self.
"Ah'm awful sorry to interrupt you, Twah," Applejack managed, somehow completely disregarding the little dragon waiting to greet her, "but ah'm in serious peril. Somethin' terrible is happenin' t'me!"
Spike leapt back in surprise, just barely able to avoid the apple farmer as she mindlessly marched in, nearly catching him underhoof.
"Hey App... woah!" Spike yelped, diving away before nearly being trampled to death. "What the hay Applejack? How about not putting me in serious peril, huh?" He muttered some choice curses once sufficiently recovered, not that either of the mares were paying him the slightest attention. He passingly wondered if he should just burn the entire library down right there for spite – serve 'em both right. However, in retrospect, he had just re-organized the bookshelves the night before – shame to waste all that work, sigh. Pity.
"You don't look very well at all, Applejack," Twilight hummed, noting the drab colour of her friend's coat, the bags beneath her tired eyes, and the unhappy frown she wore. "What's the problem? Let me guess, Rarity spurned your affections? Or maybe you've only now just realized that first cousins can't legally marry in Equestria?"
"Trust me, it was a lot worse 'bout ten minutes ago," Applejack panted.
Twilight shrugged away her pillows, standing to address her disheveled company directly.
"Okay, so you ran all the way from the orchard for... what?"
Ah..." Applejack began, her lower lip quivering. "Ah believe i'm no longer best pony."
Twilight's smug grin fell.
"What?" She balked. "Okay, to start with, that's just terrible grammar. Secondly, what exactly is 'best pony'? Is this another depraved contest between you and Rainbow Dash to see who's got the bigger ego?"
Spike elected at that point, since Twilight was using that tone of voice he found particularly unbearable, to subtly meander towards the kitchen to find some peace and quiet – and safety. It had become a bonafide sanctuary from Twilight's daily tyranny of late, so when she was inclined to be an insufferable nag, he would hide away for hours in the larder and read some of the adult books Twilight kept in a secret hiding place he'd known about all along. He'd even taken to discreetly urinating in her lemonade, for sound measure of course. Always good to have hobbies!
"Ah'm bein' serious, Twah," Applejack removed her trademark Stetson, shook out her blonde mane, and struck a mournful pose. "Jumped out of bed, lookin' to start the day as ever, when all of the sudden this weird n' sickly feeling came over me – ah've never felt so out of sorts! Ah couldn't breathe, mah head got all thick an' pained, mah chest was on fire... ah thought I was gonna die! So ah bolted out here as quick as I could, and as ah got up to yer house, the realitization just hit me - ah'm no longer best pony. It's like I... like I don't matter as much anymore! I feel empty on the inside!"
Despite Twilight's insisting desire to correct the orange earth pony – Did AJ just say 'real-i-ti-zation'? Yeesh! – she listened intently.
"Funny," Twilight mused. "I feel like that all the time."
"Ah guess it was bound to happen sooner or later," the orange mare continued. "Heck, ah know I ain't exactly interesting! All I do is work every day, don't do much else – just sorta stand in the background and crack wise once in a while. If I had any idea it was so important t'be best pony, ah swear I would've done more... gone on more hair-brained adventures, get mixed up in strange quests... heck, maybe even tried out as a sailor – ah hear the shipping trade is very popular these days."
"Depending on the ship," Twilight coughed into her hoof.
Applejack sank to her haunches, flecking tears twinkling as they rolled down her cheeks in slow, erratic rivulets. She wiped at them whilst choking back wracking sobs, replacing her hat to shield the embarrassing emotional swell.
"... ah'm sorry. I just don't know what to do! It ain't no wonder everyone stopped thinking ah was best, but how do ah fix it? Please help me, Twilight."
The sheer weight of Applejack's despair began to play at Twilight's nerves. In a rankling way, apparently.
"Look, none of this makes any sense," Twilight huffed. "Let's consult some books and see if we can discern what a 'best pony' is, to start. Then I'll decide if this is a big waste of my time or not."
Twilight didn't mean to sound so candidly harsh, but she had a lot of research to complete, and frankly a forlorn farmer was far from educational. Nor were they terribly hygienic, the librarian sniffed. Her orange compatriot smelled a mix of tangy labour and sweet fruit, muddled with earthen sods and floral notes... subtle bodily spices intermingled with the odors of a mare in the prime of her blossoming youth...
The lavender unicorn paused, lowering her glasses to inspect the orange earth pony properly.
Hm. When exactly did Applejack get so... provocative, I wonder? she speculated inwardly. Her posture, her poise; Applejack is perfect from pectoral cranilais profundus to glutius medialis! Hm!
Twilight knit her brow, her thoughts beginning to stray from the matter at hoof.
Wait, hold on a moment – is this... kind of arousing me? Hm again! It sort of is, apparently! Perhaps some further study into the matter is in order? Yes, yes indeed... always time for research, mm. With a few scented candles adorning the bedchambers, mayhaps? Oooh yes, definitely. Maybe a full-bodied cabernet sauvignon and some silk sheets? Absolutely! Assorted leather straps, silk ropes... I bet her brother would be willing to assist me in the procedure. Mm, I just love learning...
"Yer droolin' there, sugarcube," Applejack noted, pointing at the librarian's chin.
"Well, so I am," Twilight blinked a few times, wiping her chin as the mental images drifted away. "Whups! Isn't that embarassing? Hm. Say, is it me or did it just get hot in here?"
Both mares jumped as Spike suddenly burst in from the kitchen.
"Can I interest you fine ladies in a tall glass of... lemonade?" he beamed.
The End.
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This was a genius example of literary masterwork. (Or perhaps it is the drugs I took earlier) bu either way, this was miracules.
It clearly showed that Apple Jack is not best pone and that Twilight is. Truly exellent
The ending needs more cowbell.
this was fucking amazing, too bad I couldn't help
. I probably would of made the grammar, spelling, and what ever the hell you wanted help with worse then it was in its original form, somehow. So I guess its for the best.
Excellent, I love the interaction between your characters. And that cousin thing was hilarious
1579159, 1579742, and 1580215
Thank you all, you're obviously very intelligent and lovely people.
1579195
Blue Oyster Cult loves you - me, I'm still on the fence.
This story taught me that it is possible to both favorite and downvote something at the same time.
Ummm...
I'm not entirely sure what I just read.
Sweet goodness that was a fantastic read. Your word choice was superb! I don't think I can even begin to describe my feelings towards this.
Okay... Seriously...
What?
I started, and was immediately impressed with the thought you'd put into your wording.
I continued, and became worried as I thought Applejack was having a heart attack, or something similarly life-threatening.
I continued some more, only to become extremely confused by the turn of events.
I finished, and sat for a second staring numbly at the screen.
In short: lolwut?
lolwut.com/layout/lolwut.jpg
This was a great story! The vocabulary, prose and grammar were perfect, but... that ending — I mean, what? It was, at first, a slice of life story. Applejack, obviously not feeling herself, decided to pay Twilight a visit. This oddly ends with Twilight's arousal and Spike offering lemonade. Did I miss something here? Seriously, though, this is fantastic writing. Keep it up!
That was a thing. I read it.
-Stephen Colbert
Literary masterpiece, 10/10 would read again.
I probably missed something, but maybe it's just me. Keep it up... question, what really happened here? Twi apparently finds AJ atractive... not that she isn't, she is quite cute actually
... i think i might be rambling... I'll shut up now.
Glad I decided to look at the front page today.
cdn.memegenerator.net/instances/250x250/29514092.jpg
Faved and thumbed up
1589953
If you are, by any chance, Josh Scorcher, the real thing, I have to thank you for bringing me into this community.
And sorry if I sound like a sick fanboy or a crazy fag.
1590398
Oh nononono.
It's always nice to meet a fan.
If ever there's a demand for Worst Pony -- but no, never mind, let's not go there. Forget I ever mentioned it.
img515.imageshack.us/img515/8639/scootswtfamireading.jpg
Lol but srsly, I laughed my ass off
"Or maybe you've only now just realized that first cousins can't legally marry in Equestria?"
Why is Twilight such a bitch? lol. Love Spike though, I bet he feels like that all the time, 'I should just burn down the library right now for spite... nah just cleaned up'
1590486
Never thought you would wind up here on Fimfiction. I thought you would stay only in F.O.B. Equestria and Equestria Daily . Everything's fine there in F.O.B. I presume?
Anyway is very good to be able talk with you, even knowing that I can't turn the comments section of a random guy story into a chat room.
I looking forward to read your works by the way.
Ah love yer Applejack impression.
Spot on-!!
Well, it's not like I can Unread...and that skill would be better spent on different stories.
Interesting, but neutral on the good/bad axis.
I dun get it.
This may be the best-written Troll Fic I've ever seen.
1589943
You made the entire process worthwhile.
1589971, 1589992, 1590075, 1590203, 1590503, and 1590659 -
Thank you so very much. I'm not proud of this ugly bastard child, as there were stories it was pitted against that in my opinion were superior, but it served it's purpose well. I appreciate your time to comment, and hope that you'll forgive the stunted and strange tend the story took - it was all by design, and got me a good standing in a writing contest that shall be explained later. Gods, later.
1591057
I love you. I have never attempted a story like this, and between you and Cornjob, you made me happier than... pigs and dung? What's the saying? ANYWAY. You're amazing for going through that and leaving a comment, and it's very appreciated.
Thanks to everyone who posted a comment and/or thumbed - I am absolutely astounded and alight in girlish glee! To be fair, my girlish glee is a pack of cigarettes and a night of watching anime, so... well, it's something.
*glares at screen*
Wow. Ah'm dumb.
I was just about to make a joke about where's the "lemonade." But the freakin' last sentence... *smacks own head*
Meh, I like both fics.
Don't worry, Applejack. I still think that you're best pony.
1592694
Hey, thank you for mentioning Applejack's accent too BTW - took ages to get that half right. It took way too much effort, but it's worth it for the BEST PONY!
My brain. It is full of fuck. Yet it's a delightful kind of fuck, so I shall impart an upwards thumb upon you.
I'm not gonna lie, I didn't finish reading it. I bet its funny as hell, but my brains too tired from a night of reading other fics, to process your excellent word choice. I will thumb up this and fave it for another time though
Beautiful prose, but I feel it deserves a better story that actually goes somewhere.
Yeah, I'm with Spike on this one. Both ponies treat him like crap and Twilight thinks of inviting AJ's brother to the threesome before him. Hope they enjoy their lemonade.
The loss of Best Pony status is something Spike will never experience.
1610239
Quite right, quite right.
Spike will always be best pony in my heart.
OMG SOMEONE ACTUALLY USED THIS PICTURE!
I always wished since that Appreciation event that it would spark some more AJ fiction. Shame I had very little window of opportunity to get the AJ Fic-appreciation section off the ground xD
Will read, since I really fell for this picture first time it came in! <333
...So I ask myself, "what in the hell did I just read?" The answer, of course, is genius. Strange, rambling, random, brain-scrambling genius. I don't know what amused me more... Spike being a closet sociopath, Twi being a great big horn-dog (AJ and her brother, Twi? Kinky.) or just the general lunacy of it all. In all seriousness, it's really hard to pull of this kind of humor, especially in print. You made it look pretty effortless, despite the very elaborate prose.
Martian recommended you, and clearly he has excellent taste. Will definitely be reading more from you in the future!
I'm trying to comprehend what I just read, but I just can't make any sense of this mindfuckery. I mean, Twilight has a poor sense of taste; that I understand, but... When was Applejack ever [the] best pony?
Nice to see a comedy fic that doesn't rely on overused jokes and cheap comedy, but instead has some unusual humour to offer.
Well done, although I don't really like Spike's way of taking revenge.
2005830 All the time, you just never noticed.
WAT
Of course, where this story falls down is in its main conceit. Applejack has never been best pony. :V
Applejack is always best pony to me.
You've effectively defied my expectations with this one.
4442648
I hope that's a good thing.
Back when this group contest was a humongous deal, I was brand new to The Cockroach Club and really wanted to make an impression. Now I read this story and wonder, "what if I'd actually made this a story as opposed to ... whatever this is?"
Then I make a cup of tea, sigh wistfully, and contemplate how it all went so horribly wrong.