Years have past since the changelings were driven away from Equestria, giving room for peace and love. Suddenly, Twilight is captured in the middle of the night, and is brought to the hooves of Queen Chrysalis. Seeing that she has captured the element of magic, she is determined to gain her revenge against both Twilight and anyone that has ever wronged her.
Using her dark magic, the queen transforms the unicorn into a horrifying creature. Will Twilight hold on to her sanity, and more importantly, her devotion to friends?
Or will she slip into the darkness, and lose all hope.
Props to chaos2012 for bringing me this idea. The story is mine though
Evilpresident is also onboard as a Pre-reader.
Okay, new cover art! This time it was actually made for the fic, so credit goes to BronyInvestigator
I cannot thank him enough.
i1220.photobucket.com/albums/dd445/pimpamlacasitos/obama-not-bad.jpg
Only spotted one error (Equestri instead of Equestria,) and the rest was a pretty good read. Will favorite to see where it goes.
And thanks for giving me my new profile picture as well.
Now normally I tend to avoid avoid stories with a Dark and Sad Tags but I am going to put that aside and check out this story because the premise interests me. I will post up another comment giving my opinion of the story soon.
I like it so far and will follow it!
That been said I must ask that you dont disapoint. Also if you dont already have a proofreader, find one.
A deck would be more useful here.
I've read quite a few, Twilight becomes a changeling stories and I do want to see how you play this out. I also do need to point out that the changelings themselves didn't try to use any means of deception. They went straight to "cap and go" tactics, they could have used Twilight's sleepy state to try and... oh I don't know, trick her to going into the everfree forest under the pretense that a friend (fluttershy) needs help, then take a simple club to the back of her noggin.
It could use a little work. Some words are misspelled, in some areas you could use a better word, some sentences could use a little tweak. However, it is overall not bad. I an curious to see how you handle the next chapter now that Twilight is missing. I would recommend some revision(below are some examples) to make the chapter a bit...more.
" praying to their deity or whatever the two pray to." Try to avoid lines like that. It break immersion.
" two strangers breathed a sigh of relief." Be careful for sentences like these. While breathing is inward and sighing is outward, making them opposites, the two actions together sound redundant.
"The baby dragon was still asleep. Good. That meant one last witness for this.
“Come on, we need to get the spell placed.” Came the order, whispered, as they were directly next to the target."
Try to stick with one view per story break, it'll sound and flow better. ie:
"It looks like the dragon is still asleep."
"Good. one less witness for us to worry about. Now hurry and get over here, we need to place the spell."
Misc critiques:
-Slow down the chapter. While it is an infiltration chapter, add some description. Maybe add some more to the beginning(ie Changelings enter Ponyville and have to search for the library).
-Don't have the Changelings reveal the plan. A simple "My orders don't require me to know" can add a lot. A) makes since since the Changeling seem to be just drones for the most part. B) can add character development later if you want to add a scene where the 3 are en route to the Hive (Twi questions why they are blindly loyal)
-Use something like Sleep or Stun spell rather than tranq spell. It just rolls off the tongue easier.
Not bad, not bad at all. I will keep an eye out on this one.
Please for the love of all that is holy please tell me when you will update. If you do i will give you three adorable gifs
Just one question. Is that meant to be aurora, or just aura? I just want to check, to make sure I understood/read it right.
needs work but theres enough here for me to follow this story
Awesome, love the Twilight changeling stories, although the lings responsible for the kidnapping were kind of amateurish in a funny way.
Great job writing it. I will be looking forward to see how you take the story in your way. Good luck
gifsoup.com/webroot/animatedgifs1/1106437_o.gif
Hmm.
I'm liking this.
Will see where it ends up.
Knew
Also, the dialog seem too revealing, makes this feel almost like a comedy; not at all what the tags advertise. I like the premise, but it will take more to get a "Like" from me. //dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Spitfire_rape.png
1575924>>1575977>>1577297>>1576044
Thanks for the mistakes, I'll edit them in a moment. I'll see if I can get my friend to PR this thing for me.
1576096
*laughs* Can do, kind sir, kind do.
1576110
Botched that up should be aura.
1576812>>1577297
Eh, The next chapter *should* be darker. This is my first shot at a sad/dark fic.
'
And the master mind behind all of this is! That guy!
1577884 Here are your gifs then24.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m121w0OURn1qm02wmo1_400.gif
i0.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/newsfeed/000/208/183/90298%20-%20animated%20artist%253Atomdantherock%20artist%253Avalcron%20celestia%20filly%20gif%20luna%20spinning.gif?1322379782
i.chzbgr.com/completestore/12/9/22/yrf5IBYtdUm8rMAH8IAevg2.gif
Hrmm... while there are quite a few technical mistakes, the story itself seems interesting... you have my eye, sir/madame.
While the writing can undergo a little improvement and some spelling and grammar errors are hidden in there, this is looking up to be a pretty good story. Having a story with this sort of concept myself, I can't pass this one up. I'll be watching this one.
1577984
Oh gosh, where did you get these? :D
1578192>>1579276
Thanks. I'll work on the mistakes, and hopefully I'll have a PRer in a few.
very interesting, Pray and hope that this doesn't die with a whimper, but with a bang!
hehe... sorry got caught in the moment of myself. anyway... keep it up, and have a few moustaches (or 5
(notetoself: stop using ... in every single thing i post >.<)
1579301
1 http://24.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m121w0OURn1qm02wmo1_400.gif
2 http://i0.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/newsfeed/000/208/183/90298%20-%20animated%20artist%253Atomdantherock%20artist%253Avalcron%20celestia%20filly%20gif%20luna%20spinning.gif?1322379782
3 https://i.chzbgr.com/completestore/12/9/22/yrf5IBYtdUm8rMAH8IAevg2.gif
1579589
Thank Ye!
1579301
dashie.mylittlefacewhen.com/media/f/img/mlfw8281-131769487477.jpg
1579589
EDIT: never mind, I should have looked at the conversation before posting.
great first chapter! looking forward to more
Only saw one major spelling mistake.
It's a cool concept, and one I would like to see expanded upon. Good job on writing this chapter!
1580205
Fixed!
Yes, this is good... more Twiling fics! Soon there will be more Changeling! Twilight stories than Alicorn! Twilight stories!
Ahem, can you tell I like Twiling fics? Also, fav'd and upvoted.
1584403
... I hadn't realized until know I had made one of the most cliched stories on FIM...1584514 You're saying that like it's a bad thing.
I meant it when I said that this story's good, you know.
Look, I'm sorry if I offended you with my comment. I just really like stories where Twilight is/becomes a Changeling and I'm glad to see that they're gaining ground on Alicorn Twilight stories. Yours is one that I truly enjoy and I really want to know where you'll go from here
1584738
No, not mad. I'm glad that I'm taking this in a way that people enjoy. Hopefully that's all the cliches in the story.
And well, i sorta missed the notification that I had a reply. Sorry!
Thanks!
1584750 I've had some issues with that too. Someone would write a reply and I get no note of it. Seems to be happening at random, since I did get a note of your reply... must be a bug or something.
I don't think this is the first time I've seen that picture on a story here.
Hmm ... interesting and somewhat original story.
However I cannot give you a like until I see more.
In the meantime you get this!
encrypted-tbn0.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcQuesECf_-oQZSHZCSEiR3hVNpo9YkvMymfBLXjEOTsyhE_UoRi
Sounds kinda like Starcraft story with Kerrigan (not exacly copy-paste : p but has a resemblance)
1588620
Okay? I haven't read/heard of that one, so no resemblance is meant. Hopefully the two diverge in the next chapter.
1589162
its nothing to be afraid of, its just the overall idea is kinda like that "Powerfull unit capable of alot turned by some kind of insect-like swarm into abomination of its own to "lead" "
its a cool idea and the story as for now is really nicely wrote.
ugh, also sry for my terrible english i hope im somewhat understadable (short story short: I like this)
1590366
No problem. And yeah, I'm going to try and avoid that type of scenario. But time will tell!
1590536
aww...to be honest I was hoping for that kind of thing xD (I love corruption themes)
1590551
Like I said, Time will tell. I've only got about the first arc planned, and the other two are vaguely planned. Corruption may happen, but it probably won't be a major theme.
Yay! A chapter so nice, I read it twice!
Update soon please this is great
Ack! I can't even get first on my own story!Well, the usual. CCR-Comment Critic and Review.
Hmm, my idea continues.
keep up the chapters. It is interesting to see your approach
This just keeps getting better! Can't wait for the next chapter
There is an error in the first sentence but otherwise I see no real flaws. I suppose her head felt like it was stuffed with cotton rather than was felt like.
I like where I think this is going but not a lot really happened here for me to comment on.
Shet boi! Things gonna be getting serious now!
so awesome keep it up
1599711>>1601162>>1599855
Well, yes, next chapter is in the works, but no idea on the eta.
1599986
Eh, yeah... Fixed.
The next chapter should have more going on.
Something's not right about this; I can feel it. Either that's Chrysalis posing as Celestia or something else, but oh does it feel so dark.
I'd like to see more and how this plays out. Next chapter, I await.