Captain Kirk, Equestrian!

by Phoenix Quill

For she had the stars in her hair

There was a list of problems the size of the sun with Twilight's idea; chief among them was that it didn't work. The main reasoning behind that was for one simple reason; the diarch of the sun was absent from Equestria on important business with the dragons. However, she had left the kingdom in good hooves, her most trusted adviser of over three decades. Unfortunately he was sick and Luna had to take over.

Princess Luna sat on her sisters throne with a dark look on her face, seething as she weighed the consequences of her problem. On one end, action could cost a small amount of respect from her lessors. However, doing nothing was not an option at the moment, for inaction would drive her mad. Finally, with a decision in mind, Luna arose from the throne and cleared her throat to say, "Our coat has an itch; we must find the royal back scratcher."

It was just a few moments after her announcement, and the arrival of the golden scratcher that a scroll appeared before the throne. "What's this?" she exclaimed in confusion, her itch now forgotten. "A written communication from our sister?" With the sound of a light snap the seal was broken, and Luna's eyes began to gloss lightly over the note. A few words stuck out to her from Celestia's words about what Twilight had reported to her, and an eyebrow raised slightly in confusion.

"Why wouldst an alien being be," she stopped and looked around to see if anypony had caught on to what she had muttered aloud, only to find that the solar guardians that usually stood stalwart at the throne for Princess Celestia, had used the opportunity of the letter taking her eyes off of them to sneak out of the room. Luna huffed slightly as she turned back to the letter; muttering to herself, "We truly must get ourselves our own guards," before reading what her sister had to say.

It seemed like an innocent enough letter, Celestia elaborated in brief that the negotiations were tricky, but going as well as expected. She went on to tell of how she had received a letter from Twilight requesting help, and that Twilight Sparkle's letter was attached. Curious, Luna began reading the other sheet of paper, and began to feel more confused by the minute. Why would Celestia deny an opportunity to meet a being such as this?

The reason why, of course, wasn't too hard for anypony that knew Twilight Sparkle from her time in Canterlot. It wasn't because she was a liar, or some terrible thing like that. But simply that anypony that knew Twilight at all, knew that she was more than likely on the edge of a nervous break down at the drop of a hat.

Celestia knew this as well, and even though she had a favored love for her student, akin to an aunt would her favorite niece, she also knew that she had better things to do for Equestria than to indulge in what was likely her student finally losing her sanity for the final time, and decided that maintaining peace between her country and one full of dragons that would eat her subjects should they feel inclined to do so was more important than investigating her student's claims. That, and she really, really did not want to be the one to be forced to send Twilight to a sanitarium. So she passed the task to the only pony she knew deep down would do the right thing, and keep herself out of the picture.

---

The Enterprise was now slowly revolving around Star Base K-4, and everything was well in hand. The crew was happy, running efficiently and following procedures by the book. In other words, it was agreed silently throughout the ships crew that all in all, losing Kirk to the wormhole was the best thing that's ever happened to them. Naturally, there were a few that weren't doing so well; for example, McCoy, Sulu, and even Chekov all had the captain on their minds, and felt that their duty to bring him back as soon as possible was priority one.

Everyone else on the bridge felt bad that he was gone, but quickly got over it when they really sat and thought about it for longer than a few moments. And of course, Spock felt nothing at all. "Maintain orbit around the star base Mister Sulu," he said calmly before lightly pressing a button on the captain's chair. "Brig, prepare mister Mudd for delivery." The voice on the other end confirmed before closing communications, and Spock got up to exit the bridge. "Sulu, you have the helm, Doctor, please accompany me to the brig."

McCoy muttered something before getting in the turbo lift with Spock. The pair stayed quiet as the lift descended to the brig, one of them not knowing what to say to ease the uncomfortable awkwardness at the pair's missing friend. The other simply not knowing about such things as the fact that he was currently sharing an awkward silence with the ship's doctor.

Not too far off, Mudd himself looked truly miserable as he leaned against the cell walls, feeling dark pit growing in his heart as the seconds went by. It won't be long now. These incompetent fools with phasers will transfer me to slightly more competent fools that are better shots with phasers. Twenty four hours from now, I'll be in the federation re-education camp, where I'll be made a model citizen. He shuddered at the thought, even as the brig doors opened to let in Spock, McCoy and a small troupe of security guards.

"Alright, I want this transfer to be clean," Spock said with his usual straight, nearly robotic face. "Do not let him touch you, even if he seems ill or dying. Doctor McCoy here will be scanning his body at all times in case of a medical emergency." As he spoke, the doctor held up the medical tricorder, and Mudd grinned softly to himself. "Keep your phasers on high stun, if he makes a move, do not hesitate to fire."

The red shirts all nodded as they adjusted their phaser settings, and the guard in charge of the brig stood by the controls; and as soon as the word was given, Mudd's cell was opened, and it's sole occupant casually stepped out with his hands in his pockets. "Ah, a marvelous idea, a stretch of the legs on the way to my next cell."

The guard rolled his eyes as the small troop of security guards marched Mudd out of the brig and into the hall. Suddenly, Harry doubled over and gave a mighty cough, and everyone quickly drew their phasers to open fire. "DON'T MOVE! One move and we will shoot!"

Mudd however didn't react, and simply continued to cough violently. He reached out a hand and gave a mighty weeze before falling over in a heap on the floor. McCoy quickly shoved a red shirt to the side and checked over the fallen over felon and scanned him with a tricorder. Nothing happened, all readings were cold. He then reached out to check his pulse and found that there was none. "He's dead Jim. I mean, Spock."

Spock raised an eyebrow in surprise and said the only thing that came to him. "Fascinating. It would seem that there's going to be a change in plan." He then began to walk away, signaling a red shirt to follow he began issuing commands. "I want his body moved to the ships morgue, I will leave you responsible for that action. I myself will be informing the station master at K4 about these new events."

"My god man," McCoy said in his most dramatic voice. "A man just died here, and all you can think about is the procedures?"

"Procedure is an important part of how things are done," Spock said coldly. "Now, what is your name?" He asked the red shirt next to him.

"Lieutenant Joe Uribe," the man said with a flat tone.

"Mister Uribe," Spock said as he continued in the direction of the turbo lift, "Keep an eye on the body, I want it moved off of this ship as soon as possible."

---

"What do you mean they're gone?"

"Well it's like I said," Fluttershy commented as she, Spike and Twilight headed into town at a gallop. "You and Spike were in the other room, and I was making more tea for our guests, and they were gone."

Twilight gave a groan as they continued toward town. "Princess Celestia could be here at any second, and without those two we have no proof whatsoever that they even exist! We need some kind of clue."

It was almost as if on cue that the sound of a scream pierced the air, and the trio quickly headed in that direction to find a small mob of ponies standing in a circle. As they got closer to investigate, Redshirt suddenly broke free from the mob and fell in front of them. "You can't believe how happy I am to see some friendly faces."

"What happened?" Fluttershy commented softly before Twilight started to push forward to get into the center of the mob. There, she saw Kirk, in what appeared to be a hoof to horn fight with a random unicorn she'd never seen before.

Kirk was being held in a magical field and being thrown around from one side of the mob to the other, only to get up and stagger forward and hold a hoof up. He looked as if he were about to say something, when the mare slammed a tamborine upside his head with a surprising amount of kinetic energy. "I don't get it," Twilight said as she took in the scene. "What started all this?"

"Well," Redshirt said with a frown, "It all started a few minutes ago;"

Earlier,

"There doesn't seem to be anything really dangerous going on in this town," Kirk said with a clear amount of disappointment. "Maybe we should just leave."

"Oh I don't know," Ensign Ricky said with a smile. "It's really nice here." He continued to walk around the square, meandering his way towards a small group of musicians. "I think I'd like to retire here if I could."

"I'm sure you would Ensign Ri- I mean, Redshirt," Kirk said with a sigh as he followed. "But we have a commitment to Starfleet back home." The pair of them continued to talk to each other as the musicians began to parade through the crowd. The two of them seemed content to ignore them, until a green unicorn mare happened to pass between the two of them shaking her tambourine.

It was as if something was activated in Kirk. With the failed attempt at getting into a fight still looming over him, a new thought came to his mind as he followed the green mare. "Uh, Miss tambourine mare?"

The pony continued to dance as she played her instrument, using different parts of her body as contact points for the instrument to hit as she went from stallion to stallion with a seductive smile on her face, and collecting bits that were thrown at her as she did what she did best. Always with same smile on her face, one that was inviting, a come hither look that suggested a wild and dangerous time that no stallion could resist. And Kirk was one of them.

He suddenly left the side of Redshirt and began to follow the mare as she continued to dance and sway with her instrument, and he tried again to get her attention. "Miss tambourine mare?" Again, she ignored him and continued as if he wasn't there. Not used to being ignored, Kirk fell to his knees and threw his forehooves in the air and shouted as loudly as he could, "MISS TAMBOURINE MARE!"

"WHAT?!" She finally replied and stopped playing, but the look on her face was anything but serine.

---

"And he said something to her, but I didn't catch it, and then she started beating him up."

Twilight looked on in awe as the unicorn grabbed Kirk and threw him into the side of a building with extreme force. The mare then slammed the tambourine into Kirk's face and walked away in a huff. "And don't you ever dare step hoof towards me ever again!"

Twilight quickly went over to the injured pony and looked him over for any severe injuries. "Are you alright? Anything broken?"

"Only my pride," Kirk said with a frown before coughing into his hoof. "She never tore my shirt."

Twilight made a pained face, when she suddenly felt Spike's claw tap her on the side. "Uh, Twilight, I think Celestia got your letter." She turned into the direction he was pointing in, and saw a pair of royal guards marching toward her.

"Excuse me," one of the guards said in a gruff voice. "But we are under orders from Princess Luna to collect you and the ponies you claim to have discovered this morning."

"Princess Luna?" Fluttershy questioned the guard. "But I thought we sent the letter to Princess Celestia."

"Celestia is busy with an important diplomatic mission," the guard said without missing a beat. "Princess Luna therefore shall be handling this in her stead." Everypony involved all looked at each other, before Redshirt shrugged.

"I guess we see Luna then," Twilight said with a small sigh. Everypony began to pile into the carrage, only for a hoof to halt Fluttershy from entering.

"We apologize," One of the guards said as he held out his hoof. "But we are under orders to only bring Twilight Sparkle and the two ponies she says she found."

"Oh, um, well, that's fine then," Fluttershy collapsed immediately. "This is more Twilight's thing than mine anyway."

"But you were there with me when we discovered the crashed," she stopped and leaned closer to Fluttershy before whispering, "the you know what."

"Oh, no, it's fine, really," Fluttershy insisted. "Bring Spike with you instead, I've got to go home anyway. Angel gets angry if I leave without feeding him first."

"Well, if you say so," Twilight said with a slight frown. "What do you guys think?"

"Fine with me," Redshirt said. Twilight then looked at Kirk, who was busying himself by looking into a small compartment in the carriage. "I think he's fine too," Redshirt said with a frown before sitting in one of the seats.

Twilight looked at the guards with frustration as Spike sat down next to her. It didn't bother her so much that Spike was allowed to come, but it annoyed her immensely that her friend that had helped make the discovery wasn't invited to go. Giving off a sigh of disappointment before just giving in herself. "Well at least somepony important will help us."

---

Princess Luna sat down in a room and quietly waited for Twilight to come in to see her with the pair of ponies that she claimed were aliens. "Very well then, we have prepared to put our best hoof forward," she said to herself as she glanced over the small table she had prepared. "We have the small edible treats to show our hospitality, and I have Celestia's favorite boiled leaf water to show our good intent." She clapped her hooves together in excitement. "And then we will show Celestia that we are good diplomats as well, and get the respect of our guards at last for opening interstellar boarders for Equestria for the first time!"

"I'm sorry, your majesty," The guard in the room said with a frown. "But wouldn't it be better to validate these claims?"

"Oh but that's what we are doing Sergeant," Luna said with a smile. "See, this cake?" She pointed to a rather ornate looking cake in the center of the table. "It has a spell cast on it of our own design that will make anypony who eats it tell the truth."

"Impressive," the guard said with a raise of his eyebrow. "But, aren't you worried that they might suspect?"

"Oh they won't suspect a thing," Princess Luna said with a smile. "This spell hasn't been seen by anypony in over a thousand years. Even Twilight Sparkle won't suspect a thing."

"Alright," the guard said as he went to the door to open it. "Then shall I bring them in?"

"Thou may," Luna said as she put her best regal face on.

Just outside of the door, Twilight was making preparations of her own. "Now listen you two, Princess Luna hasn't been apart of Equestrian society for a while;"

"How long of a while?" Redshirt asked with a tilt of his head.

"A thousand years of exile on the moon," Twilight said with a wave of her hoof. "But that's not the important part, what is important is that she might still use much older traditions than anypony uses these days."

Kirk began to laugh at the word, 'anypony,' before being shushed by Twilight as the door began to open. "Just remember, be on your absolute best behavior." She turned to face the door as it began to open, then faced Kirk and gave a stern look. "Especially you."

Kirk gave his best innocent look and Twilight just shook her head before smiling at the guard. "Her highness Princess Luna expects you," he then stepped aside and the group lead by Twilight entered. Spike was just about to go in after them when the guard stopped him with a hoof. "Sorry little dragon, but only Twilight and her supposed discoveries only."

Spike raised a claw in protest and thought of barging in anyway, only for his face to fall slightly. "It's alright, I'm used to being left out of Twilight's adventures."

The guard watched as Spike sat down on a bench, and couldn't help but feel sorry for the little guy. "Uh, hey." Spike looked up at the guard expectantly. "I can't let you in here, but my shift here is about to end. How would you like to hang with me and the other guards that are coming off duty."

Spike rubbed his chin in contemplation for a few moments. Finally he asked, "Can I get my own sword and uniform?"

The guard smiled as his replacement came to take over the post. "Kid, I think we're gonna get along fine."

Inside the room, the trio of ponies all stood in a row. They all looked around expectantly for the princess, only to find a table full of food. "Where is she?"

"Greetings visitors!" The shout from the far corner of the room startled all three ponies, sending the ensign flat on his back in a faint. "We have been expecting you, and we have prepared for thee a glorious feast!"

Kirk bowed low to the ground before Princess Luna. "Your highness, it is an honor to meet you. I am Captain James T. Kirk, and the pony beside me is Ensign Ricky Smith."

"Strange names," Luna said with a frown. "But thou seems well mannered. I bid thee to rise," Luna said casually as she walked over to the table. "Please have a slice of cake and tea, our sister says that these are all the rage at parties today, and we can discuss the details of where you come from, and how to send you back while we make merry."

Twilight shrugged slightly and helped herself to a small slice while passing another to Kirk who was busy trying to figure out how to use his hooves to pour himself a cup of tea. "Here, let me help you." Twilight offered with a nervous smile as she poured the tea into a cup for him.

Kirk nodded in thanks and took a bite of cake before sipping on tea. He didn't even notice that his hooves did this without him having to think about it. "Wow, this cake, it's delicious!" He then took another sip of the tea and shrugged. "But I think I've had better tea before. But-" he stopped as he realized what he'd just said. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to say that."

"'Tis alright," Luna said with a smile. "Now tell us the truth." She paused for a moment to look over the pair, then pointed at Twilight. "You first, tell us, where did you find this pony?"

"He says he isn't a pony," Twilight said, nearly blurting it out before slowing down to speak properly. "I found him and his cohort in the Everfree forest inside of a crashed ship."

"Excelent," Luna said with a small nod. "At least you believe that to be true. Now you, where do you come from."

"Riverside, Iowa, United States, Earth, United Federation of Planets." He droned dully as he stared at Princess Luna with half lidded eyes.

"And why are you here?" Luna said with a steely smile.

"Our, ship had, encountered a wormhole. That's a mass of gravity in space, usually an unsteady portal leading to unknown dimensions or places in space."

"We know what a wormhole is Kirk," Luna said with a bored expression. "We raise the moon each night, and hath been observing the movements of the stars eons before thou existed!" She paused for a moment to calm down when she noticed her voice level was going up. "Now, art thou on a mission of peace, or conquest?"

"Princess Luna, I don't think that,"

"Silence Twilight Sparkle," Luna said in a harsh tone. "Thou needs to watch, and observe." She then pointed a hoof at Kirk who backed away from the dark mare slightly. "Again speak, is it peace, or conquest thou art here for?"

"We do not look for war, nor seek to conquer this planet," Kirk said with an almost remarkable sense of calmness. "We simply seek a way to repair our vessel so we may return home."

Luna nodded to the statement before grabbing herself a small sandwich from the table. "Well, we must admit that Equestria isn't exactly the most technologically advanced country on this earth," she said with a frown. "However, we might be able to return you home. But it will take some time to research. "

"What was that?" Ricky said as he began to stand up, only to fall forward from trying to stand upright. "Oh, still a horse," he mumbled before sitting upright.

"Ah, thou has recovered." Luna said with a smile. "We have determined that your captain's story is true, and we insist that you stay with us while we find a way to help."

"Can I share your room Princess?" Kirk said with a smile and a wink before slamming his hooves over his mouth.

The comment seemed to have flown straight over Luna's head as she carried on. "No, we believe that we have enough accommodations for you to have your own room," she said matter of factly.

Ricky looked on in awe at what had just happened and quickly walked up to Kirk and whispered, "What are you doing?"

"I can't help it, there's something in the cake that makes me tell the truth."

"Captain, can't you do something to get your mind off of your libido, that pony looks serious." They both looked at Princess Luna as she drank deep from a cup, only to have a blot of whipped cream on the end of her nose. She looked at it cross eyed and tried to lick it off with her tongue.

"But, I can't help it," Kirk said with a shake of his head. "She has the stars in her hair."

"She's also a giant magical horse," Ricky said with a frown. "Can't you try to remember that at least?"

"What's going on here?" Twilight said as she joined the pair of ponies discussion. "I can't keep up the small talk with Luna for much longer."

"Uhh, well you see," Ensign Ricky said with a frown. He looked to his right to try to get an answer out of Kirk, or a way he could explain it without being crass. The only problem was that he wasn't there.

The two of them began looking around when they spotted Kirk standing next to Princess Luna who was giggling lightly at whatever Kirk had just told her. "Oh my, but thou doth have a sense of humor. No, we haven't any stallions, it's been ages since we've been involved with a stallion. "

"Well," Kirk said with his most charming smile. "Sounds like you could use a man's company this evening."

"We're sorry, but what did thou just say?" Luna asked as a white light filled her eyes.

"Whoa hang on, er- I mean, Forgive my captain Princess Luna," Ricky said with a bow. "He's not himself late, no that isn't right. He's always like that." He actually started to sweat hard as the room darkened and Luna leaned in closer to the trio of ponies.

"Oh yes," Princess Luna said in a much louder, much darker voice. "I think I have a room for you, Kirk."

---

"So, what's next Stalwart?" Spike asked as he adjusted the guard helmet and sword he was wearing.

"Oh, you're gonna love this," Stalwart said with a grin as he opened the door in front of him. "In here is the dungeons where we keep only the most dangerous criminals against the crown."

"Whoa," Spike said as he jogged to catch up to the guard. "You mean even more dangerous than the legends of Hades?"

"Er, well, no," the guard admitted as he walked through the doorway. "But, they might not be the world destroying masterminds on god tier level as the ones in the garden, or Hades," Stalwart said with a grin. "But they are regular ponies just like, well not you as much as me, but still. Even a regular pony with enough drive can become a threat to the crown."

"Whoa," Spike said in awe as he re-adjusted his uniform and ran after the guard. "You mean, anypony can be a villain, and doesn't have to be an ancient power of evil?"

"Uh, sure," the guard said with a shrug. "But it also means that anyone can be a hero, not just some chosen one, or something like that," he said with a smile. "Oh hey, Spike, I want you to meet Lock'n Key, She's in charge of the prisoners down here. How's it goin' Lock?"

The mare in charge of the dungeon was a thestral that had a bored look on her face. She looked over at the pair and gave a tired, but friendly smile. "Hey guys, what's up?"

"Oh, nothing much, just showing the guard's tour of the castle to this little guy," Stalwart said with a smile. "So, anything new happen down here today?"

"Well, as a matter of fact, I've got a new one today," Lock said with a small grin. "Tried to flirt with the crown, possibly to gain her respect, or maybe to try and do... something." The mare opened a magazine and began to read through it. "He's got a couple visitors right now, but go on in and have a look around."

The two of the guys shrugged at her before opening the next door to lead them into the dungeon proper, only to see Twilight and Redshirt sitting outside of a cell. "Now don't worry we'll calm her down, but you kinda did this to yourself."

Spike was surprised to see them there at all, and immediately ran forward calling their names. "Twilight, Redshirt, what happened?"

"Well," Twilight said with a frown. "Somepony couldn't help himself in front of Princess Luna."

Spike leaned into the bars, and saw that Kirk was leaning against the far wall, nursing a large lump on the side of his face with a bag of ice. "It was worth it, for she had the very stars I love in her hair."

Author's Note:

Man, I'm a pretty slow writer, but now that this mid hump is over, I'm pretty sure that the rest of the story will be finished soon. Cheers to you!

Comments

[Amethyst Blade]

Well...Kirk...Going where no man has gone before.

[JohnIsOffline]

Tsk...that painful. A horse or pony kick - hoof can...break some bone.

[Boss_Hoss1]

Ooooh Wicked! The blows to his ego have got to be more painful than the physical ones. I wonder if he will manage to escape ...leave the planet before Ensign Ricky can find out why the mares are blowing their tops at the very suggestion of smexxins...

[Xenamare]

Yes ! He ( Captain ) Kirk Tried to flirt with Princess Luna ! I agree with those other Red Shirts on the Enterprise . "Kirk is a jerk " in this story * twilight in her mind goes * "Why me ?