• Member Since 21st Oct, 2012
  • offline last seen May 16th, 2020


Comments ( 38 )

I want you to answer me a question. How many sentences is this?
"The cold night air felt wonderful on Twilight's chest feeling her lungs slowly start to fill with the brisk substance allowed her to calm herself."

This was pretty good to be your first clopfic/shipping fic. will you write a sequel to this or is this it?

I'd guess two with the exceptional comma in there like i said good sir i do not have a proof reader

1574209 Don't know i only really wanted to write one shots fear of me never finishing full stories but if enough people want a second chapter maybe i will

Nice job for your first fic. There were quite a few errors but it was a good fic none the less :twilightsmile: I'm glad to see that other authors here on fimfiction are giving out clop-lite versions of their stories, its nice to give the readers a choice when possible.

Also, a helpful tip from one author to another: when writing clop, it is better to, instead of writing something like (“AAHHHHHHHHHH TWILIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”)

You instead do something like, ("Ah! Twilight!" Luna screamed out as her pleasure peaked.)

Just because she screaming it, doesn't mean the sentence needs more than one exclamation point. :ajsmug:

Hey this is an okay story. It has a lot of mistakes and issues, but it's not horrible... it's just not great. you should check out some of the proofreader groups available on this site. Not only will it make your story better, but it will make you better author.

I noticed a lot of word usage errors, some mispellings, and various other issues. An easy way to correct your mistakes is to read your story aloud to yourself to find obvious errors and remember the differences between words like: there, their, and they're / your and you're/ its and it's. If you can read your story aloud without noticing any mistakes you'll be on your way to an better story.

OK I really enjoyed it.. now we need a followup. Such as I wanna see how her friends react.

Reaction is the thing I love to get out of my stories. I love to see the reaction of ponies when stuff happens. SO ponyville reaction chapter please.

very saucy, i love it. all you really need to do is proof read it a bit more and i know, This site doesn't have a damn auto proofer so it is hard. Other than grammar and punctuation yattit yatti yatta, The story was really enjoyable and now i have to relieve myself... Excuse me.

okay I did enjoy it but it was a little bit cheesy. I hope to see more from you :twilightsmile:

very nicely done... I truly enjoyed it.

My only complaints are that Luna's dialogue feels and reads somewhat awkwardly at the start, though it does get better towards the end. My biggest complaint however, is that you constantly used "conciliations" instead of "constellations" you NEED to correct this immediately. I mean come on!//dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/sillyfilly_Twilight_Sparkle.png the first one isn't even a word!//dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/sillyfilly_Twilight_Sparkle.png :facehoof:

“Huh I always wanted to know what magic taste like” <<< best line. ever. XD


Inbthe end at The authors note you said clofic otherr than that i liked it

This needs editing, like really bad. Punctuation marks are missing and it's missing other things too.

Good story, but please edit.

So I wanted to read this, I even tried to read this. I can normally get through bad grammar and have even thumbed up stories I like that have poor grammar. However, I stopped reading about two pages in as you didn't even use a word processing program to spell check this. Seriously, toss this in Microsoft Word, OpenOffice, or Google Docs and spell check this. Trust me, I tossed this into LibreOffice and it gave me a frowny face.

It's one thing to not have an editor, it's another to just be lazy and not use free software that is out there to improve your writing.

Can't wit to read this after some editing or at least some spell checking.

Needs editing but still an awesome story. Moar!!

1575210 'conciliation' is a word. it's some law term involving two parties and a mediator(close enough).

This needs...some editing.

hey guy's OnTheTrot here i have edited it, so if you still find anything let us know.

Much better, while it still needs an editor I was able to read through it with very few problems. There are still some run on sentences and missed or to much punctuation but it's looking much better. I love authors who go back and correct their work.

This is at least three sentences and the worst offender that I saw.
I would edit it but it needs more then just punctuation to fix it:

I created that after one of my servants Sir BlueBell he was a royal foal, he was hired to entertain me and my sister thousands of years ago, I always enjoyed feats he put on shortly after me and my sister had learned to raise the sun and the moon he fell ill, he was a simple pony, that loved to make foals smile, I think he and your friend PinkiePie was it? Would have been great friends, even during his time in sickness he still enjoyed and tried his hardest to make me and my sister smile, he had not any children of his own, nay any brothers or sisters, his parents had already passed on, so he was the last of a dying legacy.

Keep up the editing and the writing. The more you do it the better you will get.

I feel like the large boxes of dialogue are rushed, there aren't enough pauses for a coherent block of sentences.

Apart from that it's alright. It just needs more frequent punctuation. .

You know few stories on fim fiction have ever made me cry and somehow this being your first fiction and somehow it makes my cry but wait it gets even better instead of tears of sadness they are tears of joy and emotion for the lovingly shipped twiluna couple. You sir are destined to make wonderful story's and don't you forget that.:twilightsmile:

O and the clop was good as well, loved the horn play.:twilightblush:


Okay, normally I don't bitch about grammar that fast, but here was really a lot which let me stop reading the story last night out of frustration, and I only finished reading it now.
First, when you want to make clear that something belongs to the person who's talking and others (or if that person is using the royal we) then use our and not are. My English teacher would rip my head clear off if I ever made that mistake.
Next, just stop the old English stuff. The royal we is okay, but even though I'm not an expert on old English, it just sounded horribly wrong.
My last point, it's must have, not must of! *gets head ripped off a second time.*

Other than that, and the overly exessive amount of tears it was a very lovely story.

1574258 I would love a sequel please very good story

1597138 Stop complaining about things the old English is one of the reasons i like Luna

I approve.:twilightsmile: great job, if you plan a sequal it's going to be featured for at least 2 weeks straight. There are little grammar mistakes but if people couldn't fix it in there heads god help them. Anyways great job, chow Bennet out.


FINALLY! TwiLuna Fic inspired by Florence! Immediately recognised it when i read the title, good job mate ^^

I find this very difficult to read, it's not the spelling or anything like that, it's just the lack of commas making sentences not make sense. Also, putting capital letters on object gets annoying, e.g. Left Fore-Hoof

You sir, have won three moustaches for a good story
The reason it's not five moustaches is because whilst it's a good story with very good pacing, and a plot of sorts, there are things that could be done better, including your use of old English. If you'd like a more detailed review, feel free to PM me. Other than that it was a good story and enjoyed it.

Comment posted by pirateking518 deleted Dec 17th, 2012

I know I already asked this before but will there be a sequel?

2 things: SEQUEL!!!!!!! Also, CELESTIA AND CADANCE? MAKE IT A STORY!!!!!!!!

Feels like it was written by Pinkie Pie on a sugar rush... but still awesome as TwiLuna is OTP.

3694887 That's me in a nutshell good sir

i do hope this story will be updated soon it already interesting and i don't like waiting years for new chapters anyway great story

Wow. I did not expect this to be continued. Good job.

Might I recommend you clean this baby up? At least properly set your AN apart. Unless you want it to stand in contrast to the sequel?

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