• Member Since 7th Aug, 2013
  • offline last seen 38 minutes ago

EdBoii


God and devil begone. Coffee runs this soul.

T

This is not a story of joy and happiness. It is not a tale of friendship or magic, of tolerance or love...

This is the ballad of Minecraftia. That land of bravery and savageness, were only those who were worthy of living were able to survive through the night, and rise during the day to meet the challenges of life once again. To defy death was an art in those fields and mountains, in those valleys and jungles, those blizzards and sandstorms were no pony had ever set hoof upon.

Forgive me for the brutality of the story, forgive me for the horrid truth behind this words. But do allow me to tell a tale of strong hearts, of free souls.

The tale of Minecraftia.


***

Cover art by me, Irongalley.

Chapters (6)
Comments ( 92 )

1576280

Haha, no worries! I am guilty of several 'firsts' as well! :twilightsmile: And thanks! It's just my little take on the minecraft universe and how I think it would be in reality, you may notice on future chapters that my view on it is a little darker than the game shows...

Welcome to the ranks of Minecraft crossovers. I am your host, Journeyman of At the End's nonexistent fame. With me is Master Denim, the sock puppet who stands in for Mr. Denim of Minecraft is Magic fame. Let's see how this bears.

Twilight Sparkle's chest filled with air as her lungs allowed air into them, it was cold, so very cold, it carried the scent of winter and pines, like a hearth warming's eve morning, it brought memories of her childhood, sitting with her mother and father by the chimney, enjoying a cup of hot chocolate, but it was so very cold.
Holy run-on sentence Batman! This is not a good way to begin how about something like this:

Twilight Sparkle's chest expanded as her lungs filled with air. It was cold, so very cold, and carried with it the scent of winter and pine. It brought memories of her childhood, sitting with her mother and father by the chimney, enjoying a cup of hot chocolate, but it was so very cold.

You also reuse the nouns "cold" and "air" too much here. Suggest rewording.

Also, you're using a few too many of these:

...sitting with her mother and father by the chimney, enjoying a cup of hot chocolate

I think they're called predicate sentences. Whatev'. The point is, don't grow too fond of them.

The rest of the story:
Okay, you are horribly abusing commas. Break up ALL of your paragraphs into neat sentences. It's very tiring to read paragraph after paragraph that is actually sentence after sentence. It's not fun to read and is grating on reader patience. Please, for the love of God, fix this.

Okay, I'm going to do away with my usual reviewing format and just list crap. Yes, I am writing this comment stream of conscious.

First off, it's awkward to see the Twilight as a human in the Overworld/Minecraftia. I saw the tag, but I figured that was due to Steve?'s presence. Make it a little more clear that Twilight is a human in this story, at least in future installments anyway.

Mostly my confusion came from your prose. I reread it and saw the signs that Twilight is humanoid, but your descriptions seem superfluously flowery and deflectory. Not much is outright told to the readers for them to digest. Twilight is human and in a new land... that's about it.

got to her knees and moved forward, like a beast
When you say this line, that's not entirely correct. Sure, it would be somewhat appropriate in our perspective, but this is Twilight here, She's never been in this new form, and would not equate crawling as anything remotely beastial. As she is accustomed to walk on all fours, it would feel more natural to her anyway.

And then you switch from a third-person narrative to a first person one. While it could be argued that the entire chapter was in first-person, just an omniscient narrator retelling events, seeing the narrator actually address himself, in addition to breaking the fourth wall, is very disjointed.

Speaking of the fourth wall, watch what the narrator does. Does he/she know that their retelling is going to be told to others? If so, than addressing readers would be fine. Otherwise, depending on who is the narrator and the circumstances of the medium entering the reader's hands, addressing readers would not be appropriate given the circumstances.

Twilight then starts having thoughts of not going back to Equestria. Why? Her thoughts, at first, seem disjointed and barely coherent. Why does she have thoughts that she can't see them again? Surely they would be on how she would find a way back instead?

And than she contemplates succumbing to death. Already, you ar all over the place in terms of setting mood and stream of conscious thinking. Twilight's thought process is all over the place, and seeing suicidal thoughts, even just contemplatory ones, is putting too much strain on reader's attention.

Depending on the means to transport Twilight there, I could acept Twiight losing her magic and her horn, but don't have it be the cliched reason "everybody's human, so of course there's no magic." That is true, but it's boring to read. There are hundreds of fics saying exactly that. Differentiate yourself from the herd.

Kill or be killed. I can accept this comment due to there being a narrator, but don't have Twilight think such thoughts so soon herself. Even in her darkest moments, she's quite optimistic. If you want her to degrade, have a good reason for it.

I'm tired and have to write my own Minecraft fanfiction now. Later.

1576608

Wowy! Never expected to get one of these! Thanks! :pinkiehappy:

Thanks for the tip on the commas, they usually are my friends but, yeah I guess I can be abusive, :derpytongue2: Anyhows, it is an omniscient narrator, although if I have to explain it I doubt I did a very good job of making it clear, sorry for that, but thanks! I'll make sure to apply some of your advise into it and yeah, guess I'll pretty up the prologue a bit, thanks again!

*looks at the cover pic*
OH GAWD WHAT THE FUCK ARE THOSE THINGS?! :applejackconfused:
Oh wait those are creepers . . . good lord they're scary!:twilightoops:

1579033

Now just imagine yourself standing in your home at night, and hearing a loud SSSSSSSSsssssssssSSSSSSSSS.

Run!

So far I liked it and I'm looking forward to what exactly this story will pertain.

1580039

As long as there's candy in that bike of yours, I'm ok with hopping in...

1580524

Nope, this story takes place about two thousand years after the original builder's death, Twilight gets to meet Steve's descendants, so to speak. Stay tuned, several pieces of lore will be given away in each chapter. :twilightsmile:

This could be interesting. And the beginning chapter really got me. This deserves a like, and a cup of tea.
...
...
I have run out of cups, so I made you tea that you'll have to go get yourself.

1581572

Curious, I happen to have tea with me at this moment. :applejackunsure:

1582010

You loved it, don't lie. :twilightsmile:

1582080 It does seem as if the the characters are being a little to.... well I can't describe it but it's breaking my immersion into it.

Im half expecting steve to save Twi. On that bomb shell thats all the time we have tonight

I like this chapter please, bring me another

I'll only say this:

I have no sympathy for this Ambriose character. At all. If a Creeper were to blow him up and steal all his stuff, I wouldn't terribly mind.

I like the great character development. Where did you learn to write like this?

Edit: and I am predicting an epic showdown between current two male characters.

Twilights extremely cute, I predict fighting soon. :twilightblush:

1583973

Thanks! :pinkiehappy: It just been a lot of learning from my mistakes and reading a bunch I guess, nothing special really. :twilightsmile: And you may be onto something with that prediction! :raritywink:

I liked it, and I am eager to see where this goes.

this is remarkably dark for a minecraftia take... refreshing it is at that. I wonder if Twilight will adapt or have a breakdown... or just go apeshit on a building frenzy. dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Twilight_crazy_invert.png

Mother of god...

That was interesting

Aztec gods and character names? You are my freaking hero. Do more of this literary ambrosia.

1603163

Glad you like it! :pinkiehappy: Btw, that emoticon will haunt me forever...

1604896

Had a lot of fun writing it, hope you enjoyed it as much as I did. :twilightsmile:

1607324If you are enjoying this a lot then yes I am enjoying this as much as you are.:pinkiehappy:

1605807

Just seems like they're kind of neglected lately :fluttercry: And dontcha worry! There will be plenty more! :pinkiehappy:

I like all of the buildup to the story so far, and I'm excitedly waiting for the next chapter.
1603163
Probably a combination of the three.

1623852

Thanks! It really means a lot :twilightsmile: I will try my hardest to deliver high quality chapters and an interesting storyline. Rest assured! Next chapter should be out before this sunday dawns.

I love,
Your writing style.
And your story.
:heart::heart::heart::heart::heart:

The only thing I ask of you for all my appreciation is a faster writing style! :pinkiesad2::pinkiesad2:

1676251

Ah, I see... You want Twilight to get on her feet and start kicking creeper butt amiright? dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_rainbowkiss_flip.png

Don'tcha worry then :twilightsmile: Work has been pouring into the nextest chapter, and yes, Twilight will be getting a LOT more screen time!

Maybe a bit too much though... dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Twilight_crazy.png

>>Irongalley

Nao, I want Twilight to be doing STUFF, like meeting people. :derpytongue2:

1690658

dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/Twilight_Sparkle_lolface.png She will, she will! The nextest chapter already has about four thousand word thingies in it so it shouldn't take very long for it to come out. Much will unfold in it and yes, Twi will get to meet everyone, including a fur coat! :twilightoops:

Its been kinda tough for me lately, I'm fighting a war on several fronts against the forces of several stories and the dreaded armies of scholarly life, but don'tcha worry! I doubt it will take longer than a few days for me to finish the chap.

In the meantime, have some cake! dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Octavia_cake.png

1704398

:derpytongue2: dunno, just picked one that seemed fitting and I guess it does reflect what I wanted to show. Might draw one of my own when I get some free time but for now it'll stay there. dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/shrug_Twilight_Sparkle.png

THERE! FREAKING FINALLY! OH SWEET CELESTIA IT TOOK FOREVER! :flutterrage:

I finally did it you guys! And I also broke the 10,000 word limit! :rainbowkiss: So proud!

Oh well, please tell me what you think, (I personally have my doubts about Twilight and her first meeting with ze humans, but those are always the hardest to write...) and do not forget to take a slice of cake before leaving! dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Octavia_cake.png

there aint no time fo dat you gotta go back into the slave cave and make moaaaaar

Holy crap... that was ... amazing.

Man, this deserves feature, it's honestly one of the best written stories I have ever seen.

1723343

Should I wear the shackles or the chains, master? dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Octavia_O_O.png

1723415

Thanks! Took a long time, but yeah, guess it came out nicely dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Bonbon_grin.png

1723849

Thanks a bunch! :pinkiehappy: I really would have loved it if it got featured, but meh... I'm happy as long as I get to write it :twilightsmile:

MMMM THIS CAKE IS DELICIOUS. :pinkiegasp:

...

Also the story is pretty good too.

And by pretty good, I mean bloody brilliant. This is intense, by the end of Chapter 1 I couldn't stop until Twilight was safe and I saw her reaction to waking up as a human (so glad you had all those chapters up by the time I found this fic). I love the idea of Minecraftia being an afterlife of sorts, and your meshing of player's behaviors with the characters depicted works really well. Same with the villagers; their being a communistic society works really well to explain their game mechanics.

I'm usually a pretty nice player with regards to the villagers, but I tend to conquer villages to take all their resources too (but then I later rebuild them more efficient, safer structures to live in! I'm nice I swear) and convert their houses into barns for livestock and take over their fields to build my own larger ones.

"Having the muscle to carry half a village in your pocket was quite the deed, even if magic played a little part in it."
:rainbowlaugh: This line cracked me up too hard. Too hard.

I'm really interested in how Blacksmith develops, too. :twilightsmile:

Oh god please write more; your world's lore is developed nicely all of your characters are interesting and I want to see more of them! :twilightoops:

OOOH, Should blacksmith meet Twilight while shes still innocent? :fluttershysad: Perhaps he should have some feeling for her to add to more love drama? :raritystarry:

GOSH DANGIT!:flutterrage: Why can't I write like this? :pinkiesad2: I know you took time on this, but it wiould take me MONTHS to write the first half of this. I envy your writing abiltiy and depth of thought into your writing.

Oh and good job by the way.

1739701

:pinkiehappy: thanks! I'm really happy you enjoy the story :twilightsmile: Also, its all about taking breaks in between writing sections, :derpytongue2: whoever said laziness doesn't pay was gravely mistaken :twilightblush:

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