Scar had found the big building the spiked back had told him about with ease, but something wasn't right. He smelled it first, there was food inside for sure, but there were also ponies, many ponies. And it was quiet, disturbingly quiet. He slowly approached the door and just as he had been told, he knocked. The big door swung open a bit and he peeked through the thin slit. It was dark inside, but on the other side of the large room he could see tables laden with food. The ponies were nowhere to be seen, but he knew they were there, the smell was unmistakable. He strained his ears, everything was quiet.
His hairs stood up. Painful memories of his last capture flooded his mind. He had been lured into a trap by his hunger before, and this was no different. But he had learned since then. Never again. He felt grief and sorrow that the ponies would once again try to cage him, he had hoped that this time would be different. Had he not been friendly enough? What had set them off? Had he done something wrong? Whatever it was, he needed to leave this place. Now.
He turned around to leave and found himself in front of the pink one, she was holding something in front of her. How had she snuck up on him? She grinned widely and there was a sudden explosion, the noise ringing in ears and his eyes filled with colors as he was flung backwards through the doors by the force of the impact.
The moment the gnoll landed on his back inside the barn he was blinded by a flash of light and a chorus of voices erupted around him, "SURPRISE!"
But their voices were drowned by the savage scream of the gnoll. He would not be captured again.
---
When Purple Haze and Spike finally arrived at the barn there was a huge hole ripped into its side, tables had been overthrown or simply ripped to pieces and the ponies looked disturbed and shocked. There wasn't anything in the barn left in tact, the boards had huge claw marks in them, there were even some in the roof. One of the pillars looked as if something had taken a huge bite out of it.
She made a quick check, no ponies had been hurt. She thanked the stars. She quickly found Twilight, "What happened?"
Twilight was slowly recovering from the shock, "I don't know! One moment we were shouting surprise and the next he went completely insane!"
In a corner of the barn sat a sobbing Pinkie Pie, "He didn't like my party! What did I do wrong? Was it to much confetti? Was the cake bad? It was the green balloons, wasn't it? I knew I should have picked blue! I only wanted to see him smile again!" she continued her wailing.
Rarity was trying to calm her, "There, there dear. You did nothing wrong! That brute however! Oh, I still shudder to think what could have happened!"
Rainbow Dash spoke up, "What the buck was that guy's problem? I've never seen anypony that angry!"
"He was scared..." the voice was quiet, but clear. The ponies turned to the yellow little pegasus, she was on the verge of tears. "Didn't you see his eyes? He was so terrified!" she turned to Purple Haze, "Why was he so scared?" the ponies were all paying close attention to her by now. Every single one of them wanted to understand what had just happened.
Purple Haze had hoped to avoid this conversation for as long as possible, but now there was no way around it. And so she told them exactly what he had once told the princess, of slavery, cages, scars and pain.
After she had told the story the ponies seemed downtrodden, Pinkie's hair had lost all fluffiness and Rarity was looking at the ground in shame. One pony had heard enough, she opened the door and started walking towards the forest. Twilight called after her, "Applejack! Where are you going?"
"Ain't it obvious? I'm gonna go get him back!"
---
He was a fool, how could he have been so naive? He should have expected this! Scar was still cursing himself even after he had stopped running. He had fled in wild panic, dashing deeper into the dark of the forest and not stopping until his lungs hurt. He looked up at the stars and growled in frustration as he realized his position. In his wild dash he had gone stray from the way to his cave, he would have to backtrack quite a bit to avoid the swamp and to head on to safety. And then?
He would have to leave the forest behind him, or hide deeper within it. The ponies were sure to give hunt soon. He decided that for the now the forest would be safe. No pony would be foolish enough to enter the forest at night. As he started to slink back through the forest his thoughts wandered to the little book inside his cape. He would miss the shiny one, she had always been truly friendly towards him.
---
On the other side of the forest seven ponies had gathered. Purple Haze had originally insisted on going after Scar alone, but after telling the story the other six ponies had been persistent to join her in her search. More than any other, Pinkie Pie and Fluttershy were determined to find him.
Purple Haze had been surprised by her change of attitude. One second ago she had been shy and timid, but the moment she had heard the gnoll's tale she had grown so furious it was almost scary. Luckily they had enough sense left in them to send Spike home. He had protested, but Purple Haze would have none of it.
Finding the place where he had entered the forest was easy enough, the gnoll had crushed several small trees that where unfortunate enough to stand in his way. Inside the forest though, things would be very different. They would have to move slowly and carefully. Flight was unthinkable in the thick foliage and even magic light provided only little sight.
"You really think you're gonna need all of that Pinkie?" an orange pony with a stetson asked.
Pinke Pie was carrying her own weight in cake and party balloons, "Of course Applejack! I still need to make him smile!"
Purple Haze shuddered at the thought, Applejack merely shook her head. "All right everypony, let's do this! Stick close together and don't stray! Winona, search!" The little dog put its nose to the ground and followed the trail, seven ponies following it as they were swallowed by the Everfree forest.
1665301
With her powers and experience I think she's able to tell a lie from the truth. I do think that she cares, but I simply don't think that there's much she can do about it. With his perception of the ponies it would be difficult if not impossible to find the ponies responsible. Besides that I'm trying to keep the story going as good as possible within the one-hour restriction, so there isn't that much space for lengthy discussions ^^
This story could be a lot better if you'd do a bit of editing. If you can't catch the errors yourself, get a friend or someone online to proofread for you. One major, major problem is that you aren't separating your speakers by paragraph.
EX:
In a corner of the barn sat a sobbing Pinkie Pie, "He didn't like my party! What did I do wrong? Was it to much confetti? Was the cake bad? It was the green balloons, wasn't it? I knew I should have picked blue! I only wanted to see him smile again!" she continued her wailing. Rarity was trying to calm her, "There, there dear. You did nothing wrong! That brute however! Oh, I still shudder to think what could have happened!"
This has two speakers in the same paragraph, and they need to be separated.
In a corner of the barn sat a sobbing Pinkie Pie, "He didn't like my party! What did I do wrong? Was it to much confetti? Was the cake bad? It was the green balloons, wasn't it? I knew I should have picked blue! I only wanted to see him smile again!" she continued her wailing.
Rarity was trying to calm her, "There, there dear. You did nothing wrong! That brute however! Oh, I still shudder to think what could have happened!"
Never have two different speakers in the same paragraph. Also, I'd recommend slowing down the pacing. It isn't a race from plot point A to plot point B. You could have fleshed this chapter out a lot more by building up the suspense before he reached the party, explaining his emotions more thoroughly, and evoked more reaction by adding descriptive weight to the carnage afterward. The concept of the story isn't bad, it just needs refinement, and when you're writing a character who is having a hard time with a language, you need your own grammar and mechanics to be as spot on as possible so the reader can fully appreciate your intent.
Tried to implement the advice given so far, did some corrections and added some minor things.
Winona's a girl, not a guy.
i thought Winona was a female? also i'm loving this story. Any story where the main character has more primal and animalistic tendencies always gets me going. also you'd think out of every single pony sitting in the barn maybe just one of them would figure out that "hey maybe jumping out of the dark and screaming at a wild animal and then firing a cannon at him MAY not be a good plan"
2267111 Corrected, thank you ^^
large group looking for him? baaaad idea two or three would be better
Just damaged the barn and tables? The ponies were lucky.
I think that Pinkie should have said "I need to apologize!" Instead of "I need to make him smile!" This way, it woul show that she knows she made a mistake. She isn't only all about parties.
Pinkie is obsessed with making others smile
Im glad ive never had a surprise party i dont know if id run away, punch the closest thing to me, or just freeze like a deer in headlights. Either way i dont like surprises
3407874
Yeah... I really hate it when authors seemingly make her all about parties. Sure, they can add stuff later to imply she's not, but why bother waiting to show something like that when we have an actual issue that Pinkie caused now?