• Member Since 5th Jan, 2012
  • offline last seen Dec 18th, 2014

artistwithouttalent


T

An Alternate Universe fic where Dash never performed the Sonic Rainboom at summer flight camp. After a few chapters, the story diverges into two separate paths, one more grimdark and depressing, and the other still sad, but less so, with an ultimately happy ending. Please comment and critique, this is my first story.

Chapters (10)
Comments ( 38 )

I liked it. Can't say anything more than that because I've been awake all night and therefore my brain isn't working, but I'm tracking this.

I really mean the next 3 words...
Cool Story Bro....ny

Two words, friend, two words: PURE AWESOME!!!!!! :rainbowkiss:

I can tell this is gonna be very sad.

Make more chapters of this, I want you to make me cry.

Dash is in trouble now. I look forward to more of this fic.

This was awesome! I can see this happning, because of the way Rainbow Dash is. Please tell us what happens to her, Fluttershy, Pinkie Pie, Twilight Sparkle, Rarity, and Applejack. I especially want to know what has happened to Fluttershy and Pinkiw Pie at this point. Keep up the great work!:pinkiehappy::heart:

124670 Nothing big being told now, but I know the pre-reader, and the story will say what happened to all of the mane six...

124670 Thanks for the feedback! Nice to see ppl like the fic. :twilightsmile:
Anyway, I've done 2 blog posts on this particular subject. I also tried to edit them, but couldn't, so I left additional info in comments on said posts.

I do not like the route this is going. Please tell me that title of the chapter is misleading

127594 Sorry, no. That chapter applies exclusively to the grimdark path, though; you can choose not to read it, and I will post the non-grimdark variant a little later. When I first envisioned this story, I envisioned 2 paths, one where that particular title is descriptive, and a different one where the mane 6, different from the versions in the show, have to take on the responsibility of the elements.

Sorry about that; I didn't like writing it, but that's how I envisioned it. It killed me to write it, if it helps. :applecry:

127605 I read the chapter before i posted that comment, I thought it was just purposely misleading

I said this last chapter, I sorta "know" the pre-reader, and I know how every chapter goes, I beleve the *NOT* grim darkish path is "Nopony dies", and the grim darkish path is Everypony dies

This is an extremely interesting idea, and the way you executed it was very good. From the very beginning you could see world-shattering differences between this story and that of FiM, which is quite appropriate enough, since Rainbow Dash's first Sonic Rainboom is arguably the catalyst for the entire series. I'm excited and curious to see where it will go, so much that I'm willing to follow both the "Everypony Dies" path and the "Nopony Dies" path (though if you're curious, I'll probably prefer the latter, despite my affinity towards dark stories!).

I don't have any complaints per say, except for a suggestion (which is ALL it is, a suggestion); I would have liked to have seen more of the other ponies beside Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash -- Twilight Sparkle, Rarity, Pinkie Pie, Applejack -- and how this event has affected them all. Granted, to be fair the story is still in it's beginning stages, with some of the last few chapters being quite short, and now that Rainbow Dash has been sent away, this is probably the time that readers will get to start seeing those things.

Looking forward to more!

138102 Trust me... all will be mentioned at some point or another...

“SIT DOWN AND SHUT UP!”

Is that a south park reference...

Sorry it took so much longer to get this new chapter out; college is nice but the workload sucks. :ajbemused:

I've just got a quick critical comment to offer. In writing you generally wanna use as few adverbs (like "uncertainly") as possible, as they tend to cut corners around what would otherwise be smoother-flowing sentences that convey more elaborate information, immersing the reader that much deeper in the scene. It's a subtle touch, but an important one. So it's often better to use a few words of description than a single adverb: for example, try variations like "he replied with a self-satisfied shrug" instead of "he nonchalantly replied".

Worse than using adverbs too often is the choice of starting a sentence with one. It should generally only happen as a part of an informal character's narration, as in "Normally, I wouldn't put up with that kind of thing from her."

A sentence like "Uncertainly, the creme-colored filly spread open her wings and jumped" is called past-tense, which we avoid because the order of words is awkward. Sentences like these are always improved by reordering so that they're not broken up with a pesky comma damaging the flow. Thus, you want to work towards something like "The creme-colored filly spread her wings open with uncertainty and jumped", but that only achieves technical correctness. In this case, you're trying to cram too much information into one short sentence. What you want to do is spread it out more. "The creme-colored filly was shaking with uncertainty as she spread her wings, but she hesitated only a moment longer and took a jump into the air before she could think twice about it." Obviously you'd work on those sentences to reflect what you really want that opener to convey, but hopefully you get what I mean.

In short, opening the first sentence of the first chapter of your story with an adverb and a comma is just an awkward way to start out, and easy to fix.

And finally a quick note on punctuation: if you follow a line of dialogue with "he said" or "said (x pony)", never end the dialogue itself with a period. See: "Even if the spoken sentence is complete, it's always ended with a comma," I advise. "Dialogue only ever ends in a period if the next word outside the quotation marks begins a completely separate sentence."

Thus:
“Thank you, doctor, that will be all,” the sergeant replied. “Dismissed.”

I really hope these notes don't come off sounding fussy and impolite. Knowing some of the little things to pay attention to when I write has really helped my confidence, so I hope I'm being helpful. :twilightsmile: I need to read more chapters to comment on the story. :twilightblush:

144787 I really made the comma mistake? Probably a one-off thing; I generally tend to be decent with grammar. As for the adverbs, I'll try to cut down on them; it's just the way I've been writing. Thanks for the tips. :pinkiesmile:

I smell a death threat from me if you don't upload another chapter soon (within a week).

Sorry It's taken so long, everyone. I've been school-occupied, and my laptop has sh*t itself twice. Hopefully I'll have the next chapter up today

226492 And by "today", I of course mean "tomorrow" :twilightblush:

Again, sorry it took so long, but life has had a way of intervening with me over the last few weeks.

Again, to everyone following this, I'm sorry about the delays; there's something up with my hard drive, so not only has my computer been incapacitated for several days, but while it's being repaired, I only have access to public computers. I plan to post more soon; spring break is one class away. :pinkiehappy:

“Besides, haven’t you heard what they do to foals who fail their flight tests?” Bullet asked.

When the ponies arrived at their final destination, Fluttershy saw a familiar face. When it came time for her to go, she pleaded with this pony for mercy. The colt laughed and threw the lever. (Chapter 5)

Do I smell a Rainbow Factory reference?

“Well, we roll the rocks around the field, and that makes gemstones grow inside them,” (...)
W-T-F?! They roll rocks and this produces the gemstones?! Uh, I know that their world laughs at the basic laws of physics, chemistry and nature, but this is too much. Plus, they should be awfuly rich.
Sorry for this outburst but this sound silly. But well, finally I know the reason why they do it. :D

“I'm adopted.”
Dun-dun-duuuuun! And the plot start.

Anyway, this is pretty interesting fanfic, so I will be wait for more.

Sorry it's taken SO LONG to update, but this semester was hell, and this chapter was difficult to figure out, and it shows.

Hello everyone! It may not look like I've updated, but I have! Reread the last chapter if you don't believe me.

Hey everyone. May be putting this on hiatus; my PC has had a processor failure and as such there is very little I can do with the story right now.

Hello again. Officially putting this on hiatus until my computer is repaired :fluttercry:
It's the only place I can save my files, and the only place I can keep it private from the anti-bronies I am currently staying with.

Wait dont wing feather grow back.

2507014 Wing feathers might, yes, but wings are far trickier, and sometimes (such as in this case) they can't be properly fixed.

I'm Back...

OK, for everyone who doesn't read my blog, I'm suspending the "Nopony Dies" story arc for now; it just doesn't provide me the same inspiration as the grimdark path does. I may come back to it later, but for now, I want to focus on one path for this story and begin another. Should have another chapter tonight :yay:

UPDATE: my mood has twirled around. I'll keep the "Nopony Dies" arc around as long as the "Everypony Dies" arc; after that I may continue it.

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