Beige is an exceedingly average mare save for just a few details; She's never found that special something that brings her the kind of joy other ponies seem to feel, and she's never gotten her cutie mark. After a particularly rough day, she might find what she's been looking for all this time. Will it be a dream come true, or the start of a nightmare?
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Yes she was.
Not much to say about this that I didn't mention in my blog post. My crack at tragedy and fully-developed OCs, This one went through a few revisions, especially the end. I think the fic on a whole turns mostly on how Beige comes across. I saw her a half a dozen different ways as the story unwound on the page. I'd be curious to know who you all felt served as the good guy, the bad guy, and the somewhere in between.
Edit:
Featured! Woot! Thanks guys!
Featured without comments and nine likes?
What kind of madness is this!
1573864
Don't try to figure out the algorithms behind the featured box. It can only end in tears. My best guess is it works off of some combination of views, like/dislike ratios, age of the story, and number of other stories the author has posted but beyond that it's a mystery
I'm a mare now. Mares are cool.
I don't normally read these sorts of stories, admittedly I read it because of my namesake. I must say I certainly do not regret it. Fantastic work, here. The whole... twist of the story was very well implemented, and completely unexpected for me. I certainly acquired a lot of feels, many unexpected. Great work!
Damn good story, but: Her last storm wasn't actually Tempest's fault. A locket is fragile and can be easily lost. It should have been enchanted so that if it was broken or Tempest stopped wearing it, then the secret agent ponies would be alerted immediately. That the secret agents weren't altered, or weren't able to react fast enough to get another locket on Tempest and stop the storm, leaves the blame squarely on their shoulders for the storm and the deaths it caused.
Again, a damn good story, but logically Princess Celestia and associates did screw up here big time. Also, I think that this story should have the dark tag in addition to the tragedy tag, but that's kinda like arguing about font types and doesn't really matter that much.
Pretty good. That twist seemed to come out of nowhere though...But overall it's a nice piece, goodjob
That right there was a good story. It reminded me of "White Box" but with all the same feels in a smaller package and a more definite conclusion (at which i squee'd aloud). There was a plot hole or two, but I didn't notice until I'd finished the story because I was concentrating on my feels. All in all, close to best fic I have read on this site.
(and you can tell I liked it a lot because I'm actually bothering to leave a comment on something for once
)
1574136
Well, it's hard to assign fault appropriately since the surges are for all intents and purposes uncontrollable natural phenomena. The Agent does more or less admit he screwed up though. I guess after so long without a containment breach he got complacent. While I didn't put a huge amount of thought into rules for how exactly the lockets would work I doubt that Beige wore it for 12 years straight without ever removing it for even a minute. I just sort of assumed that once it had taken full effect on her it would take longer to wear off, unless it was destroyed like it ended up being.
I can see the argument for a dark tag too, but in my mind the fact that she was able to fight back, go out on her own terms, and earn her cutie mark in the end disqualifies it. Tragedy, after all, should have an unhappy but meaningful ending.
1574217
I've never read that, sounds like I should check it out. Glad you enjoyed this.
What did you feel were the plot holes, if you don't mind me asking?
Pretty good. I'd even say excellent. Definitely a thumbs up from me. I didn't really notice any plot holes myself, and I was pleasantly surprised to not have noticed any grammatical or punctuation errors. But I could have been distracted by my emotional attachment to the character. She really is/was a good character.
Awsome
1574166
I did cram a lot into this, and seriously considered making it longer than a one-shot to get everything in there that I wanted too. I'm pretty happy with everything that happens before the storm, but I was a bit troubled by the worry that it might become kind of disjointed after that point, or lurch too suddenly from one direction to another. The pages after Agent Palomino shows up dump a lot of new exposition on a reader as they get the real story of Beige/Tempest's past. Is this too much telling instead of showing? Maybe.
1574843
The entire point of writing this at all, once I'd gotten the idea, was to prove to myself that I could do an original character as a protagonist. Truth be told I was petrified that people would hate Beige and scream that she was a Mary Sue. An orphan with secret powers and a mysterious past, hunted by a government agency because she was too dangerous to live? By all rights she should suck. Hence the Slice of Life portions, which once I went back and tied them into what would go down later really enhance the whole thing, I think. If you want to make the audience sympathize with a character, crush them. Establish a dream or ambition for them and then smash it to pieces while they watch. Be thorough, too, an audience will smell melodramatic overreaction to a minor setback a mile away. Everyone's experienced disappointment in their own lives, and something like an adorkable unassuming girl being violently friend-zoned by a hot guy is going to strike a chord.
Besides all that though, I almost miss Tempest already. I have no idea how I'd write around her, or what she could contribute to a story besides being a straight-up plot device with suspiciously convenient magic surges, but she would make an AMAZING sympathetic villain in another story had I not murdered her off. I really did not anticipate that when you create a character from scratch, you end up pouring a lot of yourself into them.
Still, I'd rather she be awesome in one story and go out with a bang than keep showing up and fading away until she was a joke. That would be much too Beige a fate for her.
1575390
In fan fiction it would seem, continuity isn't really a big concern. If you really want to write another story about Tempest I'd say go for it. You may have to make sure people understand it isn't a direct sequel, you could make it like a spin off.
*side note* Also it seemed like this story was two in one. The sudden shift completely changes the entire atmosphere of the story (not a criticism, just a statement.) The first half was just a regular sad slice of life. Which was really good I'm not normally into that sort of thing, but it was really interesting. I cared about what happened to her. Then the shift came. And that was a good story too. They just need to be separated. I would love reading a story about the tragic rise and fall of a villain.
You did a really great job. Tempest was thrown out of a harsh illusion to even harder reality. that right there just make all my sympathies go out to her.
1575556
I don't know if the two halves would work disconnected from one another. You'd have one story about a unicorn who's deeply depressed getting shot down and collapsing into her bed after getting drunk by herself, and the story of a unicorn who wakes up with all sorts of uncontrolled power only to be smacked down by an agent of an unseen power. I just think that the two complement each other too well to seperate. And even if I did bring Tempest back, I don't know what I'd do with her.
1575583
Thanks! None of the characters in any of my stories ever seem to get what they want, or if they do it's never what they expect it to be. Maybe a bit too much like real life. Still, Tempest fought back despite knowing the cost. That alone makes me like her.
1575688
Well it's your story and it's your choice what you do with it. I just wanted to let you know that I'm interested in reading more about Beige and Tempest. Together or Apart.
1575730
It wouldn't make any sense. It would completely invalidate an otherwise satisfying end to this story.
God, I am SO tempted to go ahead and do it anyway
1575833
Well if I'm not mistaken, Pen Stroke (One of the greatest authors on this site, in my opinion) had previously used his famous OC Nyx in a different story other than Past Sins. (which if you haven't read, or at least heard of, you need to check it NOW!)
I believe as an author you owe to yourself to write what you want to write. But if you have misgivings about it, I'll let it be.
1576107
Comparing me to Pen Stroke? That's just shameless flattery, right there.
I won't rule out ever revisiting the character. Probably Tempest rather than Beige, but who knows? I'd have to have a really compelling direction to take her in to justify it, though.
Nice
Very good read
The power-limiting locket idea strongly reminds me of Agatha Clay’s locket in Girl Genius.
This story started decently – I sympathized with Beige and hoped she would figure out what was wrong with her life. Then the story veered into the supernatural – I thought that it was unexpected, but the story could take that somewhere interesting. But I found the ending underwhelming. Suicide is indeed a hidden option in that situation, but it didn’t seem insightful or fitting enough to resolve the story satisfyingly.
That has got to be the most painful, sad, meaningful tragedy I've ever read
great job and great read!
Tempest is new best pony
how typically unfair.
Oops, no Required Secondary Powers for you, Tempest!
Guess she's
not in a position to complain anymore, though.
2088118
Yay, reference! But yeah, I want to see more of Tempest.
Palomino is kind of stupid. There was apparently no other choice. Than to be reduced to an unintelligible fragment of herself.
So What good could come from telling her that? What did he want her approval on stopping her from killing ponies. At the price of her true identity.
What's really sad is that after all those years of sensory deprivation in her epiphany of her ability. It wasn't that bad by comparison.
That said I did like the story. If you did an alternate universe story on this with Tempest. I would suggest the reformed discord helping Tempest to control the chaos of her magic.
Wow. This… wow. This story actually touched me on more levels than could reasonably be expected from such a short one-shot.
Of course, heavily OC-centric stories like this one are largely hit-and-miss. It just so happens that I can easily identify with both sides of Tempest. Which is not to say that the OC is the only reason why I liked this story: the writing is neigh-flawless as well.
My only quips are with the ending. While most of the story is written in subjective third from Tempest’s POV, we don’t get any insight on what goes inside her head during the climax of the story, when she makes her final “choice”. I also feel like the ending would have worked better by leaving her death heavily implied, rather than 100% explicit.
All in all, though, it’s a solid story. Have a fav and a nice day!
(I’m well aware that leaving criticism on a two years old story sounds like a waste of time, but it’s my way of saying thank you).
5253084
I don't mind, I read it anyway.
I kind of wish I hadn't killed her off, actually, but it wouldn't be the same story if I hadn't. Planning to bring a sort of alternate version of her back in a future story anyway.
5253727
Well, the way the story is set up, an happy ending wasn’t possible. Alive and kicking? She would cause the death of dozens. Brainwashing? That’s just going back to the initial state; not a very fulfilling resolution. Dying the death she has chosen for herself, free, at the heart of her own storm? Not exactly perfect, but it still sounds better than the other choices.
More Tempest would be awesome
The ability to take cutie marks away is now canon!
Tempest sighed and closed her eyes. Only the sound of her breathing remained.
"No," she affirmed. "I will not go back to that."
"You have to Tempest. There's no other choice."
"Yes there is!" she cried, her breathing growing louder. "All my life I've been suffocating in uncertainty and doubt. Not knowing what to do with my life, what I wanted. Do you have any idea what it's like to live as a nobody? Surrounded by other ponies who know they are, watching them live their lives to their fullest?"
She was hyperventitlating now. Cautiously, Palomino stepped closer.
"Tempest, please calm down. Be reasonable. We really can make things better for you if only you'll let us."
Palomino put on a fake smile and reached out to her. Agents like himself were trained by the best, and magic or no, If he could simply get close enough it would be a simple matter to subdue the diminutive mare. Poor thing was breathing so hard, she'd probably pass out on her own if he didn't interfere. Really, it was for her own good. But then with a frown he realized something. That wasn't her breathing he was hearing.
It was the wind.
(three weeks later in the Solar Court at Canterlot)
"How many petitioners remain?" Celestia inquired of her assistant.
"Only one, your Highness. She refused to give her name, and insisted her business was for your ears alone."
"Please see her in."
The doors opened briefly to reveal a cloaked mare, and then closed behind her.
With a beige flash of magic, a gust of wind erupted throughout the throne room, tearing the cloak from Tempest's body and leaving it as shredded rags on the ground. Her body was covered in dirt and bruises from the untold hardships of her journey, but the fury in her eyes was unblemished.
"Princess Celestia," she fumed. "Do you know who I am?"
"I do."
"Do you know why I'm here?"
The Princess smiled faintly but didn't immediately answer. Instead she grasped a nearby teapot in her magic to pour some tea. Into two cups.
"Why don't you tell me, my little pony?"
Tempest's eyes flared in defiance.
"I am here because I choose to be here! That glorious thing, taken from me all my life! Choice! Never knowing who I was or what I was meant to be. Watching all the other orphans be chosen for adoption, but never being chosen myself! But now I know who I am, and today," she smiled cruelly, "today I'm here to give you a taste of that which I was denied. I'm here to give you a choice, Princess."
The Princess levitated one teacup over to Tempest, while taking a measured sip from her own.
"And what choice is that, my little pony?"
The proffered cup was engulfed in a whirlwind of air and dashed into pieces on the palace floor.
"I will NOT go back to being who I was. My powers are fit to destruction, for wreaking havoc and vengeance across all of. I've known pain. I've known hopelesses. But now instead I can bring pain and hopelessness across all of Equestria! Pain, as I have felt, suffering that knows no bounds, misery and agony and death, the likes of which has not been seen since the days of Sombra! For I have the power of a villain, and a villain I can become."
The smell of fear filled the room, as nobles and guards alike were held firm in a grip of terror by the mad mare before them. The wind from before had grown to a maelstrom, centered on Tempest. Some few guards had tried to penetrate it to reach her, to subdue her, but none had succeeded, pushed back by the air itself. And though the wind shook the very floor of the palace itself, one immovable firmament remained: Princess Celestia.
"Or?"
All at once the wind died, and with it, so too died the power in Tempest's voice.
"Or you can kill me. Kill me, if you must. But please don't take away who I am."
She fell into an exhausted heap, the weariness of her travels having finally caught up to her. Pursing her lips as tears streamed down her face, she arched her head up to look into Celestia's eyes, expecting rage, but seeing nothing but compassion.
"Oh, my dearest little pony," the Princess cooed. "Perhaps I can offer a third option."
(Cue x-men theme music)
good read on a rainy day c:
Her reaction to the storm reminds me of my own sometimes.
There's something about a big storm that's just so freeing.
It clears your head and refreshes the world around you; not to mention that lightning is pretty darn cool.
♪ Let all laws be agreed, I'm wicked through and through,
since I can not succeed, Fiyero, saving you,
I promise no good deed, will I attempt to do again
ever again ♪
1574321
It's funny you mentioning a containment breach those years ago, I was wondering about how the chaps at SCP would handle Tempest.
I'm thinking a very thick steel cell at one of their underground sites with wind-speed and/or barometrically-triggered soporific gas.
Though of course they're less bound by matters of individual freedom.
And of course that raises another question; whether it's better to be physically free but repressed, locked away underground but still their true self, or dead.
In the end, Tempest made possibly the only choice she had.
To die, to sleep; to sleep, perchance to dream.
Hand.
I have issues with this story.
For the sake of brevity, I will mention the most glaring one from my point of view.
If your definition of "tried everything" is putting a suppression charm on an 8 year old brainwashed child with extremely destructive abilities and letting them freely into society with just a few monitoring agents then you have definitely not tried everything.