Fame. Money. Power. These are all things every pony wants when they grow up. Prosecutor Silver Tongue has ascended out of the 99% to become one of the wealthiest ponies in Manehatten, but he quickly realizes that he has sacrificed too much to get as far as he has. He decides to move his family to Ponyville and see if the magic of friendship can help him claim his old self back and bring happiness back into his familys' life.
I appreciate commentary but this is my first fiction..... so support is really what I need right now
Be patient! We will produce chapters as fast as possible but the editor(s) and I need time to make a fic that everpony will enjoy!
Edited by Ancient Lionturtle
and Help From: EternalShadow54, Dusk Quill, Luna's Guard, and sierra_seven_.
Thanks for the Support Everypony!
1571651
^ This. It's fine to be proud of your work, but let it speak for itself.
Also, you have some grammar and tense issues in your description alone.
Now for the prose itself... I'll try to be gentle and as general as I can.
The Enter key is your friend. Use it to space out the lines a little more. The format looks dangerously close to being one solid wall of text.
There's quite a few grammatical errors in here too. I'd have your editor do a double-check, or even bring in a second editor. The more eyes you can have, the better.
Number agreement issue here. It should read "one of the most widely respected and well known lawyers" or "the most widely respected and well known lawyer". Mind the plurality if you don't need it.
This, I just cannot get past. Be honest, author, did you read your story to check it for mistakes like this after throwing it into the uploader? Because that's just unacceptable.
All in all, the story has some potential - but like everything, it needs some love and care to get it in really good condition.
Alright ive edited the format so its easy on the eyes. Grammar will be solved. I promise
1571907
Alright I got the formatting changed. Its much easier on the eyes now. What else do you suggest?
I'd advise changing the title
why?
Now that looks much neater! Well done to both you and your editors for the speedy recovery effort. I'll be keeping my eye on this one to see how it progresses, and to lend a helping hoof if you need it. You're on the right track now though!
Also, changed my vote to a Thumbs Up for the editorial work, and watched.
Sweet!! Thanks so much for the support!
Interesting. A few grammatical errors here and there, missing commas and such, but nothing major. I will track this. Keep at it.
Loved it!
You need to build your sentences a little better, and separate paragraphs better. Usage of things like metaphors, alliteration, and hyperbole could really help you paint an image for your reader. Take this following text:
All right, the first two sentences are just plain wonky. They have nothing to do with the description of Orange Stripe that makes up the rest of the paragraph. Separate them. Every paragraph displays a single idea. Don't stuff more than one idea into one paragraph. Therefore, it should go:
Let's mold that a little better now!
Kinda got carried away there. But you get it, right? I separated paragraphs by ideas, making it easier to read. I used metaphors to describe what ST felt when he looked into Stripes' creepy eyes, making it more interesting for the reader.
This is something you seriously need to consider.
1581577
Thanks for the comment! I will try to incorporate that style as much as possible into the new updates! i appreciate commentary like this!
All right, I'll probably read this later because of the Phoenix Wright Pony on the front, but i don't quite think you know what the 47% (if you are referencing Romeny's 47%) means.
1600886
Ya sorry about that one of editors was the idea guy and I think he meant 99%
Not the 47% of americans that wouldnt vote for Romney.
1600886
I changed it to make it more politically accurate! Thanks for pointing that out. Im gonna have a talk with my editor about that haha
Pretty good. My only tick about it being that a few words might have been overused, more than twice in a single paragraph, but otherwise I saw no flaws, and I'm interested to see how their trip to Ponyville shall affect them. I can just imagine Pinkie Pie now...
Well, I'll come back around to reading Ch. 3, now that I know it's up.
Why didn't you tell me?
1665113
Im sorry! I thought i sent you a message! Still... tell me your thoughts
UPDATES!!!
1687728
Take out the first realizes out of, "...but realizes he quickly realizes..." first paragraph, second sentence. Just letting you know man!
Bronies help eachother out and thanks for the help with "Dissident Corruption"
1747916
I aint done with your fic yet haha ive put aside time for it tomorrow!!
Thanks, and I know. But I just feel the need to help awesome people you know?
1747955
Im far from awesome but thanks!
Hey, just something that I found. Nothing major, but you should still fix it.
"his", not "he"
I've enjoyed the story so far and can't wait for the next chapters. I like the idea behind the whole thing
1761997
Thanks! Well, Chapter 5 is coming out soon!
Now the question is, will Orange Stripe get out of jail anytime soon by any means?