• Member Since 4th Jan, 2012
  • offline last seen Oct 22nd, 2012

rlogic1994


Picked up writing a while ago, but I wanted to expand my skills into writing longer pieces.

T

Frigid Drift is an OC by http://darkpengi.deviantart.com/
and cover art also belongs to http://darkpengi.deviantart.com/
Visit the tumblr for Frigid: ask-frigiddrift.tumblr.com!

Frigid Drift had always been a pony that kept to herself. She had only ever come out of her shell when trying to stalk her favorite pegasus Rainbow Dash or when working in her job on the winter weather team. But when she decides to answer the call of duty in the Equestrian Air Corps, she is thrown into an adventure that would change her life forever. But will she learn the importance of friendship and an open mind the easy way or the hard way?

I do not own My Little Pony Friendship is Magic or any of the characters depicted in the show.

Chapters (12)
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Comments ( 49 )

113543
yes it is. the classic Ponies vs Griffins

So, finally I got the time to read your fanfic and since I think it is a shame that you received so few feedback so far on it I’ll add a small amount of it ^^

As usual I start with the good things I noticed. You made quite an effort to introduce your hero to the reader without spoiling them too much with early information about her. It’s a bit hard to introduce an OC as the “hero” of a fanfic, when the mane cast is still present, but I guess you did it quite right.

I’m also interested what way the story will go. Judging by the title it would most certainly be on the road of an army novel which focuses on the loyalty and friendship among the soldiers. We don’t have seen it yet, but I’m positive about it that we’ll see it in the coming chapters ^^


Now to the back drafts I’ve noticed so far.
You should make sure to stay in the same narrative every time. In chapter 1 (I believe) you switched from third person into first person once when you wrote “They shushed us in” at least along those lines, when the 3 pegasi where in the special recruitment tent.

Another one is that you should determine how you display thoughts of your characters. Near the end of chapter 2, when Rainbow Dash thought to herself it was a bit inconsistent.

“Had she been wrong? I mean I really thought that the white Pegasus had something more in her than speed and agility. But maybe she didn’t have what it takes…”

First sentence was third person, next one again first person. Quotation marks right at the beginning of the sentence without telling that those are thoughts is confusing as well. You should change it to first telling that thoughts are coming, or maybe write thoughts in italic.
You don’t have to make all thoughts first person, or third person respectively, sometimes one narrative is superior to the other, just don’t mix them up in so short succession ^^


Now coming to personal opinion on some things.

Beside the fact that you describe the surrounding very thoroughly it is sometimes hard to read your story. It is interesting and catching nonetheless, but exhaustive explanations tend to slow down the reading flow.
I do understand explanations and describing the surroundings are important (I liked the explaining of the cave) but keep in mind that one writers rule.

“Every sentence you write should bring the story further”

That means no “unnecessary” filler material.
But that’s my opinion, keep in mind, I’m not a native speaker so I do have some more troubles to understand what I read than native speakers.


One other thing I want to add is that it was a bit difficult to dive into your created reality. Usually I don’t have a problem to switch between different realities, but some of the statements in your story irked me and made it difficult for me to “believe” in this reality.

First one: Cloudsdale is clearly stated as the BIGGEST city in the sky during the episode “sonic rainboom” You wrote several times it’s just a small skytown :x

Second one was the quick succession of the 2 wars. The problem that I have with it, that it makes another episode of the show invalid. Meaning “Griffon the brush of” With the war in such short time intervals Gilda would never have shown up in Rainbow Dash’s life, or the first war started years later than the TV show is playing in.

The problem I have with the second is because you kept so “near” to the original setting of the TV show that is was hard for me to distance myself from the canon to your fanon. The timeline is just a bit odd to me and not very clear. At least for me it was hard to emphasize with your realm ^^’ Maybe read again over your story so far and think about what I told. You don’t have to agree with me, but maybe I got something to think about it for you.


Nevertheless I keep tracking this story, I do want to know more about Aurora, Scootaloo and Frigid with their coming adventures :twilightsmile:

Sincerely

Ratnap

125622
Woah. Someone knows their stuff. YEAH YOU TELL THAT AUTHOR!

It wasn't in any intention to be rude or mean towards the author :rainbowderp: just a few impressions I got out of it and how I see it, nothing more. I do hope my critique never hurts feelings :twilightsmile:

125622
THANKS FOR THE FEEDBACK!!^^
I will probably redo some of it later. And yeah these are written in one sitting, so i kinda dump truck on some parts. As for the time line I should probably make it a little clearer that it is a few years after the events of the show. I meant to make the time between each war longer except one of my friend who writes fics suggested 6 yrs (go figure)
And yeah i'm quite a descriptive writer and always have been. But I'm gonna go over them again soon and trim the fat.
I will definitely take your suggestions and use them. Once again thanks, I always love to get criticism like this! :pinkiehappy:

good story i am liking it :pinkiehappy:

you need to spell check this though i noticed a few mistakes that made it hard to enjoy the story at times

other than that good story:rainbowkiss:

135095
ya i really do need spell check...
Thanks though! I'm gonna go over it again soon and revise. As i will for all the chapters every few ch that come out.

:pinkiegasp: wow wasn't expecting that
good work so far cant wait to see what happens

135176
reaction to ending of ch 4? ya i wanted it to be hinted at and alluded to without the reader really knowing the connection until the end so when it hits its like "OMG THAT'S WHO THEY WERE TALKING ABOUT" Atleast that's what i was aiming for! Thanks again! :rainbowkiss:

136711
More, please? :fluttershbad:

145135
Its a-comin, but I am done editing the 1st 4 and will re-upload this week and start on ch 5 this week. Would've done it earlier, but i've been reeeeaaaalllyy busy lately lol. Glad you liked it though!

ALRIGHTY! So i finished editing ch prologue-4 and started on CH 5! :pinkiehappy:

good story update soon:yay:

188119
I will but i've been working on this sadfic recently. Reunion. Check it out if you want

So i'm almost done with ch 6 and 7. Sorry for the wait folks. We'll be back on track soon!

218217

Excellent, just found this and read everything so far. Can't wait for more.

242289
thanks ^^ i've been real behind on work but a new chapter is coming soon :D

da da daaaaaaa love the ending

saveing pvt. scoot???
i'd rather sleep with you then die i lold so hard at that

256468
ya i thought it might be good to add some humor to lighten up some of the darkness. This story was actually a little sadder/darker than i thought it would go...

Got linked to you story though the Ask Frigid Drfit Tumblr blog, this is only the second fanfic I have read and wasn't sure what it was going to be like. I think it's an awesome story and can't wait to see what direction you take it. I am currently eagerly awating the next chatper. Keep up the good work!

264111
Thanks :twilightblush:
this is the first war fic and fic i've written and I half based it off the tumblr, half off my own imagination. But i'm glad you like it!

I gotta say, I missed a couple chapters not sure how, but I re-read the whole thing.
The part with Aurora had me tearing up, and I'm a 25 year old male in the UK military.
Damn fine work sir! Please don't leave us hanging for too long!

278370
I'm not going to. But i am slowing down a bit cuz i'm working on 2 fics at once. One of which i plan to submit to EQD and hope to get on. So its kinda my first priority with stories. But i am part of the way into ch 7 and will post this weekend :D

Dude you had me worried Dash wasn't going to make it!!! :fluttershysad:
But then a double Rainboom!! :rainbowkiss::rainbowkiss:
Hope this doesn't mean we are nearing the end of the story!!
Just one question, and I know war isn't their kind of thing, but where
is Rarity and Pinkie during this time?

669126 Fair enough, I forgot that bit, but I still see no mention of Pinkie.
I'm gonna guess she's doing something to entertain the troops back home.

669146 "Entertain the troops back home" Hohohoho, my mind is now full of shit.

668883
ha yeah Rarity's helping with the uniforms and Pinkie's on a super secret spec ops mission deep in the heart of the grifin territory. I was gonna add it in but I thought because it's PInkie, that it was kinda implied

669237 Didn't mean like that!!!!:pinkiegasp:
Not sure what we call them in the UK military, but I believe the Americans
have "USO" shows or something like that.

669246 Spec Ops mission? My mind is still full of shit.

669469
XD yeah that was the idea. I mean she's more of a "I'm a bloodthirsty killer inside but smiles outside" kinda pony.

Kinda angers me that this story has 3000 views but only 9 ratings. :twilightangry2::twilightangry2::twilightangry2::twilightangry2::twilightangry2::twilightangry2::twilightangry2::twilightangry2::twilightangry2::twilightangry2::twilightangry2:

Wait a sec, Pinkie is deep within Griffin territory, and
Frigid just dropped their most powerful weapon on it??????
:pinkiegasp: :pinkiegasp::pinkiegasp:

670882
Correction. she dropped it on the front. Pinkie is deeeeeeep in the territory far away from le bomb

671148 Fair enough. Wouldn't mind finding out what she's been up to!!!

671960
Maybe I'll do a follow up extension about Pinkie. Wouldn't know what to call it though...Behind enemy Pies?

the great and powerful Lieutenant General Twilight Sparkle!

..... Why have you stolen Trixie's title?! :trixieshiftleft: :trixieshiftright: :trixieshiftleft:

773756
Haha I was glad some one noticed that. It was a jab at her. She's actually one of my favorite characters in the entire show.

Well damn, all it took was one pony to stop the war......and it still says incomplete???
Can't wait to to see what direction this is going to take now, as I'm guessing that
both some ponies and griffins are going to want to carry on the fight for the
vengeance of their fallen comrades. And who knew Icy Wind was going to be
such a pussy when it comes to matters of the heart?

831188
Well one pony with an atomic bomb yes. Think of it like Japan in WWII. 2 bombs and then surrender. Essentially the Griffins don't wanna lose anymore soldiers. Also this story is over (it's complete). But I may right some more one shots about Frigid that may or may not be related to this story. And yes Icy Wind acts all tough but he's really just a misunderstood sweetheart...or some shit.

836234
Fair enough, just wasn't sure as it said incomplete, but I congratulate you on a well thought out story
that deals with issues on war that other stories of this type on here don't, as it just seems to be "lets
kick the crap out of each other and then work things out from there" type of thing where as this one
showed us the thinking of "why am I doing these things when I don't want to do them" early on.

And yeah, didn't forget about the bomb, meant all it took was one pony with enough courage to
sacrifice themselves for the survival if the others in that way.

836584
Thanks! I got another war-ish fic coming along. Its not like this one though, it's more of a liberation from oppression kinda thing.

773756

damn you! you stole my comment before I could comment it!

This story almost made me cry. The only reason I didn't is because I kept on being interrupted while reading. Very powerful story. Makes me wish I could write well. Keep up the good work!:heart::heart::heart:

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