"We shine brightest when we are against all odds."
Steel Rune is the only foal of the Royal Canterlot Forge family, who one day dreams of being a knight of Equestria like his ancestors before him and his hero: Shining Armor. This often makes trouble for him and his family but after a series of nightmares and an accident involving a birthday party, cake and a toupee; His family felt it was best to get away from the influence of Canterlot and take a long vacation to the small town of Ponyville. Now Rune must try to adjust to his new surroundings, make friends and continue his dream of being a Knight but how will he fare with the possibility of having his dream end?
[First fanfiction ever done, so any advice, criticism and such are welcome]
Chapters (2)
It is a good start and I'm intressted in the story. I didn't really see any major things and the only thing I have to say is that I don't think this sentence runs smooth but that's just personal. *Inside the carriages, ponies of all sorts, and even some non-ponies, carried on their own business and were safely seated..* otherwise, Great story ^^ I can't wait for the next chapter.
Very nice! I couldn't find any mistakes and I already quite like the protagonist's personality.
I'd like to see more of this.
A nice intro. This is will definitely be a good story if you keep it up at this rate. You know how to make a hyperactive child's personality!
Oh and Shining Armour is his hero you say? Let's see what happens when Twiley hears this!
1782140
Was it a bit too much? because I wasn't sure how how to write decent Applejack accent.
Is English your second language? I'm asking because you've written half the sentences in this chapter in future perfect tense. Fiction is normally written in past tense. It seems the sort of mistake someone would make who was learning the language.
Past tense: This happened.
Future perfect tense: This will or would happen.
Using future perfect tense doesn't work for storytelling, it breaks up the narrative flow making it impossible to tell whether something occurred or merely was supposed to occur.
You need to back through and everywhere there is an instance of the word "would", replace it with a past tense verb. "Would see"--> "Saw." "Would go."-->"Went."
1850691
No, English is my first language but I understand what you mean, I'm actually planning to fix this chapter of all my little mistakes before I post the next one. Thank you for telling me of this mistake in my writing and I hope your enjoying the story so far.
Hey man. I can tell from the hiatus status and age of these comments that you might be losing hope. Don't. You have here the basis for an excellent story, and should you continue writing I'm sure you'll get the recognition you deserve. Or you could just be away and I could be talking out of my ass.
2435502
Thanks for your comment and encouraging words, it means a lot to me.
I've been slowly working on the story but I've run into problems with Applejack punctuation, I'm lacking an offical editor and a bunch of smaller problems that are starting to make me lose a little hope as you guessed. So I hope soon I can continue with writing this as soon as I solved theses problems.
I also hope your enjoying the story so far too?
2435610 Very much so. I'd be glad to see it continued. Have you tried asking somebody in the Proofreader's group?
2437773 Sorry for the super late reply but to answer your question, No I haven't but that's mainly because I'm not sure how to ask. I have no real experience with asking people to help me proof read and I tend to get nervious when ever asking anyone to help me.
2511794 If you want, I could look into it for you. Or, if a proofreader doesn't turn up, I've done a bit of editing before, so I could do the job if nobody better applies.
Due to how you said you get nervous when you ask for help, I went ahead and asked someone if they would like to edit this. He's a good guy, and from what I've seen of him he knows what he's doing spelling/grammar-wise. I hope this story gets an update soon, for it would be sad if this story were to fall to the unfinished depths.
2525836 Thank you and I hope to hear from him soon, as for the next chapter, It's slowly coming along and I would be about 50% written, It's the longest chapter I've written so far.
2525980 Have you heard from Mister Good Guy yet? Also, nice hat.
2558814 I haven't I'm sad to say and why thank you, your hat is nice too.