On the eve of Twilight's wedding, trouble is brewing. Fluttershy mourns the love she lost and contemplates the bitter dregs of hate. Two friends loved the same stallion and he chose one. As mysterious murders rock the city of Canterlot and an ancient evil returns to battles long abandoned, Twilight and Fluttershy will finally have that peculiar heart to heart that only rivals in love can have.
Unrequited passion is a dangerous force. In normal circumstances, a controllable one. When two mares who loved the same pony are left alone in the dark? Perhaps a lethal one.
(EDITED by the Illustrious RazedRainbow, the better craftsman. )
Chapters (10)
What happened to all the views ;_;
2573639 Sadly, when I reformatted I lost all the views! :c
2573653
Oh mai... hope it doesn't take too long to get them back...
i liked it as a single chapter but lets see what has changed
, and i just realized my poetic comment about the injures that each friend bestow in the other is gone 
great story one of my favorites, and the universe sure is interesting 
the way you handled Fluttershy injuring Twilight and Twilight doing the same but in a more "cruel" way by "forgiving" her, one of my top favorites 
Ah, this old thing. I liked this. Let's go.
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Double space.
Comma.
Comma.
Comma.
Comma.
Comma. Also, Dark Space...
Comma.
Comma.
Comma.
Comma.
No comma.
No commas.
Capitalize.
Period. Unless you want to add in another ellipsis...
Comma.
Should be a "—" like the others.
Double space.
2573747 I sincerely apologize. I didn't think about the comments until it was too late because I'm dumb. :c Cry your pardon
2574025 its cool man don't worry i was being over dramatic but i think i forgot to put a Rarity emoticon to emphasize that
i hope you get featured on EqD so you can get more views that you deserve and more people enjoy this story and this universe
Comma.
Comma.
*cough*
I'd probably cut that.
Comma.
No comma.
Comma. Got to do something about that. The comma or the and... or maybe change it a little further than that.
One or the other.
"far-off"
Comma.
Comma. Also... "everything will work you" sounds like a line from a bad clop.
Capitalize.
2574417 thankya sai
Double space.
Comma.
Comma.
Double space.
Comma.
No comma. I'd be easiest to change it to "with a laugh."
Comma.
Comma.
Comma. Period.
No comma. May be easiest to go with "(swallow)ing (heavily) before stopping.
No comma.
Comma.
Comma.
No comma.
"patience" Also, period.
Comma.
No comma.
Double space.
Double space.
Double space.
No comma. Aside.
Comma.
Comma.
Comma.
Comma.
Comma.
My reaction, a mix of this and this.
Comma. Also, you know my feelings on this particular word.
Double space.
Comma.
Comma.
Comma.
Double space.
Comma.
Double space.
Comma.
Double space.
Comma.
2573921 I would say all your suggestions of commas before 'and's are wrong. The only reason to use a comma is if there's a pause, and I don't see a definite pause in any of those sentences.
Bwahaha. That's a mighty useful wench, but I think the word you wanted was winch.
2584546 hehehehe
failure
2584044
fim.413chan.net/fim/src/132727056311-Hahaha_no.gif
Let's take a look at some of them.
We can rewrite this, using the exact same words — except "and" — to this...
Both of which are complete sentences and, consequently, independent clauses.
From another chapter...
Can become...
Again, they're independent clauses.
Yes, maybe it feels odd to have so many commas, but that is only because so many people don't use them as often as they should. You can't just use because-it-feels-right-it-must-be-right grammar, as that isn't really grammar at all.
2584044 you slept through four years of english class, didn't you? (Correct commas and apostrophes like a bau5)
2602679 Hey now. That's not nice.
2587723
*shrug*
You prompted me to research, and it's actually a debatable issue these days. I was always taught the comma is only necessary for ambiguity and when there's a pause. Which is, I guess, why the addition of so many commas that I (rightly or wrongly) see as unnecessary stood out to me.
[EDIT] I should also point out I finally found an Australian site on the issue. It's because I use Australian English. (Important to note for you too, 2602679)
Good show, author. Well done and congrats.
2643895 Thank you!
Dun Dun DUNNNNNNN!!!!!! Who is the mysterious pony? A villain we've seen before? Some pony new? I must read on! (Nice story! Have a like and a fave! Only read 2 chapters, but I'm already hooked, you're writing is really good!)
Nice EqD feature, there. Marked this one for later consumption!
2645226 Yay! Thankya.
2645115 Thank you! Heh, who could he be?
*yawns* Hmm? Oh, yet another indestructible elder asshat. Whelp, time ta work...
*enters realm with a flick of his wrist and rips Nyarlothept horizontally transverse saggitally oblique through an obfuscating priapism of nebulous dichotomies, thus obliterating the damnable thing forevers!*
*smirks* Nobody out god-modes the Deux Ex Insert.
Im going to give this a read, also i love that its named from an album from one of my favorite bands!
Hey, there! Got sent here by EqD. Congrats on that, by the way. Very much deserved based on what I just read.
I had doubts at first. Fluttershy jealous and bitter? But you played it very cool. Her emotions never felt over the top or OoC. Hell, I found myself more doubtful of the RariDash than anything else!
I haven't read Lovecraft in years, and I only read The Shadow Over Innsmoth( and to be honest... I only read that because of The Thing That Should Not Be by Metallica), but I think I may have to pick him back up. Very well done, brother!
2647395 it's a wonderful album.
2647797 Yay! Thank you. I highly recommend Lovecraft. I like Dunwich and At the Mountains of Madness, but he has a ton of good ones.
Such an incredibly well written story, makes me wish I had this kind of talent.
2652895 thankya! That's kind of you
This is getting good, reading on!
2686885 Every time I see your name I'm like
I know that name
and I have to go on a quest to find out why I do
Hey! I'm really liking the way this story is heading. There are a few errors, but nothing too bad and q97randomguy seems content enough to point them out. One note though, Pinkie said:
Do you mean ponies?
~Quills
2695168 why yes I do mean ponies.
Thankya!
Sheesh! Trying hard to force RariDash. I don't buy it. I hate any les shipping involving Rarity due to canon and rainbow in particular seems a little self centered to even be shippable. You go on about RD so much in this chapter I'm wondering if you have a crush on Rainbow Dash.
Lastly, this Raridash shipping is seriously drawing attention away from the central story.
So, I really wanted to get my idea of what flutt's necklace looked like out there.
I'm a terrible artist, but this is what I see in it looking like:
http://askunartisticpony.tumblr.com/post/53174904390/just-a-shitty-sketch-of-what-i-imagined-the
That was supremely anticlimactic.
The story, rocked. However, the climax (chapters 8-9) was the very definition of rushed. This could have easily been a 25 chapter fic, but alas, the story ends at 10.
2741082 While maybe rushed... 25 chapters? That would have been quite a stretch. To be honest, the pacing is the problem, as the material in this story kind of was spent, really. To go deeper into the Lovecraftian elements and the stuff around it would detract from the romantic conflict that is kind of the main point. Though yes, perhaps there is some rush. In that she makes a decision rather quickly, doesn't she?
But does she really? I was thinking about this. If anything, I would say the decision is perhaps never in doubt. Depends on how much you believe in Flutters, maybe. She always says Twilight is her friend.
But I dunno.
(Also thank you! That's really awesome! Not what I had pictured but not that far off! Consider yourself Tumblr followed!)
I'm probably gonna end up feeling quite bad for Fluttershy. She's an easy target. It's never a good idea to speak with ponies who call from dark crevices and refuse to enter the sunlight. Even if you are following Pinkie Pie's friendly guidance. Speaking of whom, Pinkie should never be allowed to give public service announcements unless her topics are firmly restricted to safety and reviewed extensively.
Sure with we knew where the hell Spike was. His sister/friend is engaged, for Pete's sake.
One has to wonder how likely it is for Fluttershy to find someone she can share her life with. With how timid and sheltered she is, getting out and socializing would be a challenge. The odds of finding someone who's perfect for you are already astronomical as it is. The obvious solution (and it really is quite obvious) is the only male friend she has, whom not only negates one of her most deep-seated fears, but also dominated her interest the moment they met.
2753477 to be frank with you, I love my sister to death and we have a wonderful relationship, and she does not figure into the counting of my inner circle of friends. Spike also seems to be in this way not in the innermost circle. Not to say that he isn't loved, for he plainly is that much is evident, but there wasn't really a need for him? For one thing, ALL of the males were back at their own place that night, and he is indeed male. Also, someone has to watch the library. Furthermore, he doesn't have to be everywhere in stories.
She ends up with Soarin', if you must know.
I've never had much interest in Lovecraftian literature, but I do love how you used it here, and how the romantic conflict ran its profound course through it; that confrontation between Twi and Shy was really something. They're both dear friends with strong bonds, which makes the resulting pain from the experience that much deeper: Twilight's feelings of betrayal and the subsequent guilt that Fluttershy has burdened herself with. Makes me wish I could read those missing comments to understand it a little better.
I also found some fixes you can make in chapter 7:
Thoughts should be italicized. The plain text threw me off a little.
They're running toward her, then they're suddenly there. I would work a “as soon as she saw them” in there to close the gap, but this story is probably too old for you to care.
2754290
I'm pretty sure neither of us thought this through very far. To be just as frank, your sister probably has her own friends who she spends time with. Spike doesn't. No one can say with conviction that he's excluded from Twilight's inner circle when he was her friend long before the mane six, and the mane six are the only friends he seems to have. If his only friends don't actually think of him as part of their group, who does that leave him with? His big sister's tagalong, who doesn't have any friends of his own? That would cause me to lose a lot of faith in those characters. I wouldn't be so quick to liken their situation to anyone's life, because in Equestria, there are fewer and weaker psychological barriers that would prevent them all from being a group of seven.
Read this a long time ago.
Faved because you reminded me of how much I liked it.
"We met at the grand galloping gala"
What, the gardener?
5015656
On the night of the gala. Totally different.
This was good.
Dear Princess Cynewulf,
I am now beginning another one of your stories, as you can obviously tell, and look forward to seeing where this goes. I have only read a few stories that deal with unrequited love before but this one seems to have a unique take on it.
I've also noticed that you mentioned RazedRainbow on the front page of your story. The first ponyfic/fanfic I ever read (back in 2012) was by RazedRainbow, and it was quite the story!
Sincerely,
Icelight Starkle
Dear Princess Cynewulf,
All I can think of is Cthulhu when I see his name. Also, which circle of Hell is being referenced in the chapter title? I'm not very good with Roman numerals and it's been a while since my last visit to the place. The omelets are terrible -3/7 stars.
Sincerely,
Icelight Starkle the Unimpressed (with the omelets, of course)
Is there something I missed?