The Everfree Monster

Unfoundedfall #1 · Nov 6th, 2012 · · ·

I wanted to try something a bit different with the Human in Equestria genre. Hopefully my idea isn't too unoriginal. I haven't seen any Human stories like this one, but I also don't really look for Human stories.

I left it unedited. (Except for a quick read-through by myself) If (There will be) there are any mistakes or flaws with my writing please let me know so that I may improve. (Reviews and Critiques are strongly desired.)

Sandman

Sandman #2 · Nov 7th, 2012 · · ·

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So it's a knight of some kind that's been stranded in Equestria.
Interesting.

Deep Pond

Deep Pond #3 · Nov 7th, 2012 · · ·

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Hi-ho, Deep Pond of the Train Wreck Explorers here! I have a snazzy hat and everything. Since you're asking for reviews, I'll be happy to oblige.

i284.photobucket.com/albums/ll29/Lord_Talisman/mlfw5283-Fluffle_letsdothis_zps81d6c5cb.jpg

Rated "Teen" for mild violence and death.

The first thought that occurs is "What's mild death?" Seriously, that description is fine; it's just that my mind works in odd ways sometimes.

First impressions are very favorable. Spelling is good, grammar is good, no wall-o-text, capitalization, punctuation; all fine. No obvious, major problems here.

The wicked underbrush scratched and stabbed into my uncovered flesh, almost as if the forest were trying to devour me. Few, if any, of the trees bore any kind of non-posionous fruit or nut.

You misspelled "poisonous."

Maybe I'm wrong, but the Everfree isn't portrayed as any sort of hell-jungle in canon. It's dangerous, but the ponies seem to freak out more over the fact that it runs itself, without any pony oversight. Then again, considering who the protagonist is, I'm willing to believe he's exaggerating the danger.

Speaking of which: the protagonist is Blueblood? How is he an OC? Unless this is meant to be a relative, not the actual Prince Blueblood, in which case it needs to be clarified. If that's not the case, what the derp is he doing trekking through the Everfree in quest for a monster? That seems very out of character.

Even as skilled a warrior as I was I barely stood a chance against such a monster by myself. It could take an entire squad of seasoned veterans to kill one.

I dunno, five untrained fillies went up against a manticore without a second thought in Season 1, Episode 1. Then again, if this is Blueblood . . .

It's is the contraction of it is. Its (no apostrophe) is the possessive form of it.

That ending was certainly abrupt. I read it twice before I realized what had happened (that, and the fic's "completed" status).

Overall . . . good. Very good. A few minor issues, but you know how to put words together; the story flows logically, is interesting, and is nicely tense. I recommend clarifying who the protagonist is, and elaborating on the final scene a little bit.

Final Grade: Four out of five Trixies.

i.imgur.com/3lZia.png?1
Deep Pond, TWE's knight-errant

Detective Chmilewsky

Detective Chmilewsky #4 · Nov 7th, 2012 · · ·

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This is an excellent story. Shame it didn't last any longer.

Unfoundedfall

Unfoundedfall #5 · Nov 7th, 2012 · · ·

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1575056
Thank you, I thought it was a rather unique idea myself.

1575070

Well first I'd like to thank you for reviewing the story. Also, I'm not sure if I'm supposed to respond to this extent...so if I wasn't let me know, I just wanted you to know that I've taken everything you've said into consideration.

You misspelled "poisonous."

Honestly, that's how I thought you were supposed to spell it. Spellcheck, however, insisted that "posionous" was the correct spelling. Until now I've never really had a reason to distrust spellcheck. (Except the Gdoc spellcheck, that one doesn't even have "knight". How sad is that?)

Maybe I'm wrong, but the Everfree isn't portrayed as any sort of hell-jungle in canon. It's dangerous, but the ponies seem to freak out more over the fact that it runs itself, without any pony oversight. Then again, considering who the protagonist is, I'm willing to believe he's exaggerating the danger.

I think you're actually right here. As much as I want to say it was entirely the protaganist...it wasn't. (I still wanted him to exaggerate a bit) It's been awhile since I watched any episodes containing the Everfree...and I guess I assumed it was a hell-jungle.

Speaking of which: the protagonist is Blueblood? How is he an OC? Unless this is meant to be a relative, not the actual Prince Blueblood, in which case it needs to be clarified. If that's not the case, what the derp is he doing trekking through the Everfree in quest for a monster? That seems very out of character.

It was either Prince Bluebloods Grandfather. Ever since I've started thinking about the Blueblood family, I've liked the idea that they used to actually be something noble and righteous. That the Family used to stand for something good. Over time the Bluebloods have slowly deteriorated into what Prince Blueblood is now; a spoiled snob with few (if any) redeeming qualities. I had tried to make it clear by stating that Ponyville was a newly founded town. I guess that was a failure on my part. I know that in the show it's only one to two generations old, but I'm not really sure when a town stops being new.

I dunno, five untrained fillies went up against a manticore without a second thought in Season 1, Episode 1. Then again, if this is Blueblood . . .

That's true. My only counterpoint is that they were not trying to kill the manticore and it was kind of playing with them. Animals always become much more dangerous when their lives are in danger. At least that is the vibe I got from that episode. (I'm not sure if that sounded rude, if so I didn't mean to. I'm paranoid about being rude to people.)

It's is the contraction of it is. Its (no apostrophe) is the possessive form of it.

Thank you, I've been wondering that for awhile. I never had a decent English education so there's quite a bit of basic knowledge that I don't know.

That ending was certainly abrupt. I read it twice before I realized what had happened (that, and the fic's "completed" status).

Yes, it was. There were three reasons for that. First this was the first story I've ever written an ending to, so I wasn't sure how to go about it. I'm still not. While inexperience isn't an excuse, I'm just not really sure how to go about it yet. I'll figure it out soon.

Second, one of my favorite short stories is "Dagon" by H.P. Lovecraft. It ends very abruptly. While I'm not trying to say my story is like his, I couldn't think of an ending to right in time and remembered that now all stories are very clear about that. It was basically a copout.

Third, and perhaps most important was that I ran out of time. I originally planned to write this in a single two hour session before my classes started. What I had intended to be a single writing session soon turned into a four day project. I'm a really really slow writer. (Hence why I still only have the intro chapter of my other story out.)

I'll certainly try to go back and do a better job soon.

Overall . . . good. Very good. A few minor issues, but you know how to put words together; the story flows logically, is interesting, and is nicely tense. I recommend clarifying who the protagonist is, and elaborating on the final scene a little bit.
Final Grade: Four out of five Trixies.

You've made my day, thank you so much. I've been afraid that my writing is extremely subpar and boring. As soon as I get a chance I'll go back and fix the mistakes you mentioned and flesh out the final scene a bit.

1576305

Thank you very much. I had plans for it to be longer, but college essays and midterms reared their heads. I'm not sure if this is looked down upon but I may rewrite this or write another story with the same premise and have it follow my original plans.

I hope this comment wasn't too long.

Deep Pond

Deep Pond #6 · Nov 7th, 2012 · · ·

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1577774
Respond as much or as little as you like; I'm just glad I was able to help! I always appreciate a "Hey, thanks for the review!" if nothing else.

posionous
Stupid spellcheck.

It was either Prince Bluebloods Grandfather. Ever since I've started thinking about the Blueblood family, I've liked the idea that they used to actually be something noble and righteous. That the Family used to stand for something good. Over time the Bluebloods have slowly deteriorated into what Prince Blueblood is now; a spoiled snob with few (if any) redeeming qualities.

Makes sense, and it fits with my headcanon of the Blueblood line. I have a similar idea in a fic I'm writing (completely unlike this one, though).

I had tried to make it clear by stating that Ponyville was a newly founded town. I guess that was a failure on my part. I know that in the show it's only one to two generations old, but I'm not really sure when a town stops being new.

You did say that, and I just missed it. Hm. Maybe make some reference to Celestia being sole ruler of the kingdom, or Sir Blueblood being unsure about his spoiled brat of a grandson? Even consider changing his coloration.

That's true. My only counterpoint is that they were not trying to kill the manticore and it was kind of playing with them. Animals always become much more dangerous when their lives are in danger. At least that is the vibe I got from that episode.

True enough. I could counter that the manticore was wounded and in pain, and had every reason to believe it was in danger, but it's ultimately a minor point.

(I'm not sure if that sounded rude, if so I didn't mean to. I'm paranoid about being rude to people.)

You're perfectly fine, brony. Respectful disagreement is never rude.

Thank you, I've been wondering that for awhile. I never had a decent English education so there's quite a bit of basic knowledge that I don't know.

. . . what?

If you've never had a decent English education, you have my utmost respect for writing as well as you do. I am officially impressed.

Yes, it was. There were three reasons for that. First this was the first story I've ever written an ending to, so I wasn't sure how to go about it. I'm still not. While inexperience isn't an excuse, I'm just not really sure how to go about it yet. I'll figure it out soon.

The main problem is that we cut from the knight standing there to Blueblood being cut off in mid-sentence. Have the knight step forward, raising his mace. Have Blueblood back into a rock and panic. Have something happen to indicate that time is passing.

Second, one of my favorite short stories is "Dagon" by H.P. Lovecraft. It ends very abruptly.

One of mine as well.

"God, that hand! The window! The window!"

Mother3Forever

Mother3Forever #7 · Nov 7th, 2012 · · ·

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1577774Hmmm...Blueblood....Maybe the father of the Blueblood we know?

Unfoundedfall

Unfoundedfall #8 · Nov 8th, 2012 · · ·

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1578887

You did say that, and I just missed it. Hm. Maybe make some reference to Celestia being sole ruler of the kingdom, or Sir Blueblood being unsure about his spoiled brat of a grandson? Even consider changing his coloration

So I went back last night right before bed to add that and re-read the story to find a spot to put that. I apparently did do something and forgot about it, I wrote something along the lines of "Celestia's moon lit up the night" I guess it was a subtle enough sentence that I even forgot about it. You are right about the coloration, perhaps I should change it.

. . . what?
If you've never had a decent English education, you have my utmost respect for writing as well as you do. I am officially impressed.

Thank you very much.

The main problem is that we cut from the knight standing there to Blueblood being cut off in mid-sentence. Have the knight step forward, raising his mace. Have Blueblood back into a rock and panic. Have something happen to indicate that time is passing.

Ah, that makes sense. I'll go back in a bit and fix that.