Unexpected Meeting
It was just another normal night for Daybreak. He was going for a walk, enjoying the cool, crisp air that the night would bring. Looking up at the starry night to enjoy the beauty of it. It was all going great until he heard what sounded like a faint crying. He walked towards the noise, to see if he could help, and noticed a burnt-orange Pegasus filly with a light pink mane siting alone and against a wall. She looked half starved and was very dirty. Tears were falling down her face and dripping over a half-burnt picture she was holding. Daybreak walked over to her trying his best to comfort the little filly.
“What seems to be wrong?” He asked.
”I’m alone...And it’s my fault...”
“What happened?”
“Celestia damn me why!!” the little filly said, yelling at the sky.
“What happened?” He said again, trying to get an answer from her.
“They’re dead!...In a fire I…I,” She cries harder.
“A…A fire?!”
The little filly continued to cry with coughing mixed in.
“You look like you’re hurt bad. Let me take you to the hospital.”
“No i-i-ill be fine.”
“I'm sorry but I can't leave you in such bad condition.”
“Why I’m *coughing fit* n-n-no. I wont go. I’m fi…”
She collapses to the ground, each breath getting heavier, still holding onto the photo.
He acts fast, “That's it...You need to go to the hospital. Now.” picks her up, places her on his back, and carries her to the hospital.
“Please…I’m…I’m*cough*fine.”
“Everything will be better soon. Just stay with me. Do you have a name?”
“Name? I’m*cough* Ashes.”
“Okay Ashes, my name is Da…”
The filly interrupts, “Daddy. You came back.”
Daybreak stops. “What?”
Ashes slowly moved her hooves around and hugged Daybreak’s neck.
“You came*cough* back for me. *cough* I knew you would”
“She’s getting weaker, getting delusional. I need to hurry,” He thought and started to walk faster. She won’t let go as she starts to shiver wildly.
Daybreak arrives at the hospital. Nurses ask what happened and he tells them what happened. They then take her for medical attention while he waited. She struggles with her meager strength to hold on but can’t.
“No, *cough* Da…”
“Everything will be fine, Trust me.”
It felt like hours pass until a doctor walks the doors and towards him.
“So how is she doctor? Will she be alright?”
“Nothing too major. Just some minor burn marks here and there. The cough is nothing too serious.”
“Thank Celestia.” He said in a sigh of relief.
"There is one thing we noticed though; She is much smaller and lighter than a pony her age should be. We assume she hasn’t eaten in several days. We brought in food for her to eat but she won’t even touch it and keeps asking for her dad. Are you the father?”
“No, I just found here and brought her here. She was a little delusional and though I was here dad on the way over here.”
"Well…as unfortunate as that sounds, she is asking for her father and you were the only pony with here when she came in. I highly recommend that you go see here and maybe convince her to eat.”
“Not sure how much I can do but I’ll try to help.”
They both walk to the room Ashes is kept in. A nurse is near the bed trying to feed Ashes but she keeps pushing the food away.
“I don’t want *cough* any food. I want my daddy.”
The nurse replied, “Dearie, you need to eat so you can gain your strength back. It will make you feel better.”
"Nurse, back up," the doctor ordered.
Daybreak walked in towards her. He motions to the doctor and nurses to leave. They do and shut the door.
“Please eat something.”
She sees him and puts a little smile on her face. “Daddy, you’re here.” She tries to crawl across the bed towards him. Daybreak moves close to the filly. She squirms as she tries to hug him. He gives a hug back and hears Ashes start to cry again.
“Shhh…Everything will be okay now.”
“You…you came looking for me just like you said. I-I’m sorry for everything.”
“Nothing is your fault dear. Now please, eat.”
“O…Okay.”
With his help, she slowly starts to eat the food that was there. It takes her a while; Still weak. After a while, she finishes and gets sleepy. She tugs at Daybreak to hop on the bed. He does and she snuggles up to him.
”I’m glad you’re back dad.”
I’m just glad you’re safe,” he replied while pulling the blanket over her as she shivers. She slowly dozes off.
“This sure has been one interesting and long day,” He thought as he yawns. “I should…get back…home.” He says as he himself starts to doze off.
Daybreak wakes up as the sun starts to shine over the mountains and through the window. He looks down and sees Ashes still asleep. He is able to get loose from her grip and get off the bed without waking the filly, thankfully. She starts to shiver a little so he wrapped her up in the blankets to keep her warm. He stretches his legs and looks around the room. The doctor comes into the room.
"Good morning sir. Hope you slept well."
"Good morning doctor. And sorry about that."
"It's quite alright sir. With the events that happened to you last night, I don't blame you."
"Thanks for letting me stay the night."
"She didn't want you to go."
Daybreak looks at the sleeping filly.
"Well...I just hope she gets better. I just wonder what happened to her."
"Sadly, she hasn't said much. Just wanting her dad, or in this case, you."
"Yea. I still find it weird that she thinks i'm her father."
"The photo she had may explain a lot." the doctor replies as he points at the photo.
He sees the photo she had with her last night laying on the table next to the bed. He goes over to look at the photo. It shows Ashes with her mother and father. The parents are smiling and holding up Ashes in the middle, who has a look of joy on her face. They all seem happy.
As he is looking over the photo, He notices something weird. “Wait a minute…” he said while examining the photo; Looking at the father. “That can’t be."
"You look just like her father in the photo. That's why she calls you dad"
"But that's not me."
"He sure looks like you."
"That's because the pony in the photo is my brother,... Night-breeze."
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Hi-ho, Deep Pond of the Train Wreck Explorers here! I have a snazzy hat and everything, and I'm here to give your story a good lookin'-at.
i284.photobucket.com/albums/ll29/Lord_Talisman/mlfw5283-Fluffle_letsdothis_zps81d6c5cb.jpg
Hmm . . . you're double spacing your paragraphs, your spelling and grammar is mostly good, you're starting a new paragraph for each new speaker . . . so far, so good.
OC is a pegasus, normal pony name, good, good. I can't comment on his appearance since he's not described, which is something you need to fix.
That last sentence is actually a sentence fragment, and should be either expanded into a full sentence or combined with the previous one.
You switch briefly to first-person perspective, then back. I'm guessing this was originally in first-person, but you decided to change to third.
He hasn't actually done anything yet. Also, this is a case of show-don't-tell: it's better to show us Daybreak being comforting than tell us that he is.
Speaking of, the dialogue between Daybreak and Ashes is a little dry. You need more description there: let's see Daybreak speaking softly, smiling reassuringly, trying to get her to focus on him rather than her own grief.
Missed a capital here.
*action* works in chat or forums, but not in proper writing. This should be described, thusly:
Thoughts are usually indicated with italics, which makes it much easier to distinguish thoughts from speech.
First, you've suddenly jumped to present tense instead of past tense. This is odd, and I strongly recommend sticking to past tense.
Second, you've summed things up pretty fast there. Either describe the scene and elaborate more, or simply jump ahead to Daybreak sitting in the waiting room. Since the last scene ended with him taking Ashes to the hospital, we can intuit that he got her there, the nurses took charge of her, and he currently doesn't know what her condition is.
Technical note: not eating for "days" wouldn't make her smaller than a pony her age should be (though it would make her weak and emaciated). I would expect a doctor to use terms like "she seems malnourished," or something like that.
More skipping between past and present tense.
Overall, this is pretty decent. I recommend fixing the tense issue and working on your description a bit. You might also consider finding a proofreader/editor to tidy up your grammar, which is okay but not great.
I like how you ended the chapter, but you missed a golden opportunity: you could have described Nightbreeze, thus letting us know what Daybreak looks like (since Ashes thought he was Nightbreeze, they're presumably twins).
Needs work, but shows promise. Fix up your problems and you should have a quality story here. Good luck!
i.imgur.com/3lZia.png?1
Deep Pond, TWE's knight of Gak
1616301 Listen, You are not doing anything wrong by commenting on this story, but bronies/pegasisters like you just piss me off. Who the hell are you to go around and post a review on a story without them asking you too? Seriously, I'm fine with what you posted. It's not one of those hateful reviews, but seriously, it's rude to review others stories without them wanting you too. I've seen enough people doing it on new stories and they just spam hateful things over every little mistake. I don't know where you reviewers come from but seriously... it's not nice...
I am not trying to be mean to you or tell you to stop this but could you just let them ask you to review it before you do? I'm not sure if that's the case here but with how you started your comment it didn't look like that to me.
1618366
In a word, no.
FiMFiction is a public forum. When somepony posts their story here, it is for the public to read. We have a nifty little comment system so readers can post their thoughts. I posted my thoughts about this story. I wasn't rude, I didn't flame, and I was on-topic. If an author doesn't want to listen to the public, they can just send their story to their friends via email.
I, and most of the reviewers here, are here to help budding authors. You can tell because I'm pointing out the author's mistakes so they can be corrected, not just saying "This story sucks!" This is called constructive criticism, and it is one of the most valuable things a writer can get. It's sadly true that most of those who need criticism the most don't realize they do, so they're not going to seek out groups like the TWE and ask for help. That's why we look for new stories, and stories with more dislikes than likes: those are the authors most likely to need advice, and most likely to benefit from advice.
I find it amusing that you chose to confront me on this story, which is actually pretty decent, as opposed to one of several really terrible stories I've reviewed.
1616301
First, I would like to say, thank you for your review. You have pointed out many errors that will get fixed(possibly).
With the whole switching from first-person to third-person, this chapter(and whole storyline) went through a lot of transitions. I've been working on this for a month(on and off due to college, college band trip to Indianapolis, working on another chapter for my other story) so it's been through different stages so to say. So there were some of those mistakes that got through unfortunately. As for the description, for this one, I wasn't to sure how to describe this story without revealing some surprises. I mean, even the ending was a last minute idea.
1618366
Please don't be mad at him. All the blame goes toward me. I should have been clear(at least in the description or somewhere in the story) that I am fine with constructive reviews. It is the only way I can get better. Other writers on here have someone who can proof-read for them or make edits or something but i'm going solo.
(I will reply with more later. It's about 2am here)
1619447
When I said "description," I actually meant describing stuff in the story, not the little blurb that gets people interested. That seems fine, aside from capitalizing "Filly Pegasus" for some reason.
I hope you do fix it up, because I want to see where it goes!
1616301
And, because the law of proportions compels me, I'd like to thank you for being such a good chap and taking the time to offer such assistance.
May or may not take yours on @ the Training Grounds, but it's good to see you keep at it, Caveman. Atta lad.
1619920
One thing I would like to add. Yes, i missed an opportunity to describe the characters but I wanted to leave that up to the imagination of the reader. Let the reader feel like he/she is contributing to the story by imagining who the character is. I only set it up to them being Pegasus for a plot device to work down the line. Only one thing I will reveal, The fire was no accident.