Being the highest scorer in his class, Serus Starz expected to gain his rightful spot in the Royal Guard. To his contradiction, he was sent to a different squad that consisted of a Lunar Guard and a griffon. Now, being the job of all three very diverse characters, they must learn the meaning of teamwork and cooperation to prove their name as Squad Z.
Warning: This story does contain a lot of drinking, hardly any action packed adventures, and a whole lot of facehoofing action.
Another Warning: The description and tags may change as the story moves on, but for those that aren't interested in reading a romance story, this will contain no romance what-so-ever.
Story written by Soto Konoha and Strong Charger
Cover art by Equestria-Prevails
Chapters (3)
Please, any and all constructive criticism is accepted. I don't expect you to sugar coat the story if it isn't good because that would just annoy me. Let me know what you think, and I will see what I can do to satisfy your thoughts as best as possible.
From hell, to you, and back again,
Soto Konoha, TWE Administrative 80's Reaper
hmmmmm, you sir are scheming and have a plan....I think. I like the set up, somewhat rushed in the trio at the end-a bit more to that scene may have been nice, but you could just be saving that for later. I think your scheming because even considering prank Luna/Trollestia there is no way in Tartarus that the princesses would humiliate the guard like that, I'm thinking they are making a task force of some kind......will have to wait and see, but will read...please continue
The first few paragraphs are info-dumping. We don't need to know what he looks like, his cutie mark, what he's doing, and what happened to his father all at once. Spread it out a little.
“I demand answers, Captain! Open the door!"
This would be a very bad thing to say to a superior officer. In fact, Serus Starz doesn't seem to act in a military manner through the whole story.
This chapter could have, should have, been about twice as long. You're going way too fast and overlooking things.
Your spelling is pretty good.
I do like how you managed to take the cover art and create a story from it.
Will do. Thank you all for your criticism and helpful pointers. We'll make the next chapter more pleasing.
1542539 Scheming? Yes, there might be a bit of scheming involved because we have the intentions of adding stuff later on.
1542580 I do not believe that my brother really intended him to act in a complete military manner, but I don't know. I need him to give me further detail on how Serus is like to go further with this idea, but I think that he wants him to have his own qualities yet follows the orders he are given. That is just an assumption that I have made of him so far.
1542685 Thank you for the wonderful advice, and yes, this chapter was short when I look back on it.
So I have heard all of your guys' request, and the thing that you all said was that it was rushed. I had no intention of making this anything but a simple introduction to tell you about the three characters. Yes, it was pretty much and info dump, and I can assure you that the info dumping will be avoided these upcoming chapters. Also, they will be longer than this one. I will do my best to make them 3500 words minimum, and if I think it needs to be a bit long, I will do the best thing anyone can use when they are stuck in such a situation, improvise. Anyways, chapters longer and no info dumping, got it. I would like to let you know that I am in school, so the chapters may take a while to be published. I will try my best to keep you from waiting to long. Thank you for the CC, and I will fix these errors.
From hell, to you, and back again,
Soto Konoha, TWE Administrative 80's Reaper
Squadron Z is so going to turn out to be special forces
i like the setup on this. ill track it and maybe leave some constructive criticism if i can, if only because i need a break from romance fics
.
you already seem to have a pretty good idea of any mistakes you might have made in the first chapter, one thing i noticed however is that your scenes lack some transition. ex:
...both Princess Luna and Princess Celestia.”
Captain Shining Armor was leading Serus down the barracks courtyard, and a...
here you have two different scenes in the same paragraph, it might have been smart to split them up somehow.
anyway, hope this helps, and i look foreward to the next chapter.
1545996 Oh wow, that completely flew by my head. I am usually great with my transitions, but that definite skid past my sense. Thanks for pointing that out, and I will be to watch out for those next time. Of course you can give CC along the journey into the story. Might I add that you should get comfortable because being that I have school; it will be a little difficult to get my stories written and published, but I will do my best to get it done. Thank you for the CC and I will be sure to work on it next time.
From hell, to you, and back again,
Soto Konoha, TWE Administrative 80's Reaper
I read, I enjoyed... I have some feedback.
What's great is that you guys have all the grammar, punctuation, and spelling accounted for. I only noticed one part in particular, where you had an unneeded comma.
After meet.
I'd like to drop a concept with you that I think will greatly enhance both the pace, and the story as a whole. Are you aware of 'showing and telling'? It's a slightly detailed process, but If you can master it, anything you write will be greatly enhanced. We should do a skype call, and I can give you the rundown.
~Syn3rgy
1557505 Indeed, I know about showing and telling. I know a lot about telling (because it is what I am best at), but I am really bad at showing. Yes, we can initiate a skype call. Whenever you see that I am online, send me a message, and I will call you after if I am online.
Im getting a Bad Company vibe from the make up and size of their unit.
Good, I like this. Though the conversation was a bit dull. Still, most first conversations tend go that way. I do like the idea of this, and I look forward to more.
1720958 All in good time. my friend. All in good time because usually a squad consist of four or more members; there are only three in this squad...
1721241 Indeed, it was a dull conversation with good reason. I hope you enjoy the other chapters that are to come.
1721605
So we're currently waiting on the "SGT. Redford" of the group before launching into shenanigans?
We already have Haggard(the Griffon), Sweetwater(lunar gaurd), and Marlow(Starz). Can't wait to see how their leader will turn out.
*Re-reads description*
So shenanigans based around the castle/base and not tearing up the country side in Nameless-istan?
I think I can see an annoyed Shining Armor from here!
This looks rather interesting.
1721670 Oh no, shenanigans will indeed take place. They don't need a captain on the squad to look stupid. Now that you bring up the subject about getting a captain, I will think about bringing in someone as their new captain.
Shining Armor will be annoyed by the things that they do, but a lot of events will take place... IDEA!!! I just figured out what I will do with this story and where to take it.
Just wait for two more chapters and everything will start to change. First, shenanigans need to take place to give this story a kick, or buck in pony's case.
1725836
Did I just kick start your creative juices and got you out a writer's block?
So they're going to get a straight man commander for the ladies to act a foil to and someone for Starz to do bitch work for?
They're going after mercenary/enemy gold while behind enemy lines aren't they?
Writer's block removal services are $150 USD!
I take cash, check, money order, wire transfer, gold bars, and electronics of equal or greater value
1729099 Writer's block removal service? $150? I am deeply sorry, but I am not very well fluent in the English language. My understanding of the foreign ideas and culture is strictly limit to an extent that which one can barely comprehend its true value.
Every other idea will be introduced in upcoming chapters, and it will answer all the question you will have I hope.
1732034
The writer's block removal service was just a joke anyways.
Hooray Globalization and the free exchange of ideas!!
*sets up lawn chair*
I shall wait here for the next chapters then
*pops open a beer and takes a sip*