• Member Since 5th Nov, 2011
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"I pull up, hop out, air out - made it look sexy." - Kendrick Lamar

Comments ( 288 )

Can't read it yet, but giving it a provisional thumbs up and fave for feature box purposes. I know your work, and I know you won't disappoint.

:pinkiecrazy: "Hey, Pins. Wanna know how I got my Cutie Mark?"

Hmm, it's Pinkie Pie isn't it?:trixieshiftright: Either way, the story is really good.

sign that the Manehattan’s finest were up their necks robberies,

"were up to their necks"

But it looks good so far. I like the cheap gangster act.

You know, I'm always accidently leaving out little words like "to" "it" and "but" (and "and"). It's the one mistake I make more than any other and I can't seem stop doing it. Both me and my editor never seem to catch those little buggers. Any tips on how to stop doing this?

I have the opposite problem (repeating myself). "She the opened the door."
Sometimes when editing I try to read from right to left, that helps catch some things because you have to think really hard about what was being said. Otherwise, there will always be small errors. Just do what you can and move on.

Is this thing still in moderation? What the hell?

Not bad. Good world building and sets the tone.

Can't help but think this timeline's princesses are either dead, or hopelessly incompetent, or just outright apathetic. Or they do that "gods can never intervene" thing and insist on watching as their people tear each other apart.

Although, it was mentioned that Twilight's death finally put a broom up Celestia's ass. As if she didn't have a reason to do something about Manehattan before.

So, about Pinkie. This is OBVIOUSLY Pinkie. Is this a prequel? The psychopath that killed Redheart is obviously the same pony, the whole batshit Joker vibe is too iconic to be shared by two ponies. The laughing bitch with the face paint wasn't locked up as of Eyes Without a Face, so I'm going for prequel here. Especially considering these two are talking about Manehattan as if shit hasn't hit the fan yet. Unless you're going to fuck my mind that hard and fast, Jub. And, of course, mileage tends to vary in your Manehattan.

Shit's practically Detroit.


About the only thing you can really do--and this is what I try to do all the time--is:

*Write it all in one go.
*Go back and edit.
*Go back and edit.
*Go back and edit.
*Send it to your editor, let him catch all the stuff you missed.
*Go back and edit.
*Go back and edit.

...And I still get shit wrong.:twilightangry2:

Lots of excellent writing here. Some typos and omitted words, but oh well.

He was a pegasus stallion of great wealth and high class, but he smoked cheap cigars and drank cheap liquor purchased at cheap bars.

Manehattan was a hungry beast of a city, one that fed on feeding.

Most Manehattanites lived their entire lives without seeing the splendor of the capital Canterlot, the captivating beauty of Unicorn Range, the pure crystal blue of the mountains bordering the Frozen North. Their world was small and grey and pitiless, and their attitudes and ambitions reflected this bleak backdrop.
Manhattanites, this is what we hear when you go on about how nothing outside your city matters.

Pinstripe realized it must be as simple as that when he heard Krieg use the word ‘enough.’ It was a word no criminal born in Manehattan would ever utter. In Manehattan there was more and there was less, but there was never enough.

That has got to be the scariest damn picture I have ever seen

Holy freaking Horse Apples, Bad Horse is reading this? And commenting? And up-voting? And fav-ing? That's like Christoper Nolan taking a look at your screenplay and giving you a "Heh, it's not bad."

I am now terrified to continue writing this story for fear of being picked apart but such a brilliant literary mind and exposed for the hack that I am. This should be an interesting learning experience.

If you're still wondering, the art *was* found on this page, but it appears the deviant has deleted most of his work.

Sorry about that.

1544847 dont worry, I've been reading your stuff for almost a year now, and I'll tell you, I. Love.It. all. Just sit back,keep writing about that filthy cesspool that is Manehatten, and be easy. :moustache:

Damn. I've always believed that out of all the Mane Six, Pinkie Pie and Twilight Sparkle would make the best villains, and now you've proven it. Twilight as this cold and ruthless corrupted authority, while Pinkie Pie is a hurricane of blood and laughter. BITCHES BE CRAZY YO.

Oh, and

She'd used it's hungry against it.

should be

She'd used its hunger against it.

I suddenly wanna work on my Mare-Do-Well story now. :pinkiecrazy:

1551078 Tuffy? Is that you? I haven't heard from you since Everfree like a year ago (which I still plan on finishing...eventually). Hey Everypony, see this guy Tuffylaw? He was my very first follower on this site, and I love him for it! Glad to hear you're still reading my stuff.

1551011 Nice gif. Very fitting. :pinkiecrazy:

1551088 Do it!

Everybody do it!

You hear me fim fic authors, stop what your doing and write a badass Mare-Do-Well story. Do it right now. It's cool, I'll just wait here till they're all finished.

In all seriousness though, I'm actually really surprised there aren't more Mare-Do-Well fics out there. She's basically pony Batman, it just seems so obvious. I remember when I first saw her episode, I thought there was gonna be a metric fuck-ton of fics about her. Maybe there are and I'm just not looking hard enough. Hey, if anypony out there knows about any other good Mare-Do-Well fics send them my way!

Chapter two is almost over.

This part, I didn't quite like. You seem capable of subtlety, so I've still got some heart, but I really hate it when writers turn Pinkie Pie into a godfigure who can just sort of dance around reality. Admittedly, I can imagine Chapter Two as being references to other things (specifically, the first chapter of her life was her time in Ponyville, the second chapter was whatever made her hair go straight through her time in the asylum, so Chapter three isn't "Chapter three" as much as it is her life post asylum). That might be kind of neat, basically she's trying to write a completely different story from the one that's happening. That would also fit with her conversation pattern (responding to the question she wanted Pinstripe to ask instead of what he said).
I prefer my fourth wall breaking to be integrated well enough within the narrative that it can almost be brushed over.
I'm gonna be a bad commenter and use one of my own things as an example, the first chapter of "O'Marelly's Bar & Grill." Scootaloo is constantly thinking she's being watched, feeling like a movie star, and interacting with the "audience." There's always an in-story reason for the references, so it is up to the reader to realize that the characters are calling them out on reading a gorefic.

There are good stories that use a self-aware character, "Twilight Discovers Literary Analysis" being one, but even there it is sort of ambiguous if she's right. Is she a fictional character aware that she's a fictional character, or is she a fictional character that thinks she's a fictional character, but actually isn't within the context of the story? If that makes any sense.

Anyway, aside from my far too long rant about Pinkie, this still looks good. I liked the Tongueless (and we get a Temporal reference with it!). The idea of reverting the ponies back to ... well, ponies. It is a pretty neat one. I do wonder how the gangsters get away with parading that in public. Unless Manehattan is way more corrupt than has been let on even by you're other stories.


I prefer my fourth wall breaking to be integrated well enough within the narrative that it can almost be brushed over.

Watever bro, that's like...ur opinion.

Nah, I'm kidding, you totally caught me being a lazy writer. I feel like Pinkie needs to break the fourth wall to be in character, but I couldn't come up with a really clever way to do it. Don't give me too much credit; I'm not that great a writer, man. Though thank you for the constructive criticism. I don't get nearly enough people calling me on my bullshit as I should.


Chapter two is almost over.

Well, unlike Fiddlebottoms, I liked it. You made Pinkie's twisted sanity believeable and that random, silly commentary that in fact, deep understanding of what happens, fits perfectly. And no, with her random jokes, "HER" watching and other nonsense she's talking it doesn't look like bad writing 'because it's Pinkie'. It fits. Makes them think. What part of her babbling is relevant and insightful, and what is just randomness and silly jokes.
And, of course, whole story FEELS like it is about Joker, more than many 'canon' Joker stories.

I might be the only one out of 36 people following right now who feels that way.
And it wasn't so bad as a throwaway reference, it just gave me a bad feeling. Like you enter a room and hear something buzzing. Maybe it is a wasp, or maybe I'm just getting worked up about the television. Pinkie is just one of those things that needs to be handled carefully, is all.
This is like the second time I've gone off on a rant tangentially connected to the story in your comments boxes. If it makes you feel any better, I've done it to other writers, too.

Fiddle Bs, please feel free to rant as much as you like, especially when you think I'm doing something stupid. As authors we need people jumping down our throats over every little thing, that's how we get better.

And you're right about Pinkie; she is impossible to write, especially when the story is about her.


Damn. I've always believed that out of all the Mane Six, Pinkie Pie and Twilight Sparkle would make the best villains, and now you've proven it.

Well said. I've always felt that of all the characters in the show Pinks and Twi have the greatest capacity for darkness, because we've seen both of them exhibit strange and manic behavior.

Now what's interesting is, as Feeling Pinkie Keen has showed us, they're also each others opposites and natural foils. Pinks is random and Twi doesn't do anything randomly. Twi is a scientist who needs to understand things, whereas Pinks is better at just going with the flow. In the beginning Twi has no interest in social relationships, while Pinkie is a social butterfly. And personally, I've always liked entertaining the idea that they are both equally hyper intelligent, and that that intelligence just manifests itself in different ways. Twi is learned whereas Pinkie is a natural, something of an idiot-savant. Again, opposites.

They're second only to Luna in the potential for evil department because, you know, she actually was a villain.


So, with this in mind, would that make AJ and RD reluctant villains during the end of SCOOTS? Also, why isn't this officially apart of the Eyes canon? I think it's good enough, especially if there's a damn good reason she went batshit. Twilight lost her horn, so she went bad. I'm assuming she became The Prankster because she tried to help Twilight. Maybe it was to prove to herself she was not like her sisters. But no matter how she tried, Twilight is too far gone to give her a shot at being made happy. Twilight has become a character that won't allow herself to feel happy until the Pie Sisters are "brought to justice". To quote Twi from a chapter of "Tiger and Demon":

"Only when my enemies are... ashes... will you be allowed to leave."

I'm sorry if I'm sounding pushy but THIS STORY SHOULD BE CANON.

1544847 Holy freaking Horse Apples, Bad Horse is reading this? And commenting? And up-voting? And fav-ing? That's like Christoper Nolan taking a look at your screenplay and giving you a "Heh, it's not bad."
It isn't like that, but thanks! I read it because Chuckfinley recommended it. The characterization of the Prankster, the way she gets a kick out of forcing Pinstripe to consider whether he could kill her, is excellent. She's mad, but not in the way they think she is. She's mad in not caring about the things other ponies care about, in being completely de-socialized. There's an underlying contradiction: People who are completely de-socialized shouldn't usually become charismatic leaders of crime syndicates, because they shouldn't care about social status. So what does the Prankster want?
"I do have to look my best for her, you know."
Probably not a throw-away line.

The Joker doesn't care what any other criminals think of him. He awes them into submission by being brutal and completely unafraid of them. A key problem of the Joker character is that it's hard to believe this would work. Why didn't the crime lords of Manehattan meet her outside the asylum gates and murder her immediately? Not only is she dangerous, she seems like she'd be bad for business. How did real-life psychopathic leaders do it? Idi Amin was always loyal to his own tribe. Hitler was supposedly very nice to those in his inner circle. Stalin was more Joker-like and trusted no one. I don't know how he maintained control.


So what does the Prankster want?

Ah ha! That is the question?

Why didn't the crime lords of Manehattan meet her outside the asylum gates and murder her immediately? Not only is she dangerous, she seems like she'd be bad for business.

I believe Blitzkrieg answered this question already during his conversation with Pinstripe: because they're afraid of her.

He awes them into submission by being brutal and completely unafraid of them. A key problem of the Joker character is that it's hard to believe this would work.

While I agree with this statement, in the immortal words of the Clown Prince of Crime himself, why so serious? So what if the Joker isn't realistic, he's a comic book villain. I'm not saying there isn't a place for realism in comic books but Frank Miller once said that "Comic book readers don't care about seeing every little stitch in superman's costume. We want to see him fly." I'm paraphrasing of course, but basically he was saying, yeah, things aren't always realistic but that's hardly the point. While the Joker is unbelievable that's what makes him so badass and so fun to read. Because he does shit that's just completely over the top and, well, unbelievable.

EDIT: And if you're waiting for me to do anything "realistic" please stop reading now. As anyone who is familiar with my other work can tell you, I don't concern myself with being realistic at all. I feel like as long as a writer doesn't break any of the rules he's established for his own world, not the real world, then he's on point.

1557025 I'm not saying there isn't a place for realism in comic books but Frank Miller once said that "Comic book readers don't care about seeing every little stitch in superman's costume. We want to see him fly."
Yeah, I read that. I thought it was a cheap shot, and either a lame excuse for or clueless obliviousness to his own limitations. I don't mind if characters are talking ponies or super-powered, but if a dark story isn't psychologically realistic, it loses its darkness for me.

Fair enough. Like I said before, I did expect this to be an interesting learning experience. The bar is high, it seems. I'll do my best not to disappoint.

1557976 If they're psychologically unrealistic enough, they can become a plot point or a force of nature, like the demon in The Exorcist, or The Terminator. It's when they're in that uncanny valley in-between, where I don't know what to think of them, that it causes me problems.

But isn't the whole idea of a madman that you're not supposed to know what to think of them? And by the statement you've just made, wouldn't a character like the Joker fall into that unrealistic enough category? I've never thought of the Joker as a man so much the physical embodiment of an idea: that idea being that the world is mad, disorderly, and random. Take Nolan's portrait of the Joker for example. In that film he's not interested in ruling the crime world, or even in killing Batman. He wants to prove to Batman that his worldview is the right one. That the "schemers" don't have as much control as they believe they do.

Maybe the Joker's relationship to the criminal underworld isn't perfectly thought out, but in my eyes its a minor gripe because his most important relationship is to the Bat. It's a very simple order vs chaos theme, but I think it's great because its more than just a class of opposing forces. It's a clash of opposing worldviews, of ideas. It would never be good enough for the Joker to just kill The Batman, that wouldn't prove anything. Alan Moore writes the Joker the exact same way in the Killing Joke. In that story he tries to break Jim Gordan to prove that even Gotham's greatest forces for good can fall prey to madness.

That's another thing that makes the character so cool, is that, when written correctly, he's above hate, or anger, or greed, or any of the negative things that are usually the driving forces behind bad guys. He's a villain of principle. He's out to prove a point.

Dude, you're gonna make me blush or something. :unsuresweetie: :heart:
On the real though, I'm glad to read everything you write. "Eyes" really screwed with my head, and I can't wait for the sequel. Really liking your Manehattan. I think we should all use this as a template for future stories. Like fanfics within fanfics. :rainbowhuh:

Please keep it up, you are great. :yay:


Working on one already--with Jub's input and advice, even! Expect to see it hit FIMfiction sometime in December. :twilightsmile:

Ashes, Baritone! When my enemies are... ashes... you have my permission to leave.


I was wondering why nopony commented on that. :derpyderp2: Poor thing can never catch a break. I wanna guess that the other mare, the Earth pony, is actually Carrot Top/Golden Harvest.

I'm actually kinda surprised Pinkie didn't start singing a song while they were playing tag.

Hmm. Very good. Pink Stripes don't play by rules. Puns and Needless... hehe, Pins and Needles actually... and they let Prankster out. Manehettan needs good old-fashioned party, little bit of chaos to that boring, boring order and a little shake to all power struggle and grimy outlaws. Luckily, problem has a very pink solution. :pinkiecrazy:

Hahaha i love this.
More please. :pinkiehappy:

Pinkie still remains the best psychopath. Oh, Party of One, how you've damned her so.

...Not complaining, when it's done this well.

1551191 You wanna a REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY GOOD Mare-Do-Well fic? I've got one.

It's called Mare-Do-Well: Regeneration, by Mark Garg von Herb. It's amazing.

To me, it's what would happen if Watchmen, Batman Begins, The Dark Knight, The Dark Knight Rises and The Dark Knight Returns had a kid. It's that good. To me at least.

Oh wow, this story got even less recognition than Eyes did. Looks badass, I'll give it a shot, even though it's really freaking long.

You have a way with dark humor that makes me smile with a tiny twinge of horror at the fact that i am laughing. The game of tag eximplifies how dark and twisted this story is, but also offers up a laugh or two. I look forward to the next chapter.:pinkiehappy:

I am hoping that this isn't "Brian Azzarello's Joker, re-enacted by ponies".

This, I like: Pinkie Pie is almost exactly the same as she is in canon and when it's in this context, with scenes showing exactly what she can do to living flesh, it gets very sinister. Poor old Stripe seems doomed to a Harley Quinn romance here...

Hey, this is a thing.
An awesome thing.

Hurray, update!

Gotta say I'm impressed. This story... it has charm. That feeling, that you're not alone in your house. Everything's peaceful, but any second door will open and with carefree smile and bloody knife in her mouth, Prankster will waltz into your room. Maybe to talk, maybe to kill. Or both. Watch your back and don't be afraid. Haha... haha....haHAHAHAHAaaa!

I like how Prankster wraps tough gang of meat-eaters over her cute little hooves. She doesn't make empty threats or act 'cool' and 'badass'. She's just Prankster... nothing more, nothing less. And little stripey Pin, he's starting to get it. Maybe Pink Stripes will workafter all... We'll see.

Write more. Because your story is fantastic.

Excellent. The bit in the beginning with Pinstripe's observations was like a wave of pleasure. Pinstripe and the audience can tell that what makes the Prankster so dangerous is that she's hands on. She's the type of leader who goes out and does their own dirty work. They're the most dangerous types of individuals beause they have no need to hide behind others.

I can see a group dynamic forming; it's familiar, but at the same time new, due to how the power has shifted in five years. I have a feeling that Stripes isn't going to like how the Prankster cleans house... Can't wait for the next installment.

“I hate to bring up work at the dinner table kiddies, but mommy didn’t come down here to murder your cooks and scare away your customers. Well I did—but while I was boiling that guy’s face off”—she gestured over her shoulder toward the cook lying on the floor—“I remembered that I needed your help.”

I don't know why, but that's the funniest thing I've read all day. I don't know what that says about me... :pinkiecrazy:

I love all the little hints that are dropped and make me wonder exactly how it came to this. I don't remember if you said if this was directly connected to Eyes, but in any case all I want is more.

Pinkie Pie is scariest pony.

Once more, we get more characters. The rogues gallery grows and grows... I'm realy wondering when other familiar faces are gonna start showing up. I know I'm not the only one waiting for Crest or Baritone.

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