agent7555
Joined 14th Dec, 2011 ·
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1543113 i stopped reading after 3rd sentence and skimmed it...no matter what i want one thing.......MOAR, MOAR I SAY
Not a bad beginning i must say. you are really descriptive so far. i think i will have to keep an eye on this
carry on.
good story doctor who is happy
first
lol
I like it so far
first, I do rather like the idea of this fic, but you really need to wait before posting a chapter then read through it and proofread it (wait a day or two, then proofread it)
Secondly, if you're not sure how something is spelled, go find a dictionary and look it up, it will help a lot.
Such as scio-path...could be psychopath, or sociopath. I'm not quite sure.
Third, when making a new paragraph, press enter two times instead of one, it is more pleasing to the eyes and helps a lot with breaking up the 'wall' of words, it makes it so that people don't want to read your story, then they start skimming.
Fourth, try to make descriptions in a new paragraph, every time you shift the reader's focus, make a new paragraph. AND ESPECIALLY when someone new speaks (or thinks for that matter) make a new paragraph.
Fifth, SHOW the story, don't TELL it. It makes it much more interesting to set up a scene where instead of saying ' I'm 5' 6'' ' you could have your character check their height.
Bad: I am blonde and swallow my toothpaste when I'm done with it.
Good: I combed my blonde hair back and slicked it with shelack, then I brushed my teeth, swallowing the toothpaste like I usually do.
And finally, to break up the monotony of 'he said, she said' try describing actions before, after, and in the middle of someone's speech.
Ex. "Ugh," Celestia groaned and she put a hoof to her splitting head, "what the heck happened last night?"
Also try using more expressive words, like 'exclaimed' or 'screamed'.
Overral I'd give this clopfic 2 spikes
This fic has plenty of glaring problems that prevent us from enjoying the story at hand, but if you fix these then your story can earn many more.
You did character voices rather well, but the characters themselves are A, too friendly (pheromones from no pants? Did you put your pants back on at all when nightmare tries to rape you? I wasn't sure until the point where molestia started a lusty contest of outlast the other) and B a bit over the top, maybe you could tone them down a little, maybe have some bucking happen in the few days that molestia is busy, maybe with fluttershy?
If you fix the problems with your writing then this fix could earn 4/5 'stached spikaroons
Finally, a fic set in Molestia / Gamer Luna universe.
I love it.
This is great, but you need an editor.
I stopped reading about halfway through cause I dun got a sledgehammer to get through that wall of text.dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Octavia_plot.png
more lulu and less tia
I shall be watching this story, it shows potential.....
2 best story ever my little dashie first
this story has potential to be pretty good and i quite frankly i thought it had a hilarious storyline and you should continue this story, but there were a few errors and as a friendly gesture im going to help you out by pointing some of them out and giving you some advice.
first and foremost hit enter a couple of times every time you start a new paragraph other wise it just looks like a wall of text and that my friend will get you some thumbs down right off the bat trust me i know this cause i did something similar when i first started out and that can hurt your story so try that out
second every time a new character comes in to speak you have to hit the enter button, it signifies that someone has entered the conversation and you should also do that when two characters are speaking to each other so people know who is who, for example:
should be this:
these are just a couple of things that will help you out greatly in your endeavor to create a story and now that that is done please continue i do so look forward to more.
ME: GAMER LUNA IS AMAZING!!
ALTERNATE ME: you just had to say it didn't ya?
ME yes i did so shut up
ALTERNATE ME: no you shut up
-argument continues for a while-
ME: oh yeah please make more chapters for us so we can argue more
ALTERNATE ME: yeah we love arguing with each other. cant ya tell?
-earlier argument resumes and continues on forever-
You must update!
NEW CHAPTER ALREADY
this story is good but I nearly forgot it. the wait has been a bit too long. did you get fired from a job or fail a class or something?
FINALLY THIS HAS BEEN UPDATED!
its been so long that I forgot this story's existance
Where have you been!
When someone else begins speaking, you need to start a new paragraph. Just a tip
3577749
I have to agree. it feels like I need a diamond pick axe to get through the text wall. still like the story though
Where is the update?
A bit to quick paced (at least it seems so to me.) But otherwise a good story so far.
This sounds awesome so far I can't wait to see where this will go.
This was a cute and funny chapter, I wonder what will happen to and with NM.
This was a cute and spicy chapter.
This was a cute and sweet chapter him and GL where adorable.
This was epic he is a beast.