Rarity wants to go to the galla but her sisters won't allow her to. after her fairy godmother came she made all her dreams come true. based off of Cinderella and preveusly was on Fanfiction.net
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- Member Since 29th Oct, 2012
- offline last seen Mar 26th, 2023
opuscon789
I like to write a lot supernatural and Rainbow Dash stories so expect me to do that
opuscon789
Joined 29th Oct, 2012 ·
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Wow, such an original work. It's almost as if someone copied the exact plot of Cinderalla and wrote it out in a pathetic lackluster prose :|
I call first dislike.
It's gala. Not galla or gallia.
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And second dislike for me.
I just don't see the point in even writing this. It doesn't challenge your skills or portray your imagination at all.
It's not based on Cinderella, it IS Cinderella (and even that's being generous) but with a very shoddy MLP skin, complete with awkward dialogue and numerous grammatical errors.
i2.kym-cdn.com/entries/icons/original/000/007/423/untitle.JPG
Y U NO OC TAG? These things aren't canon characters? Just OCs with canon names. You butchered their characters. But the worst sin of all is this gem right here.
The hard working, wouldn't stop til all the apples were picked Applejack telling someone else to pick apples? No!
Pinkie. Not Pinky.
(Princess Celesta's son).
Celestia's with an i after the t.
And then why is Blueblood so undouchebaggy? That's his personality. A huge douchebag.
magic to get.
Muffins? Who is this Muffins you speak of? No caps.
They,
Wears.
Married.
How hard is it to type out 'one'
Wow. Dat no pony name.
Ok. Your prose is absolutely horrifying over all.
WHOOSH!
Thorlol: TWE mod and scarf knitter.
fc03.deviantart.net/fs71/f/2012/267/e/e/twe_reviewer_by_thorlol-d5frzwm.png
This was not a good piece of work.
If you use a spellchecker, proofread, ensure that your grammar is okay and that you have properly used punctuation, your fic is vastly more readable and it won't get as much hate. It takes very little effort to use a spellchecker, and the difference it makes is vast. Gallia/galla should be spelt gala.
Your plot is a ripoff of Cinderella, and the characters are horribly out of character. Fluttershy isn't going to rip up anyone's tickets.
lunachan.net/chat/src/134617861931.jpg
TWE's Scribblestick here to figure out why you have so many downthumbs.
First off, your casting. It's off. Really, really off. I really can't see any of the mane six filling the antagonist's roles without breaking character. Pinkie Pie comes closest, and even then it would be her being shortsighted, not malicious. If you wanted evil stepsisters, why not DT an Silver Spoon? And I could see Trixie being a pretty good evil stepmother. But Twi, AJ, and especially Fluttershy don't work.
Also, how can you have a fairy godmother that doesn't use magic?
Wait, when did Spike get there?
Also, math:
>Traveling at 40 mph
>Distance: 58 miles
>Travel time: 1 hour 28 minutes
So, besides your casting, all you really did was take a bare-bones outline of the story and add some pony stuff. From a writing perspective, you need to work a lot harder at developing characters and including details. From an originality perspective... well, it takes a lot more than the bare-bones outline of someone else's story.
Cheers.
~Scribblestick, TWE's notoriously friendly reviewer
1534706
I'm a bad spellier
1534961
That part was supposed to be funny
1535307 mate...don't ever do comedy, please, I beg of you.
1535299
That's why spellcheckers exist. If the program you wrote this in doesn't have one, FimFiction does. Before you publish a chapter, look through it. If a word has a squiggly red line underneath it, check the spelling. Just Googling "marryed" for example, puts "Did you mean: married?" at the top of the page. And if you want to be extra careful, add definition to it, so you'd Google for "marryed definition".
Using "bard" when you meant "bared", okay, that can slip by you, as both are at least proper words. But things with a red line under them? Shouldn't be happening unless it is a name.
This is not going to end well.
And the award for most incoherent, nonsensical sentence goes to...you!
Oh, Spike's here too? I didn't notice considering you provided NO INTRODUCTION to him whatsoever. You just plopped his name into the story out of nowhere. Poor guy, getting dragged into this gibberish too...
I love the smell of horse leg sweat in the morning.
Whoa, not only did it implode, but it imploded fifteen times in one second! So apparently this is a world where logic and physics have no effect. I don't even know what imploding fifteen times in a second would even look like!
So what exactly made her think vomiting would help? If this is your sense of humor...I pity you.
First of all, totally out of character. She's fuckin' Fluttershy for crying out loud! She's got "shy" in her name! And second...where the hell did you come up with a pet shark? Did you pluck out of the air? Did you pull a piece of paper out of a hat? Were you watching a docu-drama about sharks and simply COULD NOT leave out sharks in your next fic? Who wrote this dialogue anyway? So many questions!
Well that escalated quickly.
Best line in the entire story. I totally wouldn't have even known it was done if you hadn't put this here. I'm so glad to see an author who cares so dearly for his readers. It gives me a warm fuzzy feeling inside. Congrats. Bravo. You win.
Final verdict: Kill it with fire
Now I'm gonna listen to Live While We're Young. A quick glance and I can already see spelling errors.
1537447
Hopefully before it lays eggs.
*Looks at recent stories list*
Oh dear god, no.
Then... it...
wouldn't be a slave...
markwatches.net/reviews/wp-content/uploads/2011/01/your-head-asplode-460x198.jpg
Wow. What a typo-ridden mess. Is that you, Windlife?
"Okay comrades I want all Su-27's loaded with the maximum amount of bombs to be specially target this original piece of work, trust me I'm doing the world a favour."
9622911
Hi Kevin!