• Member Since 4th Dec, 2011
  • offline last seen Sep 28th, 2016

Harry Leferts

Hey, Harry Leferts here from Nova Scotia, Canada. Hopefully you'll enjoy my stories.


When I was younger, Luna, and later Nightmare, told me that there were things that lurked in the darkness, within the spaces created by shadows that even they would be wary of facing at their full power. And that they would be terrified to fight then with so much of their magic locked away by the seal that the Elements of Harmony had placed upon them centuries ago. Old things... Powerful things... But we took comfort in that such things existed only in Equestria. But, as we learned on that night so close to Hallowe'en when I was ten, we were wrong...

So very, very wrong...

Chapters (5)
Comments ( 151 )

Very, very nice!!!! Interesting! This isn't a cthulhu mythos crossover, is it?

How the hell does this have 6 likes and no views?:rainbowhuh:

1534073 Cool! I've recently read the Dunwich Horror, so... Oh, wait, big fat invisible brother liked cows and people better. That's right.

Interesting, looking foward for the next chapter.

Argh! Cliffhangers!:raritydespair::fluttershbad:

Another masterpiece in the making, Harry! I noticed that you switched from using present tense to past tense, here. Not that I'm complaining, mind you.

Anyway, a nice addition to the continuity, and I hope desperately to see more, both of this and of your other works. Specifically, your Chryslight fic.

Interesting. And yet so enticing, I must have moar. But on another note, looking forward to seeing how this goes, also to seeing more of this series. :heart:

Ehm, description.

When I was younger, Luna, and later Nightmare, told me that there things that lurked in the darkness, within the spaces created by shadows that even they would be wary of facing at their full power.

Shouldn't there be 'are' or 'were' or something? Sorry my mind is on the 'off' switch right now. I only know there should be something. Also, I might be wrong but isn't there another comma needed after 'shadows'?

Old things... powerful things

Nothing at the end. Yet, the next word is capitalised. Explain! Explain!

Also, maybe switch the second but with however. Two buts one after another is a bit much if you ask me.

Ooh spooky. I'm thinking it some kind of mummy but who knows at this point. Very interesting;.

Whoo! Might be a slight stretch for the squib kids, but then again, Sirius was stricken from the family records, what's to say the "morons" who sully the family name by marrying mudbloods aren't either?

Also, I noticed several small grammatical errors, but the one that made me stop and reread it three or four times to figure out what you probably intended to say was:

And so it would do as it was summoned to so by it's word which bound it to.

And so it would do (what?/as) it was summoned to do by its word which bound it (to doesn't seem needed...).
If nothing else, it just sounds really weird and convoluted. :rainbowkiss:



That sounds like it would be as if it was from Half-Life: Full Life Consequences quote more than anything otherwise.

Coolio. But, please get a proofreader so you can keep cranking the chapters out at this rate, hopefully they can catch some of these small missteps.

The soul within her as black as the night around them.

It seems like the first as should be a "was".

As several of the men finger their own guns, John ran down the hall ... As the beam from his flashlight bounced ... He then grinned viciously as his chest burned from exertion ... He just entered the room when....

Finger should be fingered, to match the tense of the other sentences. Also, I think it should be "He had just entered".

These are pretty nitpicky/grammar nazi-y, so thank you for an extremely well put together story that's still canonical with your other stories.

More error spotting. Or not errors, I'm still in the 'off' mode...:twilightsheepish:

Harry grumbled as he kicked the ankle deep leaves with his feet as walked

missing 'he'?

several clients' of my company.

I don't think this apostrophe is necessary here. Unless something is missing after that.

The lunar princess just nodded before she looked around thoughtfully with a frown, her eyes easily seeing through the darkness around them as she keeps watch for threats.

Present tense or past tense?

And pretty weird for the Dursley's not to even bother checking first for all they dislike you.

Accidental apostrophe? Unless it should be Dursley's family. Ant shouldn't 'they' be 'that'? Besides, why should they look for people who dislike Harry? Unless I don't get something. Oh, well... onwards!

Luna continued look around as she hummed to herself.

missing 'to'?

Suddenly her ears swiveled towards the side soon followed by her head…

Is it only me, or does it sound like her side was followed by her head? Maybe a comma after 'side'? Like I said, I'm still in the 'off' zone...:twilightsheepish:

We already know that whatever protection the old coot placed on him prevents our families from coming close to where he lives which why they turned to us in the first place!

Missing 'is' here,

She then pulled out a handkerchief and wiped off her knife as if it was nothing more then a fact of life.

'than', not 'then'.

It would be a waste not to considering that he has so generously made things simpler for us?

Maybe add a comma after not to? The sentence sounds strange without a slight pause there... though maybe it's just me again... I dunno...

Nightmare grunted from where she's was hanging onto Harry's shoulder

She's? Shouldnt it be 'she'?

I am wondering much the same myself Little Princess. Where are we heading child?

Comma after 'myself' would make this sound more natural, I think. Not sure if same with 'heading'...

He followed soon after with some difficulty even for his smaller then normal size.

Again 'than' instead of 'then' We use than for comparisons and then for referring to time.

it stilled for a moment as it took in it's surroundings

Simply 'its'. It is/it's does not belong here.

And so it would do as it was summoned to so by it's word which bound it to.

Same here. And something seems off... though it might be me not understanding something. It would do as it was summoned to so? Meh, maybe I don't get something...:twilightsheepish:

As the ancient pact for so many thousands of years, and still did despite being so many thousands of miles from it's original home, had asked for it to do.

And again I can't seem to understand the message behinde this sentence... Dear Celestia, I'm too tired right now... not gonna point anything our here. Feel free to clarify this for me.

. A shuffling sound in the room, as of very old fabric being drawn across the floor

Okay, this time I'm quite sure: 'if'

The being slowly made it's way upstairs...

'its', again. You should watch this. It seems to be an issue for you.

"Something the matter you t wo?"

Out with the space.

the shadows seemingly to have become much more ominous with her realization.

Feels off... then again, I'm 'off', so...

I fully agree with her for once Harry.

A comma after once sounds more natural to me here.

it's presence nearly suffocating

its. Yeah, definitely look out for that.

Harry glanced at the door and nodded as he puts his jacket back on and zippers it back up, but not before he placed Nightmare inside it snugly.

What's with this tense switching? I don't think it's good...

She then gestured at the stairs leading to a second floor landing which she noted that along with the other doors around was also open.

I don't get this sentence... feels off, but... split it up a bit or something? I dunno... maybe I'm not in the right state of mind...

Shall we my kind gentlestallion?

A comma after 'we' sounds good.

Harry however doesn't know the true reason for her question.

I think you should change it to: "Harry, however, doesn't know[...]" As far as I looked up, this should be the correct version... or maybe reword it without using however? Maybe simply "Harry doesn't know the true reason[...]"? Sorry for babbling, but 'however' somehow doesn't fit here for me... Maybe it's just me...

Whatever you tell us would be more then sufficient child.

than. And put a comma after sufficient.

i don't really know

Fix that lowercase at the begining.

Now Luna is staring at him, fully aware that whatever is in the house is not close thankfully.

Suddenly present tense? And also add a comma after 'close'.

Besides. with you two here

Change that period to a comma.

Both Luna and Nightmare share a look, the same thought going through their heads.

Present tense?

It felt a small pang of sadistic joy knowing that without knowing where their prey was, the greedy and evil beings

Add a comma after 'that' and we're all set. Wait... actually... this double knowing is a bit strange but what can you do... hmm... hey, maybe change this to: "[...]knowing that, unaware of their prey's location, the greedy[...]"? At least we got rid of this doubling... ahh... I dunno. Oh, it looks like I wrote this almost like a stream of thoughts... okay, it's much too late...

Okay, hope this helps. That kind of crusade from me means that I really like a fic! If anything, be flattered! It shows how much I care for it. Even if I'm wrong...:twilightsheepish:
Keep up the good work!:twilightsmile:

Wait, what? Chapter 2?
Dang it, it's too late! Oh, well... will read tommorrow...

I can't read it right now, but I'm giving it a thumbs up anyways. I don't doubt that it is justified.

Thank you both!:twilightsmile: Fixed those errors so it should flow better.

I'm genuinely creeped out, now. This is nail-biting suspense, and I applaud your skill, Harry!


And pretty weird for the Dursley's not to even bother checking first for all they dislike you.

Was suppossed to be:
And pretty weird for the Dursleys not to even bother checking first, for all that they dislike you.

... some kind of spirit at least. Tell me are you going to use actual legends or will this thing just be a wraith?

... stopping only to crush the flashlight under it's heel...

Should be 'its'.

Just by the description mind you, but it seems kind of ironic that its about things in the shadows and yet has no dark tag. I can understand why it wouldn't, it's just a bit funny is all.

So Harry Potter with Luna ( princess of the night ), and Nightmare Moon ( we can call her queen of dreams and nightmares ), entered hunted mansion in hallowin.

Nice combo.

The Ghost and the Pursuers are totaly going to have run for they money, I m sure Nightmare Moon and Luna will make sure of that.

dementor,:pinkiegasp: bet it's a damn dementor.

Harry Potter who was Gordon Potter's brother was one night in an mansion, hiding on a dumbwaiter.

1536012 Dementor's don't mummify. This be the work of a different eldrich horror.
Now however I am confused... there are the Death Eater squibs, Harry and his party, the horror... but Cygnia was hunting on the other side of the house and found a light before it when out and the horror got her...
What was that light she saw? Dumbwaiters go up and down, not side to side so it wasn't Harry's Lumos.

Plasmavore... am I right? Dr who. Harry potter and my little pony... but more Harry verse with a little doctor. The ponies are inconsequential. Kinda eh I'm there

From the description, I was really thinking this would be some lovecraftian horror type of thing, what with the 'old powers from the space inside shadows'.... Unfortunately it's looking like this is something more along the lines of a mummy or something. Too bad.

I hate you, Harry. I got too much to read already. :raritywink:

*Faves foir later*

1534070 I think some ppl liked it and put it on read later list before reading it. That's why there were no views and 6 likes.

Love the new story! But when are we getting update for the main fic? :D

Spooky. I have theory on what It is but I want to be sure first.

this is tasty :D
Glad to see that you are still alive! :pinkiehappy:

-_- nightmare night.... HAPPY NIGHTMARE NIGHT!!!!

happy Halloween guys. i know it's suppose to be nightmare night but i just want to tell someone that.

as for the mystrey monster i'll have to go with siren. because they lure their prey.

1535327 Actually, that's proper English, as in English English. I have no problems with it, and I suspect many of the "errors" you've all found are for that reason. The Brits tend to leave out superfluous words.:eeyup:

Adventurous, greedy, looting explorer, eh? Perchance he went to Egypt and brought back something he shouldn't? dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/Luna_lolface.png

1536192 Gordon Freeman's brother John Freeman was an office. :rainbowlaugh::rainbowlaugh::rainbowlaugh:

1536934 "Imhotep ... Imhotep ... Imhotep..." :pinkiegasp:

They make up for it with superfluous letters! :trollestia:

All the clues point to either a mummy - and a damned powerful, sorcerous one at that - or a personification of the Egyptian Devourer.
You don't want to meet either.:raritycry:
Nice stuff, Harry. So, when do we see an update of the main fic? :pinkiesmile:

its gonna be slender man.....

Too busy to read this right now... BUT
I must say thank you... for putting "Hallowe'en" and not just "Halloween". I salute you, sir/madam... :moustache:

1540723 I suppose it is a classical option...
Me I be holding out for something a bit more Lovecraftian...
Like Slenderman.

1540651 Actually I was just telling the guy I replied to what the meaning behind that sentence was since he said he didn't get it. I watch a lot of BBC, I am familiar with British speech patterns. Speaking of BBC... someone needs to write a Red Dwarf crossover.:duck:

Huh, i'm not usually one for a good old fashioned scary/horror story, but i'll give this one a shot. Consider this one faved and thumbed.

Quite nice, quite nice indeed.

Okay, now this is scary and good. :pinkiehappy:

FIRST! Also, yay an update.

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