- Member Since 23rd Feb, 2012
- offline last seen April 11th
hunterz263
Registered on: February 23, 2012
hunterz263
Joined 23rd Feb, 2012 ·
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Isnt there already a story named this...?
Yeah, not exactly, but im pretty sure there is Halo: The Interlopers... Feel kinda bad, you might get some hate on that
1527124 Actually no there isn't. I pulled up the name in Google before I made the logo.
Hey there. Welcome to the Fo:E heard, where the hates are many, and most of the readers quiet. So don´t mind the down votes and the few commenters, it is a Fo:E thing that happens to all stories out there.
If no one else have shoved you it, does Foe have a (not so) secret G-doc where there are always someone to talk to and boince ideas against and what not.
Doomande away.
1527318 I'm already sharing a few ideas with a few people but I will definitively check it out. And I have heard of this, secret G-doc
I read it the moment I saw it,
I am however going to be completely honest (I would never lie to you)
First off, a few grammar mistakes. Hey a few is okay, mine has some too. I saw two sentences that started with "And." No no.
Second. The prologue was too long, I really like the Idea you have but, you could have started the prologue about his schooling etc, a very brief overview of his weapon skills etc. However I would have cut it before the part of being a Dashite, I would have made that part chapter two and for you to actually take us through his banishment rather than placing it in the prologue.
By doing the above I think it could have shaved off a good 700-800 words from the prologue (Even though it adds several thousand to the start of the story.)
Oh and 200 = two hundred (Write words not numbers). I did this too and somepony help me out with it also.
Apart from that, you have an interesting story and I look forward to more, I'll fav it and like, Honestly it didn't deserve those Dislikes. The story and formatting is really good too.
1527384
Oh dear... here we go.
I knew grammar mistakes were going to slip into there, I did edit the whole thing at one in the morning. I'll fix those right away if I can spot them.
Prologue too long. To be honest... I was going in inspiration describing his banishment and wasn't really thinking clearly about where to put it. It was late, I was scared, and running on inspiration. Next time I reveal something about it (if there is any) I'll be sure to think it through about where to place it.
I could have done that.... I'm not a smart pony.
Dah, I was told you were suppose to write the actual number after it reaches ten in elementary school.
You... You didn't hate my story...
...
*Explodes into joy* Oh yes, one of my inspirations didn't hate my story! Good start to a Monday!
I love you Chiami!
Since I have never read FOE but have a basic idea about what it's about, I figured that I would make this the first side-story I would read. All in all, it was pretty good, but I would have liked to see a more in depth analysis on his schooling and training. I could see those as potential chapters, but they were all just briefly summarized in a somewhat lengthy prologue.
Again, that's just me. I know that my opinion is 99.9% important to you (give or take a few), but it was okay.
You shall receive a muffin bomber gif for your efforts.
iambrony.steeph.tp-radio.de/mlp/gif/tumblr_ma4ag7Idxa1r8uiq6o1_1280.gif?1350704159
so he was branded before getting his cutiemark?
As someone who has read dozens of Fallout: Equestria fics, I gotta be brutally honest and tell you this wasn't overly impressive. I'm no virtuoso myself, I can write a half-decent story and then make it more interesting and believable with the help of an editor, but I feel this story falls flat due to a number of reasons. I'm going to list these reasons and tell you how you can improve on them.
1. The Enclave do not treat their children horribly. They have a very controlled and regulated society, good ponies governed by not so nice ponies who aim to maintain their military strength and importance as well as their isolationism from the surface. What you seemed to describe as an orphanage sounds like a goddamn sweatshop. The Enclave wants loyal and obedient citizens who look to their government for protection and stability.
2. The mother died giving birth to me is kinda cliché and unlikely in a technologically advanced society like the enclave. They have the best medicine, weapons and technology in the wasteland. They have means of growing fresh food and synthesising medicine, it just seems extremely unlikely that a enclave pony is going to die giving childbirth.
3. Given that his parents were both seemingly patriotic members of the enclave who were killed due to unfortunate circumstances, I hardly see why he would be a Pariah. If his mother and father were Dashite's who seemingly abandoned him at birth, then you've got reason for rough treatment and an initial hatred of his mother and father which slowly develops into an understanding of why they left to help the ground dwelling ponies.
4. This brutal training regime you described is bloody ridiculous. Yeah they want to push their soldiers to be the best, not so they snap and go rogue, quit, kill their commanders etc. It sounds more like a parody of brutal training and a technologically advanced society like the Enclave would know after 200 years how best to train their troops without, y'know, killing them.
5. I see no reason why the council would delay scouting missions to the surface, other FOE stories following Dashite protagonists have shown them venturing to the surface on Enclave orders. Two stories with excellent examples of this are Fallout: Equestria - Memories by Bobulator and Fallout: Equestria - Outlaw by Tofu.
6. Your description of weapons training felt all over the place. Wouldn't they have trained him with a set of weapons, see what he was best with and have him focus on that, after passing basic energy weapons training since the Enclave primarily use Magical energy weapons.
7. He just let himself be branded? First off a pony's Cutie mark is extremely important to any pony. It's a symbol of their purpose or talents, a defining feature of their identity and a reminder of one of the most monumental occasions for them, when they finally earn their Cutie marks. Nopony willingly allows the enclave to brand them, not even Calamity who had to be held down by his brothers or Morning Glory who was deceived and then forcibly branded. Even if he was a blank flank which is hard to swallow given his age, I still think he would've preferred to run, rather than have a hot brand pressed against his flank.
8. Scion's motivations are really, really poor and cliché. The Enclave sucks and I've never seen the ground. There's nothing stopping him from tunnelling through the clouds and taking a peak, if he so desperately wanted to see the land below, he could've done that so easily. What he would've been scared of, is environmental hazards which are played up as being worse than they are by the Enclave.
How to improve the story
So first off, give Scion a better backstory, his upbringing is pretty hard to believe and would be credible in an original story but not in a pre-established world like Fallout: Equestria. The orphan background, whilst not unworkable could be used to great advantage in establishing Scion's personality. Have him feel resentful of his parents, maybe growing up as a problem child, going from foster home to foster home. This would make his application to join the Enclave military come into question, since he's a known troublemaker which is why the enclave drill sergeants might come down tougher on him.
The entire Enclave sound like a group of jackasses, this makes the story feel very two-dimensional. Give him some friends from his troubled past, maybe he discusses leaving the Enclave and is ratted out by one of his friends, hence he becomes a Dashite and is captured and branded before he can leave. Finding his parents, if you make them Dashite's could become a major factor in his decision to secede from the Enclave and act as part of a motivator and even a goal for the wayward dashite who would otherwise have no real goal in mind upon touching the ground. Also having him have friends in the Enclave also adds more weight to his decision to leave as it means he is giving up all those people he knows and cares about in order to help strangers he has never met.
Scion doesn't seem to be particularly bright or resourceful despite apparently doing so well in school and training. Perhaps you could have included him planning ahead for his departure from the Enclave. Otherwise you pretty much better just make him an average Joe who decides to go and help the wasteland. Also you mentioned unicorns earlier and describe mouth-held weaponry, why bother bringing up unicorns at all. Unless you're maybe going to mention they were only located at Thunderhead and train as mechanics, engineers etc.
I hope this helps you improve your story and consider rewriting the first chapter. One thing I do insist on, is getting an editor, they can be a great help when writing, bouncing ideas off them before you write them down. I suggest writing with your editor on Google Docs which you can both write and edit at the same time, then you can just copy paste it here.
1527708 If you're looking for an introduction to the Fallout: Equestria universe, then I can recommend plenty of wonderful stories. First are the Major stories. Fallout: Equestria itself, Project Horizons, Pink Eyes and Heroes. After them I recommend the stories that are truly amazing in there quality and have a good chance of being Major stories themselves, these stories include: The Last Sentinel, Murky Number Seven, Guise of Chaos & New Pegas.
Other stories I can also happily recommend are, Morality of property, Rangers of Wintertrot (Shameless self promotion
) , Tales of a Courier Reloaded, Anywhere but Here, Misfits, New Beginnings, Outlaw, Memories, Dark Shores, SAT, Underdogs, Ouroboros, Best Laid Plans, Polymorph, Broken Dreams, Broken Steel & The Sporting Scavenger.
1527982
You use the powers of shameless self promotion? You have forced my hand to counteract you with the same. Though I don't plan on writing anything FOE related, I still think it's an interesting world to write for.
Here's the deal, self-promoter. I'll check out your stuff if you check out mine. Savvy?
I'm afraid i have to agree with Tonto to some degree.. cdn.broni.es/images/emotes/mlp-dfacehoof.png
I feel this was in-fact, to short cdn.broni.es/images/emotes/mlp-djawdrop.png
The very groundwork for your story is made on this page..
And by the looks of things, your 'building' will collapse due to bad architecture, cdn.broni.es/images/emotes/mlp-dreassure.png
But..
I will follow this story, as I myself am writing a F.O.E Fic, and my characters situation is kind of like your characters.. cdn.broni.es/images/emotes/mlp-dblush.png
just more 'troubled'
here's a piece from my prologue, its currently at 7990+ words, and i'm not finished... cdn.broni.es/images/emotes/mlp-dq.png
"Gears.. Take a look at this.." Starfire moaned
"Okay.. one second.." Gears replied
Starfire continued to poke at her wreck of equipment while
she waited for her brother.
Well, not really..
They'd both been apart of Project: Rebirth,it had been an undertaken by the M.O.A, it had been an attempt
to clone ponies, breed them for war, let them go out and die, the perfect war stopper, Delta batch
had been the first successful group of clones, the M.O.A had used the genetic structure of Rainbow Dash
as a template, then added Flux, the results were numerous disabled and deformed ponies, Rainbow Dash
herself had requested the project ended, but then batch Delta succeeded, the right amount of Flux had
lead to a breakthrough, seventy eight ponies, twenty six of each race of pony, thirteen filly's, thirteen
colt's. all had obtained one or more of Rainbow Dash's traits, Agility, strength, speed, coolness, these were but
a few, but their had been an outstanding pair, who had a 89.94738% D.N.A match to Rainbow Dash, Delta-Romero
and her Genetic Partner, Delta-Fable, They had obtained all her traits, and showed beautiful mastery of them.
Other subjects, like Delta-Shift, (now know as Gears) had under 50% percent relation, and were considered lesser
breakthroughs, the project was given a green light, and work would have continued, but the bombs fell, and
the little Genetic Soldiers stayed asleep, forever unaware of the chaos erupting around them, until Joke Blue found
them.....
But that was the past..
I added the bold text..
My actual chapters will be First Person from Starfires P.O.V
I would find great joy if you would follow my story cdn.broni.es/images/emotes/mlp-dsalute.png
And maybe we could be friends? cdn.broni.es/images/emotes/mlp-dcute.png
Any way, Good luck out there!
Ed cdn.broni.es/images/emotes/mlp-dawhyeah.png
1528057 Well I do find these terms agreeable. Plus you seem like a decent writer or at least a writer with experience as you have written 4 previous stories, so I will watch you and see what you come up with.
1528214
Indeed. A watch from me to you also seems in order.
I'm going to read this as soon as my brother gets away from the computer. I can't wait to see what you do with this Zach. Either way, I know that if it's by you, I'll enjoy reading it.
1527708 awwwww thats sooo adorable
1527293
Might wanna check again...
1529082 I did not get my name inspiration from that story. I never even new that story existed. Plus I was referring to the full title of "Fallout Equestria: Interloper" not just interloper in general. There's already a published book named Interlopers.
1527768 1527940 1527708>>1528098>>1528363>>1529145>>1528770
Thank you everyone for the somewhat warm reception. I know I've made quite a few mistakes by making the prologue a little too long by adding in details but I hope all of you enjoyed it regardless. Let it be known that chapter one will (hopefully) be a lot more structured then the prologue. I've had numerous people review the thing and they have said it was good to do. Hopefully I won't get struck with inspiration that completely adds something that was unintended. I hope everyone enjoys this story.
Love.
-hunterz263
1527810 Yeah.... I really wasn't thinking clearly when I wrote that part. What can I do about it? I guess I'll have to think of something to signify why he didn't or have him earn it (somewhat) in the wasteland.
Actually, just I got a few ideas already.
1529651 it brings to mind the fact that a pony cant be given a cutie mark and being branded before in my mind i see that he may yet still get his
1529766 Sometimes mistakes and can lead to greater opportunity... I think I just made one of those.
1529596 I think you missed the point of my comment which was to point out that before you continue to write, you should go back and rewrite this prologue. As for a long prologue, the length of a prologue doesn't matter, forget the prologue even, just make chapter 1 and have it establish who Scion is and why he's dissatisfied with Enclave life. Cue his epic escape.
1530486
I agree that the Prologue needs a lot of work and maybe rewritten, I agree with all your points. I however disagree that the prologue should be skipped entirely. I think it's important to introduce an unknown OC via a Prologue rather than launching straight into the story (Which I believe would take great talent.) Even if the prologue was 300 words with just a basic overview is enough to introduce the character.
1529777
Tonto made a great review, it was harsh yes but I agree with what he said. I suck at reviewing.
My review was garbage (Written late at night). I'm sorry. 
The idea is great but needs better execution, that's pretty much it.
1528098
I'm personally a fan of short prologue's and I thought this was too long. I'm a fan of <1200 word prologues, the prologue is just introducing the character. If applicable an Introduction can be used to introduce the world/universe etc that you created (Hence why KKat has an intro and Prologue). This is of course just my opinion.
1527768
OMG Haii.
Long time no see. O yes you want some M/F. I want to give you some but it's uhh. I don't know how.
1527810
I agree, what was his cutie mark I wonder? Slight slip up, can be fixed easily.
1529479
That Halo story doesn't even have many views. Just ignore it, It's not like you took it, or read it or tried to capilatise off a "Popular" (If it can be called that. I didn't know it existed either and I'm on here like a nolife.)
It's like someone accusing FOE: Memories of stealing from another story with "Memories" in the title. I'm sure there is LOTS. That doesn't mean it was stolen!
1532305 What I meant by skipping the prologue was something like Outlaw's first chapter. Of course I agree that somewhere between 1000-2000 is usually ideal for a prologue. Like for example, in The Last Sentinel
1532334 1532482
I must say that i fell this Prologue will get better..
After a late-night planning session, myself and Hunterz both agreed
that he should go through, and add to his prologue, I offered
myself as an editor/co writer, but he respectfully turned me down,
and said he wished to learn how to write like me.
(I found this very touching and still don't think i'm anywhere near as
good as he thinks i am)
Also, more good news! Me and Hunterz have an epic crossover
planned, and with both our minds, and my vodka,
i'm sure we'll put our OC's in a good light!
Ed iambrony.jsmart.web.id/mlp/gif/applebloom_gangnam_style_by_chocomilkterrorist-d5fo01l.gif?1350704074
1532482
Oh right, no problem. Sorry for the confusion.
1532599
He turned you down?
A proof reader/ pre reader is the most valuable tool of any author.
Hunterz... Why u turn him down?
Oh and I'll have to keep an eye out for it. I'm sure he'll let me know when the new cross over is released.
1532599
Me a better writer then you? Impossible!
1532305
Now that a take an in-depth look at my work, I do feel it can be improved. How I do that though is still a mystery. 1532599 said I should be more in-depth with it, add a lot of detail. Chiami you say I should shorten it down and 1530486 is saying I should cut it out entirely for something like Project Horizons. I'm going to examine all three and see which one would work best.
1532773
Hehe... Um... I like learning and discovering my own mistakes
1532852
Do what you think is best is what I think is the best.
However with Proof Readers, I think they are great to have. My proof reader is so awesome.
1533002 I might get one of those though. It would really help me
1527940
okay, after going through and devouring Fo:E in two days, I have to agree here. I like the general premise, but the details kinda ruin it.
If you'd like any help with it, I can chunk in detail-checks like mad, it's something of a talent of mine.
Anyways, seems like a great idea, and the connection seems firm, just not the details of his upbringing and early childhood. I could see Scion making himself less liked by whining about how his mother died, and his father dying by mother doesn't fit, but "dying on a scouting mission" would. If he ran away to escape the memories of his parent's deaths, and thus made himself a 'Dashite by Default' simply because he couldn't bear to live above the clouds anymore, that would work better.
Also, no real orphanage would force children into labor, every single government short of Nazis trying to kill Jewish kids would more or less firebomb the place, then spit on it, declare it unholy, and burn it again. If only to keep from being associated with it.
This seems rather short, so let the REVIEW TIME commence!
... okay already 4 paragraphs in and already seeing a lot of points I want to talk about. First of all, the Enclave is all that is over the cloudcover. That means that Scion can't join it, sure he could join the Enclave army, but not the Enclave itself. That is something that you are born into. Beside that are the Enclave more or less a democratic dictatorship, where the army holds the world in a iron grip, so I have a hard time buying that there should be a mugger in the sky, and if Scions father was so unfortunate to meet on of the few there could be up there, do I not think that the mugger would kill him. It are a world with so much control from the higher ops that they can stop the pegasi from selling berries, so random killing are not a thing I can see up there.
Some way do I like the idea of the orphanage, but you are maybe overdoing it a little bit. As a nation that want all they can get out of their ponies, would there not be a place that "worked them to the bones". Sure worked a lot and filled them to the brim, and over it, with propaganda about how happy they should be over that someone wanted them at all, that they where worthless, that they needed to do their duty over all else. But no work camps. And that aside, if they where in workcamps, why use resources on putting them in school? What would the Enclave gain for that? A mindless worker/soldier does not need to be able to read or doing math. All it need to know is how glorious the work are that they are doing, that they are doing it for the greater good yadda yadda and so on. To give workers like that knowledge would be like giving your slaves a weapon that it can use against you.
There is also something totally of with the training. We are not talking about navy seals here. We are talking about "foot soldiers" the ordinary pegasi that just want to do his/hers duty to the Enclave. They would not gain anything at all by being so brutal. It would frighten the normal pegasi from stepping up, not encourage as they should. Sure there would be a lot of hard work. Sure there would be no spare time, or other dilly dally like that. But they would not take the sleep from their soldiers, or force them to fly until they break in body and spirit. You want a soldier that are burning inside, not a broken husk with a gun... and when we talk about the sun. Why would the mouthgrips be so bad that the soldiers gag most times when they want to fire their sidearm? It would be like giving a person a gun that shocks you each time you shot with it! And you even state that they got sick by using them at some point, or a lot of the trainees got it. Why have the trainers not done anything about it? Who would want to make a gun that made your soldiers sick so you had to feed pegasi that can´t work? We are in a world where they need permission to get 2 children because there is already almost to little food for those that are up in the sky, if you can avoid idleness are you doing that.
Another thing I can´t understand is how he can be to weak to fight. We hear that he is amazing with a sniper rifle, even surprising the trainers time and time again. Why not give him one of those then? There is no reason to give him a minigun or other things like that when he already have flair for the sniping. As I have said before, they want them out as fast as they can, so why learn them something when the Enclave can see that they already are ready to fight? And beside that would he have gotten a power armor, something that is able to lift the weapons for him if he was to weak to lift what they gave him.
But what killed the story for me was how you wrote the council. We are not talking about some few pegasi sitting in a circle and ruling a few hundred ponies. We are talking about a government holding a iron grip around a giant country, both keeping their own in, and others out. They do not say who there should go on scouting missions, or look at individual cases and say yay or nay. They have a lot of others under them doing that. When was the last time you heard about a king or president that went into a specific, solitary case in the military? Scions future are not chosen by the council, it are chosen by his superiors, and them just over him, or maybe a rank over them. Not the rulers of the country. That aside, do I find it rather weird that he could get into the council when they was gathered unannounced. It would be like I tried to go into the white house without a appointment, I would properly been stopped, and shot after that. And if he went all the way into them, why would they listen to him at all? He is just a Private. Hell when we learned all about Calamaty did we hear his high rank, and he couldn't even go against the will of the council, so why would Scion get a choice at all before he got branded? And about the branding, I would say that it was rather underplayed. We are talking about how a pony looses the most important thing to him, his cutie mark. What we talks about here are worse than rape (or are so in my eyes), it is some of the worst torture you can do. And are something that are going to follow him for the rest of his life, and he is just a foal (or a rather late bloomer (I would actually rather much like to know how old he are at the points in the story, because there is no indication to that right now)). And is not something that you just writes about with 51 words. Look I did use more words there to describe what went wrong with the scene than you did describing it.
But when all that are said and done, do I not mean that you are a bad writer (as such), you do just need to get back into the game and read your material one more time, think the whole story over and re-work this so there is some meat to the story. One advise I would give is to get a professional pre-reader/writer to look it over with you. Just as a start. Because I think that you could have something here. You do just need some help to get to it right now.
Nitpicks:
"She was very timid and scared…." In literature do you either use a single or triple comma, not a quadruple
"most of out pride was still there" Should it not have been a our instead of out?
1764555
Well whenever I said he was to join the mighty Enclave I was under the direct assumption that people would think Enclave as in the military branch. I am having a revision going under way right now, so don't worry. I am changing the prologue to where it fits within the universe. Thank you for the specific by the way.
This orphanage idea has been mixed with other people's opinions. They way I saw it was that.... The Pegasi are a high and mighty race, we all have seen that within the show's context thanks to Hearth's Warming Eve. They showed the Pegasi as naturally militaristic and always wanting the best of the best (at least to me). When it came to Fallout Equestria, I had this idea that... well I can't remember it but I had my reasons.
...This is actually a really good point. I guess I had too many "real-world" drills stuck in my head whenever I was thinking this scene through. Also the fact that you are in marching band and that is all you know doesn't help in the slightest. My mind has come back to reality now since I am out of that constant drill now. Will be reworked. "a couple of the recruits got sick the first time they put the accursed thing into their mouth (including me). The first time I did it, I vomited all over my training pistol". Note I have the words first time in bold. To me, mouth grips would not be normal for ponies to taste since it like putting a sheet of metal into your teeth. Wouldn't that taste vile?
Another fair point that has been revised I believe. I had this belief that the Enclave would test and see how far their recruits could go when it came to weaponry. It ties in directly to my point that I am in band. I guess I crossed the two over. In band we have playing test to see where we are placed, so naturally I put the Enclave in the similar system where they would test their recruits and see how far they went.
Uh... yeah, I should have really thought that through. See this is a problem though. You brought up that I should view the source material when I write this. Well... there is a problem there. You see I would do that again and get a fresh taste for the "real" Enclave. But the problem here is that I am an incredibly slow reader. Pile on high school, marching band, and homework along with counselling and you see I don't have a lot of time on my hands to read something like Fallout: Equestria again. I really do wish I could read it again.
Nitpicks:
I'm getting better!
Anyway, I really do thank you for such a critical analyse. Just to let you know, Interloper is going through a revision. I have a villain planned out that fills in a hole that I think has never been covered before. I have a world builder on my side helping me through it. It is improving in quality plot wise. Writing wise, we'll just have to see what happens.
-hunterz263